Alonement

This week I’m chatting to journalist & bestselling author, Marianne Power. Marianne’s first book, Help Me, where she takes a deep dive into the world of self-help, was published in 25 languages and became a global bestseller. Now, she’s back with her long-awaited follow-up, Love Me: One Woman’s Search for A Different Happy Ever After. In this book, Marianne explores the potential for a life less ordinary. Living alone in east London, and single in her mid-forties, Marianne asks the question of what makes a happy life – and crucially, is it possible without a traditional romantic partner? After listening to this episode, I’ll leave you to answer that question for yourself. Marianne shares so much wisdom with me about how to build a chosen family through local community, leaning in to introversion, and what it means to be single at heart. If you’d like to hear more from Marianne Power, you can follow her on Substack at helpmenewsletter.substack.com, and of course her books, Help Me! and Love Me! are available to buy at all good book stores. Follow me on Instagram, @chezspecter and subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com Referenced in this episode:Motherhood by Sheila Heiti'What Do We Do Now We're Here' - A Substack by Rosie SpinksBella DePaulo's Single at Heart Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My guest this week Lizzie Frainier, author of Main Character: Lessons from a Real Life Rom-Com and associate travel editor at The Times. In this episode, she shares what she’s learnt from over a decade of solo travel, which began with a transatlantic home swap inspired by the film The Holiday and continued with a romantic trip for one in Venice, an ill-fated motorcycling trip in Vietnam and an Eat Pray Love style pilgrimage to Bali. We also talk about Lizzie’s infatuation with rom-coms, and how the lessons she learnt from the likes of Notting Hill and Bridget Jones inspired her to write her memoir.I’d love to hear your thoughts on the episode – do leave a review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, if you haven’t already. You can finding Lizzie on Instagram – her handle is just her full name, Lizzie Frainier, which is very chic. I’m on Instagram too @ChezSpecter, and you can follow my writing on Substack at francescaspecter.substack.com. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Penny Wincer is the author of Home Matters: How Our Homes Shape Us and We Shape Them, her second non-fiction book, and host of the podcast, Not Too Busy to Write, where she interviews writers on their relationship with their craft and how they make time for it. In the years I’ve been writing this podcast, I’ve learnt alonement is just about practical considerations as it is about the emotional ones. Penny’s work is a testament to that philosophy. Her work is centred around creating the time and space for alone time, even in the most challenging of circumstances - a challenge she herself navigates every day as the mother of a disabled child.Penny is a one-of-a-kind thinker and a brilliant interviewee, and I hope you enjoy listening as much as I enjoyed recording. You can follow Penny on Instagram at @pennywincer and on Substack. Her latest book, Home Matters, is available to buy now. Meanwhile, I’m on Substack at francescaspecter.substack.com and Instagram @ChezSpecter. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This week's guest, Thuy-vy Nguyen, PhD, is one of the world’s leading researchers on solitude, and an associate professor at Durham University’s dedicated research lab, Solitude Lab. Her interest is in ‘ordinary, everyday life solitude’, the kind you’re more likely to find in the corner of a cafe than on a 10-day silent meditation retreat. It’s solitude in moderation – or what we on this podcast like to call alonement.This episode is an edifying exploration of the latest in solitude research, from how the experience of being alone affects our mental state to the pros and cons of labelling yourself an introvert/extrovert. We also talk about solitude skills, and how almost anyone can get better at it – no matter how much they hate it to begin with.You can find out more about Thuy-vy’s brilliant work on the Solitude Lab website. Meanwhile, stay in touch with me on Instagram @chezspecter and on Substack – francescaspecter.substack.com Referenced in the show:Solitude: Seeking Wisdom in Extremes - A Year Alone in the Patagonia Wilderness by Robert KullSolitude: In Pursuit of a Singular Life in a Crowded World by Michael HarrisSolitude Skills and the Private Self – Research paper authored by Virginia ThomasA Room of One’s Own by Virginia Woolf Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Struggle to cook for one? We've got you - our guest Eleanor Wilkinson, recipe developer and author of One Pot, One Portion, has dedicated her career to overcoming some of the most common hurdles people face when cooking solo. Inspired by losing her father at a young age, Eleanor resolved to seize life's simple pleasures and make every moment count, including the meals she ate alone. Trained at Ballymaloe cookery school, she turned her skillset towards the oft-neglected territory of single portion meals. From her special take on lasagne for one to her innovative ways to use up a pack of tortillas when it's 'just you', this episode combines practical advice with a continuous love letter to the joy that is nurturing yourself, stomach and soul, in your alonement. Nigella Lawson's a fan, and you will be too after tuning into this episode. Why not leave a review to let us know what you thought?If you'd like to follow Eleanor's solo cooking adventures, her book One Pot, One Portion is out now, while she's on Instagram at @eleanorgwilkinson. She also regularly updates her website, eleanorgwilkinson.com, with new recipes. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to season 10 of Alonement! Katie Norris, an award-winning comedian and confirmed cat-cherlorette (OK, I came up with that) is my guest on the first episode of this season. Katie adopted her 'lockdown baby', Atticus, at the start of the pandemic. He's been her companion as she's established herself as a stand-up comedian, and taken a prolonged dating hiatus. She shares how she's claiming the much-maligned 'childless cat lady' stereotype (with a middle finger up to JD Vance). Plus, the highs and lows of solo comedy (after years of being a double act) and maintaining self-esteem in the face of criticism. This is a conversation about following your heart, as Katie has done, towards a life that feels right for you – romantically, and creatively. Whether you’re a fellow pet owner, a single person, a comedy fan or simply someone curious about all of the above, there will be something here for you. Happy listening – and if you love this episode, do leave a glowing review! Now for some handles! You can find Katie on Instagram at @katienorris26 – while Francesca is on Instagram @chezspecter and writes a Substack newsletter, francescaspecter.substack.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Maggie Smith is a poet & writer who found overnight fame when her poem, ‘Good Bones’, went viral on social media in 2016. Later on, her life was to take a further change when her husband of 19 years, and the father of her children, announced he wanted a divorce two years later. Her memoir, You Could Make This Place Beautiful, published in April 2023 – explores the connection between these two events, how become a hit writer led to the breakdown of her marriage – and what could be found in the disruption that followed it all. Throughout it all, Maggie’s love of creativity and solitude has been a constant – something she speaks to me about in this episode. We also talk about finding love in middle age, and the joy of a relationship that’s free from the pressure of milestones.Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.TakeawaysAlone time can be a positive and restorative experience, especially for creative individuals.Being in a relationship that is not working can be lonelier than being alone.Financial independence and self-sufficiency are important for personal empowerment.There is freedom in choosing a relationship without merging lives and milestones.Alone time is essential for creativity and self-reflection.Chapters00:00Introduction and Small Talk03:33Exploring the Meaning of Alone04:27Aloneness as a Positive and Restorative Experience05:24The Irony of Being an Introverted Writer06:24The Challenges of Being an Introverted Writer in the Public Eye08:15Navigating Life After Divorce09:43The Loneliness of Incompatible Partnership10:41Living Alone vs. Living Without a Partner11:36The Myth of Partnership Solving Loneliness13:29The Shift in Attitudes Towards Being Alone14:52The Impact of Age on Relationship Choices16:13The Pressure to Settle Down and Have Children17:32Financial Independence and Self-Sufficiency18:45The Liberation of Not Racing Through Relationship Milestones19:58The Freedom of Choosing a Relationship Without Merging Lives21:20Balancing Independence and Vulnerability22:48The Lack of Cultural Models for Non-Traditional Relationships23:44The Beauty of Constant Companionship24:43The Negative Side of Hyper-Independence25:39The Importance of Alone Time for Creativity27:29Learning to Accept Help and Support28:54Returning to a Special Place for Solitude31:43The Restorative Power of Writing Alone33:09The Impact of Professional Success on Relationships35:31The Evolution of Creativity After Having Children39:21The Joy of Having Unstructured Alone Time Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

There are certain rites of passage that take place after a major break-up. For some, it’s a hair-cut or a big solo trip, or a regrettable rebound with someone the polar opposite of your ex. My guest this week, Alice Vincent, departed from the cliches: for her, it was growing plants. In her partly autobiographical books, Rootbound and more recently Why Women Grow, Alice chronicles how she came to growing plants as a way to heal and regain a sense of control after a break-up in her late twenties. As her life has changed – Alice is now married with her first child – gardening has remained a constant for her. In this episode, we discuss how Alice has navigated the changes of the past seven years, how gardening has allowed her to maintain a version of independence throughout it, and why she never feels lonely while out in the garden. Later, Alice also shares her tips for beginning your gardening journey by yourself, whether it’s just growing herbs on a windowsill, using a balcony space or joining a community garden. TakeawaysAlone time can be a valuable and fulfilling experience, allowing for personal growth and self-reflection.Creating personal space, whether through gardening or other activities, can provide a sense of independence and freedom.Navigating relationships and sharing space with a partner requires constant communication and a willingness to compromise.Taking time alone, whether through solo trips or dedicated alone time at home, can be rejuvenating and empowering.00:00Introduction 04:34Transition to Writing06:27Exploring Alonement07:43Defining Alone09:38Aloneness in Different Life Stages10:35The Luxury of Alone Time13:04Navigating Alone Time14:28Themes in Rootbound and Why Women Grow15:21Finding Solace in Gardening19:46Creating Space for Oneself20:46Gardening as a Solitary Activity24:41The Meditative Nature of Gardening27:03Living with a Partner and Maintaining Independence30:16The Ambivalence of Sharing Space34:32Choosing Relationships on One's Own Terms38:52Creating Personal Space43:37Tips for Starting a Growing Journey47:21Taking Time Alone50:07Ultimate Alone Time Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Leslie Stephens is the writer behind Morning Person, a top 10 Substack newsletter that chronicles her life in Portland, Oregon. In August last year, shortly after her 30th birthday, Leslie announced to her readers that she was separating from her husband. Over the past 18 months, she’s chronicled her journey of living by herself for the first time, including her recent solo house purchase – which we chat about in this episode. She also shares her advice – as a former food and lifestyle editor – of establishing a home by yourself, and – crucially – for yourself, rather than designing around the absence of someone else. Whether or not you’re already familiar with Leslie’s work, this conversation is full of gems for any kind of solo living – I hope you get as much from it as I did.Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device. This season of Alonement was edited by Pineapple Audio Production.Chapters00:00Introduction01:00Learning to Make a Home for One02:25Designing a Home as a Solo Liver05:22The Challenges and Mistakes of Designing Alone06:47Designing with a Partner vs Designing Alone10:59The Lack of Resources for Solo Living11:55Creating Content for Solo Living13:17Making Changes in a Solo Living Space14:44The Importance of Solitude in Designing a Home19:44The Lack of Resources for Designing a First Home Alone21:08Building a New Relationship with a Parent22:32Navigating the Grey Areas of Life25:16Coping with Weekends and Sundays Alone27:07Finding Joy in Cooking for One32:29Creating Recipes and Experimenting with Cooking Alone38:11The Inspiration Behind the Novel 'You're Safe Here'46:26Maintaining Solitude in a Relationship47:45The Ultimate Alonement: Movement and Stillness10:00The Importance of Self-Awareness20:00The Role of External Validation30:00Navigating Comparison and Social Media40:00The Impact of Internal Dialogue48:40Conclusion Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Getting engaged to your partner is typically a time for celebration. But for today’s guest Max Dickins, it was …. more complicated. As he prepared to propose to his girlfriend, Naomi, he had an uncomfortable revelation: he couldn’t think of anyone to ask to be his best man. This prompted a personal crisis for the writer and comedian – one which inspired him to address the dwindling friendship connections in his own life …… and to investigate the topic of male mental health and loneliness more. The result was his brilliant non-fiction book, Billy No Mates: How I Realised Men Have a Friendship Problem.This is a wide-ranging discussion, which actually opens with a chat about the romance of solitude – sometimes Max has always valued, but once used as an excuse for why he sometimes had no one to see at weekends. We also cover gendered attitudes towards both solitude and loneliness, which was really interesting and definitely opened my eyes. I hope you enjoy listening.Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.TakeawaysSolitude and loneliness are not the same; solitude is a choice to spend time alone, while loneliness is a subjective feeling of unhappiness with social connections.Gender plays a significant role in the association of solitude and loneliness, with historical and cultural factors influencing the gendered distinctions.Toxic masculinity can contribute to extreme solitude and the need to outdo each other in terms of solitude, which can be pathological.The social biome is a balance of different types of relationships, including close friendships, casual connections, and moments of solitude.Weekend loneliness is a phenomenon that affects many individuals, particularly men, who may feel isolated and lacking social connections during weekends.Understanding and appreciating the value of solitude can lead to a healthier balance in relationships and personal well-being.Chapters00:00 Introduction and Background03:00 Gendered Perspectives on Solitude06:00 Toxic Masculinity and Extreme Solitude09:00 The Rationalisation of Solitude10:00 Loneliness vs. Solitude12:00 The Social Biome and Balance15:00 The Friendship Problem for Men20:00 Exploring Masculinity and Gender Conditioning23:00 Gendered Behaviours and Barriers to Connection29:00 Weekend Loneliness and its Impact34:00 Reevaluating the Value of Solitude38:00 Reflections on the Book and the Importance of Conversation Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.