Episode 49: Make a Given Wish

Our work was done. We'd said all we needed to say. We apparated from this world, much like monks who retreat to a mountaintop hovel. Only for us, we apparated via Greyhound and hoveled in an abandoned Bauxite mine outside Eufaula, Alabama. Everything was going great. We each had our own little cavernlet in which to do our alonetime ablutions and adult irrigations, and every evening we gathered by the pile of old cigarettes to tell stories and scratch each others' bug bites. We chopped wood, and we carried water. We made forts. And, yes, somtimes, we cried. Then, one night, we heard a cricket. Coming from... somewhere? Its chirp drove us crazy through those long 'Bama nights. Merlin suggested we get a lizard to kill the cricket. The plan worked perfectly. But that night we noticed the lizard looking down at us from its perch, really giving us the stink eye. Like it thought it was better than us. So Adam bought us a snake to take care of the lizard. And, then, somehow, there was a filthy Persian cat to take care of the snake. And so forth. So, long story short: our cave is now occupied by a family of endangered Alabama Beach Mice (Peromyscus polionotus ammobates). And, we have returned to California. Also, we are out of money.

Whether you like baseball, chicken dinners, multilevel marketing, or The Price is Right, we offer several varietals of bespoke juices you can enjoy with your family for generations.

Welcome to the You Look Nice Today® Scat Immersion Program™. No dogs, babies, or squares allowed. In preparation for your first day on campus, please learn these key phrases, as they represent your final connection with your native tongue: SCAT: Gom zibby, glom zibby, bop zibby domp! ENGLISH: Please, do not raise your voice; I have a terrific heroin headache. SCAT: Bomp ZEE bop! Spoo-da-lee BEE zot? ENGLISH: Has this pepper spray you’re selling me been “stepped on?” SCAT: Babe sop potta womp, bum bop zee bop! ENGLISH: Your newborn baby is as uninteresting to me as the baking soda pabulum that’s currently passing for heroin. SCAT: Bomp…zeep…bomp. ENGLISH: Ha! I’ve once again taken heroin and fallen asleep whilst driving! SCAT: Stomp dee-domp, stomp dee-domp, squeep bomp—DEE bomp? ENGLISH: Have you a spare behavior modification helmet and some heroin? SCAT: Salt PEE nutz! ENGLISH: This uncut heroin you’ve provided strikes me as both deadly and affordable.

As part of a pilot program, The You Look Nice Today Foundation (a Delaware corporation) has recently undertaken a groundbreaking new outreach initiative to provide comfort to those in theoretical need. So, YES: we will sell, lend, or lease you a built-to-purpose condition along with its appropriate consolation. But, NO: we’re absolutely not Santa Claus. So, get real, you big fakers. In any case. Get well soon, and here’s that brief bedside visit from the late Sargent Shriver you never actually requested.

Welcome to the global premiere of the International You Look Nice Today Conference & Expo™! Get ready for an epic showcase of big-idea ideations and tactical tactics to be held in the picturesque Los Altos Community Centre, December 2nd 2012! Join old colleagues and make new friends in an immersive networking environment of blue-sky solutioneering and overcoats! Experience a wide-ranging and impactful offering of Keynotes, Panels, Super-Panels, Breakout Sessions, Birds-of-a-Feathers, Hands-On Demonstrations, and Interactive Receptionettes that will lavish you with a literal bag of pro-active informational materials that you can cuddle with…today! You will learn about: Vertical Market Opportunities Rethinking the Bindles of the Integrated Lunch Solution Space Etiquette of Toothbrush Dispersal Spokane Spoons and Sundry Gift Options Conference Service Conference Service Reselling Services Green and Sustainable Pamphleteering “Why Lie?”: The Ethics of Electronic Reverse Panhandling Far from the Tree: Leaving Your Own Paper Company The Post-Mortem Aerobic Media Space FLAC → LAME QR Code Encoding Codecs Hardtack and Rickshaw: Frontiers in eCommerce Exchange A Wide Net: Targeting the Stout Man Upscale Feline Premiums (US and Intl.) A Charlie Kaufman Multiverse: Retroscripting the Charlie Kaufmaning of Charlie Kaufman’s Charlie Kaufman Enhanced Social Components of Gamification Engineering Peanuts Envy: Cracking the Preferred Legume of the Gaul ROX: Finding New Returns on…Something “The Remora Feel”: Exploring the Physics of Virtual Viral Piggybacking Elements of Pipe & Drape Cos-TUME Presentation Register TODAY! Early Bird Registration: 10 Wampum. Platinum Sponsors: MeeBow®, Nostalgex®, CDrivers®, NRG Hookerz!®, and Sandy's Fancy Dance-A-Tron®.

Listen. It’s actually very simple. When you buy in to the You Look Nice Today “Inverted Triangle Program™” you enter a world of theoretically unlimited income. Recruit two friends, ask them to recruit two friends, and—BOOM—you’re reviving even the most tired franchise. Mazel Tov!

ATTENTION! POOL RULES! Free swim Thursdays 4:00 - 4:15. Shower before entering pool. Also, shave before entering pool. This is a “Body Shame Free” zone. You must keep your eyes closed at all times. Chairs may only be saved with a passport, $50 bill, or a signed photo of Burt Reynolds. Towels available for a small fee—ask the Towel Troll for details. Water in the pool is a privilege, not a right! Just going to be honest here about going #1 and #2: going #1 is way less of a big deal than you think. Going #2 is way more of a big deal than you think. Do NOT talk to Randy about 9/11. NO CANADIANS Also: what’s your theme song; Adam the lion; cloggin’ a drain; seeing yourself in a mirror; grits etc.; Burt Reynolds; peeing on Car 17; splashing is not drowning; pool chairs for everyone bro; browsing TV Guide; Robin Hood of chaises; an original Playstation; The Meerkats and the Laundry Bag; nipples in a crawlspace; ask Quora; the sausage sweats.

TO: Paul Polman, CEO Unilever PLC London, United Kingdom Dear Mr. Polman, I hope you can help me. You are in charge of a massive, multinational food and detergent company. So I understand that you are a very busy man. My problem, while small compared to all of the things you must worry about every day, is of dire importance to me. I have been a fan of your Ragu line of pasta sauces for many years. Specifically, I love your Ragu Robusto™ Six Cheese Pasta Sauce. More specifically, I love to have sex with your Ragu Robusto™ Six Cheese Pasta Sauce. Yes, I am a salsaphile—someone who is stimulated by tomato-based sauces or purées. Yes, it is very real. The DSM-IV-TR (psychiatry’s literal Bible) almost refers to it several times. For years, I have loved Ragu Six Cheese. A fine purée and creamy balance of cheeses, lovingly microwaved for 45 seconds, has been my companion for so many otherwise lonely nights. In fact, two years ago I broke off my relationships with all other sauces and decided to see Ragu Six exclusively. After a final, lingering kiss with Newman’s Own Cabernet Marinara, I and Ragu Six were free to begin the next stage of our life together. Then, disaster. Some bean counter in your accounting department must have decided to cut costs. Suddenly, one Saturday evening, Ragu Six changed. The viscosity was off. The skin-feel was different. I looked down into my specially designed bowl and didn’t recognize the sauce staring back up at me. You might think that I am an isolated case, some lone “weirdo” with a grudge. Not true! The forum at NoShameTomato.org is on fire with dozens of complaints from folks who also preferred the amorous texture of the previous formula. Those are complaints from many different people who are definitely not me. Mr. Polman, I understand that you are probably not sexually aroused by a liquified Burpee Super Italian. But, please, I beg that you go back to the old recipe. Give me back the sauce I once loved so much. Best regards, Taylor Martin Grants Pass, OR Special introduction by Matthew “Frenchish” Latkiewicz. Also: Hidden Mickey and the eighth dwarf; a new kind of trust exercise and restaurant; Blueberry Morning; untenable stuff; Mexico is full of 200W bulbs and Concord Grape Pop Tarts; Maximum White Creme Pomade; writing to the CEO; ungrippable body wash; Action Line with the Wet Man; Depression-era food; welcome to The Jungle; brokavore gourmet; the CEO of Can; a handful of gravel; generics.

Hello, my friend! Welcome to my humble automobile dealership! Ah, yes. Very nice. I see you eyeing our all new 2013 Toyota Scimitar with optional Sports Package and Premium Ground Effects. This favored daughter of luxury is blessed with power steering, calfskin cup holders, and eleven LCD screens. And, she is yours today, my friend, for the pittance of $32,000. Very nice! [silence] Ahhhhhhhhh, yes, my friend. I can tell from your ironic eyeglasses and gawky demeanor that you are the kind of man who will do much research! Very nice. Well, for you? My manager approves: I take off $500! [silence] Hmmm, in your hand I see a check for the full retail price and a printed out email whose subject line I can clearly read as “FWD: car-buying tips from Dad.” Please dispose of worries—from me only, you get a fair deal! $24,000! Best international price! You check on computer sites. Very nice. [silence] You appear to be sweating, my friend. Would you like to sit down? What’s that? Ah, yes. Be well. Our wi-fi password is “N1ssanSux.” One word; no spaces. Very nice. [silence] $23,000 is as low as I can go. I pull my babies from school for you. [silence] No? No?!? Still too much? Very nice. $22,000 and a copy of the hit board game Scruples! My death like a mere dog is your good fortune, my friend! [silence] Argh! Again, you push too hard! Too hard! Very Nice!!! Okay. Yes yes yes yes yes! $21,000, AND the Scruples, AND a taste of the food you are literally taking from my child’s mouth. Very nice. [silence] I do not know how you do it! Please, accept my offer or they will fire me! $15,000 out the door. Scruples, free. Also a very small bust of Bette Midler. And Amish lathe. Many veins. My gift I make for you. Very nice. [silence] Yes. Okay. You think about it. Talk to wife. Sure. Good. I bring more coffee and fresh Pop-O-Matic. Yes. [silence] Very nice, my friend. Very. Very. Nice. [silence]

Thieving Threesome Nabbed (California) Three men were detained and arrested at a local Target today, charged with the attempted theft of over $400 in merchandise. The men refused to identify themselves, giving only their local club affiliation: Gellies Local 416. “This wasn’t your normal grab-and-go,” said Target assistant manager Charles Monjohnson. “Like what they were wearing: fezzes, vests, and some kind of extremely roomy jumpsuit.” Also strange, he said, were the items they attempted to steal. A partial list: • King James bible • Cap gun caps • Advil • 60 Minutes box set • Mossimo Hyper-jacket • 6 loaves of Wonder bread • Wine glasses • A Tivo • 42 bottles of Beano One witness, who asked not to be identified, had an up-close view of the incident: “I don’t know how they thought they’d get out of there with all that stuff,” she said. “Sure, they tried to cram some of it into their jumpsuits, but it was just spilling out of their clothes. They walked past the security guard just as nonchalant as can be, making eye contact, smiling and nodding as if they had nothing to hide. And if the store alarm hadn’t gone off, they might have gotten away with it, too.” The three say they were obtaining supplies for their group’s annual “Doin’ It for the Kids” celebration, in which pediatric burn victims compete in a series of events for the coveted “Gelly” award. Sources inside the group revealed that the Gellies Local 416 chapter has been struggling financially for years. Also: Simpson’s Speculation vs. Lisagor’s Constant, the red cloud button, stem of a snifter, the Full Rooney, whiskey for the house, haha that wine label made me laugh just kidding it’s the worst, bodegalier, preemptive delivery service, Adam’s other apartment, don’t really ever wink ever, buddy waiter, guilty innocence, Advil snatch, just to feel something, anything, friendship union, The Tilders, play that back in Latin, a fez and a tiny car, Knights of Caesar, blast that window.