107. What Is Complex Shame? And, Why Most Sex Addicts Are Unaware They Have It

I’m not a big fan of the term “sex addiction.” While some men fall into this category, a lot of men don’t. Therefore, calling any guy who has been unfaithful multiple times an “addict” is not necessarily accurate. This matters when you’re in recovery, as treating an addict who isn’t an addict will not work.  In fact, it typically backfires and results in relapse. I believe this is why we see such a high rate of relapse. Not because sex addiction is hard to recover from, but because men are not getting the recovery that they actually need. It’s also my belief that this is why many betrayed partners often feel that their husbands are “not in good recovery.”  I think that betrayed partners sense a lack of change in the areas that they feel are responsible for their husbands' acting out. While many men find this frustrating (I know I did), I wonder if these ladies are onto something? In this episode, I talk about the difference between an addict and a chronic cheater and what needs to be done differently in recovery. If you don’t resonate with the term “sex addict,” you’re not alone. While each of my recovery groups has 1 or 2 sex/porn addicts, most of the men in my program don’t meet the diagnostic criteria of “addiction.” If you want to dive further into this, check out my book on Amazon or Audible. The book is written from a process addiction approach rather than your typical sobriety/abstinence approach. Here is the link to my book: https://a.co/d/01M8659n

Imagine having something holding you back in your sex addiction recovery that you’re unaware of… In this episode, my guest Shirley Lytle (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) educates listeners on how to spot and manage “complex shame.” I personally found this episode thrilling to record, as I had never heard of complex shame before. Like most complex issues in psychology, it is… complex. Listening to this episode, you will see why. But what I found most interesting was that the majority of sex addicts who are struggling with complex shame have no idea that they have it. This can lead to defensiveness, which we all know stunts sex addiction recovery. If you would like to contact Shirley, you can find her website here: https://lwpc-wa.com/ If you are looking for a group of men to recover with, visit my website: successfuladdict.com My groups are designed specifically for business professionals, entrepreneurs, executives, and business owners who are struggling with sex addiction and chronic cheating.

Are you being honest about your sex addiction? Honest with your wife? Your Therapist? Yourself? The bigger question is, can you be honest? While people call this a “sex addiction,” in my groups, only 10-20% of guys are actually addicted to sex or porn. They get caught, and then they stop. By definition, they’re not a sex addict. So, what are they? Well, the answer to this question matters. If you can’t answer it… are you even in recovery? How do we know these behaviors won’t happen again? Sex addiction is classified as a process addiction. It’s important to understand your unique process if you want to prevent it from happening again. In this episode, I talk about how many men are not in good recovery. Not because they aren’t trying, but because they aren’t being honest about their behavior. If you’re not an addict, then you need a different style of treatment. Abstinence and sobriety-based treatment plans are not going to work for you. If you want to learn more about process addiction and how to discover your specific process, check out my book on Amazon or audiobook here: https://a.co/d/0fhSabK3

Successful men are often “highly sensitive people.” And, the sad part is that they have no idea. I myself am a highly sensitive person, as are most successful entrepreneurs. Our sensitivity is a superpower. However, it can cause difficulties when it comes to sex addiction recovery. In this episode, I’m joined by Jason VanRuler and Mike Vaughn. We connected at a sex addiction conference and decided that this would be a great podcast topic for my listeners. We first define what a “Highly Sensitive Person” is and how it might affect you in recovery. Even if you think you aren’t highly sensitive, I would recommend that you give this episode a listen. You might be surprised. Many of the men in my recovery groups are highly sensitive. Understanding this has been os great help for them when it comes to crafting an effective recovery plan. If you are an executive, entrepreneur, or business professional who is lacking a recovery group of like-minded men to connect with, visit my website here: successfuladdict.com

In a hyper sexual world, why do some men act out and others don’t? The Answer: For sex addicts… It’s worth it. Crazy right?! Well, it's less crazy when you learn WHY they act out. Which is exactly what I talk about in this episode. In this podcast, I discuss:  How men reach the point where acting out becomes an option  How men free themselves from the guilt What men need to do if they want to achieve lasting recovery Sex addiction is a process addiction. It’s complex, diverse, and unique to the individual. As a result, your recovery will need to be customized. If your goal is to restore trust in your marriage, help your wife feel safe, and prevent this from happening again… You need to develop a recovery plan that’s actually going to work for your specific process addiction. If you’re a business professional, an entrepreneur, or an executive looking for a sex addiction recovery group full of like-minded men you can connect with, visit my website: successfuladdict.com

Many sex addicts are not in good recovery. But it’s not always their fault.  A “deficit” is when something critical is missing. In terms of sex addiction, a deficit describes a critical element of recovery that is lacking or underdeveloped. The result is a guy who is unable to fully embody the behavior required to recover. This is extremely common in sex and porn addiction, as most men who develop these unwanted behaviors typically lack emotional attunement, integrity, empathy, and many other human skills that were not correctly modeled to them as children. These guys are trying to recover… but may look like they aren’t trying. This is because they intellectually understand what is required, but are unable to do it in real life. In this episode, I’m joined by Chris Jones out of the UK. Chris has been on my podcast before and is one of my favorite guests. He and I share a similar outlook when it comes to sex addiction recovery. For those of you who are interested in working with Chris, you can find him here: https://chrisjonestherapy.co.uk/ If you are a high achiever, business owner, or professional, and you resonated with this episode, visit my website. I run sex addiction recovery groups for successful men using weekly zoom calls, daily accountability, and bi-annual intensives. Visit my website here: successfuladdict.com

You need a stance on pornography. Is it okay or is it not ok? If you don’t have a stance, you’ll likely relapse. Sex addiction and porn addiction recovery plans need to be crystal clear. And, they can't be clear if you haven’t yet decided if you really want to stop. Now, I know you want to stop (otherwise you wouldn’t be listening to this podcast). But, do you want to stop for you? Or is it because of your faith or your wife? I believe that recovery is only possible if done for you and the betterment of your life. In this episode, I list off some things to consider that will help you solidify your stance against pornography. If you want more resources to help you in recovery, buy my book on Amazon here: https://a.co/d/0jhqrMzp

It’s easy to get stuck in the betrayal healing process. It’s hard, confusing, emotional, and ever-changing. While recovering from sex addiction can have its own challenges, relational recovery can often be much more challenging. Yes, it takes time. But there’s also a lot you can do to screw it up and make it take longer. In this episode, I’m joined by Hope Ray, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. She hosts 3-day couples intensives specializing in working with those healing from sexual betrayal.  Hope and I talk about the struggles that couples encounter in recovery after they make it past the crisis stage. Long-term healing looks different than the first 6-months. You will need to practice a different skill set if you want to restore trust and safety. If you and your wife are interested in working with Hope Ray, you can find her website here:https://www.hoperay.com/ On her website, you can also find her private podcast for betrayed partners. For those of you interested in attending one of my intensives, I still have room for a few more men this summer and in the fall. Visit my website to fill out an application: successfuladdict.com

It’s unfortunate how many guys don’t know what a good sex addiction recovery plan looks like. Their long-term sobriety and the health of their marriage are threatened as a result. In this episode, I review how to build a sex addiction recovery plan and what it needs to look like if you want it to be effective. I also discuss what betrayed partners want to see from you before they can trust you again. Recovery doesn’t have to be hard, but you do need a plan that has been psychologically proven to be effective. From there, you need to inform your recovery group so that they can keep you accountable. Recovering from sex and porn addiction is a long road. You’ll need other men to keep you accountable if you’re going to stay in this long enough to make a full recovery. I have 2 chapters in my book that will help you create a recovery plan. You can find my book here on Amazon: https://a.co/d/006Ka8Tr If you’re a high-achieving guy looking for a recovery group full of like-minded men, take a look at my website. You cannot recover without deep connections with men whom you relate to and admire. You’ll find plenty of them in my groups. Visit successfuladdict.com

“Check-Ins” are a common thing after sexual betrayal and infidelity. They are intended to rebuild safety and trust. But they can also result in arguments and disconnection. In this episode, I am joined by Dr. Jill Manning. She and I talk about how check-ins can be helpful and how to prevent them from being unhelpful. Betrayed partners often worry that they are not getting the full truth. After being lied to for so long, their brain has a hard time trusting that they know everything their partner is doing. A great way to soothe some of the anxiety is through performing a daily check-in. However, when done incorrectly, these check-ins can end up in conflict, disagreements, and disconnection. Not a great way to end your day (especially if you have to do it again tomorrow!). In this episode, we help recovering sex addicts perform a productive check-in that results in restoring safety and trust for the betrayed partner. If you want to explore working with Dr. Manning, you can visit her website here: https://drjillmanning.com/ If you are a high-achiever seeking a recovery group full of like-minded men, head over to my website. It can be difficult to find guys to connect with in recovery, even more so if you are in the top 2%. This is unfortunate, as connection is EVERYTHING when it comes to recovery. If you are a business owner, professional, executive, or entrepreneur, I have built recovery groups full of men like you. Fill out an application here: successfuladdict.com