“Menopause Is a Good Thing!”

It’s 3:12 a.m. and you’re wide awake again. Is this just how life is going to be from now on? The answer, from board-certified behavioral sleep medicine specialist Dr. Elaine Boland, PhD, DBSM is a resounding NO. Yes, hormonal shifts in midlife can nudge you out of sleep in the middle of the night, but they aren’t the reason you’re lying there, frustrated and anxious. In this conversation, psychiatrist Dr. Jennifer Reid interviews Dr. Boland about the true underlying causes for midlife insomnia, and how we can get our restful nights back.Meet “Mary,” a 52-year-old cardiologist who has woken at 3 a.m. almost every night for six years. She has tried melatonin, magnesium, over-the-counter sleep aids, and prescriptions, and her OB-GYN told her it was permanent. Dr. Boland explains why that verdict is all wrong.Thanks for checking out A Mind of Her Own! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.Key Points from the Episode• There’s no single “insomnia gene.” Many small genetic variants affect how vulnerable a person is, and insomnia usually starts with a stressor or a life transition.• As we age, our body clock shifts earlier, we get less deep sleep and more light (stage 2) sleep, and sleep becomes more fragmented. Some early-morning waking is simply a developmental change.Why trying harder backfires• Frustration and effort (counting, forcing thoughts away) switch on hyperarousal. “Your computer is not asleep if it’s also processing.”• High achievers are especially vulnerable because effort has always worked for them everywhere else. With sleep, the harder you try, the less it happens.How Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I) Can Help• Behavioral strategies come first: learn the importance of responding to your body’s sleepiness signals instead of the clock, dropping the long “on-ramp” of getting into bed early, keeping a consistent wake time no matter how the night went, and getting out of bed when you aren’t sleeping so the bed stops being linked with struggle.• Acceptance (ACT) over arguing with thoughts: Dr. Boland draws heavily on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Accept that you’re awake, “drop the rope,” and do something pleasant until sleepiness comes back.• Good middle-of-the-night activities: audiobooks, music, adult coloring books, or meditation if you enjoy it for its own sake. Avoid scrolling (it drives reward-seeking and you can’t control what you’ll see), chores, and relaxation techniques used as a tool to force sleep.• Daytime dread: notice the “insomnia movie” playing in your head without watching it closely. Separate unavoidable pain (feeling tired) from added suffering (comparing, catastrophizing, fearing the future).Putting sleep’s health risks in perspective• Sleep “gets scapegoated a lot.” Fear-based messages about sleep can create sleep anxiety of their own.• Sleep health has several dimensions: regularity, quality, satisfaction, timing, and how you feel the next day, not only how many hours you get (Dr. Daniel Buysse’s work).• CBT-I’s biggest effect is on distress about sleep, though many people also sleep longer and more continuously.Thanks for checking out A Mind of Her Own! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.Getting help• Look for a trained provider through the CBT-I International Directory, a vetted international directory of CBT-I providers, searchable by location. Psychologists who participate in PSYPACT may be able to see you by telehealth across state lines.• Approach self-guided apps with care. Check how well they’ve been studied and whether they have FDA clearance.• Midlife is a higher-risk time for sleep apnea in women, and it often shows up as fatigue rather than classic sleepiness or snoring. A home sleep test can rule it out.Additional Resources• About Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACBS): overview of ACT from the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science, plus a therapist finder• Women’s sleep health: OSA across life stages (ReachMD): why sleep apnea often looks different in women and why risk rises after menopauseConnect with your host, Jennifer Reid, MDDr. Jennifer Reid is a physician, the host of A Mind of Her Own, and the author of Guilt Free: Reclaiming Your Life from Unreasonable Expectations — available at major retailers.🌐 Website: jenniferreidmd.comIf you enjoyed this episode, please follow A Mind of Her Own and leave a rating or review on Apple Podcasts — it makes a huge difference in helping other people find the show! 🎙️About Today’s GuestDr. Elaine Boland, PhD, DBSM is a licensed clinical psychologist with board certification in behavioral sleep medicine (DBSM) and more than 15 years of experience providing evidence-based care for sleep, anxiety, depression, and life stress. She earned her PhD in clinical psychology at Temple University and completed an advanced postdoctoral fellowship with the Philadelphia VA’s Mental Illness Research, Education and Clinical Center (MIRECC). She has held research and faculty appointments at the University of Pennsylvania and the Corporal Michael J. Crescenz VA Medical Center, served as a consultant for the VA’s National Training Program for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia, and conducted NIMH-funded research on circadian rhythms and life stress in women experiencing symptoms of perimenopause. Her research focuses on where sleep, circadian rhythms, and mental health meet. She now sees clients by telehealth through her private practice, based in Collingswood, New Jersey.🎙️ Some Exciting News!A Mind of Her Own has recently joined the Learn At Pinnacle app, so if you work in health care, you can receive FREE CE credit just for listening! (This includes Category 1 AMA CME credit and many others.)Download the free app at the link above or at: https://learnatpinnacle.com/educationSeeking a mental health provider? Try Psychology TodayNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255Dial 988 for mental health crisis supportSAMHSA’s National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357)-a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.Disclaimer:The views expressed on this podcast reflect those of the host and guests, and are not associated with any organization or academic site. Also, AI may have been used to create the transcript and notes, based only on the specific discussion of the host and guest and reviewed for accuracy.The information and other content provided on this podcast or in any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this website is for general information purposes only.If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something that have read on this website, blog or in any linked materials. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services (911) immediately. You can also access the National Suicide Help Line at 1-800-273-8255 or call 988 for mental health emergencies. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit amindofherown.substack.com

“There’s a larger purpose for [menopause]. There’s a reason we have it. There’s a reason we go through it.” -Dr. Susan Mattern, Ph.D. On A Mind of Her Own, historian Dr. Susan Mattern, Ph.D., author of The Slow Moon Climbs: The Science, History and Meaning of Menopause, speaks to Jennifer Reid, MD about her book, arguing that menopause is not a disease, a mistake, or a modern artifact of longer lives, but rather an evolved and highly valuable stage of human life. Dr. Mattern traces the idea of menopause as an illness to French doctors around 1700, then to Robert Wilson’s estrogen-promoting Feminine Forever in 1966, and now to influencers and subscription clinics. She is careful not to dismiss anyone’s real symptoms, but says treating menopause as a disease can itself create suffering. She instead encourages us to view this transition as nothing to fear, and reminds us of the important truth that life after menopause can be a time of major contribution and joy.Connect with your host, Jennifer Reid, MDDr. Jennifer Reid is a physician, the host of A Mind of Her Own, and the author of Guilt Free: Reclaiming Your Life from Unreasonable Expectations — available at major retailers.🌐 Website: jenniferreidmd.comIf you enjoyed this episode, please follow A Mind of Her Own and leave a rating or review on Apple Podcasts — it makes a huge difference in helping other people find the show! 🎙️About Today’s GuestDr. Susan Mattern, Ph.D. is Distinguished Research Professor of History at the University of Georgia and a historian of ancient medicine. The Slow Moon Climbs: The Science, History, and Meaning of Menopause (Princeton University Press, 2019), a world history of menopause from about 2 million years BCE (before the common era) that challenges the modern story of this transition as an illness or decline, instead considering it as a key feature of our species’ success story.Thanks for reading and listening to A Mind of Her Own! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.🎙️ Some Exciting News!A Mind of Her Own has recently joined the Learn At Pinnacle app, so if you work in health care, you can receive FREE CE credit just for listening! (This includes Category 1 AMA CME credit and many others.)Download the free app at the link above or at: https://learnatpinnacle.com/educationThanks for reading A Mind of Her Own! This post is public so feel free to share it.Seeking a mental health provider? Try Psychology TodayNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255Dial 988 for mental health crisis supportSAMHSA’s National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357)-a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.Disclaimer:The views expressed on this podcast reflect those of the host and guests, and are not associated with any organization or academic site. Also, AI may have been used to create the transcript and notes, based only on the specific discussion of the host and guest and reviewed for accuracy.The information and other content provided on this podcast or in any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this website is for general information purposes only.If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something that have read on this website, blog or in any linked materials. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services (911) immediately. You can also access the National Suicide Help Line at 1-800-273-8255 or call 988 for mental health emergencies. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit amindofherown.substack.com

“When we talk about work-life balance... what about parenting? Is that the work or is that the life? It doesn’t fit in that equation.” -Dr. Debbie RaphaelWhat does it really mean to raise a child, and to keep yourself whole while you do it? Dr. Jennifer Reid sits down with Dr. Debbie Raphael, a child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist and author of the forthcoming Carry My Strength: A Parent’s Guide to Growing and Thriving Alongside Your Child (January 2027), whose title comes from something her own mother used to tell her before hard days.They talk about training in psychiatry while raising a newborn, using reflective functioning to stay steady when a teen is “crashing out,” and moving from manager to consultant as kids grow. They also take on the myth of work-life balance, the invisible labor of caregiving, and why “good enough” is the actual goal and not a consolation prize.Connect with your host, Jennifer Reid, MDDr. Jennifer Reid is a physician, the host of A Mind of Her Own, and the author of Guilt Free: Reclaiming Your Life from Unreasonable Expectations — available at major retailers.🌐 Website: jenniferreidmd.comIf you enjoyed this episode, please follow A Mind of Her Own and leave a rating or review on Apple Podcasts — it makes a huge difference in helping other people find the show! 🎙️About Today’s GuestDebbie Raphael, M.D. is a double board-certified child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist and the author of Carry My Strength, coming out in January 2027 with Jossey-Bass/Wiley, available for pre-sale now. She earned her medical degree from UC San Diego and completed postgraduate training at UC San Francisco, where she served as Assistant Clinical Professor. Once a child advice columnist for her local newspaper, now a psychiatrist in clinical practice for over twenty years and parent to two boys, Dr. Raphael is honored to be living her dream of sharing her knowledge and experience with the broader community, aiming to prevent illness by promoting personal growth and healthy relationships. She lives with her husband and children in the San Francisco Bay Area.Thanks for checking out A Mind of Her Own! Subscribe (always for free) to receive new posts and support my work.🎙️ Some Exciting News!A Mind of Her Own has recently joined the Learn At Pinnacle app, so if you work in health care, you can receive FREE CE credit just for listening! (This includes Category 1 AMA CME credit and many others.)Download the free app at the link above or at: https://learnatpinnacle.com/educationThanks for checking out A Mind of Her Own! I would be honored if you shared this episode with someone in your life.Seeking a mental health provider? Try Psychology TodayNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255Dial 988 for mental health crisis supportSAMHSA’s National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357)-a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.Disclaimer:The views expressed on this podcast reflect those of the host and guests, and are not associated with any organization or academic site. Also, AI may have been used to create the transcript and notes, based only on the specific discussion of the host and guest and reviewed for accuracy.The information and other content provided on this podcast or in any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this website is for general information purposes only.If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something that have read on this website, blog or in any linked materials. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services (911) immediately. You can also access the National Suicide Help Line at 1-800-273-8255 or call 988 for mental health emergencies. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit amindofherown.substack.com

What if the years after menopause aren’t something to dread, but a life stage evolution built on purpose? Dr. Jennifer Reid, MD sits down with anthropologist Michael Gurven, PhD author of Seven Decades: How We Evolved to Live Longer, to explore why humans are one of the few species that keep thriving long after they stop reproducing. Even among hunter-gatherers, as much as a third of adult life is post-reproductive, and as Dr. Gurven puts it, “Evolution doesn’t make mistakes like that.” Drawing on two decades with the Tsimane and Ache in South America, he shares a surprise: when he asked women about menopause, they didn’t talk about symptoms. They talked about freedom. Long-standing taboos lifted, and women stepped into public life more boldly, speaking up in community meetings where, as he says, “people listen to them.”So how do we age well? Listen in for a hopeful look at what the second half of life is actually for, and how we can embrace the freedom of our later years (hint: community and social connections are crucial). ***Want to build community while lessening your guilt? Start your own Guilt Free Group here. (jenniferremd.com/guilt-free)Connect with your host, Jennifer Reid, MDDr. Jennifer Reid is a physician, the host of A Mind of Her Own, and the author of Guilt Free: Reclaiming Your Life from Unreasonable Expectations — available at major retailers.🌐 Website: jenniferreidmd.comIf you enjoyed this episode, please follow A Mind of Her Own and leave a rating or review on Apple Podcasts — it makes a huge difference in helping other people find the show! 🎙️About Today’s GuestDr. Michael Gurven, PhD is a Distinguished Professor in Integrative Anthropological Sciences @ the University of California, Santa Barbara. He has conducted fieldwork for two decades with South American indigenous populations, and his work takes an evolutionary perspective on behavior, health, physiology and psychology. He’s the author of the recent book, Seven Decades, How We Evolved to Live Longer (Princeton University Press, 2025).🎙️ Some Exciting News!A Mind of Her Own has recently joined the Learn At Pinnacle app, so if you work in health care, you can receive FREE CE credit just for listening! (This includes Category 1 AMA CME credit and many others.)Download the free app at the link above or at: https://learnatpinnacle.com/educationThanks for checking out A Mind of Her Own! I would be honored if you shared this episode with someone in your life.Seeking a mental health provider? Try Psychology TodayNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255Dial 988 for mental health crisis supportSAMHSA’s National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357)-a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.Disclaimer:The views expressed on this podcast reflect those of the host and guests, and are not associated with any organization or academic site. Also, AI may have been used to create the transcript and notes, based only on the specific discussion of the host and guest and reviewed for accuracy.The information and other content provided on this podcast or in any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this website is for general information purposes only.If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something that have read on this website, blog or in any linked materials. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services (911) immediately. You can also access the National Suicide Help Line at 1-800-273-8255 or call 988 for mental health emergencies. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit amindofherown.substack.com

“I’m only as insecure as the parts of myself I leave in the shadows.” - Marisa G. Franco, PhDWelcome to A Mind of Her Own! I’m Jennifer Reid, MD, a psychiatrist and the author of Guilt Free: Reclaiming Your Life from Unreasonable Expectations. Today I’m joined by Dr. Marisa G Franco, psychologist, professor at the University of Maryland and author of the New York Times bestselling book, Platonic. Her latest book, Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment, arrives September 15th, 2026.Key Ideas1. Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem. Self-worth means treating your internal world, especially your feelings, as if it matters. It has two parts: sensitivity (noticing how you feel) and responsiveness (doing something about it).2. Two Kinds of “High Self-Esteem”. Research shows people who report high self-esteem split into two very different groups: one is defensive, hostile, and takes feelings out on others; the other is compassionate, accountable, and has smooth relationships. The difference isn’t whether they feel insecure; it’s whether they can acknowledge it.3. “Secure-ish,” not Secure. Franco pushes back on treating “secure attachment” as a fixed, all-or-nothing identity to perform. True security is being honest about when you’re anxious, avoidant, or want to withdraw, not hiding those parts.4. Memories are the Database of Self-Esteem. Because memories don’t just record the past but predict the future, people with a history of neglect or harm may unconsciously expect rejection, so they resist fully internalizing love or praise, since believing in it now would make the eventual “fall” feel worse.“Tenderly tell the truth of your insecurities first to yourself and then to those who love you.” —Marisa G. Franco, PhDThanks for reading and listening to A Mind of Her Own! Subscribe (always free) to receive new posts and share my work.***Want to build community while lessening your guilt? Start your own Guilt Free Group here. (jenniferremd.com/guilt-free)Connect with your host, Jennifer Reid, MDDr. Jennifer Reid is a physician, the host of A Mind of Her Own, and the author of Guilt Free: Reclaiming Your Life from Unreasonable Expectations — available at major retailers.🌐 Website: jenniferreidmd.comIf you enjoyed this episode, please follow A Mind of Her Own and leave a rating or review on Apple Podcasts — it makes a huge difference in helping other people find the show! 🎙️🎙️ Some Exciting News!A Mind of Her Own has recently joined the Learn At Pinnacle app, so if you work in health care, you can receive FREE CE credit just for listening! (This includes Category 1 AMA CME credit and many others.) Download the free app at the link above or at: https://learnatpinnacle.com/educationThanks for checking out A Mind of Her Own! I would be honored if you shared this episode with someone in your life.Seeking a mental health provider? Try Psychology TodayNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255Dial 988 for mental health crisis supportSAMHSA’s National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357)-a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.Disclaimer:The views expressed on this podcast reflect those of the host and guests, and are not associated with any organization or academic site. Also, AI may have been used to create the transcript and notes, based only on the specific discussion of the host and guest and reviewed for accuracy.The information and other content provided on this podcast or in any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this website is for general information purposes only.If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something that have read on this website, blog or in any linked materials. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services (911) immediately. You can also access the National Suicide Help Line at 1-800-273-8255 or call 988 for mental health emergencies. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit amindofherown.substack.com

Hello, and welcome to A Mind of Her Own! I’m Jennifer Reid, a psychiatrist and the author of the book, Guilt Free, Reclaiming Your Life from Unreasonable Expectations. Today is Episode 4 in my series called Guilt Free, For Real. (Want to catch up? Here are the first three episodes: 1. Solving the Guilt Equation (Finally!) 2. The Guilt Divide: Women, Men and the Emotions We’re Taught to Feel 3. Why Can’t I Ditch this Awful Guilt? )This episode today (corresponding with chapter three in the book, if you are following along), is all about the Four Furies of Unreasonable Expectations. If you’ve listened to prior episodes, and I encourage you to do so (see above)! you know about the Guilt Equation, which is that our guilt is based on our expectations of ourselves minus our perceived reality, meaning minus what we notice ourselves doing, which may not even reflect, in fact often doesn’t reflect, what we’re actually doing. But where do these sky high expectations come from? The Four Furies are:* Constant caretaking: “I feel like it’s selfish to take time for myself instead of being available to the people who need me.”* Hyper-accountability: “I adjust what I say or do to manage other people’s emotional reactions.” * Seeking perfection: “I have trouble resting because I believe I should be trying to improve myself.” * Having it all: “When I succeed in one area (work, parenting, health) I feel like I’m neglecting another.”Understanding these four big categories for expectations allows you to see that you are not alone. These categories exist because so many women have experienced them. But I’m here to tell you that there is a way forward. Recognizing that yes, these are expectations that you’ve been taught and expected to carry, but they don’t have to be the final answer. If you’re saying “should,” someone else is writing your story. When you take control of your expectations, what you want, what you need, and what makes sense for you will create the story you follow. You get to decide what those choices are and rewrite these expectations that you’re working through. In future episodes, you will learn how to adjust each of the Guilt Equation variables, both your expectations and our perceived reality.Guilt doesn’t have to be your full time job. You are already enough.***Want to build community while lessening your guilt? Start your own Guilt Free Group here. (jenniferremd.com/guilt-free)Thanks for reading and listening to A Mind of Her Own! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.Connect with your host, Jennifer Reid, MDDr. Jennifer Reid is a physician, the host of A Mind of Her Own, and the author of Guilt Free: Reclaiming Your Life from Unreasonable Expectations — available at major retailers.🌐 Website: jenniferreidmd.com Feeling inspired by this conversation? Start your own Guilt Free Group here!(jenniferremd.com/guilt-free)If you enjoyed this episode, please follow A Mind of Her Own and leave a rating or review on Apple Podcasts — it makes a huge difference in helping other people find the show! 🎙️🎙️ Some Exciting News!A Mind of Her Own has recently joined the Learn At Pinnacle app, so if you work in health care, you can receive FREE CE credit just for listening!(This includes Category 1 AMA CME credit and many others.)Download the free app at the link above or at: https://learnatpinnacle.com/educationSeeking a mental health provider? Try Psychology TodayNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255Dial 988 for mental health crisis supportSAMHSA’s National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357)-a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.Disclaimer:The views expressed on this podcast reflect those of the host and guests, and are not associated with any organization or academic site. Also, AI may have been used to create the transcript and notes, based only on the specific discussion of the host and guest and reviewed for accuracy.The information and other content provided on this podcast or in any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this website is for general information purposes only.If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something that have read on this website, blog or in any linked materials. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services (911) immediately. You can also access the National Suicide Help Line at 1-800-273-8255 or call 988 for mental health emergencies. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit amindofherown.substack.com

Hello, I’m Jennifer Reid, MD. Welcome to this episode of A Mind of Her Own, the third in the series called Guilt Free, for Real. In today’s episode, I share 3 of the most common reasons guilt can be such a sticky emotion. (Hint: because it “helps” us in some ways.)When I’m working with individuals as a psychiatrist, there are often situations where someone says, “I know that this is not good for me, and yet I keep doing it. I keep going back to a relationship that isn’t healthy for me. I keep doing an activity that I know is not healthy for me.” What we need to understand in those situations “What is it doing to help us in some way, even though that seems counterintuitive?” It’s important to think about guilt the same way. Guilt actually can, in certain situations, help us, particularly in three key ways. * Motivation: Many of us, (myself included), feel like guilt can be motivating. In fact, when we’re feeling like we’ve already done something wrong, it can boost our motivation, but typically not for a long-term situation and at a high cost. We are starting from behind, assuming we’ve already done something wrong, that we’ve already made a mistake. We’ve already demonstrated that we are disorganized or lazy or uncaring or all these different ways that we convince ourselves and feel guilty in order to motivate ourselves. We need to work on recognizing where we are using guilt as motivation and see if we can tap into some other emotions. Maybe there’s something we really want to do, and if we haven’t done it yet, we can tell ourselves, “I really want to move in that direction. That’s something I want in my life and it is important to me,” rather than, “I’m such an awful person because I haven’t already made this change.” * Guilt protects us from other difficult emotions. You may have grown up knowing that if you expressed anger, the caretakers in your life, whether your parents, siblings, friends, early partners, would respond in a way that told you “Hey, that’s unacceptable. You’re not allowed to feel angry. Feeling angry is unfeminine, and it’s making other people uncomfortable.” So guilt becomes a way that we keep ourselves from being able to truly feel, notice and express those more difficult emotions. We might say to ourselves, “I shouldn’t feel so mad at my partner. He’s trying his best and I just need to deal with it. I’m overreacting.” Or maybe, “I shouldn’t be so mad that I got passed up for this promotion at work for someone that I don’t think was as well qualified.” We’re telling ourselves we shouldn’t feel these other emotions. This often occurs with grief. People will come in to my practice and talk about a loss that they’ve experienced, and say things like, “I didn’t do enough. I didn’t visit my father enough in the nursing home before he passed. I didn’t put enough attention into my relationship before this separation occurred. I didn’t appreciate having my children home enough before they moved out.” I think what we can recognize here is that guilt is protecting us from grief. Why is this the case? Because when we are grieving, we are acknowledging that something has truly been lost, and this can be very painful. Guilt, then, tells us, “No, this is not grief. I feel this way because I’ve done something wrong so I need to focus on how I can be better.” In this way, guilt tells us we might have some control over this feeling. It’s very hard to accept that we don’t have control over everything in our own lives, much less the safety and happiness and vulnerabilities of those others in our life. The risk of loving others is this vulnerability to loss. When we cover that with guilt, we’re also heaping self-criticism on top of what’s already a really painful time. This is why I always encourage people that getting to those underlying emotions actually allows you to face them, to explore them, and, finally, to understand them. Interestingly, guilt can also step in and protect us from happiness. It can protect us from feeling too good about ourselves or too successful. We might say, “I shouldn’t feel so happy in my relationship right now because my friend is really lonely and she wants to meet someone.” We use guilt as protection, so we don’t feel too good and risk the possibility of future disappointment. However, the cost of guilt in these situations is that it forces us to make choices that aren’t aligned with what we want and need, but rather with what we think we should do. * Guilt helps us prove that we care. Another way that I really find guilt can be so sticky and hard to relinquish is that it becomes a way we demonstrate to ourselves that we care. If I don’t feel guilty when someone in my life is struggling, then I must not care. But this is not true. You can absolutely care deeply and with love for your friend or family member and yet not feel guilty, because you didn’t do anything wrong. We can care deeply for our children, for example, and not feel guilty when they have a difficult day, as if somehow we could have protected them. If we say things that we think are appropriate, aligned with our values, and they feel disappointed, whether it’s our kids, our friends, our parents, that still doesn’t mean that we’ve done something wrong. So these are some of the key ways, again, that guilt can be so sticky because it benefits us in some way. Whether it’s through costly motivation, its ability to protect us from other true and important emotions or its suggestion that we care enough. However, shifting way from these “benefits” of guilt is so worth it, because you free up time and energy to make choices based on anything else. It might be anger, dissatisfaction, sadness, grief, happiness, excitement, but whatever it might be, you’re making decisions based on a true sense of agency. You’re saying, “This is what I want and need and I’m moving toward it. I hope this was a helpful reframe for the ways that guilt can sometimes step into our lives. Tune in for the next episode where I’ll talk more about some of the individual aspects of the four furies of expectations, 1. constant caretaking, 2. hyper-accountability, 3. seeking perfection, and 4. trying to have it all, and why those can be so difficult for us to cope with in our relationship with guilt. Thanks for tuning in! See you soon.Thanks for reading and listening to A Mind of Her Own! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.🎙️ Some Exciting News!A Mind of Her Own has recently joined the Learn At Pinnacle app, so if you work in health care, you can receive FREE CE credit just for listening!(This includes Category 1 AMA CME credit and many others.)Download the free app at the link above or at: https://learnatpinnacle.com/educationConnect with your host, Jennifer Reid, MDDr. Jennifer Reid is a physician, the host of A Mind of Her Own, and the author of Guilt Free: Reclaiming Your Life from Unreasonable Expectations — available at major retailers.🌐 Website: jenniferreidmd.com Instagram: @JenReidMD Threads: Jennifer Reid, MDFeeling inspired by this conversation? Start your own Guilt-Free Group at jenniferreidmd.com/guilt-free-groups or download a book club guide at jenniferreidmd.com/book-clubs.If you enjoyed this episode, please follow A Mind of Her Own and leave a rating or review on Apple Podcasts — it makes a huge difference in helping other people find the show! 🎙️Seeking a mental health provider? Try Psychology TodayNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255Dial 988 for mental health crisis supportSAMHSA’s National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357)-a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.Disclaimer:The views expressed on this podcast reflect those of the host and guests, and are not associated with any organization or academic site. Also, AI may have been used to create the transcript and notes, based only on the sp… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit amindofherown.substack.com

Hello, and welcome to A Mind of Her Own. I’m Jennifer Reid, MD, a psychiatrist and author. This is the second episode of my series, Guilt Free, For Real. Today, I wanted to talk to you about something that I’m asked about a lot on podcasts and interviews, “Is guilt always bad?” After all, the name of my book is Guilt Free, which suggests that we’re trying to eliminate any and all guilt. Interestingly, when I was researching guilt, what I learned is that guilt actually can be adaptive. In fact, guilt may be one of the reasons that we’ve been able to become larger and larger communities, to collaborate, to work together to enhance the success of our species. Why is that the case? Because what guilt does is help us to connect (when it’s used in moderation, in adaptive circumstances.) That seems counterintuitive, but let me explain. Guilt is when we believe we’ve done something wrong. And if we believe we’ve harmed someone, that we’ve done something that’s hurt them or made life more difficult, we feel guilty. Guilt doesn’t feel good. It also pushes us to try and do something about it. We want to relieve that feeling of guilt, and that can lead to things like apologies, attempts to repair, maybe make up for it, or at least try to learn for next time to not do that again. This is an adaptive type of guilt. We all need to be able to feel this type of adaptive guilt because without it, it’s actually going to make it much harder for us to connect. If we hurt someone and we see that they are hurt and we don’t feel anything about that at all, you can see how that would cause real problems in relationships and certainly does. So this type of guilt can be adaptive for everyone. When it becomes maladaptive, though, is when it’s not based on a particular situation or circumstance. Instead of, “Okay, I’ve made this error. I want to try and make up for it,” we are saying, “I just feel constantly like the things that I’m doing are not as good as they should be. I’m not doing enough. I’m falling behind. I’ve let people down. I’m letting myself down.” I’ve found, within my clinical practice and certainly even in my personal life, (and in my own experience), that women are more likely to feel this sort of constant overwhelming sense of guilt than men. Guilt in these situations does just what it does in adaptive guilt, pushing us to try and do something to make up for it, right? We want to relieve ourselves of this uncomfortable feeling. But what can happen then, what I see happening then in women’s lives, is they take on more and more. They become hyper-competent and begin doing all the tasks, carrying the cognitive load, remembering all the appointments and things we need to pick up and things we need to plan and prepare for. Then, people in our lives are stepping back and saying, “Okay, if you’ve got this, then I guess I won’t need to help or support in that way.” But it’s counterproductive, right? Because the more we add on, we still believe we need to do all of those things perfectly. And then we perpetually feel like we’re falling short. The reason I wanted to write this book about guilt is I really wanted women to know that they are not failing, that falling short of an unreachable ideal is not failure. And what we can learn how to do is shift this intense maladaptive guilt. In the first episode of Guilt Free, for Real, I told you about the Guilt Equation, how we can learn to examine our guilt. Guilt = Our Expectations for Ourselves - Our Perceived RealityWhen I recognize a guilty thought, it’s important to review my expectations. Are they fair? Also, I want to set expectations based on my own values and what I think is reasonable, not some comparison to some idealized version online or even in my own head of what I imagine that I should be doing. Another question I’m often asked is, why do women seem to have so much more guilt than men? It’s such a complicated answer, but I really want to hit on some key points. Number one, women, girls from a very young age are socialized to feel guilty. We are socialized to take care of everyone around us, to be able read their minds, read their emotions and try to protect them from those. We’re taught that to be valuable or loved we need to look a certain way, we need to act a certain way, we need to have self-control. We need to be able to put forth this image of really having it all together. And unfortunately, what this can then lead to is constant guilt. For men, I think it’s a different pressure. Of course men experience guilt. And like I said, it can be adaptive. But I think there are different expectations on men. And among those expectations, there are different emotions that men are socialized to experience and are allowed to experience without anyone kind of looking at them strangely. For men, I don’t think that guilt is one that’s as acceptable. Maybe it’s anger, or frustration. Maybe there are other ways that they cope with not believing they’re meeting the expectations that they set. Importantly, though, they also don’t exist in the same environment where the expectations are that they should be taking care of everyone else in addition to themselves because that’s the natural order. This “natural maternal instinct” or “womanly instinct” tells us that “My needs are put last and I take care of others first.” So I don’t think that it’s fair to say men don’t experience guilt, but I think this constant and intense maladaptive guilt is something that women have been taught to experience throughout our lives. Another reason I think that guilt can become so common in women’s lives is that it does protect us from some other more difficult emotions, such as grief, sadness, anger, fear. I’ll talk more about this in a future episode. But for now, I just want you to keep in mind that through socialization, we’ve been taught to experience guilt. Some guilt can be adaptive in small amounts, in the right situation, but most of what women are experiencing is this feeling of constant guilt demonstrated by words like “always,” “never,” “should.” It’s important to know that this is not something we’re creating in ourselves. In future episodes, we’ll talk more about the specific types of expectations that women seem to face. If you’re interested in learning more about Guilt Free, it’s available broadly (including the ebook and audiobook). My favorite website, bookshop.org, allows you to purchase through independent booksellers in your area. Your local library may also carry it. Thanks for reading A Mind of Her Own! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.🎙️ Some Exciting News!A Mind of Her Own has recently joined the Learn At Pinnacle app, so if you work in health care, you can receive FREE CE credit just for listening!(This includes Category 1 AMA CME credit and many others.)Download the free app at the link above or at: https://learnatpinnacle.com/educationConnect with your host, Jennifer Reid, MDDr. Jennifer Reid is a physician, the host of A Mind of Her Own, and the author of Guilt Free: Reclaiming Your Life from Unreasonable Expectations — available at major retailers.🌐 Website: jenniferreidmd.com Instagram: @JenReidMD Threads: Jennifer Reid, MDFeeling inspired by this conversation? Start your own Guilt-Free Group at jenniferreidmd.com/guilt-free-groups or download a book club guide at jenniferreidmd.com/book-clubs.Thanks for checking out A Mind of Her Own! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.If you enjoyed this episode, please follow A Mind of Her Own and leave a rating or review on Apple Podcasts — it makes a huge difference in helping other people find the show! 🎙️Seeking a mental health provider? Try Psychology TodayNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255Dial 988 for mental health crisis supportSAMHSA’s National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357)-a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for indi… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit amindofherown.substack.com

Hello! I’m Jennifer Reid, a psychiatrist, educator, podcast host and author. (jenniferreidmd.com)Welcome to my A Mind of Her Own podcast series, Guilt Free, For Real.You may not realize just how often guilt shows up in your life, but once you see it, you’ll never forget.Subscribe to hear future episodes walking you through my book Guilt Free. Why Did I Write This Book?As a psychiatrist, I was hearing from so many women in my practice, my personal life, (my mirror,) this feeling of “I’m doing so much. I keep taking on more and more and it just does not feel like enough.” Is this something you’ve ever experienced? I find that when I ask women in these situations, “What is it you think you’ve done wrong?” The answer might be, “Nothing?” or, “Everything?” I started to realize that this was actually guilt. That women were feeling like, “No matter what I’m doing, I’m not getting it right. I’m missing something. I’m doing it the wrong way. I’m falling behind.” During the COVID pandemic, I was home seeing patients in my private practice. My kids were knocking on the door frequently for things like cookies or snacks or questions. I just felt like I wasn’t doing anything well. I probably wasn’t exercising the way I was supposed to. I certainly wasn’t learning how to make sourdough or any of these other sort of performative actions that people were taking. And I found that so many women I was trying to care for were feeling the same way. When I really tried to break it down into the most simple terms possible, I came up with something called The Guilt Equation. The Guilt Equation is just a way for you to take that guilty thought and examine it to understand, “Where is it coming from? Why am I feeling this way all the time?” This is the equation: Guilt equals our expectations of ourselves in a particular role minus our perceived reality. Perceived reality in this case means what are we noticing? What do we believe to be true? If we believe to be true, “I’m not doing anything well. I’m the worst at everything. I’m a terrible mom. I’m not a great sister. I’m not doing a good job at work. I’m not ambitious enough. I’m too ambitious,” then this becomes our reality. When it comes to guilt, then, it lives in the difference between our expectations of ourselves and how well we believe we’re measuring up. The important thing here though is these expectations are not those that we’ve just created out of thin air. These are items that we have been taught throughout our lives to carry. Expectations of the different ways that we are supposed to show up as women in our lives. Not only are we taught this, but it’s reinforced in our interactions with people in the world around us. These expectations can grow so sky high that we feel like we’re never measuring up. And when we see that not reaching perfection as some kind of failure, we can feel like we’re constantly failing. This is what I hear from women, the sense of constantly failing or falling behind or not getting things right. My goal in writing the book was to help them understand that this is guilt. It’s not that we’re ever going to eliminate guilt entirely from our lives. In fact, some guilt is adaptive. It may be one of the key reasons that we as a society have lasted and thrived the way we have. Because when we feel guilty, we’re saying to ourselves, “I’ve done something wrong. I’ve made a mistake. I need to make a repair.” It causes us to move toward someone else, to maybe apologize, to try and do something better. But yet, this isn’t always the case in our modern life. We may not feel guilty for a specific reason. We may feel guilty about everything. Therefore, it’s not something that we can apologize for, repair, and move on. It’s not specific. It’s not something we can truly address. It’s everywhere. It’s constant. I think this is so important for us to realize. That this is not because we are getting something wrong. This is because we’re perpetually trying to live up to and reach these sky-high expectations that others are holding for us and that we’ve absorbed as the only way to be. As if the only way to be loved and valuable is to take care of everyone around us, and the only way to be of interest to someone else romantically is to have a perfect body, to be the perfect sexual being, to be the perfect partner. The importance of understanding that this is guilt then allows us to address it, to recognize these expectations are not fair, they’re not reachable, and we have the power to create our own expectations based on who we are and who we want to be. What are our values? What is it that we want to do to show up in that particular role, and then do it to the best of our abilities. (But not with this idea that we could somehow reach perfection.) This was important for me to share so that women know that this is guilt. In fact, many I’ve spoken to since releasing the book have said, “I didn’t think I had much guilt because I didn’t realize that’s what this was. I didn’t realize this constant feeling was actually guilt. And now that I know, that is so important because I can start to say, Hey, What do I have to feel guilty about? What are my expectations here? And also notice what am I’m doing well? How am I showing up for myself and for others?” Because when we dismiss that and only pay attention to ways we believe we’re falling short, of course we’re going to feel like we’re constantly failing. Remember, we didn’t do this to ourselves. This is not because we are getting something wrong. But we have ways to push back, to reset those expectations, pay more attention to the things that we’re doing well, and show up differently in our lives, making decisions based on what we want and what we need, what we desire and what brings us joy, and not what we think we should be doing. If you have interest in learning more about how to manage, understand your guilt, look for future episodes of Guilt Free, For Real. You can also check out my book, Guilt Free, available broadly, including an audiobook, which I read, and ebook, and I’d love to hear your feedback. Thanks for reading and listening to A Mind of Her Own! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.Connect with Jennifer Reid, MDDr. Jennifer Reid is a physician, the host of A Mind of Her Own, and the author of Guilt Free: Reclaiming Your Life from Unreasonable Expectations — available at major retailers.🌐 Website: jenniferreidmd.com Instagram: @JenReidMD Threads: Jennifer Reid, MDFeeling inspired by this conversation? Start your own Guilt-Free Group at jenniferreidmd.com/guilt-free-groups.If you enjoyed this episode, please follow A Mind of Her Own and leave a rating or review on Apple Podcasts — it makes a huge difference in helping other people find the show! 🎙️Seeking a mental health provider? Try Psychology TodayNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255Dial 988 for mental health crisis supportSAMHSA’s National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357)-a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.Disclaimer:The views expressed on this podcast reflect those of the host and guests, and are not associated with any organization or academic site. Also, AI may have been used to create the transcript and notes, based only on the specific discussion of the host and guest and reviewed for accuracy.The information and other content provided on this podcast or in any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this website is for general information purposes only.If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit amindofherown.substack.com

Dr. Luyi Kathy Zhang, MD has sat with thousands of people and their families in the final moments of their lives, learning from the choices they’ve made and what often goes unsaid. In this episode, she joins Jennifer Reid, MD to talk about caregiver guilt, the “burden of being a burden,” and why she treats self-care less like an indulgence and more like a clinical skill in her daily work. What makes Dr. Zhang’s perspective so disarming is that she refuses to treat death as a subject that requires hushed tones. She brings the same matter-of-fact warmth to a hospital room at Bellevue as she does to her writing and videos about her experiences working in end-of-life care. She and Dr. Reid also discuss how listeners can start on a path to less guilt and more meaning in their lives today. Her ABCs of Deathbed RegretDr. Zhang shares the framework she returns to again and again at the bedsides of the dying. It’s not a list of regrets about money or career, but 3 quieter, more human wishes so many people have spoken about in their final days.Authenticity. “I wish I had been more true to myself.” The regret of having lived as who was expected, rather than who they actually were.Bravery. “I wish I had the courage to pursue my dreams.” The risk that felt too frightening to take, looked back on as the one that mattered most.Connection. “I wish I had kept in touch.” The relationship left untended, or never repaired.As Dr. Zhang puts it, her hope isn’t that we wait for a deathbed to feel the pull of one of these, but that we notice which one lands hardest right now, and treat that as the signal worth acting on.About Dr. Luyi Kathy ZhangDr. Luyi Kathy Zhang is a hospice and palliative care physician, certified coach and hypnotist, author, and TEDx speaker. She is an assistant professor at NYU School of Medicine and directs the End of Life Serenity Unit at Bellevue, the nation’s oldest public hospital. Having sat with thousands of dying patients and heard their deepest secrets, biggest regrets, and final wishes, Kathy now shares that deathbed wisdom through her writing, speaking, and content, on a mission to help the rest of us start living the life we truly want, long before we reach the end of it.Dr. Zhang’s Website: https://luyikathyzhang.com/Her TEDx talk!On Instagram as Dr. Luyi Kathy Zhang https://www.instagram.com/dr.luyikathyzhang🎙️ Some Exciting News!A Mind of Her Own has recently joined the Learn At Pinnacle app, so if you work in health care, you can receive FREE CE credit just for listening!(This includes Category 1 AMA CME credit and many others.)Download the free app at the link above or at: https://learnatpinnacle.com/educationConnect with your host, Jennifer Reid, MDDr. Jennifer Reid is a physician, the host of A Mind of Her Own, and the author of Guilt Free: Reclaiming Your Life from Unreasonable Expectations — available at major retailers.🌐 Website: jenniferreidmd.com Instagram: @JenReidMD Threads: Jennifer Reid, MDFeeling inspired by this conversation? Start your own Guilt-Free Group at jenniferreidmd.com/guilt-free-groups or download a book club guide at jenniferreidmd.com/book-clubs.Thanks for checking out A Mind of Her Own! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.If you enjoyed this episode, please follow A Mind of Her Own and leave a rating or review on Apple Podcasts — it makes a huge difference in helping other people find the show! 🎙️Seeking a mental health provider? Try Psychology TodayNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255Dial 988 for mental health crisis supportSAMHSA’s National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357)-a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.Disclaimer:The views expressed on this podcast reflect those of the host and guests, and are not associated with any organization or academic site. Also, AI may have been used to create the transcript and notes, based only on the specific discussion of the host and guest and reviewed for accuracy.The information and other content provided on this podcast or in any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this website is for general information purposes only.If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something that have read on this website, blog or in any linked materials. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services (911) immediately. You can also access the National Suicide Help Line at 1-800-273-8255 or call 988 for mental health emergencies. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit amindofherown.substack.com