378 – Don’t Panic

Maybe Celebrimbor just has poor penmanship; and maybe Alan still can’t pronounce things correctly. Join The Man of the West and The Sage of the South as we urge you to take the advice provided in the episode title when we dive into Appendix E to The Lord of the Rings on Writing and Spelling… but we know you’re here for the pronunciation humiliation! Fëanor stands on the shoulders of the giant Rumil, Tolkien retcons the Dwarvish ‘outer names’, and everything’s absurd to the Elves. We try to rhyme ‘were’ with ‘hair’, get stressed about stress, and are just extending the fricative, man. Also, James sings a Sesame Street song. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The Númenóreans altered the calendar of the Elves; Alan & James never could get the hang of Thursdays. Join The Man of the West and The Sage of the South as we practice only the best kind of pedantry in our exploration of Appendix D on the various intricate calendar systems in Middle-earth. The Elves are obsessed with sixes and twelves, the Númenóreans have to fix a millennial deficit — which has nothing to do with spending too much on Starbucks — and the Hobbits always do their own thing. We wonder if days not belonging to a month feel lonely, agree that 30-day months are best, and discover that pigs fly on Friday the First of Summerfilth. Also, James’ new nickname is optimistic. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Grab a drink at the bar and step into the Common Room — it’s time to join The Man of the West and The Sage of the South as we answer listener questions again in our 31st quarterly Questions After Nightfall. From questions about Saruman, Ring-maker to the Dagor Dagorath; from the Forsaken Inn to awkward conversations in the Halls of Mandos, our listeners bring their best questions — and their worst puns. Alan is a middle-aged softy, James thinks Istarí arrive in meteors, and we’re glad Tolkien’s funny, ‘cause we’re not so sure about us. Also, Maiar as Project Managers. We're proud to partner with Oscha and their Middle-earth collection, and offer 10% off for new customers with code PONY! https://oschaslings.com/discount/PONY Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

One of the greatest Elven loremasters finally gets his time in the spotlight; and in an ironic twist, James gets some time in the spotlight (or is that ‘under the bus’?). Join The Man of the West and The Sage of the South as Alan hands the reins of the show over to James, who brings us a special episode on Pengoloð the Wise of Gondolin. From the development of the Eldarin languages to an explanation of lembas, if you don’t know one of the greatest loremasters by now, you might never, never, never know him and his contributions to the collective knowledge of Middle-earth. So how and why did he disappear from the published stories? We chat about the Digital Tolkien Project, observe the blurred lines between Tolkien fans and scholars, and agree some subtitles are more like summaries. Also, totally tubular, dude. We're proud to partner with Oscha and their Middle-earth collection, and offer 10% off for new customers with code PONY! https://oschaslings.com/discount/PONY Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Tolkien is forced to shrink the Tale of Years to satisfy his publisher; James is forced to co-host a few episodes of the PPP to satisfy Alan. Join The Man of the West and The Sage of the South as we get to the sooner or later, flying through the history of the Second and Third Ages of Middle-earth in our look at Appendix B to The Lord of the Rings, known as The Tale of Years. Bias creeps in as historians change the Second Age record; Tolkien finds the limitations ‘profoundly uncongenial’; and Celebrimbor’s publicist would like a word. We speculate about hobbit libraries, give another shout out to The Lord of the Rings Online, and get a little choked up. Also, we don’t talk about Pharazôn-o. We're proud to partner with Oscha and their Middle-earth collection, and offer 10% off for new customers with code PONY! https://oschaslings.com/discount/PONY Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Christopher Tolkien explains that “the textual situation… is complex and hard to unravel.” Fortunately, the podcast situation is quite simple. Join The Man of the West and The Shieldmaiden of Rohan as we conclude our time with the Dwarves - and our time with Sara for this season - in an in-depth look at The Quest of Erebor, including bits of the story you’ve not likely read before. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Gimli getting a clue, Thorin’s haughtiness forcing him to take a hobbit, and Balin revealing himself to be the King of Misunderstanding. Alan and Sara reminisce about pre-cloud data storage, wonder if it’s foresight or are we merely crazed, and try to avoid speaking confidently without knowledge. Also, “old grey man” is a reference to Gandalf, not Alan. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Gandalf worries that the dragon Sauron might use with terrible effect; Sara worries that the bad jokes Alan might use with terrible effect. Join The Man of the West and The Shieldmaiden of Rohan as we begin our longer-than-expected look into The Quest of Erebor from Unfinished Tales, as a sidebar to our walk through Appendix A III on Durin’s Folk. Gandalf is overtaken by Thorin on the road to Bree (“Thorin, you’re much too fast!”), underestimates how much damage 20 years can do to an adventurous hobbit, and reluctantly agrees to look after his darling. Alan and Sara discuss Gandalf’s fitness fashion, wish Dwarves would stop bequeathing vengeance, and speculate about Sauron’s new hobbies. Also, I got that reference! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A deep dive into Tolkien’s oldest stories about the Dwarves uncovers all sorts of interesting details, as Alan hands the reins of the PPP to Sara for her expertise on the Dwarves. Join The Man of the West and The Shieldmaiden of Rohan as we explore the origin, awakening, culture, and language of Tolkien’s Dwarves as we take a sidebar into several volumes of The History of Middle-earth. From their early nature as evil creatures, to the fact that they all — women and babies, too — have beards, learn more about the Dwarves than you ever thought you could. Alan and Sara discuss recession-proof industries, dutifully avoid Disney jokes and figure Durin must have asked Aulë: “How could you just leave me standing alone in a world so cold?” Also, Sneezy and Bashful were the hardest. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

They say that Gandalf is wise and knows more than any other of what goes on in the world; they say Alan can sometimes do math. Join The Man of the West and The Shieldmaiden of Rohan as we continue our team in Appendix A III to The Lord of the Rings, on Durin’s Folk. Thorin is too proud to beg, Gandalf begins to worry about Smaug and Sauron becoming BFFs, and Gimli says he don’t care where we go, he don’t care what we do, just take me with U to the Undying Lands. Alan and Sara ask what Sauron would have actually done with the Seven, agree that bequeathing vengeance is not very kind to your descendants, and wonder what might happen if the Dwarves were just nicer to their women. Also, we knew Finrod — you’re no Finrod. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Thráin escapes the Balrog in Moria and establishes Erebor; Sara can’t escape Alan and the PPP quite yet, despite her best efforts. Join The Man of the West and The Shieldmaiden of Rohan as we begin a five-part look at the Dwarves, starting with two episodes on Appendix A III to The Lord of the Rings on Durin’s Folk. Durin the Deathless lived a very long time, but still managed to die - for now; the Balrog drives Durin’s Folk out of Moria — there were people runnin’ everywhere, tryin’ to run from the destruction; and Azog signs his own death certificate: on Thráin’s forehead. Alan and Sara wonder how new baby Durins are recognized, ask if cold drakes have air conditioning, and salute Azog for not using Comic Sans MS. Also, Nar the pirate dwarf from Somerset shows up. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices