Ep. 280 - Why Calm Conversations Aren't Enough

Let us know how you enjoyed this episode!Staying calm in conflict doesn’t mean your conversation is actually working.If you’ve ever walked away from a calm conversation with your partner and thought…“Okay, but nothing actually changed…” — this episode is for you.In today’s episode, we’re talking about the missing skill most couples were never taught: collaborative problem solving.Because the truth is—You can regulate your emotions, say things nicely, and still end up stuck in the same patterns.In this episode, I share:- Why calm conversations don’t automatically lead to resolution- The difference between explaining vs. collaborating- How couples unintentionally argue like they’re in court instead of on the same team- The role of vagueness in creating repeated conflict- How to ask better questions that actually move conversations forward- Why overexplaining keeps you stuck (and what to do instead)- How to use the P.E.A.C.E. Method to turn conflict into connectionYou’ll also hear a real-life example of how misunderstandings happen when couples aren’t clear—and how small shifts in communication can completely change the outcome.If you’re tired of having the same conversations on repeat, this episode will help you start creating real change.If you want help turning your conflicts into productive, connecting conversations:- Download the Conflict to Connection Guide- Book a Clarity Call to get personalized supportThanks for listening!Connect and send a message letting me know what you took away from this episode: @michellepurtacoachingIf you would like to support this show, please rate and review the show, and share it with people you know would love this show too!Ready to put a stop to the arguments in your marriage?  Watch this free masterclass - The #1 Conversation Married Couples Need To Have (But Aren't)Support the show

Let us know how you enjoyed this episode!Your reactions aren’t random — they’re regulated (or dysregulated).If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Why did I react like that?” — this episode is for you.In this episode, I am joined by Personal Growth Coach and Breathwork Facilitator, Ashlee Livingstone to break down what nervous system regulation actually is and why it’s the foundation for healthy communication, emotional control, and connection in your marriage.Because here’s the truth:Most relationship conflict isn’t about the words being said — it’s about the state your nervous system is in when you say them.In this episode, you’ll learn:- What your nervous system actually is (in simple terms)- The difference between being regulated vs. dysregulated- Why so many moms are stuck in survival mode- How dysregulation fuels arguments, defensiveness, and emotional shutdown- The fastest way to calm your body in the middle of conflict- Why “just be calm” doesn’t work (and what does instead)- How breathwork helps you reset your reactions in real time- What it looks like to take responsibility for your emotional patterns without blaming yourselfYou’ll also hear real-life examples of how stress, parenting, and daily pressure impact your reactions — and how to start shifting those patterns in a practical way.If you want to stop escalating arguments, feel more in control of your emotions, and create calmer, more productive conversations in your marriage… this episode will show you where to start.If you loved this episode, check out Ep. 90 to learn more from Ashlee!Connect with Ashlee:www.ashleelivingstone.comIG: @ashlee.livingstoneIf you'd like to explore working with Ashlee 1:1, she is offering a special discount to my listeners! Schedule your session here!Thanks for listening!Connect and send a message letting me know what you took away from this episode: @michellepurtacoachingIf you would like to support this show, please rate and review the show, and share it with people you know would love this show too!Ready to put a stop to the arguments in your marriage?  Watch this free masterclass - The #1 Conversation Married Couples Need To Have (But Aren't)Support the show

Let us know how you enjoyed this episode!Most arguments don’t spiral because of the original issue. They spiral because couples start reacting to each other instead of understanding each other.One partner gets upset.The other partner reacts to their partner being upset.Suddenly both people are defending themselves instead of solving the problem.What started as frustration turns into a much bigger fight because neither person feels heard.This dynamic is one of the most common conflict loops couples experience.In this episode, I explain why this happens and how couples can shift out of the pattern so conflict becomes productive instead of destructive.You’ll learn how emotional attunement helps partners respond with curiosity and compassion instead of defensiveness, and why regulating the emotional moment first is the key to having better conversations.If you’ve ever felt like your arguments spiral out of control or that small issues turn into big fights, this episode will help you understand what’s really happening beneath the surface.Want to learn how to do this in your marriage? Book a clarity call to gain the tools so that you can end the conflict pattern present in your marriage so you can start enjoying your relationship again!Thanks for listening!Connect and send a message letting me know what you took away from this episode: @michellepurtacoachingIf you would like to support this show, please rate and review the show, and share it with people you know would love this show too!Support the show

Let us know how you enjoyed this episode!Most kids don’t ignore their parents because they’re disrespectful. They ignore them because their brain isn’t developmentally ready to respond yet.If you’ve ever found yourself repeating the same instruction five times before your child finally listens, you’re not alone.Many parents fall into a frustrating cycle:You ask nicely.Your child ignores you.You repeat yourself.You get frustrated.Eventually you yell.And suddenly everyone in the house feels upset.In this episode, I am joined by parenting coach Becky Jennings of Responseable Parenting to unpack what’s actually happening when kids don’t listen.The truth is that many children simply don’t have the neurological development or emotional regulation skills to transition immediately when asked. Their brains are still learning how to shift attention, manage frustration, and respond to direction.When parents understand the nervous system dynamics behind behavior, they can stop taking these moments personally and start responding in ways that actually work.This conversation is especially helpful for parents raising strong-willed or neurodivergent children, where traditional discipline strategies often create more conflict instead of cooperation.In this episode we discuss:• Why kids often cannot respond immediately when asked to do something• The difference between disrespect and nervous system overwhelm• How motivation, play, and curiosity help children transition between activities• How parents can regulate their own nervous system before responding• Why connection leads to more cooperation than control• How to balance emotional awareness without becoming permissiveConnect with Becky:Instagram: @responsableparentingPodcast: ResponseABLE ParentingThanks for listening!Connect and send a message letting me know what you took away from this episode: @michellepurtacoachingIf you would like to support this show, please rate and review the show, and share it with people you know would love this show too!Ready to put a stop to the arguments in your marriage?  Watch this free masterclass - The #1 Conversation Married Couples Need To Have (But Aren't)Support the show

Let us know how you enjoyed this episode!Have you felt more and more disconnected from your partner after having kids? Most couples don’t stop loving each other after kids. They just stop prioritizing their marriage and that's what causes the disconnect.After kids enter the picture, life gets full fast. Between school schedules, activities, work responsibilities, chores, and bedtime routines, it can feel like there’s barely enough time to breathe, let alone nurture your relationship.So couples adapt. They become efficient. They divide responsibilities. They manage the household.And somewhere along the way, the marriage quietly shifts from romantic partnership to operational partnership.That’s when many couples begin to feel like roommates.In this episode, I explain why this shift happens and how couples can intentionally rebuild connection even in the middle of busy family life.You’ll learn why waiting for the “perfect time” to reconnect rarely works, how small daily moments can rebuild closeness, and why prioritizing your marriage actually strengthens the entire family system.If you’ve been feeling distant from your spouse but still want a strong partnership and connected marriage, this episode will help you rethink how connection fits into your everyday life.What You’ll Learn in This EpisodeWhy couples often feel like roommates after kidsHow busy family life quietly pushes marriage to the bottom of the priority listWhy connection disappears even when love is still thereHow micro-connections rebuild intimacy over timeSimple ways to reconnect even without childcareWhy prioritizing your marriage benefits your kids tooIf you don’t intentionally structure your life around your marriage, life will slowly structure you out of it. Think it's more than just taking the time to connect? Book a clarity call to start receiving support to identify what’s really happening and what skills and changes are needed to restore the connection in your marriage!Thanks for listening!Connect and send a message letting me know what you took away from this episode: @michellepurtacoachingIf you would like to support this show, please rate and review the show, and share it with people you know would love this show too!Support the show

Let us know how you enjoyed this episode!Have you ever reacted to your kids in a way that brought on feelings of guilt and shame? Looking back, have you ever felt surprised by how strongly you reacted when you lost your cool or struggled to stay calm when the kids aren't listening?Parenting triggers aren’t random. They’re rooted in your past.I am joined by Psychodynamic Coach Lavinia Brown to talk about inner child healing and how it directly impacts the way you parent.In this episode, you’ll learn:- What “inner child” really means (in simple, practical terms)- Why parenting activates unresolved childhood wounds- How triggers reveal unhealed attachment trauma- What re-parenting actually looks like- Why nervous system regulation and inner child healing go hand-in-hand- The difference between normal frustration and disproportionate reactivityConnect with Lavinia:Becoming Untriggered PodcastInstagram: @the.innerchild.healing.expertYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtFSVu5DC5O2-f25L0U8rAw Facebook: @the.innerchild.healing.expertThanks for listening!Connect and send a message letting me know what you took away from this episode: @michellepurtacoachingIf you would like to support this show, please rate and review the show, and share it with people you know would love this show too!Ready to put a stop to the arguments in your marriage?  Watch this free masterclass - The #1 Conversation Married Couples Need To Have (But Aren't)Support the show

Let us know how you enjoyed this episode!Emotional maturity is the difference between repeating patterns and transforming your marriage into a relationship that gets better and better.In this episode of The Marriage & Motherhood Podcast, I break down what emotional maturity actually looks like in a marriage— and what often gets mistakened for maturity.This episode will help you understand:- What emotional maturity really means in marriage- Why projection feels relieving in the moment- The difference between intention vs. impact- Why conflict is inevitable but arguing is optional- How to pause, regulate, and collaborate instead of accuseIf you’re ready to stop the blame cycle and build emotional safety in your relationship, this is a must listen.If you're ready for personalized support to help your marriage get back on track with healthy communication, book your clarity call here!Thanks for listening!Connect and send a message letting me know what you took away from this episode: @michellepurtacoachingIf you would like to support this show, please rate and review the show, and share it with people you know would love this show too!Support the show

Let us know how you enjoyed this episode!Letting your kids be bored isn't a failure on your part. Boredom is actually essential for your kid's development.In this episode of The Marriage & Motherhood Podcast, I am joined by Lizzie Assa, founder of The Workspace for Children and author of But I’m Bored: Discover the Power of Independent Play to Raise Confident, Resilient Kids.We talk about why modern parents feel overstimulated, pressured to entertain, and responsible for optimizing every minute of childhood — and how that may actually be working against our kids.In this episode we dive into:- why boredom is not neglect — it’s neurological growth- the connection between independent play and executive functioning- why college students today struggle with resilience- how to respond when your child says “I’m bored”- what “play pockets” are and how to create them in your home- the difference between connection and entertainment- how to balance downtime and extracurricular activities- why it’s not your job to “find your child’s thing”- how play builds leadership, frustration tolerance, and autonomyConnect with Lizzie:Substack: https://theworkspaceforchildren.substack.com/Website: https://www.workspaceforchildren.com/twfc-blogGrab her book here!Thanks for listening!Connect and send a message letting me know what you took away from this episode: @michellepurtacoachingIf you would like to support this show, please rate and review the show, and share it with people you know would love this show too!Ready to put a stop to the arguments in your marriage?  Watch this free masterclass - The #1 Conversation Married Couples Need To Have (But Aren't)Support the show

Let us know how you enjoyed this episode!One person wanting to talk and the other shutting down doesn’t mean one of you cares more. It means your nervous systems cope differently.If you feel like you’re always the one trying to talk things through — or you’re the one who shuts down and gets overwhelmed — this episode will help you understand what’s actually happening beneath the surface.In this episode, I break down:- The pursue–withdraw dynamic in marriage- Why shutting down is about protection, not avoidance- How to stop taking withdrawal personally- What “consensual conversations” are and why they change everything- How to use pacing to prevent arguments- The Japanese concept of ma and how intentional pauses improve communication- How to set conversations up for success instead of forcing resolutionIf you're ready for personalized support to help your marriage get back on track with healthy communication, book your clarity call here!Thanks for listening!Connect and send a message letting me know what you took away from this episode: @michellepurtacoachingIf you would like to support this show, please rate and review the show, and share it with people you know would love this show too!Support the show

Let us know how you enjoyed this episode!Growing up with immigrant parents shapes how we love, communicate, and show up in marriage.In this powerful conversation, I am joined by Dr. Stacey Litam, licensed professional clinical counselor and author of Patterns That Remain: A Guide to Healing for Asian Children of Immigrants, to explore:- How transactional love patterns form in immigrant households- Why achievement often becomes tied to worth- The impact of collectivistic vs. individualistic culture on marriage- Why affection can feel uncomfortable — and how to navigate that- Modeling healthy self-care for your children- Healing “in-between” identity strugglesConnect with Dr. Stacey:Website: www.staceylitam.comIG: @drstaceyalitamLinkedIn: @Stacey Diane A. LitamGrab her book here!Thanks for listening!Connect and send a message letting me know what you took away from this episode: @michellepurtacoachingIf you would like to support this show, please rate and review the show, and share it with people you know would love this show too!Ready to put a stop to the arguments in your marriage?  Watch this free masterclass - The #1 Conversation Married Couples Need To Have (But Aren't)Support the show