Setting Boundaries Without Power Struggles

When a toddler plays favorites, it stings. One parent writes: "It feels as if I'm being rejected when I'm the one who's with her all day, putting so much energy into her care. It make me feel that I'm insufficient as a parent." Janet unpacks the surprising reasons behind parent preference —and the mindset that makes it stop. Janet's "No Bad Kids Master Course" is available at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠NoBadKidsCourse.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠JanetLansbury.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Please support our sponsors! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

A mother writes that she's been struggling with her 5-year-old daughter lately, who's been "provoking and testing boundaries on a new level." She has been especially harsh on her two-year old sibling, but when this mom and her partner step in, it inevitably leads to confrontation, tears, and hurtful words. Janet suggests an empathic approach—understanding the "why" behind this behavior -- and explains when, why, and how her approach to setting effective limits works. Janet's "No Bad Kids Master Course" is available at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠NoBadKidsCourse.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠JanetLansbury.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Please support our sponsors! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

A parent describes her 4-year-old daughter as smart, funny, incredibly strong-willed, but sometimes “downright mean.” While she appreciates her child’s spirit and doesn’t want to stifle that, when she says mean things to her she doesn’t feel it’s enough to simply acknowledge her daughter’s emotions and let slide her hurtful words and behavior. “I need her to find a better way to express that she is angry with me,” she writes. In this encore episode, Janet offers a perspective on the situation that she believes will help this mom better understand her daughter’s unconscious motives and intent, and ultimately ameliorate the behavior. Janet's "No Bad Kids Master Course" is available at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠NoBadKidsCourse.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠JanetLansbury.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Please support our sponsors! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Janet offers her advice for handling typical playground behaviors in preschool-aged children, such as physical aggression, bossiness, and shyness. Whether our child is exhibiting these behaviors or they're on the receiving end of another child's dysregulation, in this encore episode Janet shares how helping children to feel understood, protected, and supported encourages the most positive learning process. Janet's "No Bad Kids Master Course" is available at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠NoBadKidsCourse.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠JanetLansbury.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Please support our sponsors! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When a toddler throws his fork, tips over his bowl, and falls apart over the wrong-sized watermelon pieces — what is really going on? In this episode, Janet responds to a mom of a two-and-a-half-year-old with a new baby just weeks away who describes her son's throwing, hitting, and increasingly impossible-to-please demands. She writes, "This completely breaks my heart and really stresses me out."  Janet shares the one simple but counterintuitive shift that can change almost everything. Janet's "No Bad Kids Master Course" is available at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠NoBadKidsCourse.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠JanetLansbury.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Please support our sponsors! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

A parent describes the power struggles he and his partner go through with their daughter to get her to brush her teeth. The process has deteriorated into a wrestling match. While on the one hand, the parents feel it's their responsibility to make sure their toddler's teeth get brushed. On the other, they sense that they are damaging their relationship, perhaps permanently. This dad writes: "Part of me thinks a calm, confident leader just gets it done, but getting it done currently means two adults restraining a screaming, fighting child."  Janet offers a different perspective on toothbrushing and other daily routines that emphasize cooperation over control.  Janet's "No Bad Kids Master Course" is available at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠NoBadKidsCourse.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠JanetLansbury.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Please support our sponsors! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In a previous 'Unruffled' episode, a parent reached out to Janet with concerns about her then 8-month-old son's play . "If I leave the room, he stands at the gate and screams and cries, even if he can see me and we are chatting." She wondered, "Should I work on doing some exposure therapy, so to speak, leaving the room for short periods of time.. ?" Janet suggested a more organic, relationship-centered approach, and then had a back and forth with this mom. Now, nearly two years later, the mom has written back with an update describing her learning curve and her process.   Janet's "No Bad Kids Master Course" is available at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠NoBadKidsCourse.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠JanetLansbury.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Please support our sponsors! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You may have heard Janet, other parents, or early childhood professionals speak about "RIE" (pronounced "rye"). Perhaps they described "RIE" as profound and life changing.  Or maybe they outright panned it. They may have brought up elements that sounded odd or controversial or even ridiculous. You wondered what this was really all about. In this episode  you'll hear RIE Executive Director Melani Ladygo and Janet respond thoroughly and passionately to the questions: What is RIE, and how does it help us as parents? Find out more about RIE at: RIE.org Janet's "No Bad Kids Master Course" is available at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠NoBadKidsCourse.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠JanetLansbury.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Please support our sponsors! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

A parent writes that she's become uncomfortable with the language she's using when setting limits with her daughter. She's using a lot of "if/then" ultimatums and doesn't like the suggestion of a threat. "I was an elementary school teacher for years before having children and am realizing I'm still recovering from all the behaviorism my teacher training instilled in me." She asks Janet "if there's another way you would suggest going about this." Janet recommends a simple adjustment this parent can make that's actually the key to her respectful parenting approach.  Janet's "No Bad Kids Master Course" is available at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠NoBadKidsCourse.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠JanetLansbury.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Please support our sponsors! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

A parent feels devastated by recent behavior her 5-year-old daughter has picked up from her peers. She has tried speaking calmly to her about the issue, but this hasn't helped.  Janet offers what she hopes is a beneficial perspective that may help ameliorate her daughter's behavior. Janet's "No Bad Kids Master Course" is available at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠NoBadKidsCourse.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠JanetLansbury.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Please support our sponsors! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices