The Self Control Illusion

Do you crave real, deep friendship in your life? Do you want to have men around you whom you can trust, who've got your back, who help you grow and challenge you to keep going? In other words: do you want high quality friends?Let's talk about exactly what it takes to make this happens. In this video, you'll discover why building this kind of friendship requires leadership. And why the world needs men like you to step up into greater social leadership.You'll see what's been going wrong in the world that leads to such loneliness and disconnection as we're experiencing now and we'll go into the practical steps and tools you can use to change your own social life and the social lives of everyone you touch. By the end, you'll know exactly how to change your social life and you'll understand how this topic relates to the deeply masculine qualities of taking leadership and responsibility.Chapters: 00:00 Intro00:54 I had to learn this from scratch01:45 Relational Leadership03:05 Overstimulated & Addicted04:21 Get clear about what you want05:43 Apply the Filter07:58 Where to Find the Right People08:38 Be Proactive09:06 The Texting Rule10:11 Create the Perfect Meetup11:40 Activation Energy14:10 A Matter of Practice17:35 Cultivating Deep Connection19:23 The World Needs You More than You KnowRelated videos:- Honesty & Courage: https://youtu.be/Tv10XZXwMy4- Communication skills every man needs: https://youtu.be/u4kOqFU7oj0- Communication skills, part 2: https://youtu.be/ijVGplE45gIAlso, check out this article I co-authored about how I quickly gather awesome people around me when I arrive in a new place: https://thisistbh.substack.com/p/more-friends-wont-make-you-less-lonely

Get the QuitByHealing Program: https://quitbyhealing.com/program/Join the newsletter: https://quitbyhealing.com/newsletter/There's a lot of talk about semen retention in the men's advice and nofap worlds. Unfortunately, almost everything people are saying about this is plain wrong. Really just entirely missing the point and probably doing more harm than good.If you're going to do this, do it right and avoid the pitfalls and mistakes that I explain in this video. Here, you'll learn about the Taoist and Yogic roots of the idea of semen retention, why there are stories of people gaining superpowers from not nutting for a while and what you should and shouldn't do if this is a path of spiritual development you want to take.Chapters:00:00 We need to talk about this...00:41 A quick disclaimer02:01 What semen retention is NOT about03:42 What semen retention IS about04:50 "Moving Energy"05:58 Okay, but how?07:56 The Real Thing vs. The Side Effect09:43 Why it does more harm than good11:19 Don't Abstain(?)12:27 Mistake Number 114:57 Mistake Number 216:17 What it SHOULD Feel Like18:33 Do this instead19:39 My personal experience20:32 Get out of the Struggle Cycle23:26 The World Needs Good MenRelated videos: - Why it's harmful to expect benefits/superpowers on a specific timeline: https://youtu.be/bIdb60GrI18- Don't get stuck in your masculine development: https://youtu.be/nLsEGUF3JUg- How to develop a healthy masculine communication style: https://youtu.be/u4kOqFU7oj0

Join the newsletter: https://quitbyhealing.com/newsletter/ Get my Introspective Writing Course: https://shanemelaugh.com/iw/ How do you build self respect? The only good answer to that question is: become a man you respect. Change your behavior so that it is in line with your values. But how exactly do you do that? Unfortunately, most guys do this wrong. Especially young, ambitious men tend to fall into the "trap of perfection". That's why I've come up with a simple tool you can use to build your habits and build self respect much more effectively. Use this approach to outperform all the average guys around you (who are constantly aiming for perfection and always falling short). 00:00 Simple But Powerful Question 01:20 How You're Doing it Wrong 02:26 The 3 Questions 02:59 Example 1: Gym 05:21 Example 2: Dating 08:14 Example 3: Relationship 10:25 How You Will Outperform 12:10 The Exception: When to Aim for Mastery 13:30 How Generalists Win 14:52 Try this Challenge

Join the QuitByHealing newsletter: https://quitbyhealing.com/newsletter/ What do you do when you are struggling with addictive urges? How can you stop yourself from compulsively doing things you later regret and falling back into bad habits? The most effective tools I've found to deal with these issues are the 2 awareness tools I'm presenting in this video. I call them Spotlight Awareness and Embodiment. Chapters: 00:00 Intro 00:49 When your bad habit have the most power over you 01:26 Tool 1 - Spotlight Awareness 02:11 Checking in with Thoughts and Emotions 03:09 Keep following the thread 04:23 Underlying emotions leading to addictive behavior 06:03 Arriving at resolution 06:48 Turn it into a new habit 07:20 Tool 2 - Embodiment 07:50 How it Works 08:30 What to do if embodiment feels difficult to access 09:06 Focus on what is most noticeable 10:13 Learning to drop from your mind to your body 11:42 Rest your awareness with sensations 12:28 Why resistance doesn't work 14:30 How to combine these tools 15:37 Practicing awareness 15:58 Use these tools to make real progress 17:22 Conclusion

Join my newsletter: https://quitbyhealing.com/newsletter/ The better your self control, the more successful you'll be. It's people who are good at delaying gratification that end up more successful, happier, better off and wealthier, compared to people who have low self control and act impulsively. Common sense, right? Well, it turns out that almost everything you've ever been told about self control is actually a misunderstanding. Many studies have shown that people with "high self control" do indeed end up healthier, happier and better off... but when you look closer, "self control" is actually a mis-labeling. What from the outside might look like self control is actually a combination of completely different characteristics. What's worse, if you want to join this group of successful individuals, trying to exert more self control is actually making things worse, not better. So let's dig into it and see how this applies to building habits, breaking bad habits and addictions and being smart about improving your life. Chapters: 00:00 It all started with a marshmallow 02:20 False Conclusions 03:17 Delayed Gratification = Success? 04:59 "Self Control" is the wrong label 07:29 Trait vs. State 09:40 Self Control is for Losers 11:21 Key to Success 1 14:26 Key to Success 2 17:56 Key to Success 3 21:40 Summary 22:51 Believe Your Own Experience Sources: - https://docs.iza.org/dp14920.pdf - https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/39096668/ Footage from: - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8M7Xzjy_m8 - https://youtu.be/4L-n8Z7G0ic

Join the QuitByHealing newsletter: https://quitbyhealing.com/newsletter/ Men nowadays grow up without anyone teaching us how to become real men. We stay stuck in boyhood for far too long and it's a painful experience! But if you feel lost and confused like many do, it's not your fault. For some reason, you were not given the guidance and life skills that you deserved! In today's podcast episode, I have a conversation with a friend of mine who had exactly this problem in his life - and then solved it in a very short amount of time. Darriall is someone I've personally known as he rapidly went through the stages of development for healthy masculinity (https://youtu.be/nLsEGUF3JUg). You can find Darriall here: https://www.instagram.com/dmjport/ https://www.threads.net/@dmjport https://www.linkedin.com/in/darriall In this episode: 00:00 The guidance we aren't getting 01:18 A real life example of breaking free 03:26 Literally leaving the comfort zone 07:41 Fake adversity doesn't work 09:05 What if you can't afford to leave? 14:44 Going Ghost Mode (the wrong way) 19:39 Why you should have a 💩 job 24:18 Get yourself unhooked (or you'll never succeed) 25:42 Why the 🤬 did no one tell you this?! 33:27 The advice you need to hear (not what you WANT to hear) 35:26 Don't get stuck in the trap 37:34 It's still your comfort zone (even if you hate it here) 42:34 Building mental fortitude 44:35 How to meet billionaires 50:04 Do it like a rapper 52:02 Conclusion

Join the QuitByHealing newsletter: https://quitbyhealing.com/newsletter/ The goal is not just to quit porn, it's to become completely uninterested in porn. And yes, that is possible, no matter how severely addicted you are right now. Today, we look at a story that explains this. It can be hard to imagine that you'd literally become 100% addiction free, for most people. But once you understand the "alternate reality" that I explain in this video, you'll have a new perspective. This story will show you the true roots of addiction and the mental health issues that are closely tied to it. And it also shows you the way out. This is about how to become the man who is completely uninterested in porn and other addictive stuff. Quit porn addiction in just 21 days: https://quitbyhealing.com/program/ In this episode: 00:00 Intro 00:44 Coping Early On 01:45 Managing vs. Healing 02:06 Once an Addict Always an Addict? 02:52 What Causes Addiction 04:05 An Alternative Scenario 04:33 Early Experiences 05:41 Why We Have Dysfunctional Families 06:33 Negative vs. Positive Imprint 07:58 A Healthy Exploration 09:54 The Unhealthy Reality 11:11 Boys and Girls 13:19 Our Culture Creates Addicts 14:44 Become Immune to Addiction 16:48 The Man Who is Uninterested 17:01 This is Not Just About You 18:05 What to Do Next

Get my free Introspective Writing crash course: https://quitbyhealing.com/newsletter/ Could it be that using pornography while in a relationship is actually WORSE than cheating? That sounds like a crazy claim, but there are at least 2 ways in which it is indeed worse. We live in a world where it is normalized to watch porn. Even in a relationship, many people wouldn't be surprised that one partner (or both) still watch porn in secret. It's easy to dismiss this and assume it's harmless. Maybe even a good way to balance out mismatched libidos between the partners! Unfortunately, this is not the whole truth. And when you look more closely at the long term effects and at the causes underneath, a very different picture reveals itself. 00:00 Could it really be worse than cheating? 00:58 Reason Nr. 1 - Brain Health 01:37 Evolutionary Perspective on Infidelity 02:48 Ethics vs. Health 03:33 Casual Use 05:04 What's better for the relationship? 05:29 The Long Term Harm 06:12 How it all goes wrong 06:29 The "Mismatched Libido" Excuse 07:50 Do women really have lower libido than men? 08:55 Using porn in a "healthy" way? 10:26 What happens when you keep numbing 10:39 Scenario 1 12:07 Putting your life back together 12:43 No longer the man-child 13:41 Scenario 2 14:19 The slow death of a relationship 14:49 Stuck in the same cycle 15:16 Sadly, I speak from experience 16:08 None of this means cheating is good 16:24 The third option 17:23 Make the honest choice 18:12 Set a High Standard 20:26 This is Why You Need to Step Up 21:30 How to Do the Honorable Thing Quit porn addiction forever, in just 21 days: https://quitbyhealing.com/program/ Sources: - The Evolution of Desire by David M. Buss - The State of Affairs and Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel - Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan Related videos: - The 5 levels of porn addiction: https://youtu.be/yLnDilkqGQA - How to quit while in a relationship: https://youtu.be/F28Rnel63xY - Fake desires caused by porn consumption: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzPCWITx0GQ

Get the introspective writing course here: https://quitbyhealing.com/newsletter/ Quitting porn is often seen as the solution to many problems, but what if it makes intrusive thoughts worse during recovery? Intrusive thoughts are a withdrawal symptom that can be very frustrating to deal with, when you're quitting a bad habit or addiction. Unlike other withdrawal effects, many people find that intrusive thoughts actually get WORSE, the longer you stay clean. Why does this happen and what can you do to eliminate these unwanted, unwelcome thoughts that pop into your head, once and for all? That's what we're examining in today's video, including a practical case study and the one key insight you need to never have this problem again. If peace of mind has been difficult for you to get after you quit your addiction, this video contains the knowledge you've been missing. Chapters: 00:00 This gets worse instead of better? 01:19 Part of the solution is not skipping 01:44 Why do intrusive thoughts happen? 03:21 Normal part of the recovery process 05:05 The crucial difference 06:40 It’s just how the brain works 09:18 Negative emotions are a strong signal 10:18 Your response to intrusive thoughts 11:37 The “emotional charge” model 12:20 How it all connects 13:03 Solutions, Part 1 14:23 Solutions, Part 2 15:15 Solutions, Part 3 17:45 A case study 18:52 How to never have intrusive thoughts 20:36 A new perspective on intrusive thoughts 21:44 One more thing

Discipline and hard work are the keys to success, right? It's how you accomplish your goals and create the life you envision... at least, that's what we're constantly being told. But while discipline is a useful tool, it's not useful in every situation. And when it comes to achieving your goals, discipline can actually end up slowing you down rather than getting you there faster. In today's episode, we unpack this unusual idea, so you can know the pitfalls of being overly reliant on discipline and you can detect the opportunities where there is an easier way to get better results. If one of your goals is to overcome p*rn addiction, sign up for my new, free newsletter here, to get access to my best tools and strategies: https://quitbyhealing.com/newsletter/