EP 287: How to scaffold "accepting no"

Does hearing “no” or “not right now” or “stop doing…” seem to bring your child’s back-off watchdog or shut-down possum out? Or even worse??Almost every family I’ve ever worked with has had some sort of struggle with their child tolerating frustration, or disappointment, or not getting what they want. These kids look ‘spoiled,’ and the judgment from others is REAL. But accepting no and tolerating frustration are owl brain skills that can be scaffolded. There’s a pretty lengthy ‘skill stack’ underneath accepting no, and if your child doesn’t have a lot of those skills, then of course they are going to go from 0-60 when they don’t get what they want. In this episode you'll learn:The skills hiding underneath "accepting no" (regulation, relationship, time, and agency- just to get started with) and why spotting the ones your child is missing changes how you respondWhy "not right now" feels like "never" to a dysregulated brain, even for a kid who understands perfectly well what later meansWhy holding the no while your child melts down takes a skill stack of your own, including tolerating other people's judgmentThe Club is open for new members this week! Come join us for the full accepting-no skill stack and for help working out what all of this looks like in YOUR family. Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/acceptingnoThe Club is the only place Robyn works with parents and caregivers- and we are currently welcoming new members! The doors are open until Tuesday October 13th. We know The Club is the club you never wanted to join- but are so grateful you did...and we can't wait to meet you!RobynGobbel.com/TheClub Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

I know how intensely we want a checklist. Do this, this, and this, and the dysregulation will end, and your kid will be OK. This episode is the story of chasing exactly that list (Dr. Sears' Attachment Parenting checklist that I worked to check off one by one) and finding something else entirely in Dan Siegel's Parenting From the Inside Out. He didn’t give a checklist at all, just a way of being. So, I can’t give you a checklist, but this episode is the closest thing I can give you: a stance to hold as your foundation, and three relational moves that cycle on top of it, out of order, again and again.In this episode you will learn:Why attachment (and regulation, and connection) resist a tidy checklist, and what to reach for instead when the flowchart doesn't existThe difference between the stance underneath everything (curiosity, compassion, non-judgment, staying with uncertainty) and the three moves that sit on top of it: noticing me, noticing you, noticing weWhy losing the stance in a hard moment doesn't mean anything failed; actually, noticing you've lost it is itself the stanceResources mentioned in this podcast:Parenting from the Inside Out → drdansiegel.com/book/parentingfromtheinsideoutThe Attachment Parenting Book: A Commonsense Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your BabyRead the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/beingThe Club is the only place Robyn works with parents and caregivers- and we are currently welcoming new members! The doors are open until Tuesday October 13th. We know The Club is the club you never wanted to join- but are so grateful you did...and we can't wait to meet you!RobynGobbel.com/TheClub Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

Sometimes it’s the little moments that overwhelm us more than the big, scary ones. The "whatever" muttered under their breath, the stash of snack wrappers under the bed, or they flatly deny something you're 99% sure they did. Sure, these things are frustrating, and it makes sense you’d have a reaction- but for some reason, you find yourself in zero to fury before you even had a chance to think. It can feel so perplexing. There was no meltdown, no real crisis- why is the reaction oh so big? This episode digs into why…and what those $5-reaction, 50-cent-problem moments are actually pointing to.In this episode, you will learn:Why implicit memory isn't just about never forgetting to ride a bike. It's also somatic, relational, and emotional, impacting the reactions we have to all the things that are happeningHow old beliefs (mental models) don't just interpret what's happening; they actually predict it and sometimes even help create itA closer look at the specific mental models - some from parenting, some from being parented - that might be connected to some of your biggest reactionsCurious which of these beliefs might be yours? Chapter 10 of the new Guided Journal walks through the Discovering Our Fears process, with a companion worksheet available as a free download. And if you’re a Club member, you don’t need to go searching for the free download- it’s stored in the Club resource library!Resources mentioned in this podcast:Why Sticky Behaviors Stay Stuck (Part 1 of 3) {EP 268} → RobynGobbel.com/stickybehaviors1Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/parentingtriggersThe Club is the only place Robyn works with parents and caregivers- and we are currently welcoming new members! The doors are open until Tuesday October 13th. We know The Club is the club you never wanted to join- but are so grateful you did...and we can't wait to meet you!RobynGobbel.com/TheClub Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

I know you are working so, so, so hard to hold onto your owl brain.Maybe you're at the stage where you don't even notice you've flipped your lid until hours later. Maybe you're at the stage where you can see it happening and still can't stop it. Either way, there's probably an old, familiar voice telling you that you should be further along than you are by now.I was once exactly there, too. Hollering- literally - at my own therapist for the reality that I wasn’t changing faster. I was MAD. I finally finally, finally had to consider believing what she was offering me- that I was exactly where I needed to be in that moment, and I was shifting and changing as fast as I could.I have had the experience on both sides of the couch- the person who was so angry I wasn’t changing faster AND the therapist who believed with my whole being that my client was exactly where they needed to be- even if that truth was extremely painful.I wrote the Guided Journal from that space between.In this episode you will learn:Why hearing "you're exactly where you need to be" from my own therapist once felt more like a threat than comfort What made a therapist's steady presence more powerful than any of the tools she had, even all her training in about five bajillion techniquesWhy the guided journal was crafted with no agenda, no required order, and nowhere you have to arrive by the last pageThe Guided Journal is out today, September 21 — grab it wherever you love to buy books, or catch a signed copy through Schuler Books. Details on tonight's Grand Rapids signing, the Richmond events, and the October 1st online celebration are all at robyngobbel.com.Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/exactlyrightThe Club is the only place Robyn works with parents and caregivers- and we are currently welcoming new members! The doors are open until Tuesday October 13th. We know The Club is the club you never wanted to join- but are so grateful you did...and we can't wait to meet you!RobynGobbel.com/TheClub Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

Almost always when I’m teaching or presenting, a parent is finally brave enough to ask: “What if I'm too burned out to do any of this?” And then at least half the other parents in the room look expectantly at me because they, too, are wondering how they could possibly conjure up enough energy to use playfulness. They aren’t even sure they like their kid enough to offer enough cues of safety.This episode looks at the physiology of burn out, why the strategies you already know feel completely out of reach when you're this depleted, and what's actually possible from here.In this episode, you will learn:Why it takes a lot more than pushing through burnout to shift out of itWhy rest (not more effort) is the first real step toward healingHow teeny tiny drops of safety, not big sweeping changes, are what actually start tipping the scale back toward connectionIf you’re looking for a place to start accumulating cues of safety for yourself, come join us in The Club the next time we are welcoming new members!Resources mentioned in this podcast:Felt Safety (Inside) - Part 1 {EP 161} → RobynGobbel.com/feltsafetyinsideFelt Safety (Outside) - Part 2 {EP 162} → RobynGobbel.com/feltsafetyoutsideFelt Safety (Between) - Part 3 {EP 163} → RobynGobbel.com/feltsafetybetweenRead the full transcript at:RobynGobbel.com/tooburnedoutThe Club is the only place Robyn works with parents and caregivers- and we are currently welcoming new members! The doors are open until Tuesday October 13th. We know The Club is the club you never wanted to join- but are so grateful you did...and we can't wait to meet you!RobynGobbel.com/TheClub Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

You've called every therapist in town and heard the same thing back: not taking new clients. Or you're the one on the other end of that call, staring at a kid whose behavior you can't make sense of, wondering if you're just not cut out for this. I get it. I intimately understand both sides of this struggle. In this episode, you'll learn:Why a dysregulated parent needs the same thing from their practitioner that a child needs from their parentWhat actually changes behavior long-term (hint: unfortunately, it’s not a tool. That would be this easy!)Why this nested process — professional, parent, child — is the core framework that makes the Immersion Program unique. And, what makes it work. Apply for the Immersion Program at RobynGobbel.com/immersionFind a practitioner who is an Immersion Program Graduate at RobynGobbel.com/DirectoryResources mentioned in this podcast:Apply for the Immersion Program → RobynGobbel.com/immersionFind a practitioner who is an Immersion Program Graduate → RobynGobbel.com/DirectoryRead the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/samethingThe Club is the only place Robyn works with parents and caregivers- and we are currently welcoming new members! The doors are open until Tuesday October 13th. We know The Club is the club you never wanted to join- but are so grateful you did...and we can't wait to meet you!RobynGobbel.com/TheClub Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

My guiding north star when I was a therapist working with kids (and grown-ups) was always helping them not just get to know their brain and how it works, but actually to develop a relationship with the parts of themselves that seemed to always be getting into trouble. It's not really just brain facts that are helpful to kids. Teaching them about their brain creates the possibility that they can develop a new relationship with their brain- and that’s where the real magic starts to happen. In this episode you'll learn:Why understanding your kid's brain matters less than helping them build an actual relationship with it — one held by compassion and curiosity instead of judgmentWhat integration of consciousness and state integration mean, and why flexibility between an owl, watchdog, and possum state (or whatever your family calls them) is the real marker of changeWhy modeling this with your own watchdog and possum first gives your kid permission to risk doing the sameI’m teaching a live webinar on how to actually do this with your own kids on September 8 — and if you're already part of The Club, it's included, no extra registration needed.Resources mentioned in this podcast:Online Training! Teach Kids About Their Owl, Watchdog & Possum Brain! → RobynGobbel.com/TeachKidsTheBrainRead the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/relationshiptobrainThe Club is the only place Robyn works with parents and caregivers- and we are currently welcoming new members! The doors are open until Tuesday October 13th. We know The Club is the club you never wanted to join- but are so grateful you did...and we can't wait to meet you!RobynGobbel.com/TheClub Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

You've probably heard "a dysregulated adult can't co-regulate a child" a hundred times. But if you've ever been stuck in a store with a screaming kid — or a classroom with 17 screaming kids — and zero bandwidth left, you know how useless that advice can feel in the moment. This episode is a conversation with Chrissy D'Agostino, co-author of the new Early Years Guidebook from the Regulated Classroom, about what to do when you're with a dysregulated child, and you're dysregulated too. You’ll hear practical ideas that are actually helpful for a stressed and tapped-out grown-up. In this episode, you will learn:Why relying so heavily on your voice and your words all day is quietly wearing down your nervous system The four practices (connectors, activators, settlers, affirmations) that help widen everyone's window of tolerance, at home or in the classroomWhy "meet the moment" is a more useful goal than "manage the outcome" Resources mentioned in this podcast:The Regulated Classroom → Regulated ClassroomRead the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/earlyyearsThe Club is the only place Robyn works with parents and caregivers- and we are currently welcoming new members! The doors are open until Tuesday October 13th. We know The Club is the club you never wanted to join- but are so grateful you did...and we can't wait to meet you!RobynGobbel.com/TheClub Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

You want the flowchart. Of course you do! If X, then Y would be something to follow when there's no bandwidth left to think it through in the moment. But there isn't a flowchart, and this episode gets into why: stress capacity shifts by the hour, different nervous system states pull different memory networks online, and two nervous systems are shaping each other in real time, not just one. What there is instead is a map. Knowing both how to read it and how to adjust when something unexpected happens is crucial. In this episode you'll learn:Why a flowchart for dysregulated behavior is neurobiologically impossibleWhy the strategy that worked yesterday isn't working todayWhy the goal isn't figuring out the exact reason behind a behavior; it's staying curious instead of certainResources mentioned in this podcast:Stealing {EP 138} → RobynGobbel.com/stealingLying, Stealing, Regression & Baby Talk {EP 222} → RobynGobbel.com/babytalkRead the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/flowchartThe Club is the only place Robyn works with parents and caregivers- and we are currently welcoming new members! The doors are open until Tuesday October 13th. We know The Club is the club you never wanted to join- but are so grateful you did...and we can't wait to meet you!RobynGobbel.com/TheClub Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

OT on Tuesday, a speech eval callback on Wednesday, play therapy on Thursday, a school meeting on Friday that's really just another appointment in disguise. When the calendar starts looking like a second job, the question that actually matters isn't a number — it's whether all of it is moving your family toward regulation, connection, and felt safety, or quietly draining it. This episode walks through how to prioritize when everything's been recommended, and nothing fits, when it's genuinely okay to pause the therapy someone called non-negotiable, and why supporting your own nervous system might be the highest-leverage intervention in the whole house.In this episode you'll learn:How to tell whether your family's current appointment load is building felt safety or quietly working against it A framework for prioritizing between recommended therapies when you can't do all of them, including what to weigh beyond which one "sounds" most importantWhy pausing or delaying a therapy you've been told is essential isn't neglectWhy your own support sometimes needs to move to the top of the listResources mentioned in this podcast:The Brain Science Behind Your Child's Biggest Behaviors→ RobynGobbel.com/brainseriesA NeuroDevelopmental Approach {EP 47} → RobynGobbel.com/neurodevelopmentalapproach20 Non-Therapy Therapeutic Interventions → RobynGobbel.com/therapeuticinterventionsRead the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/somanyservicesThe Club is the only place Robyn works with parents and caregivers- and we are currently welcoming new members! The doors are open until Tuesday October 13th. We know The Club is the club you never wanted to join- but are so grateful you did...and we can't wait to meet you!RobynGobbel.com/TheClub Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)