The False Choice Between Ambition and Motherhood with Alexa Starks

The Lindsay Clancy case has brought postpartum psychosis and severe perinatal mental illness into public conversation in a very big way. These conversations matter. We need better recognition of serious maternal mental illness, better treatment, better education for families, and systems that know how to respond when a mother is becoming dangerously unwell.But there is another part of the maternal mental health conversation that I don’t want us to lose.The overwhelming majority of mothers who struggle with anxiety, intrusive thoughts, overwhelm, fear, or emotional distress after having a baby do not develop postpartum psychosis and do not harm their children. And when we focus only on the most catastrophic outcomes, we risk making mothers afraid of experiences that are far more common — and often deeply understandable.In this episode of Motherhood Uncut, I talk about what I’ve learned from more than 20 years of working with mothers across the spectrum of maternal mental health, including something I believe we dramatically underestimate: what motherhood asks of the human nervous system.Motherhood brings us face-to-face with uncertainty. You can’t guarantee your baby will sleep. You won’t always know why they’re crying. You can’t prevent your child from struggling, make them happy all the time, or know with absolute certainty that every parenting decision you make is the right one.For highly capable women who have learned to create safety through preparation, competence, information, prediction, and problem-solving, that uncertainty can be incredibly activating. We start researching, monitoring, comparing, fixing, and second-guessing, often with one understandable hope underneath it all: If I can figure this out, then I can finally relax.But what if the goal isn’t to eliminate uncertainty?What if part of protecting maternal mental health is helping mothers build the capacity to live inside uncertainty without experiencing it as danger?In this episode, I explore:The difference between emotional discomfort and psychiatric crisisWhy frightening or intrusive thoughts don’t automatically mean you’re becoming dangerous or psychoticHow our nervous systems respond when we can’t control an outcomeWhy uncertainty can feel especially difficult for highly capable women who are used to knowing what to doWhy learning to stay present with discomfort may be one of the most important capacities we can build in motherhoodWe absolutely need to care for mothers when they are in crisis. And we need to get much, much better at caring for them long before they ever get there.A note about this episode: This conversation is not intended to diagnose Lindsay Clancy or explain the circumstances of her case. It is also not a substitute for mental health or medical care. If you are concerned about your own mental health, or someone you love, please reach out to a qualified healthcare professional for assessment and support.ResourcesFor perinatal mental health support and resources, visit Postpartum Support InternationalIf you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need immediate emotional support in the United States, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

There is a huge space between never drinking and having the kind of alcohol problem we’ve traditionally been taught to recognize. And a lot of women are living somewhere inside that space.In this episode of Motherhood Uncut, I’m joined by Casey Davidson, host of the Hello Someday Podcast for Sober Curious Women, to talk about her experience as a high-achieving working mother whose nightly wine became far more important to her than anyone around her realized.Casey describes herself as a lifelong overachiever, people pleaser, peacekeeper, and “gold star girl.” Alcohol initially offered her something she desperately wanted: a way to stop thinking, loosen control, have fun, quiet anxiety, and escape the pressure of always holding everything together. Later, as work and motherhood became more demanding, wine became the easy button she could reach for whether she felt anxious, bored, resentful, lonely, overwhelmed, or simply exhausted.Our conversation goes far beyond whether or not someone drinks “too much.” We explore what we may actually be asking alcohol to do for us, and what becomes possible when we learn to meet those needs differently.In this episode, we talk about:Why alcohol can become so appealing to high-achieving, anxious, people-pleasing womenThe powerful connection between drinking and avoiding uncomfortable emotionsHow “mommy wine culture” can normalize drinking as a way to cope with motherhoodWhy Casey spent years trying to control or moderate her drinkingThe subtle ways alcohol affected her presence and connection with her childrenWhy rushing through bedtime to get back to a glass of wine became an important clueThe resentment, loneliness, anxiety, and overwhelm that can sit underneath the desire to drinkWhat Casey learned about herself when she stopped drinkingWhy our mistakes as mothers don’t have to define our relationships with our childrenThe role of honesty, responsibility, repair, and modeling in raising emotionally healthy kidsA different question for anyone who is sober curious: instead of asking, “Is my drinking bad enough that I need to stop?” what happens if you ask, “Is this good enough to keep going?”Learn more about Casey DavidsonListen to the Hello Someday Podcast for Sober Curious Women.Visit Casey at hellosomedaycoaching.com.

What if being more present with your kids didn’t require meditating for 30 minutes a day, becoming calmer, or learning to enjoy every moment of motherhood?In this episode of Motherhood Uncut, Kate sits down with psychotherapist and longtime mindfulness practitioner Dia Ralyea for a conversation about what mindfulness actually looks like in the middle of real life, especially when you’re raising kids, managing a career, carrying a thousand responsibilities, and your nervous system would really rather keep moving.Dia offers a beautifully simple definition of mindfulness: connecting to yourself so you can connect to the world around you.From there, Kate and Dia explore why that connection can be so difficult for mothers. We’re taught to anticipate, plan, solve, accomplish and care for everyone around us. We’re much less practiced at slowing down long enough to notice what is actually happening inside of us.And sometimes, we don’t want to notice.Because being present doesn’t mean feeling peaceful. It might mean noticing anxiety before bedtime, admitting that you’re disappointed by parts of motherhood, recognizing that you have needs you’ve been ignoring, or allowing your child to be sad or frustrated without immediately trying to make the feeling disappear.Kate and Dia talk about why discomfort isn’t necessarily a sign that something has gone wrong, and why learning to stay with the full range of human emotion may actually give us greater access to joy, connection and trust.They also challenge the familiar question, Can women do it all? Maybe the goal isn’t doing everything. Maybe it’s becoming more connected to yourself so you can recognize what matters most right now, let some other things go, and move through different seasons of your life with greater intention.And if mindfulness has always sounded like one more thing you should be doing, Dia makes it wonderfully practical. You can start on the floor with your kids. You can notice the weight of your child on your lap. You can put a hand on your chest and take one full breath. Thirty seconds counts.In this conversation, Kate and Dia explore:* Why mindfulness is much bigger than meditation* How presence helps us see what is actually happening instead of reacting to what we fear is happening* Why uncomfortable emotions can feel threatening to the nervous system* The hidden cost of trying to keep our children from feeling disappointment, sadness or pain* Why being present does not mean enjoying every part of motherhood* What happens when mothers believe they shouldn’t have needs* The difference between doing everything and living according to what matters most* How perfectionism and constant striving can pull us away from ourselves* Three simple ways to begin practicing mindfulness without adding another big task to your lifeDia Ralyea, MA, LPC, is a psychotherapist, Certified Mindfulness Instructor, mother of five and longtime mindfulness and yoga practitioner. She works with clients using a mindfulness-based approach and teaches mindfulness practices designed to help people reconnect with their own inner wisdom.Learn more about Dia:Dia Ralyea at Naropa UniversityDia and Humanity SharedConnect with Dia on LinkedIn

What if becoming a mother doesn’t make you less ambitious? What if it changes your ambition, expands your capacity, and develops strengths that actually make you a better leader?In this episode of Motherhood Uncut, I’m joined by Alexa Starks, founder of Mothered Media and Editor-in-Chief of Mothered Magazine, for a conversation about the systems that continue to make working motherhood unnecessarily hard and the identity shift that happens inside women when they become mothers.After having two children close together and returning to a corporate environment with little support, Alexa began asking why so many mothers were quietly struggling inside systems that simply weren’t designed for the reality of their lives. That experience eventually led her to research working motherhood and advocate for larger changes in how organizations support, perceive, and value mothers.We talk about findings from Alexa’s research, including the importance of flexible work, the enormous impact managers have on a mother’s return-to-work experience, and the disconnect between the leadership skills women gain through motherhood and the way mothers are often perceived in the workplace.We also explore something that happens much closer to home: the belief that becoming a mother means choosing between being devoted to your children and continuing to pursue the work, ideas, and ambitions that matter to you.In this episode, we talk about:Why working mothers are often trying to survive inside systems that weren’t built to support themWhat Alexa calls the “ambition gap” and why becoming a mother doesn’t necessarily make women less ambitiousWhy ambition often changes direction after motherhood rather than disappearingThe identity shift that can feel so unsettling for highly driven women after having a babyHow the very qualities motherhood asks us to develop — resilience, adaptability, empathy, communication, trust-building, and navigating uncertainty — can make us stronger leadersWhy flexible work design matters so much for parentsThe role compassionate managers can play in retaining and supporting working mothersThe difference between choosing to step away from work because you want to and believing you should because you’re a motherWhy pursuing meaningful work outside of motherhood can actually give some women more capacity to be the mothers they want to beWhat it might look like to build workplaces and communities where women no longer have to choose between ambition and familyThis conversation is ultimately about something bigger than work.Women are complex, multidimensional people. We can deeply love our children and still want meaningful work. We can be changed by motherhood without losing ourselves. And we can allow motherhood to develop parts of us that make us stronger not only at home, but everywhere else we choose to show up.Learn more about Alexa Starks and her work:Mothered Media — motheredmedia.comMothered Magazine — motheredmagazine.comInstagram — @mothered.magazineAlexa on Instagram — @alexa.starksAlexa on LinkedIn — Alexa StarksThe Future of Working Motherhood and Maternal Strengths research — Mothered Media Research & Reports

📌 Book a free Assessment Call to find out what your nervous system needs: https://www.calmconnectionsystem.com/callThat mom who makes you feel like you're failing? The one who looks like she has it all together? She is white knuckling just as hard as you are. The reason you can't stop comparing yourself to her is not a confidence problem. It is your own sharp mind turning against you, using the exact skills that made you successful at work against you at pickup, at bedtime, and in every unguarded moment you catch yourself measuring your worth against someone else's highlight reel.In this episode, I'm going to show you why comparison hits high achieving moms so hard, and give you the exact steps to take its power away for good.⏱️ TIMESTAMPS 0:00 Always Comparing Yourself to Other Moms? #1 Best Habit to Reverse It FAST0:54 The pickup that makes you feel like you're failing 1:34 What I know after 20 years with women like her 2:12 I was the mom who looked completely fine 3:22 Why your brain won't stop ranking you 3:57 The cruel part of comparison nobody talks about 4:37 What actually helps when comparison hits 5:12 Say the true thing to a friend 5:45 The only scoreboard that was ever real❓ QUESTIONS ANSWERED Why do I keep comparing myself to other moms? You are comparing your insides, everything you know about your own doubts and struggles, to another mom's outsides, the small curated moments she chooses to show. It is not a fair comparison because you are not seeing her whole reality, only a highlight, and that gap is exactly what keeps the ache alive.Why is comparison so hard for high achieving moms specifically? Comparison is your achievement brain doing what built your career, measuring and ranking so you know where you stand. Motherhood has no leaderboard, so that same instinct leaves you feeling like you're constantly losing at something that was never a competition, which is why smart, capable women often feel the worst about themselves as mothers.What actually helps stop mom comparison? Naming it in the moment, saying plainly that you are comparing your insides to her outsides, loosens its grip almost instantly. Real connection, like telling a friend the honest version of your day, breaks the spell far better than trying to compare yourself out of it, and it reminds you that she is probably comparing herself to you too.📱 RESOURCES Free Assessment Call: https://www.calmconnectionsystem.com/call Free Webinar: https://calmconnectionsystem.com/register🔔 Subscribe for weekly tools to help high-achieving moms move through postpartum anxiety and into calm, confidence, and deep connection with their kids.💬 Tell me in the comments: what is one honest thing you would say to a friend this week instead of pretending you're fine? Let's normalize telling the truth.ABOUT KATE KRIPKE: I'm a licensed clinical psychotherapist and maternal mental health specialist. For over 20 years, I've helped thousands of high-achieving, career-driven moms move through postpartum anxiety without years of therapy.#PostpartumAnxiety #MaternalMentalHealth #MomComparison #HighAchievingMom #MotherhoodAnxiety

📌 Book a free Assessment Call to find out what your nervous system needs: www.calmconnectionsystem.com/callThe witching hour is that cruel stretch between dinner and bedtime, when your kids fall apart right as your own tank hits empty. It is not bad parenting. It is not a bad kid. It is two nervous systems running on empty at the exact same time, and once you understand why this hour is so different from the rest of your day, you can stop blaming yourself for how hard it feels.In this episode, I'm going to explain what is really happening during the witching hour and give you three simple shifts that make those hours feel more manageable tonight, starting the moment you walk in the door.⏱️ TIMESTAMPS 0:00 The Witching Hour: Why 5pm to Bedtime Feels Impossible1:00 The real reason bedtime falls apart every night 2:15 Why your child saves their worst behavior for you 3:04 Why pushing through makes it worse for high achieving moms 3:22 What is actually happening in that room 4:06 The first shift, resetting before you walk in the door 4:23 The second shift, connect before you fix anything 4:59 Third shift, lower the bar on purpose 5:25 What to do in the actual meltdown❓ QUESTIONS ANSWERED Why does my child melt down the second I get home? Your child has been holding it together all day at school or daycare, and they save their hardest moments for you because you are their safe person. This is not rejection, it is a sign of trust, and it actually means your relationship is working the way it should. Why can't I stay calm during the witching hour even though I handle stress fine at work? The witching hour asks you to hand out calm you don't actually have left, since both you and your child are running on empty tanks at the same time. No amount of trying harder refills an empty tank, which is why willpower alone never fixes this window of the day. What actually helps during the 5pm to bedtime stretch? Reset for one minute before you walk inside, connect with your child before starting any task, and lower your expectations on purpose since this is a survival hour, not a teaching moment. These three small shifts change the entire tone of the evening without requiring more energy than you have.📱 RESOURCESFree Assessment Call: www.calmconnectionsystem.com/callFree Webinar: https://calmconnectionsystem.com/registerWebsite: https://www.katekripke.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/katekripke/🔔 Subscribe for weekly tools to help high achieving moms move through postpartum anxiety and into calm, confidence, and deep connection with their kids.ABOUT KATE KRIPKE: I'm a licensed clinical psychotherapist and maternal mental health specialist. For over 20 years, I've helped thousands of high achieving, career driven moms move through postpartum anxiety without years of therapy.#WitchingHour #ToddlerMeltdowns #MomAnxiety #PostpartumSupport #HighAchievingMom

📌 Book a free Assessment Call to find out what your nervous system needs: www.calmconnectionsystem.com/callYour daughter reaches back for you crying. You hand her over and walk to the car. By the second red light, you are sobbing on your way to a meeting, wondering what kind of mother does this. That thought is a lie you have been carrying, and it is time to put it down. So many high achieving moms replay that moment on a loop all day, convinced the tears mean lasting damage. They do not. What your child needs from you is not a guilt free goodbye. It is a mother who comes back steady, present, and safe to run to.In this episode, I'm going to explain what actually builds secure attachment during daycare drop off, and why those tears at goodbye are not proof you are hurting her.⏱️ TIMESTAMPS 0:00 Does Daycare Damage Your Child?0:56 What 20 years of maternal mental health work has taught me 1:23 The truth about whether daycare damages kids 1:41 What actually builds secure attachment 2:14 Why presence matters more than proximity 2:56 What your child's tears at goodbye really mean 3:01 The guilt lie every mother has absorbed 3:38 What children actually read from you 3:52 Three things to do at drop off 5:14 Why reunion matters more than the goodbye❓ QUESTIONS ANSWERED Does daycare hurt my child's attachment to me? No. Attachment security is built through emotional safety and repair, not through how many hours you spend in the same room as your child. What matters far more is how you show up during the moments you are together, especially at reunion. Why does my toddler cry at daycare drop off? Crying at goodbye is often a sign the bond is strong, not a sign you are damaging your child. It shows she trusts you enough to express her feelings openly, and that trust is exactly what secure attachment is built on. Is it bad for my child if I work instead of staying home? No. What shapes a child's sense of safety is your emotional state, not your location. A present, fulfilled working mother teaches a different lesson than a resentful mother who stays home out of guilt, and that lesson is one of stability, not abandonment.📱 RESOURCESFree Assessment Call: www.calmconnectionsystem.com/callFree Webinar: https://calmconnectionsystem.com/registerWebsite: https://www.katekripke.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/katekripke/🔔 Subscribe for weekly tools to help high-achieving moms move through postpartum anxiety and into calm, confidence, and deep connection with their kids.ABOUT KATE KRIPKE: I'm a licensed clinical psychotherapist and maternal mental health specialist. For over 20 years, I've helped thousands of high-achieving, career-driven moms move through postpartum anxiety without years of therapy.#PostpartumAnxiety #MaternalMentalHealth #SecureAttachment #DaycareGuilt #WorkingMomLife

What happens when the skills that helped you succeed professionally begin working against you in motherhood?In this honest conversation, Kate sits down with executive coach and former Fortune 500 executive Lori Pine to explore the hidden pressure so many high-achieving women carry into parenting.Lori shares her journey from ambitious small-town athlete to corporate leader at Anheuser-Busch and Coca-Cola, where proving herself became second nature. But after becoming a mother, experiencing burnout, navigating divorce, and eventually facing a life-changing health crisis, she began asking a different question:What if achievement isn’t the answer to every challenge?Together, Kate and Lori explore the difference between strategic intelligence and relational intelligence—and why motherhood often asks us to develop an entirely different set of capacities than the ones that helped us build successful careers.If you’ve ever felt like you’re constantly trying to “figure motherhood out,” this episode offers a compassionate invitation to stop fixing and start connecting.In this episode, you’ll hear:Why ambitious women often struggle more than expected in early motherhoodHow achievement can become a coping strategy for emotional discomfortThe difference between strategic intelligence and relational intelligenceWhy motherhood isn’t a project to master—it’s a relationship to buildLori’s powerful story of burnout, healing, and learning to trust herselfWhat it really means to be present with your childrenHow community, support, and slowing down create lasting changeWhether you’re balancing a demanding career with young children or simply longing to feel more present in your life, this conversation will remind you that you don’t have to abandon your ambition—you simply need another kind of intelligence alongside it.Connect with Lori PineWebsite: loripine.comLinkedIn: Lori PineInstagram: @loripine

📌 Book a free Assessment Call to find out what your nervous system needs: www.calmconnectionsystem.com/callCatch yourself in the mirror on a random Tuesday and for a second you do not recognize the woman looking back. You love your kids. That was never the question. But somewhere between the feedings, the drop offs, and the mental list that never ends, the woman you used to be got harder and harder to find. You are not broken and you are not ungrateful. You are just deep in a season that quietly asked you to set yourself aside, one small choice at a time, until one day you looked up and could not remember the last time you did something just for you.In this episode, I'm going to explain why missing your old self is not a betrayal of motherhood, and show you exactly how to find your way back to her without leaving any of it behind.⏱️ TIMESTAMPS 0:00 When You Feel Like You've Lost Yourself in Motherhood 0:47 Kate's own story of losing herself as a new mom 1:43 What's actually happening when you feel this way 1:58 The guilt of missing your old self 2:13 Why missing her is grief, not ingratitude 2:17 How she quietly disappeared over time 3:04 The lie about choosing between motherhood and yourself 3:26 What your kids actually need to see from you 4:31 How to find your way back in ten minutes 5:20 Three honest questions to wake her up again❓ QUESTIONS ANSWERED Why do I feel like I lost myself after becoming a mom? You did not lose yourself. You poured your time and energy into your kids and quietly set aside the parts of your identity that were only yours, expecting to return to them later, and that quiet setting aside adds up faster than most moms realize. Is it wrong to grieve who I was before motherhood? No, that grief is not ingratitude. It is love pointed at yourself, and it only shows up for things you truly loved, so feeling it actually means you have not lost her at all, just lost touch with her for a while. How do I start feeling like myself again as a mom? Start small with ten minutes a few times a week doing something that is only yours, like reading, walking without the stroller, or reconnecting with an old friend. Small consistent moments like these rebuild your sense of self far faster than waiting for a big block of free time that may never come.📱 RESOURCESFree Assessment Call: www.calmconnectionsystem.com/callFree Webinar: https://calmconnectionsystem.com/registerWebsite: https://www.katekripke.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/katekripke/🔔 Subscribe for weekly tools to help high-achieving moms move through postpartum anxiety and into calm, confidence, and deep connection with their kids.ABOUT KATE KRIPKE: I'm a licensed clinical psychotherapist and maternal mental health specialist. For over 20 years, I've helped thousands of high-achieving, career-driven moms move through postpartum anxiety without years of therapy.#PostpartumAnxiety #MaternalMentalHealth #MomIdentity #MotherhoodAnxiety #LosingYourselfInMotherhood

What if creativity isn’t about painting, writing, or making beautiful things?What if creativity is our ability to remain open when we don’t know the answer?In this conversation, Kate sits down with Jennifer Hinton, co-founder and Chief Creative Officer of Carve Designs, to explore creativity as a human capacity rather than an artistic talent. Together they discuss why creativity requires vulnerability, how fear and perfectionism narrow our thinking, and why slowing down may be one of the most important practices for living a meaningful life.The conversation naturally turns toward motherhood, where uncertainty is constant and creativity becomes essential. Rather than seeing motherhood as something that diminishes creativity, Kate and Jennifer explore how it asks us to develop it in entirely new ways.In this episode, we discuss:Why everyone is born creative—even if they don’t think they are.The relationship between creativity, safety, and vulnerability.How perfectionism can limit curiosity and imagination.Why collaboration often produces our best ideas.The importance of slowing down and creating space for inspiration.Creativity beyond art: leadership, business, parenting, and everyday problem solving.Why play becomes uncomfortable for so many adults.How motherhood changes our relationship with creativity.The tension between structure and openness—and why we need both.Small ways to reconnect with creativity in everyday life.About Jennifer HintonJennifer Hinton is the co-founder and Chief Creative Officer of Carve Designs, where she has spent more than two decades building a brand that celebrates adventure, authenticity, and thoughtful design. Her approach to creativity is rooted in openness, collaboration, and a deep belief that every person has the capacity to see the world in new ways.Learn more about Jen Hinton and Care Designs at www.carvedseigns.com an on IG @carvedesigns