155. What to do When It isn't Working

Sometimes your partner says something that hurts, but when you bring it up, you're met with defensiveness or "You're being too sensitive." What could have been a moment of connection turns into another frustrating interaction. But what if these moments are actually opportunities to build trust? In this episode: Why small moments of hurt are opportunities for repair How defensiveness and justification make things worse How to acknowledge your partner's feelings without taking blame for something you didn't intend Why understanding your partner's pain can reveal important relationship patterns How small repairs build trust and help you feel like a team Repair doesn't always require a big apology. Sometimes it starts with listening, acknowledging your partner's experience, and showing them their feelings matter to you—even when you see things differently. These small moments teach you that even when you misunderstand each other, you can find your way back to each other. Ready to build more trust and connection in your relationship?  Schedule your consult and find more ways to work with Sharon at sharoncostanzo.com/links.

You love each other. You're committed to your relationship. From the outside, things probably look pretty good. So why does your relationship feel harder than it should? Maybe you keep having the same conversations about chores, finances, emotional needs, or how to share the responsibilities of your life together—and somehow, nothing really changes. You're both trying, but you keep ending up on opposite sides of the same issues. In this episode: Why couples can both be trying hard and still feel stuck How tunnel vision keeps us focused on what we are doing—and what our partner isn't The difference between pushing for change and inviting your partner into it Why changing your own participation in the relationship can feel so uncomfortable What relational integrity looks like when your partner isn't responding the way you hoped Why you shouldn't judge a new behavior by your partner's immediate response How to recognize that you always have a choice in difficult interactions The problem isn't necessarily that you don't love each other or that one of you isn't trying hard enough. Sometimes you're both doing what makes sense from your own perspective—and those strategies are creating more distance instead of more connection. Real change starts when you stop trying to control your partner's response and start paying attention to how you are participating in the pattern. That doesn't mean accommodating your partner or taking responsibility for everything. It means choosing a different way to show up—even when it feels awkward, uncomfortable, or uncertain. You can't control whether your partner changes. But you can choose how you participate in the relationship. And sometimes, that's the first step toward turning tension into teamwork. If you're recognizing your own relationship in this episode, join Sharon for the free Tension to Teamwork: Make Your Relationship Work Better for Both of You masterclass on October 13th. You'll learn about four common patterns that keep couples stuck—and the shifts you can make when those patterns show up. Sign up for the masterclass and find more ways to work with Sharon at sharoncostanzo.com/links.

You want more from your relationship—more help, more emotional presence, more follow-through. And somehow, every attempt to get there turns into the same frustrating loop: you push, they resist, and now you're in a power struggle instead of a partnership. It's exhausting. And it leaves you wondering whether the problem is what you're asking for—or how you're asking for it. In this episode: Why wanting more often turns into a control vs. resistance dynamic The hidden cost of taking the moral high ground in your relationship How larger cultural frustrations get misdirected onto your partner The shift from protest to request—and why it changes everything Why regulating yourself first leads to more productive conversations The issue isn't that you want more. It's that the strategies most people rely on—pushing harder, pointing out what's wrong, expecting your partner to "just get it"—tend to create the very resistance you're trying to break through. Real influence in a relationship doesn't come from force. It comes from clarity, vulnerability, and knowing how to invite your partner into change instead of pushing them into it. If you're tired of having the same fight on repeat, this is your invitation to try a different approach—one that actually creates movement. Subscribe for more honest conversations about real relationship dynamics, or share this episode with your partner to start shifting this pattern together. If you're ready for deeper support, Sharon can help you navigate these conversations in a way that leads to real change. Find ways to work with Sharon at sharoncostanzo.com/links.

Many struggling couples use the same phrase: "I don't feel safe." Sometimes that's absolutely true. But more often, what people mean is something closer to: I don't like how this interaction feels. I feel uncomfortable, destabilized, or emotionally off balance—and I need you to respond differently so I can feel okay again. But when one partner becomes responsible for stabilizing the other, the relationship quietly shifts out of partnership and into something much more fragile. In this episode, we challenge common assumptions about emotional safety and explore why the very strategies we use to protect ourselves often create more distance instead. In this episode: Why "feeling unsafe" in relationships is often really about emotional discomfort The five losing strategies couples use to regain power and protection How being right, controlling reactions, withdrawing, or retaliating damages connection The winning strategies that actually build safety and intimacy Why real relationship growth means learning to handle disappointment with maturity At the heart of it, relationships aren't supposed to feel comfortable all the time. Being close to another person inevitably brings up old wounds, insecurities, and the urge to protect yourself. The shift happens when you stop trying to control the relationship into safety—and start showing up from the wiser, more mature part of yourself. That's where honesty, generosity, and real connection begin to grow. If this episode resonates with you, subscribe to the podcast and share it with your partner or someone who cares deeply about their relationships. And if you're ready for deeper support in breaking painful relationship patterns, learn more about working with Sharon Costanzo at sharoncostanzo.com/links.

Relationships don't just change when your partner grows. They change when you do. And sometimes the hardest part of relationship growth isn't learning new communication skills. It's realizing that certain patterns, roles, and even relationships themselves can't continue the way they once did. In this episode, Sharon returns to the podcast after a year-long pause to share what's been happening behind the scenes—personally, professionally, and relationally. From stepping away from a full-time career to becoming certified in Relational Life Therapy, the past year has brought both meaningful progress and some deeply emotional realizations. Because when you start seeing your relationship patterns clearly, there's often something unexpected waiting on the other side: grief. In this episode: Why real relationship growth often brings unexpected grief What a "relational reckoning" actually is—and why most couples face it The hidden cost of over-functioning and always keeping the peace What happens when you stop accommodating unhealthy dynamics The deeper purpose of becoming a cycle breaker in your relationships Growth in relationships isn't just about fixing problems. Sometimes it's about seeing things honestly for the first time. And that clarity can bring sadness alongside freedom. But as Sharon shares in this episode, the work of healing our relationships doesn't just affect the present. It ripples outward—changing what we pass down to our children and, in some ways, even honoring the generations who came before us. If this conversation resonates with you, subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss upcoming episodes as Sharon returns with deeper conversations about real relationship dynamics. And if you're ready to do this work in your own relationship, learn more about coaching with Sharon Costanzo and how Relational Life Therapy can help you move from recurring conflict to genuine connection.  Find ways to work with Sharon at sharoncostanzo.com/links.

In this final episode before the break, Sharon Costanzo reflects on her year, the thought-provoking books and stories that are on her mind, and how it paints her unique perspective as a woman navigating a world dominated by patriarchal structures. Sharon reflects on recent events, including Blake Lively and Jason Baldoni, the overturning of Donald Trump's sexual assault case, and the broader challenges women face when speaking out. With eyes toward the future, Sharon explores how patriarchy limits men, their happiness, their ability to connect deeply, and offers resources and insights for men and women to create equitable relationships and shared visions for a better future.   Connect with Sharon: Website: https://www.respectedandconnected.com Connect on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/respected_and_connected Connect on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RespectedConnected Schedule a breakthrough call: https://respectedandconnected.com/gridlock   Voice Over, Mixing and Mastering Credits: L. Connor Voice - [email protected] Lconnorvoice.com   Music Credits:  Happy Growth - Music Radio Creative

The holidays can be a challenging time for many women, who often find themselves feeling unappreciated and overwhelmed. In this episode of Respected and Connected, Sharon Costanzo explores why this is such a common experience and how to navigate it with grace and confidence.  Sharon dives into how phrases like "should" can reinforce harmful societal constructs—and why saying "It means a lot to me" can open the door to meaningful communication. Develop winning strategies for feeling more respected and appreciated, and what to do when you don't feel listened to—before you get mad. Whether you're navigating difficult family dynamics or just trying to enjoy the holidays without resentment, this episode is packed with practical advice to help you feel more connected and valued.   Connect with Sharon: Website: https://www.respectedandconnected.com Connect on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/respected_and_connected Connect on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RespectedConnected Schedule a breakthrough call: https://respectedandconnected.com/gridlock   Voice Over, Mixing and Mastering Credits: L. Connor Voice - [email protected] Lconnorvoice.com   Music Credits:  Happy Growth - Music Radio Creative

In this reflective episode of Respected & Connected, Sharon Costanzo announces that the podcast will be going on hold and shares powerful lessons she's learned along the way. Drawing from her own experiences in business and life, Sharon offers actionable insights on maintaining relational integrity and making aligned decisions. Sharon explores the importance of defining what you want, recognizing what's not working, and breaking free from unhelpful patterns to create meaningful connections. Tune in for inspiration on stepping back, reevaluating priorities, and taking ownership of your happiness and success.   Connect with Sharon: Website: https://www.respectedandconnected.com Connect on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/respected_and_connected Connect on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RespectedConnected Schedule a breakthrough call: https://respectedandconnected.com/gridlock     Voice Over, Mixing and Mastering Credits: L. Connor Voice - [email protected] Lconnorvoice.com   Music Credits:  Happy Growth - Music Radio Creative  

In this episode, Sharon discusses three levels of expressing your needs to your partner—invitation, request, and demand — and how each approach is based on how important the issue is to you. Consider these three tools to frame requests in a way that fosters collaboration and mutual respect, helping your partner feel engaged and successful in meeting your needs. Connect with Sharon: Website: https://www.respectedandconnected.com Connect on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/respected_and_connected Connect on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RespectedConnected Schedule a breakthrough call: https://respectedandconnected.com/gridlock     Voice Over, Mixing and Mastering Credits: L. Connor Voice - [email protected] Lconnorvoice.com   Music Credits:  Happy Growth - Music Radio Creative  

Schedule a Gridlock Breakthrough Session and get the clarity and confidence you need to address a relationship challenge: https://www.respectedandconnected.com/gridlock --- Would you be surprised to know that aspects of engineering can be applied to strengthen relationships? Our Guest today, Gabriela Embon, shares with us how the mindset of an engineer can help you set goals, troubleshoot issues, and show up with dedication and commitment when working with your partner. Join us today as Gabriela and Sharon dive into the insights gained from their engineering backgrounds, and how they apply it when working with their clients. Don't miss out on a chance to pick up Gabriela's new book "Becoming a Power Couple".  Gabriela's Links: https://www.becomingapowercouple.net https://www.facebook.com/coachingacademynet/ https://www.instagram.com/gabrielaembon/ https://www.linkedin.com/company/coachingacademynet/?originalSubdomain=ca Connect with Sharon: Linktree: https://www.respectedandconnected.com/links  Voice Over, Mixing and Mastering Credits: L. Connor Voice - [email protected] Lconnorvoice.com Music Credits:  Happy Growth - Music Radio Creative