Unequal Skillfulness In Marriage

226 When something your spouse does leaves you feeling hurt, disconnected, or disappointed, how do you know whether it's a serious red flag or simply an area where you and your partner have different approaches to life and love, temperaments, or relationship skills?In this episode, I'm taking a nuanced look at red flags in husbands. We'll talk about 5 serious warning signs that deserve particular attention, as well as 9 other patterns that may tell you something important about your husband's willingness to participate in creating a fulfilling marriage.But here's what I don't want you to do: listen to this episode and come away with a checklist of reasons to doubt your marriage. Because there are many nuances to consider.Some red flags behaviors may reflect a lack of emotional or relationship skills, rather than an unwillingness to grow. And sometimes, the ways we understand ourselves and change how we participate in our relationships opens the door to surprisingly meaningful changes in our marriages.You'll also get 3 specific actions steps to become clear about what any red flags you see in your relationship may mean for your future, and help you think through what your relationship offers, what may or may not change, and what matters most to you as you decide what kind of marriage you want to keep choosing.Because a red flag is information—not a mandate to leave. And understanding what's happening, taking responsibility for your own part, and making conscious choices can help you see your relationship and its possibilities more clearly.SHOW NOTES:Learn more about working with Hannah in Sanctuary 1:1 here.ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t miss an episode! Subscribe via Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Stitcher. Leave  a review in Apple Podcasts —we are SO grateful!Check out the Start Here Podcast Pathway for a suggested route through the most important episodes to start with or review — the ones that will help you feel calmer, more secure, and more hopeful in your relationship.Find Hannah at hspmarriagecoaching.com

225  Have you ever wished your husband were better at understanding emotions, navigating difficult conversations, or creating emotional intimacy between you?In this episode, I’m exploring an idea that has helped me think differently about my own marriage: you don’t have to contribute equal amounts of skillfulness to your relationship for things to get better.I introduce the idea of “units of capacity”— a way of thinking about the skills and energy each of you has available in different situations. Our capacities vary depending on our strengths, stress levels, and what’s happening in our lives. And we each bring different strengths to our relationships.Recognizing those differences can help you create a better marriage.For highly sensitive women, this can be especially important. You may have a natural knack for noticing emotional shifts, recognizing patterns, and thinking deeply about your relationship. But when your husband doesn’t have those same skills, it can be frustrating——and we can lose sight of the capacity we have to make things better ourselves.I’ll share how to recognize and use the relational capacity you already have to influence your marriage in a positive direction, while continuing to develop even more of it....... and help you shift your focus from wishing your husband would change to creating more connection and navigating difficult moments more skillfully together, so you can have a better relationship.Plus, you'll get some practical ways to help you put this idea into practice!ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t miss an episode! Subscribe via Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Stitcher. Leave  a review in Apple Podcasts —we are SO grateful!Check out the Start Here Podcast Pathway for a suggested route through the most important episodes to start with or review — the ones that will help you feel calmer, more secure, and more hopeful in your relationship.Find Hannah at hspmarriagecoaching.com

Have you ever looked at the life and relationships you have—and the ones you want to have—and wondered what it would take to actually feel the way you want to feel in them?I know that question intimately.When my boys were little, I knew I loved my family—but I was overwhelmed, reactive, impatient, and increasingly cut off from the light, loving version of myself I knew was in there somewhere. I didn't feel like myself anymore, or feel my love that much.What happened next completely changed the way I understood myself, my emotions, and my relationships—and ultimately propelled me into the happiness I now have in my marriage.In this very personal episode, I'm taking you back to that season of my life—and to the discoveries along the way to the present that helped me feel more at home in myself, lighter in my body and heart, more secure in myself, and so much more able to enjoy the people I loved, including my husband.Because even though at first I just wanted to feel better, it ultimately unlocked something much bigger: the foundation and skillset I needed to create and sustain the relationships and life I really wanted.It changed the way I showed up with my partner and kids—and gave me the foundation for true happiness in marriage.And eventually, it became the beginning of the work I now teach highly sensitive women who want to feel more steady, loving, connected, and like the best of themselves in their own lives and relationships.If you've ever wondered what it really takes to create the kind of inner life—and the kind of marriage—you deeply want, this one is for you.SHOW NOTES: Learn more about Foundations of Emotional Well-Being for HSPs, and join the cohort here. Doors close October 4th for this round.ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t miss an episode! Subscribe via Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Stitcher. Leave  a review in Apple Podcasts —we are SO grateful!Check out the Start Here Podcast Pathway for a suggested route through the most important episodes to start with or review — the ones that will help you feel calmer, more secure, and more hopeful in your relationship.

223 There are two parts of you that are always shaping your marriage, often far more deeply than you realize. So you want to really understand them –especially as an HSP. Together they are always deeply influencing how you feel in your marriage, and how you are interacting with your partner, for better or for worse.Although you can—and should—look at these two parts of yourself individually, they're are deeply interconnected and constantly influencing each other. So we have to understand how to look at and work with them together,  if we want the most sway over how we feel in our relationship.In this episode, we will use metaphor and science to look at how your nervous system and your mind work together to shape the way you experience your husband, your emotions, and the difficult moments that inevitably happen in marriage.You'll see why the same situation can feel completely different depending on what's happening inside you—and how learning to work with both gives you more choice, clarity, connection, and access to the woman you want to be in your marriage……and to the marriage you really want to have.The best part may well be the simple garden metaphor (mid–way through) that will help you understand this all in a way that really clicks, and will change the way you think about how much influence you really do have when it comes to making your relationship the loving one you want.SHOW NOTES: Learn more about Foundations of Emotional Well-Being for HSPs, and join the cohort here. ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t miss an episode! Subscribe via Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Stitcher. Leave  a review in Apple Podcasts —we are SO grateful!Check out the Start Here Podcast Pathway for a suggested route through the most important episodes to start with or review — the ones that will help you feel calmer, more secure, and more hopeful in your relationship.

222 What if the problem isn't that the love in your relationship has faded—but that your nervous system and biochemistry is making it hard to experience the love that's there?We tend to think of connection as something that happens between two people. But connection is also an experience happening inside your body, and your internal state can profoundly affect how available you are to experience it.In this episode, we’re looking at oxytocin—the hormone involved in bonding, attachment, trust, affection, and connection—and its fascinating relationship with your nervous system.You'll learn why connection and regulation can create an upward feedback loop, why dysregulation can make you feel more disconnected even when your relationship hasn't actually changed, and why sometimes what feels like a relationship problem may have more to do with what's happening inside your nervous system.Of course, this doesn't mean every relationship problem is a nervous-system problem.But it does mean that your internal state is a very important part of the picture—and understanding that can give you a powerful place to begin creating more of the connection, warmth, and love you're longing to experience in your marriage.I'll also share an exciting announcement in this episode, so, if you want to be able to feel more of the love you want in your marriage, you've got to listen in.SHOW NOTES: Learn more about Foundations of Emotional Well-Being for HSPs, and join the cohort here. ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t miss an episode! Subscribe via Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Stitcher. Leave  a review in Apple Podcasts--we are SO grateful!Check out the Start Here Podcast Pathway for a suggested route through the most important episodes to start with or review — the ones that will help you feel calmer, more secure, and more hopeful in your relationship.

221  You already know that a good marriage takes work.But what if constantly working on your marriage can sometimes get in the way of it being good?For many highly sensitive women, taking their relationship seriously can easily turn into taking every problem, disappointment, unresolved issue, and imperfection seriously—more often than we need to.We think about what needs to change. We revisit the hard conversations. We notice what still isn't fixed. We keep working on it, because of course we want our marriages to be good.But what often happens is that working on your relationship starts to become the main way you experience your relationship.And so you end up missing out on so much that could be enjoyable, loving, and simply good between you..Making a generally good relationship…not so good…In this episode, you’ll hear about the surprising problem that always working on your marriage leads to—and why another kind of work is just as essential to creating a deeply loving, connected relationship. (Hint: it is MUCH more fun work.)I also share why doing this other kind of work – this all too often forgotten work – has made such a difference in my own marriage, and what many highly sensitive women need to learn in order to stop letting the hardest parts of their relationship take up so much space.And be able to truly feel loved, loving, and deeply connected in marriage.So listen in to this story and metaphor filled episode, and learn the starting point of the incredibly important and usually overlooked work.Because your marriage is about so much more than solving its problems.And sometimes, the work you aren't doing may be exactly what your marriage needs more of.SHOW NOTES: Learn more about  Sanctuary 1:1 (where Foundations of Emotional Well-Being is included as the first layer).ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t miss an episode! Subscribe via Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Stitcher. Leave  a review in Apple Podcasts--we are SO grateful!Check out the Start Here Podcast Pathway for a suggested route through the most important episodes to start with or review — the ones that will help you feel calmer, more secure, and more hopeful in your relationship.FREE QUIZ: How Much is High Sensitivity Impacting Your Relationship (and are you even highly sensitive)? You want to know. Because, high sensitivity has a major impact on intimate relationships – for better or worse. Take this 3 minute quiz to discover if you're highly sensitive and how deeply it’s affecting you, and your happiness in your relationship. You will also get your next steps to making sure sensitivity works for your relationship, instead of against it.

220 One of the most powerful ways to change your marriage begins with understanding how emotions spread in intimate relationships – and learning to use this on purpose to create an upward healing cycle between you and your spouse.Because just as fear, reactivity, and self-protection are contagious in relationships– bouncing back and forth between partners...So is safety.There is a way to tap into this, and doing so intentionally changes everything inside you, and then everything between you and your partner for the better.As you build safety intentionally you become a different kind of presence inside your marriage: someone who communicates to your spouse naturally through your actions and words: “Who you are is safe with me”.This naturally fosters deep safety – which breeds more love, joy, and lightness – between you and your partner.It also (thank goodness!) creates the best conditions for your spouse to grow and do his own work on himself. So in this episode, we'll explore what it really means to become this Safe Heart Partner, and how, when you learn how, you have far more influence over the atmosphere between you—and the kind of relationship you create together—than you've ever realized.Listen in.SHOW NOTES: Learn more about the full Safe Heart Pathway through Sanctuary 1:1 (where Foundations of Emotional Well-Being is included as the first layer)Or begin with Foundations of Emotional Well-Being for HSPs (FEW) on its own first.FREE QUIZ: How Much is High Sensitivity Impacting Your Relationship (and are you even highly sensitive)? You want to know. Because, high sensitivity has a major impact on intimate relationships – for better or worse. Take this 3 minute quiz to discover if you're highly sensitive and how deeply it’s affecting you, and your happiness in your relationship. You will also get your next steps to making sure sensitivity works for your relationship, instead of against it.ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t miss an episode! Subscribe via Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Stitcher. Leave  a review in Apple Podcasts--we are SO grateful!Check out the Start Here Podcast Pathway for a suggested route through the most important episodes to start with or review — the ones that will help you feel calmer, more secure, and more hopeful in your relationship.

219 What if one of the most powerful forces shaping your marriage is something you've never even thought about?Every relationship has an atmosphere. You can't see it, but you can feel it.It's the difference between walking into a home that feels light, warm, and easy to breathe in... and one where everyone seems to be quietly protecting themselves.The surprising part? The atmosphere is not just the way a relationship is.It's actually something that's being created…And it isn't created by one big conversation, one conflict, or one breakthrough.It's created by one ordinary interactions at a time repeated over and over—most of which you barely notice. In this episode, I'll help you recognize the invisible emotional climate inside your own marriage, why it matters far more than you may realize, and why understanding this one idea could completely change the way you think about creating the relationship your heart has been longing for…...and your ability to influence the relationship.Because once you can see the atmosphere...you can begin changing it. Dive in.SHOW NOTES: Learn more about the full Safe Heart Pathway through Sanctuary 1:1 (where Foundations of Emotional Well-Being is included as the first layer)Or begin with Foundations of Emotional Well-Being for HSPs (FEW) on its own first.FREE QUIZ: How Much is High Sensitivity Impacting Your Relationship (and are you even highly sensitive)? You want to know. Because, high sensitivity has a major impact on intimate relationships – for better or worse. Take this 3 minute quiz to discover if you're highly sensitive and how deeply it’s affecting you, and your happiness in your relationship. You will also get your next steps to making sure sensitivity works for your relationship, instead of against it.ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t miss an episode! Subscribe via Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Stitcher. Leave  a review in Apple Podcasts--we are SO grateful!Check out the Start Here Podcast Pathway for a suggested route through the most important episodes to start with or review — the ones that will help you feel calmer, more secure, and more hopeful in your relationship.

218  What does a truly emotionally safe, loving marriage actually feel like…from the inside?In this episode, I invite you to step into an ordinary day inside what I call a Safe Heart Partnership: a relationship where you feel emotionally safe, deeply connected, genuinely cherished, and at home with one another—even when life isn't perfect.I want you to get a taste of what that really feels like.Why? Because when you can clearly envision—and even begin to feel—the kind of relationship you're longing for, your brain naturally starts orienting toward it, making it easier to recognize opportunities and make choices to bring it alive, and begin actually creating it one ordinary day at a time.So, together, we'll walk through a simple Tuesday...sharing coffee in the morning, navigating a disagreement, responding to a difficult day, repairing after a hurt, and ending the evening side by side. Because the goal isn't a relationship without challenges.It's a relationship where the challenges no longer threaten your connection, and even bring you closer over time. And you feel truly home with each other.As you imagine yourself living these moments, you'll begin experiencing what emotional security within you and emotional safety between you actually feel like, so you can move towards it in your own real life more easily.So if you've been longing for a marriage that feels peaceful, warm, supportive, playful, and deeply good to live inside, this episode will give you a glimpse of what's possible—and will help your heart begin moving toward it.This is the kind of partnership I believe every highly sensitive woman deserves. Listen in.SHOW NOTES: Learn more about the full Safe Heart Pathway through Sanctuary 1:1 (where Foundations of Emotional Well-Being is included as the first layer)Or begin with Foundations of Emotional Well-Being for HSPs (FEW) on its own first.FREE QUIZ: How Much is High Sensitivity Impacting Your Relationship (and are you even highly sensitive)? You want to know. Because, high sensitivity has a major impact on intimate relationships – for better or worse. Take this 3 minute quiz to discover if you're highly sensitive and how deeply it’s affecting you, and your happiness in your relationship. You will also get your next steps to making sure sensitivity works for your relationship, instead of against it.ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t miss an episode! Subscribe via Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Stitcher. Leave  a review in Apple Podcasts--we are SO grateful!Check out the Start Here Podcast Pathway for a suggested route through the most important episodes to start with or review — the ones that will help you feel calmer, more secure, and more hopeful in your relationship.

217  Ever feel like you can never quite relax in your marriage—even when nothing is really wrong?Maybe a part of you feels like you have to manage the relationship all the time… or you're constantly noticing your partner's mood, his tone, how quickly he texts back, whether he seems distant, or whether the two of you still feel "okay." You aren't trying to overthink your relationship...but somehow, part of your mind is always checking and tracking if things are going a little south.In this episode, I unpack what I call this often hidden job so many highly sensitive women unknowingly take on: monitoring the relationship.We'll explore:How to recognize when paying attention has unconsciously become monitoring.Why this pattern is so common for highly sensitive women.How your nervous system turns sensitivity into vigilance.The surprising cost of constantly tracking your relationship.And what becomes possible when you no longer feel responsible for monitoring love in order to feel safe.If you've ever found yourself wondering "Are we okay?" more often than you'd like, this conversation will help you understand why—and, more importantly, show you a different path.If you're longing for a relationship that feels lighter, safer, more connected, and more like coming home to your best friend, this is an important episode.SHOW NOTES: Learn more about the full Safe Heart Pathway through Sanctuary 1:1 (where Foundations of Emotional Well-Being is included as the first layer)Or begin with Foundations of Emotional Well-Being for HSPs (FEW) on its own first.FREE QUIZ: How Much is High Sensitivity Impacting Your Relationship (and are you even highly sensitive)? You want to know. Because, high sensitivity has a major impact on intimate relationships – for better or worse. Take this 3 minute quiz to discover if you're highly sensitive and how deeply it’s affecting you, and your happiness in your relationship. You will also get your next steps to making sure sensitivity works for your relationship, instead of against it.ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t miss an episode! Subscribe via Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Stitcher. Leave  a review in Apple Podcasts--we are SO grateful!Check out the Start Here Podcast Pathway for a suggested route through the most important episodes to start with or review — the ones that will help you feel calmer, more secure, and more hopeful in your relationship.