Overcoming Anger - Step 6

In Step 6 we discussed the difference between running from sinful anger and running to the life God desires for us. This final chapter is devoted to the subject of “running to” God’s design. You will do most of the writing in this chapter. It is your life that is being stewarded for God’s glory. The goal is that you would find things that you could give yourself to more passionately than you once gave yourself to your anger. But not just temporal, slightly healthier things that would quickly become the next edition of ruling desires; and not things that you give yourself to in private so that they foster selfishness and excess. Rather, eternally significant things that you give yourself to in a community of faith to maintain endurance, temper desire mutation, and become an example to others. As you read through and answer these nine questions, remember God’s patience and timing. There will be some aspects of God’s design that you can engage in immediately. There will be ways you want to serve God that will require you to more mature or be equipped before you are prepared to fulfill them. The main thing is to begin to have a vision for life that involves being God’s servant and actively engaging that vision where you are currently equipped. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Are you enjoying where you are? Even if you are not “there yet,” can you identify aspects of this part of your journey that make it significantly better than where you’ve been? Unless you can answer “yes” to this question and take delight in that answer, perseverance will be grueling. Striving without delighting is exhausting.One of the keys to persevering, especially with a struggle as recurrent as anger, is the ability to enjoy an imperfect, in-process life. God does not just delight in you at the culmination of your sanctification. God delights in you right now. He invites you to agree with him; where he has you in this process is good. This provides the emotional stability and security to persevere in your journey.With that as our starting point, let’s ask the question, “What does it look like to continue to follow God from here?” Chances are that you’ve put so much energy into getting “here” that it is not entirely clear how to prepare yourself for life after an intensive focus on change. What do you do when your life is not focused on overcoming anger? That is the topic of this step and the next. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We are now squarely in the present tense. Admitting, acknowledging, understanding, repenting, and confessing were all focused on things we had done or experienced (past tense). Restructuring life was all about what we intend to do (future tense). In the first six steps we were protected from dynamic things like the pressures and nuances of daily life. To this point, we have scripted and rehearsed our social interactions but now we are leaving the scripts behind.In order to engage with implementation effectively, we must have our perspective on temptation transformed. There is a tendency to view temptation as failure. If our plan is merely to avoid or prevent temptation (irritating situations), then we will fail and think, “What’s the use?”  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As we get to the most “practical” part of the study, hopefully you are at a better place spiritually, relationally, emotionally, and in terms of self-understanding than you have ever been before (or at least in a long time). This foundation allows you to enact the plans you are about to make in a way you could not when you felt distant from God, isolated from people, emotionally frazzled, and your self-understanding was filled with lies and distortions. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If we became active in Step 4, then we are going public in Step 5. Confession that is less public than the sin which prompted its necessity promotes short-lived change. Confession is when our new allegiance (from self to God) becomes public. Confession is to sanctification what baptism is to salvation – public evidence that a change has occurred and is impacting the core of our identity and how we relate to the world.Confession is often hard for someone who struggles with anger. Anger is about being strong. Confession feels weak and vulnerable. Anger is bold and in control. Confession is humble and patient. Anger intends to make certain things happen. Confession does not know what response it will get. You are being asked to buck this trend in ways that may be scary or unnatural, but that is what change is. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This material is not another trip around the “try harder” merry-go-round!It is at Step 4 that you begin to experience the difference. Hopefully, you have a more complete understanding of your struggle with anger than you’ve ever had before. You probably have more ongoing Christian support than you’ve had in previous attempts to control your anger. But understanding, the absence of blame-shifting, community, and direction are not the source of change. God is.Change doesn’t involve white knuckles; it requires the empty hands and bent knees of humble repentance.In order to see the relevance of repentance you must see your sinful anger the way that Bible does – as an offense primarily against God. We don’t view most sins this way. We see that we hurt other people with our sin and assume that God is disappointed in us for failing to love our neighbor (i.e., wife, kids, co-workers, etc…). But we do not think we have sinned against God.Until we see this reality we will not realize that we have voluntarily unplugged from our source of love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23). Further, we will try to produce these qualities in our own strength and character not realizing how futile and silly those efforts really are (John 15:4-17). We become like the person flipping switches in their breaker box during a power outage. The solution makes sense but there is still no power even when we have taken all the right steps. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It is unfortunate that this step will likely not be as satisfying as we would like. We often fall into the trap of thinking that if we understand the “why” better, then the “what” will be easy, or at least easier. There are at least two realities that disrupt this seemingly sound logic.First, sin is not rational, so it refuses to play by our rules of logic. Sin is not a simple behavior that plays by single-variable motivations. Rather sin is a condition and a predator. Sin has its roots in our fallen human nature. Sin is aided and abetted by an enemy who desires our destruction (I Peter 5:8). This means that sin both has the home field advantage and is willing to cheat to win. This is why simple, temporary measures will never be sufficient.Second, our goal must be effectiveness-at-change rather than ease-of-change or our best intentions will lead us back into destructive anger. Satan is always willing to wait for a more opportune time (Luke 4:13) if its interests are not best served in a given moment. The moments when we let our guard down are the times when our intelligent adversary will strike. Anything that undermines our vigilance is an asset to our adversary.But these realities do not make an examination of the history and motives of our anger fruitless. It just means that what we intuitively want from this examination is overly optimistic. What we can gain is a better understanding of (a) what motives drive our anger, (b) the context in which those desires became excessively dominant, and (c) how those desires began to take on a god-like function in our lives.The more honestly and accurately we are able to make these assessments in real time, the more effectively we will be at relying on God and reaching out to our support network for help. The more “foreign” or “crazy” our motives feel to us, the less likely we are to tell others what is going on. The more these things make sense to us, even if we disagree with the values behind the motives, the more willing we will be to ask for help. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It is hard to admit how “off” we get when we are angry. One reason is because we often get angry for right reasons or legitimate causes. We must start Step 2 by admitting that a legitimate trigger is only the first test of righteous anger.Below are seven test questions for righteous anger taken from David Powlison’s article (bold text only) “Anger Part 1: Understanding Anger” from The Journal of Biblical Counseling (Fall 1995). The journaling tool provided in Step 3 will include these seven tests, but only use the words in parenthesis to reference each test. Your goal here is only to understand each test, so you can use them later to evaluate your anger.1.    Do you get angry about the right things? (Right Trigger)2.    Do you express anger in the right way? (Right Response)3.    How long does your anger last? (Duration)4.    How controlled is your anger? (Controlled)5.    What motivates your anger? (Motive)6.    Is your anger “primed and ready” to respond? (Primed)7.    What is the effect of your anger? (Effect) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you hear yourself in any of these statements? I’m not angry! I’m just frustrated!But if you don’t stop asking “what’s wrong” I may get angry.Why can’t I have a bad day without it being a big deal?Your family was just perfect and didn’t do conflict, so that’s why you’re so sensitive.You knew I was this way when you married me. Am I not good enough for you anymore?So you’re saying I’m just a lazy idiot and you’re life would be better off without me.[Silence] Fine! I just won’t say anything if I’m so sensitive!How many times have I told you not to do that?! Are you stupid or just don’t care?!Oh, and I guess you never make a mistake.I’m sick of being the only one who ever says “I’m sorry”You’re not going to talk me like I’m a child. I left my parents house a long time ago.Get outta of my face. Get away from me. Shut up.You’re disgusting. You’re lucky I am willing to put up with youWe’re done! It’s over! I’m finished with you! You’re dead to me!Why do you make me talk to you this way? Do you think I enjoy being angry?I don’t care who sees me or hears me. I’m mad. I’m not going to be fake about it to suit you.If you didn’t want to know what I thought, why ask questions? You’re just setting me upI’m only interrupting you because what you’re saying doesn’t make any sense.Why would you think like that? That’s just dumb!We’ll just see what happens the next time you need help from me.You needed me there at 9:00, huh? Guess I just forgot because I was so hurt from last night.I just don’t want to talk about it. You figure it out.Maybe I do. Maybe I don’t. It’s none of your business.[Looking away obviously not listening]I’m just a loner. Get away from me.I’ll try not to be such a screw and interfere with your life again.Don’t you walk away from me. We’re going to finish this conversation [blocking door]… Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

At the end of chapter 8 we began to discuss the question, “What am I living for?” That is an essential question in our grief journey. Unless we answer it, our past will remain brighter than our future, and we will be set up for despair. With a question like this, however, you will be doing most of the writing in this chapter.  The goal is that you would find things that you could engage as passionately as you engaged your loved one. This is not a form of replacement, but a necessity of enjoying life. Being passionate about something now does not in any way diminish your love for them then. In effect, you are unleashing more of what they loved in you. You can rightly imagine your loved one with God in heaven saying, “See, that is what I loved about then all along. Now they are getting more of an opportunity to impact the world with the gifts and passions You put in them. I love getting to watch them serve You in Your presence. It is glorious!” As you read through and answer the next nine questions, remember God’s patience and timing. There will be some aspects of God’s design that you can engage in immediately. But there may also be ways you want to serve God that will require you to be more mature or be equipped before you are prepared to fulfill them. The main thing is to begin to have a vision for life that involves being God’s servant and actively engaging that vision where you are currently equipped. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.