#479 - Going Cockleless, Lamb In Bed and The Elis James Clerical Universe

This show has been many things, but right now this a cockles podcast. Elis’s homecoming show in Swansea was very much tied to whether he could get cockles at breakfast which sets us off on a cockle rollercoaster. But will Dave like them?There’s also a very intense Ask Us Anything, and a 1.5 times playing of the jingle. Plus, what meat would you eat betwixt the [email protected] or 07974 293 022 on WhatsApp to tell us your preferred meat.And do remember tomorrow’s Bureau de Change of the Mind is *only* on the world beating BBC Sounds. So get blooming subscribed on there.

If there was an award given out for the ‘Most Tense Moment in the Final Round of a Game Made Up by a Listener’, then this show would win it. Fresh from their triumph at the British Podcast Awards, Elis and John look to add another trophy to the cabinet by creating a moment so contentious and dramatic that it requires the use of VAR; Voice Assisted Referee. Away from the Made Up Game hijinks there’s week-late-Ryder Cup chat, a revelatory story about the lengths a young Dave Masterman went (literally) for love, and a mystery caller in The Cymru Connection unearths some troubling memories for Elis.There’s nothing better than receiving your correspondence, so send it to [email protected] or WhatsApp the show on 07974 293 022.

It’s 3 croaky voices in the studio today because Elis and Dave have Oasised once again, and poor old John is unwell. Luckily that means a general vibe alignment is struck, but, crucially, the standards do not slip. For Elis and Dave both have tales of struggling to get out of Wembley, and John wonders which of his awards would be best suited to beating off an intruder.The other overriding question of the day is would you rather visit historical moments as a person or as a ghost? If that doesn’t provide hours of conversation for you and yours this weekend, we’re not sure what will.All this plus sexy flags (have we finally found THE sexiest flag?), John makes it into an actual cryptic crossword, and Dave faces accusations of spreading false information.If you want to offer up your own person or ghost scenarios (Elis and John recording their first ever podcast: person. John eating his first ever 100 chili fish dish: ghost), send them to [email protected], or WhatsApp the show on 07974 293 022.And remember to check out tomorrow’s Bureau de Change of the Mind, where John challenges Elis and Dave to enter the symposium and back the riff, with mixed results. Only on your friend and ours, BBC Sounds.

Having conquered the earthly plane, Elis and John are taking to the skies. Can they become the first podcast to be recorded entirely in space? Or will the anecdote well run dry too quickly?Back down on Earth there’s a debut trip to Birch Services for Johnny JR, Elis is positively giddy after the pair run round the natural sights of Llandudno, and we hear one of the greatest shame-inducing lines in a cracking Shame Well entry.Oh, and this week’s Made Up Game throws up a result rarely spotted in these parts…You the you the listener can get involved with the show, just email [email protected] or WhatsApp 07974 293 022.

It’s a huge episode for loving Britain, but more importantly it’s a huge episode for cagoules. This is the UK’s number 1 cagoule podcast, and a very special guest has got Elis barking like a waterproof dog in heat.If you’re anti-outer layers then this is not the place to be.It’s slightly lighter ground on the anecdote front as John has just written down ‘Autumn’ and Elis can’t even handle drinking two pints. A loss for James but there’s more wins for Robins in a week where he smells different for the first time since 1998.Plus we ask, "what would happen if you gave a sherbet dip dab to a pagan?"Bonus Bureau content is available on Saturday morning, only on BBC Sounds, and if you want to get on everything from parkas to perfumes it’s [email protected] or 07974 293 022 on WhatsApp.

In a life full of achievements John may have finally topped the lot. In his 5 year battle with the word game that most people stopped playing a few years ago, John has finally come out victorious. Yes, he’s Wordled in one. It’s a big day. But the main question is, did it make him happy?There’s another chapter of Elis and John’s Road To Nowhere, in which the boys are forced to think on their feet and attempt to avert disaster. The quick thinking of one of them saves the day, while Dave goes on his phone.Then it’s a classic case of a haiku-based Made Up Game and the potential unearthing of an exciting new voice in the haiku arena; watch this space!Do you have bits to send in to the show? Well get sending them in! It’s [email protected] on email, and 07974 293 022 on WhatsApp.

473 episodes in and there is still room to excavate the vast intricacies that make up the Pompeii dig of John Robins’ mind. Grab your JCB because there’s a dump truck’s worth to uncover off the back of the latest adventures from the Sad Van. And it all boils down to one thing, as the hotels John’s willing to stay in simply say so much about the man.A generic hotel brand is the vessel through which we can get to know him.Does John actually like the things that he likes? Is he a star player who performs badly if he’s pampered? Is it all about fantasy, reality, expectation and fulfillment? Is he a “lunatic” for positing made up things that could go wrong for more money? Does John want character in his life? Is shampoo being separated from shower gel too much of a luxury?And to answer all these questions we need the assistance of James Acaster, one of the More Money Than Sense Boys.Plus there’s romantic tests and more evisceration of Dave’s Parachutes vinyl. Got stuff? Then wang it over to [email protected] or 07974 293 022 on WhatsApp.

Move over Oxford Union, debating has a new home! As Elis and John towers has turned into a hotbed of discourse and deliberation. The big topics are given the respect they deserve and the order of service for today is as follows: What’s the saddest song ever written? Hotels: budget or bespoke? And finally, are baths rubbish?Aside from heated arguments about the temperature of bath water, Elis and John continue their travels around the UK, this time attempting to spot some rare geese.John tells a tale of coming perilously close to soiling one of the nation’s royal parks, there’s a self referential game to test the boys’ knowledge of themselves, and a Shame Well-er gets overly friendly with her boyfriend’s colleagues.Do you have a hot take you want to share? Email [email protected], or WhatsApp the show on 07974 293 022.

What starts off as a huge day for John (book deadline day) turns into a massive (massive it is) day for poor old Dave.As the saying goes: ‘The best laid plans of podcast producers often go awry’, and Dave’s idea for the team to record remotely gets derailed quite spectacularly by a faulty alarm system. Brace yourselves for the most stressed you will probably ever hear one of the UK’s most unflappable men.Back to John, and he tells us early on that he’s feeling ‘absolutely dreadful’. Book deadline day is taking its toll, but luckily a text from Elis’s brother-in-law lifts his spirits, as does the arrival of a record in the post for poor old stressed Dave.There’s the start of a podcast feud with No Such Thing As A Fish, chat about successfully bartering with a supermarket, and the introduction of a new jingle that wouldn’t be out of place on Lou Reed’s Transformer.Get in touch via the usual channels: it’s [email protected] on the email, and 07974 293 022 on the WhatsApp.

The boys have been busy bees recently and the show’s in danger of turning into a Michael Palin travelogue. Elis has returned from France and regales us with stories of visits to ex-military factories, intense chats with German families and Isy’s attempts at speaking French.Then it’s time for the first instalment of Elis and John’s Road to Nowhere, where your favourite podcast hosts drive around the country for no apparent reason other than to visit their valued family members. They’ve clipped on their mics (much to Elis’s embarrassment) and invited us onto the tour bus. Expect travel-based badinage and a whole lot of service station chat. Radio 4, are you listening?Back in the studio and on bum-based terra firma, Elis has gone up a pant size because of his ever-growing behind, whereas John’s seems to be ageing beyond his years.Why not spend your free time penning a witty missive to your favourite podcast? Send emails to [email protected] or it’s 07974 293 022 on WhatsApp.