Live with Sue Reid

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This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

Thank you, Evergreen Essence Forest, Muyiwa Adedeji, and everyone else who tuned in to my live video with Firas Maraby! Join me for my next live video in the app.Firas is a health and wellbeing coach with 18 years experience in the industry. He fuses mental and physical fitness with nutrition.Firas has written a guest post for me this week. Look out for that on Thursday.Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is the final post in October’s Self-Respect theme.Week 1 - You Don’t Have to Love Yourself to Respect YourselfWeek 2 - It Took a While to Realise All the Ways I had Abandoned MyselfWeek 3 - You Don’t Need Anyone’s Permission to Respect YourselfWeek 4 - When Self-Respect Becomes a Way of LifeAt the beginning of October, I suggested that you don’t have to love yourself to respect yourself.You don’t need to feel wonderful or think you have everything figured out if that doesn’t feel true right now. Instead, you can realise you matter and start making small changes that reflect that.We have explored what self-respect looks like, how we abandon ourselves, how we let others treat us, and what happens when self-respect becomes part of everyday life.How can you recognise that your self-respect is growing?We may believe we deserve respect, but we don’t always act that way.So, a good question to ask yourself is:Do my actions align with the person I believe deserves respect?For a long time, my answer would have been no.These days, I respect myself because I realise I matter as much as anyone else.So, to finish off our October series, here are five things I’ve noticed that people with healthy self-respect tend to do differently.#1. They don’t beat themselves up when things go wrongPeople with healthy self-respect take responsibility for their mistakes. They don’t get defensive or try to shift the blame. They accept they have messed up, but they don’t beat themselves up about it. Instead, they learn from it.I used to call myself stupid every time I made a mistake. I never realised I was chipping away at my self-trust each time I said it.We are conditioned to believe we should always get things right. At school, teachers often mark wrong answers in red ink. We often believe that if we make a mistake, we will be humiliated and embarrassed, and end up feeling ashamed. We grow up with this inner fear of rejection if we get something wrong.The thing is, no one gets through life without making a mistake. It is part of being human, and it is how we learn and grow.It’s important to remember that a mistake is something you did, not who you are.People with healthy self-respect recognise that distinction. They take responsibility, make things right where they can, and learn from the experience without turning it into self-criticism.How to use thisTalk to yourself as you would to a good friend. If your friend tells you they have made a mistake and are feeling bad about it, you wouldn’t call them stupid or useless. So stop doing that to yourself.Look at how you can put it right and what you can learn for next time.#2. They communicate their boundaries without excessive explanationThey understand that saying no does not make them unkind or selfish.Self-respect isn’t just how you feel about yourself; it’s how you show up in the world. That does not always come naturally. For most of us, setting boundaries and saying no brings a lot of discomfort.We set a boundary, and the person pushes back. We start to feel uncomfortable, so we either over-explain or give in.This might ease the discomfort in that moment, but it won’t last. Later, we start to worry about whether that was the right thing to do.With healthy self-respect, you set boundaries and stick to them. You don’t feel the urge to over-explain yourself. You may still feel uncomfortable or guilty, but you recognise that those feelings don’t necessarily mean you’ve made the wrong decision.You can be considerate of another person’s needs without automatically putting them above your own.That doesn’t mean always saying no or putting yourself first, though.Sometimes we choose to put another person’s needs ahead of our own because it’s the kind and loving thing to do.The difference is that we make that choice freely, rather than out of fear, guilt, or a need for approval.How to use thisNext time you say no to something and start to feel that discomfort, ask yourself:Am I making this decision because I genuinely want to, or because I’m afraid of how the other person will react if I don’t?#3. They make decisions based on their values, not other people’s expectationsThey listen to advice but don’t automatically abandon their judgement. They consider their needs and act in ways that align with their values.That doesn’t mean you never ask for help or seek another opinion. Sometimes we are unsure of the best option. Self-respect means taking responsibility for your decisions. You listen, consider your options, and choose what feels most aligned with your values and circumstances. If new information comes along, you can change your mind without seeing it as a failure.You may not always get it right, but as in example #1, you learn from it and use the information to move on.How to use thisThe questions to ask yourself here are:Is this decision truly my own, or am I doing what I’m expected to do?Is this decision aligned with my values, with what matters to me?#4. They choose relationships where respect goes both waysThey don’t expect everyone to agree with them, but they value mutual consideration and honesty.Looking back, I can see how one-sided some of my relationships were. I often accepted behaviour that hurt me because I didn’t believe I deserved anything better.Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, where both people can express their feelings and opinions without fear of being belittled or humiliated. Both parties matter.You can love someone deeply and still disagree with them.But there is a difference between accepting someone’s right to a different opinion and accepting behaviour that consistently undermines your dignity.When you respect yourself, you recognise that difference.You stop believing that maintaining a relationship is always more important than how you are treated within it.How to use thisTwo questions to keep in mind:Can I be myself in this relationship without feeling that I have to make myself smaller?When we disagree, do we still treat each other with kindness and respect?#5. They keep promises to themselvesThey take their needs and commitments seriously while allowing flexibility when life changes.People with healthy self-respect take their commitments seriously.If they decide to do something that matters to them, they follow through.Not because they have to prove their worth, but because their time, needs and intentions matter too.Think about how you feel when someone repeatedly promises to do something for you and then lets you down. Eventually, you stop trusting their promises.Something similar can happen in our relationship with ourselves.We promise to start exercising, take time for ourselves, work on a project, or change a habit. But other things keep taking priority, and we set our own commitments aside.Over time, we may begin to doubt our ability to follow through.Self-respect means treating your commitments with the same care you would give a promise to someone you care about.That doesn’t mean being rigid.Sometimes life changes, circumstances intervene, or we realise a commitment no longer serves us.We can adjust our plans without abandoning ourselves.The aim isn’t perfect consistency. It’s becoming someone you know you can rely on.How to use thisMake one small promise to yourself this week that feels realistic and meaningful.It might be taking a daily walk, spending fifteen minutes on a project, or giving yourself some uninterrupted time to rest.If circumstances change, consciously decide how to adjust your commitment.Then notice how it feels to take your own promises seriously.Building self-respect and much moreSmall changes often seem insignificant, but they are not. Every time you choose yourself, you are building not only self-respect but also self-trust and self-confidence.You don’t have to love yourself before you can begin treating yourself with respect.You can start with one small way of treating yourself as if you matter.Gradually, those small choices… This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

Thank you Melin Talks Story 🌺, Saira Anwar, and many others for tuning into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is the fourth post in October’s Self-Respect theme.Week 1 - You Don’t Have to Love Yourself to Respect YourselfWeek 2 - It Took a While to Realise All the Ways I had Abandoned MyselfWeek 3 - You Don’t Need Anyone’s Permission to Respect YourselfWhen I committed to rebuilding my confidence, I needed to confront the shame I carried.My life felt like a mess. I was drinking too much, moving through unhealthy relationships, and making choices that left me feeling worse about myself. I carried an enormous amount of shame.When you don’t believe you’re a good person, it’s hard to treat yourself with the kindness and respect you deserve.I started a mirror exercise I learned from motivational speaker Lisa Nichols. Every morning, I looked at my reflection and spoke to myself with as much compassion as I could muster, as if talking to a dear friend. I repeated twenty-one sentences in total, divided into seven things I was proud of, seven I forgave myself for, and seven I would now commit to.* 1. I am proud of myself for… seven things.* 2. I forgive myself for…seven things.* 3. I commit to… seven things.I addressed myself by name each time while looking in the mirror. If I couldn’t think of anything new, I repeated things I had said before.This exercise was really hard. At first, it was difficult to find things to be proud of. I started with small things. I am proud that I drank a glass of water this morning for my health. That was enough to begin.The hardest part was forgiveness. I cried almost every time. But as I kept practising, something gradually began to soften.The words became easier, and the tears turned to compassion. Then the day came when I looked in the mirror and simply said, ‘I love you.’For nearly thirty years, I have told my reflection that I love her.Looking back, I can see I was learning to recognise my worth, forgive my mistakes, and take responsibility for how I treated myself.I stopped reminding myself to respect myself; I just did. It became who I am.What changes with self-respect?It becomes naturalAs we have explored self-respect this month, I have mentioned using the question, “What would I do if I loved and respected myself?” as a guide.With practice, you may find yourself asking the question less often. You begin making choices that reflect your self-respect without having to consciously remind yourself.Saying no without overthinkingAt first, you probably stumble over your words. Sometimes you mean to say no, but yes still slips out before you can stop it.Then one day you can say no without any accompanying anguish or guilt. You may still feel uncomfortable sometimes, but the discomfort no longer automatically changes your decision.You don’t need to prove you are kindWhen self-respect becomes part of your identity, you no longer need to prove your goodness by constantly giving, helping or agreeing.You can care about someone else’s happiness without making yourself responsible for it.Some people won’t always understand the change in you, and that’s okay. You have learned to be comfortable with it.Your relationship with yourself improvesSelf-respect improves your relationship with yourself. You know you are not perfect. You still make mistakes, have bad days, and slip back into bad habits.You can acknowledge a mistake, take responsibility, and move forward without attacking your character.Perfection is never the goal. The aim is to accept yourself and care enough about yourself to treat yourself right.Self-respect becomes something you return to, rather than something you have to earn anew.Living in alignmentWhen you respect yourself, your decisions increasingly reflect what matters to you.You become more aware of the people, activities and environments that support your wellbeing.You might notice something unexpected, as I did. Life hasn’t necessarily become easier, but living it feels less like a struggle against yourself.Self-respect and self-compassionJust this week, I made a mistake. I added twice as much water as I should have to my bread pre-ferment. Not so long ago, I would have thrown it straight in the bin and started again, berating myself for making a stupid mistake and wasting flour.I left it as it was. The next morning, I adjusted the water for the final dough and carried on. It turned out well. Very tasty, in fact.I made a mistake, adjusted my approach, and carried on. I didn’t self-criticise, get frustrated, or question my ability to bake bread.Nearly thirty years ago, when I stood in front of the mirror, I struggled to find even one thing to be proud of. I had to consciously remind myself to be kind and respectful to myself.Today, I don’t even think about it.The self-respect I once had to practise is now how I live.Growth isn’t about never making mistakes or never struggling with life. Growth is about not turning against ourselves when we do.Where to next?I have refreshed and updated my ‘About’ page this week. Take a look here: Link to About pageDo you have questions about self-respect? Leave a comment, reply to the email or DM me.Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is the third post in October’s Self-Respect theme.Week 1 - You Don’t Have to Love Yourself to Respect YourselfWeek 2 - It Took a While to Realise All the Ways I had Abandoned Myself“How many Christmas cards have you had?”That’s a very simple question, so why did it make me feel so uncomfortable?At the time, it was normal for people to send Christmas cards to family and friends. They also gave them to colleagues at the office.Maybe Angela asked everyone that question because she saw it as a popularity contest. Lots of cards meaning lots of friends? Who knows? I don’t because I never asked. I kept quiet, stayed small and dreaded going to the branch.What might seem like an innocent everyday question made me feel inadequate.Being asked about Christmas cards felt like being asked how many friends I had. I was still gripped by an old belief that I wasn’t interesting, so people didn’t like me. I was still struggling with social anxiety.The first time, I replied with a number. She told me smugly she had more than that. It shouldn’t have been a big deal, but she asked me again the following week.Looking back, I wish I had known that I didn’t have to prove how popular I was or justify myself by answering that question, no matter how innocent it might have been.You don’t need to earn respectThe only thing I was ever taught about respect is that you had to earn it. People will only respect you if you earn it. I no longer believe that.Everyone deserves basic respect. However, we do not have to prove that we are worthy of kindness, consideration or dignity.When you know that you have nothing to prove to anyone, you realise that you only need to respect yourself. No one ever told me that.You don’t need to enforce it by being rude or aggressive, either. I have tried that; it doesn’t work. The most powerful self-respect is quiet and natural, because you believe in your self-worth.As your self-respect grows, you become more comfortable communicating what is and isn’t acceptable to you. You stop feeling the need to explain or justify every decision. You develop a quiet presence that comes from knowing your own worth.Presence is a quiet power.The more you respect yourself, the more others will see you as someone worth respecting. They know where they stand with you.We are conditioned to believe we need people to be comfortable around us. We often let ourselves feel uncomfortable so others feel comfortable.Building healthy self-respect is part of building a quiet but powerful confidence. It’s not about control, but inner steadiness.As I talked about in last week’s post, It Took a While to Realise All the Ways I had Abandoned Myself, self-respect begins with the small ways we choose to stop abandoning ourselves.Then you communicate your limits by setting healthy boundaries.Interacting with othersWhen you set a healthy boundary, you are letting people know what you do and don’t allow from them. Boundaries do not have to be rigid; they can change depending on who you are with. You are probably happy to be hugged by a close friend, but maybe not by a complete stranger.Sometimes a boundary is as simple as telling a friend that you can’t meet for coffee because you need some time to yourself. You don’t have to invent an excuse or feel guilty for needing that time.It might be politely declining to work late at the office or not taking on someone else’s work to ‘help them catch up.’You might find it difficult to disagree with someone you care about. But having your own opinion won’t threaten a good relationship.Setting boundaries also includes knowing what you will do when that limit isn’t respected. We can’t always control another person’s behaviour, but we can choose our response.After years of being someone’s verbal punching bag, I no longer tolerate attacks on my character. Feedback is fine; rudeness and aggression are not. I walk away from those conversations. I don’t argue; I tell the person that I am not happy with being spoken to that way. I don’t need to explain myself; it’s a quiet refusal to be treated badly.If I say no to something I don’t want, I only need to explain myself if I feel it’s necessary. If the person is unhappy or disappointed, that is not my fault.I no longer abandon myself to keep the peace. I speak up, say no, and I handle the hard conversations.Responding to AngelaHow would I handle that question now?I would probably smile and say, “I have had a few.”That’s all I would need to say.Maybe Angela received more than I did. That would be nice, as it clearly meant something to her. Neither of us needs to feel uncomfortable.Someone might wonder how something as trivial as a question about Christmas cards can be upsetting. For me, at the time, it was a trigger unrelated to the question.This matters because our feelings are always okay. A trigger is information that tells us something needs addressing.Self-respect has not made me selfish or aggressive. It has made me a person who can hold her head up and say what needs to be said. Not loud, just quiet and respectful of the other person.Where to next?Having healthy self-respect is part of living in alignment with your true self. I have spent years rebuilding my shattered confidence and self-esteem. Now I know who I am. If this interests you, you might like this post The Day You Stop Thinking About Alignment, and It Becomes a Way of LifeMuch loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is the second post in October’s Self-Respect theme.Week 1 - You Don’t Have to Love Yourself to Respect YourselfI always treat myself with love and kindness. It is one of my rules.Years ago, after the final of three abusive relationships ended, I made a commitment not to let anyone treat me badly again.That commitment had to include me.One of the difficult questions I needed to ask myself when I started rebuilding my confidence was this:If someone you loved were living the life you live and treating themselves the way you treat yourself, how would you feel for them?Would you want something better for them?I had been moving from one bad relationship to another for years. I felt used and ashamed. I realised this was about more than rebuilding my confidence; it was about rebuilding my life too.So, I started making small changes to my life, all based on love, kindness and gratitude.Every small decision came with the question,‘What would I do if I loved and respected myself?’Previously, I would check everything I thought and did against the question,‘Is this good enough?’One question asked me to prove my worth. The other assumed I already had it.Gradually, the hard edges I had built around me softened, and my heart opened again. By the time I met the man who would become my husband, I was beginning to understand that a loving relationship shouldn’t require me to abandon myself.How we abandon ourselvesAre you on the list of people you care about?Often, when asked, people readily list the people they care about but leave themselves off. We can be reluctant to care for ourselves, fearing others will think we are selfish.We tend to measure our worth by how much we do for others. Most people are naturally kind and compassionate, and that is great. But sometimes we take it too far, and it chips away at our self-worth.When we believe acceptance depends on behaving in the ‘right’ way, we start to act in ways we think will make us more likeable. This can lead to people-pleasing, seeking external validation, and forming unhealthy relationships.We form an unspoken agreement: ‘If you are comfortable with me, then I must be okay.’* We say yes when we mean no.* We stay quiet rather than risk a disagreement.* We change ourselves depending on who we are with.* We tolerate behaviour we know isn’t right.* We ignore our needs because someone else’s needs feel more important.We abandon our true selves and stay small so we will fit in. Then we think people will love and accept us. All that happens is that we lose respect for ourselves.We send ourselves the message, ‘I don’t matter.’We do matterWhen I didn’t respect myself, I found it much harder to recognise when other people weren’t respecting me.This was part of how I walked blindly into those abusive relationships. I was seeking love when I didn’t yet know how to protect my own worth.I was living in a vicious circle where I looked for love, didn’t get it, so I looked for love even harder.I realised the ways I had been abandoning myself. Staying in toxic relationships, drinking too much, and allowing people to treat me badly. But I also realised it happens in much smaller ways. Every time we silence ourselves, ignore our needs, make ourselves smaller, or become someone else to keep another person comfortable, we leave a little bit of ourselves behind.Self-respect is choosing to stop doing that.What I learned is that we don’t have to make people feel comfortable around us. We don’t have to be ‘acceptable’ or ‘fit in’.When you learn to be yourself, you can show up everywhere as that person. When you do, you notice people respect you. That doesn’t necessarily mean everyone likes you. The difference is that you like yourself. That becomes what matters most.You don’t need to show up as anyone other than yourself. No part of you needs to be hidden. It’s so refreshing to realise you have nothing to hide and nothing to prove to anyone, because you matter. That’s not selfish; it’s honest.We go deeper into these themes and how to master confidence and self-belief in our Confidence Circle. These are hour-long sessions held three times every month. It has been my pleasure to watch the members grow together and support each other. If you are interested in joining a warm and supportive group, get in touch. Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

Our theme for October is Self-Respect.“I don’t know if I love myself.”I have heard that many times from clients.There was a time when I already knew my answer.I didn’t love myself. I didn’t think I was a nice person.I got into bad relationships, drank too much and didn’t take proper care of myself.Was that how you treat someone you love?Today, my answer is very different. I love myself. I know I am a good person. I have good relationships and take care of myself.But I didn’t reach that place by deciding to love myself. That wasn’t the first step.When I committed to building my confidence, something else began to change too. I didn’t consciously think, I am worthy of this effort. But perhaps some part of me was beginning to believe it.I started to believe that I matter, and that’s how I began to treat myself. Treating myself as someone who matters helped me to feel love for myself.Sometimes we discover our value through how we treat ourselves. Sometimes another person reflects it back to us first.A small act of kindnessI once heard a story about a man who had experienced homelessness and addiction. I don’t remember all the details now, but one part of his story has stayed with me. I can’t recall his name, so let’s call him Bill.Bill watched people walk by every day as he sat holding a piece of cardboard with the word ‘Homeless’.It hurt him that most people walked past as if he were invisible. A few might drop some change into his bowl, but they never spoke. Bill longed for connection and to be seen as a fellow man. Instead, most people turned away, even crossing the street.One day, a man who had just walked straight past him suddenly turned around and walked back. The man offered to buy him a meal. It was just a simple burger and fries, but after eating out of garbage bins, it must have tasted heavenly.After the meal, the man gave him some money, enough for the next day’s meal. He wished him luck and walked away. A few days later, the man returned to check on him. No one had ever done that before. Bill felt something shift inside him. This man wasn’t just being kind and then moving on without ever considering him again. He cared enough to come back. It tugged at a thread of hope in Bill.The stranger didn’t tell Bill to clean himself up, get a job, or even to stop drinking. Instead, as he left, he said four words. You have value, brother.After that, the story goes, Bill checked into rehab.He had done so several times before, only to relapse each time. This time, he had a reason to succeed. Someone had given him value, and he held on to it.What stayed with me wasn’t the meal or the money. It was that someone had stopped to treat a homeless addict as though he mattered, and then, importantly, had come back to see him again.Someone else saw his value as a man before he could see it himself. The stranger couldn’t give Bill value; only Bill could. The act of kindness, of letting Bill know he had been seen, was the nudge Bill needed.Believe that you matterSelf-respect doesn’t have to begin with believing you are worthy. It can begin with doing something that shows you might be.Asking someone to love themselves for who they are when they are struggling to see themselves as worthy can be hard. It may even reinforce their lack of self-worth, making them feel like a failure. Well-meaning people tell them they just need to love themselves, yet they can’t even do that.Maybe a better question would be, ‘Can you do something to show yourself that you matter?’Self-respect is a way to learn to love ourselves.When loving yourself feels too hard, you might manage to do one small thing for yourself.* Eat something nourishing even when you can’t be bothered.* Go outside for ten minutes.* Keep one small promise you made to yourself.* Rest without making yourself earn it first.* Say no to something you don’t have the capacity for.* Notice when you are speaking harshly to yourself, and stop.* Ask for help when you need it.* Do one thing today that makes tomorrow a little easier.* Tell yourself that today has been a good day when it has.* Yes, sometimes self-care can be as simple as a warm bubble bath!Do one small thing to show yourself that you do matter. One small act of kindness shown to yourself. That could even be stopping something you are doing.This is self-respect.Start where you are and do one small thing that shows you matter. Move forward from there.Thank you for reading. I appreciate that and your comments. I believe that people don’t necessarily need a dramatic reinvention. They need ways to begin hearing themselves again above the noise. Maybe a good question to ask yourself is, "Does the way I'm living reflect what matters to me.” Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe