Cling No More

Trying to control someone is not the same as loving or caring for them. True compassion respects autonomy; it does not try to engineer outcomes. So, do not exhaust yourself trying to change what is not yours to fix. Peace comes from accepting what is, keeping in mind that acceptance does not mean approval, it simply means recognizing what is within our control, and gently releasing what is not.

Don't ignore the past, but don't cling to it, either. We are not what has happened in our lives, nor anything we have done, we are who we choose to become today. The Buddhist concept of Non-attachment is not about erasing who we were, it's about not being confined by it.

Imagine the inner-peace that comes from no longer trying to convince anyone of anything. What would happen if you choose NOT to argue? The mantra that keeps me silent 99% of the time is "The only thing I know for certain is that I don't know anything for certain, so I don't argue with anyone about anything, I just listen." Prioritizing inner-peace means diligently and consistently overriding the ego's desire to prove itself superior. As Wayne Dyer said, "Do you want to be kind, or do you want to be right?"

To avoid being self-obsessed and desperately seeking the approval of others, Buddhism invites us to remain focused on WHO we are (our character), and be less concerned with WHAT we are (our identity and all the labels we wear). Egocentric identities are performative and outwardly expressive in order to be noticed, recognized, and praised, while your character isn't loud, it isn't censored, filtered, or polished to imitate perfection, because it doesn't seek attention. Your character can't be labeled, photographed, or quantified. Character is what's left after you lose everything that can be lost. Character is who we are in the dark 🙏

To practice the timeliness of mindful speech, I personally use the W.A.I.T acronym, which stands for "Why Am I Talking?" It serves as a reminder to pause before speaking. WAIT can also stand for Why Am I Texting? Why Am I Troubled? Or Why Am I Triggered? I've learned the hard way that speaking even the most true and kind words can create conflict if the person speaking them or hearing them is not in their right frame of mind.

We all have bind spots, and I was recently made aware of one of my own. Since I'm committed to being honest and transparent, it's important that I not only share my "Ah-ha Moments" with you, but also my "Oh-oh Moments" when I fail to see things clearly. I thought exclusivity was the same as discriminatory, but now, thanks to you, I see how my own point of view was limited because of a blind spot. Thank you for walking beside me on this journey, even when I slip and fall. I appreciate you.

The reason we frequently argue, fight, and get so easily frustrated, is not because we don't understand each other, it's because we think we can. Even people who go through seemingly identical experiences emerge completely different on the other side. So, if it's inner-peace you are after, start by accepting that although empathy and compassion go a long way, you can't truly understand anyone else no matter how hard you try. Nobody is capable of seeing the full picture from anyone else's point-of-view. So, instead of making ourselves miserable by constantly trying to do the impossible, we can let go of our perceived "need" to know, and just let the mystery be.

Are you brave enough to see yourself without any of the masks you wear at work, at church, on social media, or wherever you claim to have moral standards and beliefs to which your behavior doesn't actually conform? Of the twenty or so obstacles on the spiritual path, hypocrisy may be the hardest to face, but it's the easiest to overcome. Eliminating the internal conflict of claiming to be one thing but being another is how we bring what we think, say, and do, into harmonious alignment. Without it, life can be unbearable, and true happiness unattainable. At least be brave enough to listen and think about it. Authenticity is both terrifying and liberating at the same time. As Kurt Cobain said, "I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not."

Even when we can't control our thoughrts, we can still control the quality of our thoughts. And since we are more deeply affected by our thoughts than by experiences, it's important to learn how our fascinating minds work.

Feeling overwhelmed is not a reason to overreact or act in a way that isn't in line with your core values. If you don't know what to do, it's okay to say "I don't know what to do," and perhaps all the reason to postpone doing anything until you have more clarity. With enough time, your core principles and moral compass help you find true north, the middle path, and peace with whatever decision you make.