371: People pleasing is ruining your sex life with Darshana Avila

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Darshana Avila (featured on Netflix’s Sex, Love & Goop) about “erotic wholeness,” defined as integrating all parts of ourselves and relating to eroticism as life-force vitality that can fuel sexuality, creativity, and relationships. They explore how people-pleasing functions as a protective strategy—suppressing authenticity to maintain connection—and how it undermines both pleasure and intimacy. In long-term relationships, this often appears as partners (often women in heterosexual dynamics) not knowing what they like, feeling shame about needs such as taking longer to warm up, or fearing rejection for expressing desires. They discuss sexual scripts, shame, disappointment tolerance, consent (including Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent), and practical steps: identify people-pleasing, work with fear/scarcity, clarify authentic desires and boundaries, and build communication skills with professional and relational support.00:00 Show Introduction00:49 Meet Darshana Avila01:51 Her Path to This Work03:26 Erotic Wholeness Defined06:18 Choiceful Self Leadership07:32 People Pleasing Explained09:08 How It Shows Up in Sex12:41 Owning Desire Without Shame15:16 Rewriting the Sex Script18:19 Mid Episode Quiz Break18:47 Mutuality Helps Both Partners19:38 Mutual Desire Basics20:24 People Pleasing Blocks Intimacy21:26 Building Disappointment Tolerance22:18 Shame Spirals and Meaning23:03 Dont Yuck the Yum23:38 Golden Shower Lesson24:42 Responding with Gratitude25:19 Finding the Venn Overlap27:19 Consent and the No28:36 No as a Pivot29:36 First Steps to Change33:08 Vulnerability as Litmus Test35:47 Support and Where to Find Her36:55 Podcast Wrap UpMy quizzes can be found at https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio:Darshana Avila is a trauma-informed somatic educator, practitioner and international speaker who helps people reconnect with the most essential aspects of themselves — their truth, their desires, and their capacity for profound pleasure and power. Known for her grounded, candid, and relational approach, she bridges the worlds of embodiment, emotional intelligence, and personal agency with depth and accessibility.Darshana’s work has been featured on Netflix’s Sex, Love & goop, The Guardian, The New Yorker, and numerous leading podcasts.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this soapbox episode of The Better Sex Podcast, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman discusses the power of staying positive by questioning the stories and interpretations our brains create. She explains how people often react to filtered, meaning-filled perceptions rather than reality, then reinforce negative narratives—especially in relationships—by focusing on blame, hopelessness, and how stuck things feel. Jess argues this mindset is inaccurate, disempowering, and self-sabotaging because it shapes how we show up with our partners and invites defensiveness, conflict, or withdrawal. She encourages listeners to develop skepticism about their interpretations, broaden perspective, and choose thoughts and emotions that feel better and create more possibility. By focusing on what’s on “your side of the court,” including how you feel, think, and act, you can change the relational dynamic and move toward the connection you want.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:44 Soapbox Episode Setup01:55 Why Stories Trap Us03:35 The Cost of Negative Narratives05:19 Challenge Your Interpretation07:18 Control Your Side07:42 Invitation to Shift Mindset08:12 Outro and CreditsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Mandy Salley of the Woodhull Foundation about sexual freedom as a human right rooted in bodily autonomy and the ability to say yes or no. Mandy shares how peer sex education in college, graduate training in social work and human sexuality, and years volunteering with Woodhull led to her advocacy work blending sexuality, policy, and activism. They discuss how shame-based sex education limits curiosity and knowledge, and how free speech and online censorship affect sexual health information. Mandy outlines Woodhull’s current policy work, including opposing a proposed South Carolina abortion ban, Colorado’s trans bathroom ban, and state age-verification laws that threaten privacy and data security. She also notes concerns about intersex medical interventions and gender-affirming care bans. The episode ends with practical ways to get involved locally and how to find Woodhull’s resources.00:00 Show Intro00:56 Meet Mandy Sally01:52 Her Path to Woodhull06:17 Sex Ed Gaps and Shame09:50 Defining Sexual Freedom11:06 Censorship and Algo Speak13:12 Quick Quiz Break13:39 US vs Global Perspectives17:02 Woodhull Policy Priorities18:20 Age Verification and Privacy22:46 Intersex and Care Bans23:51 How to Get Involved26:42 Find Woodhull Resources28:55 Closing and CreditsTake my quizzes at https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio:Mandy Salley brings her passion for social justice and love for humanity to the Woodhull Freedom Foundation as its Chief Operations Officer (COO). Since 2014 when she first served as a volunteer coordinator, Mandy plays an integral role at Woodhull, now managing its day-to-day operations and community efforts – from its Human Rights Commissions to the monthly Censorship of Sexual Freedom Series. Mandy is also a licensed Social Worker and has experience in inpatient hospitals, geriatric day programs, and rape crises. She is based in Brooklyn, NY.www.woodhullfoundation.orgWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this soapbox episode of the Better Sex Podcast, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explains why some couples may benefit from a couples intensive instead of weekly or biweekly therapy. She describes limits of short, spaced-out sessions—often spent catching up or addressing the latest conflict—and how real emotional breakthroughs can require uninterrupted time for nervous systems to settle, vulnerability to emerge, and old patterns to loosen. Jessa outlines how intensives provide extended, immersive hours that allow couples to stay in the process long enough to repair ruptures and gain a clearer “balcony view” of their dynamics while practicing new behaviors with in-the-moment support. She also discusses the potential for ethically guided altered-state work—specifically mentioning MDMA and psilocybin training—to reduce fear-based defenses, increase empathy, and enable difficult conversations without typical shutdown or blame. Jessa shares who might consider an intensive (repeating conflicts, unresolved rupture, separation decisions, or a desire for deeper connection) and who should not (abuse, an unwilling partner, or severe mental health issues). She emphasizes intensives are a significant investment of time, money, and energy—often 6–10 hours—but can be transformative when regular therapy hasn’t created enough traction.00:00 Show Intro00:46 Why Consider Intensives01:07 Limits of Weekly Therapy02:22 How Intensives Work03:24 Breaking Old Patterns04:23 Insight Into Action05:05 Altered State Options05:50 MDMA and Psilocybin06:21 What Changes in Session07:32 Who Should Consider It08:01 When Not Recommended08:44 Cost and Commitment09:13 Wrap Up and CreditsWant to learn more? Visit https://www.heartweaveforcouples.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Jessa Zimmerman interviews Jillian Wisborg, founder of Booby Grow, about a natural breast growth and firming program combining herbal supplementation, breast/nipple massage, and nutrition changes. Jillian shares that she created the program after losing weight and losing breast volume, and wanted an alternative to implants due to cost, maintenance, and reported health issues. She explains her background studying herbal medicine, how she researched plant compounds and breast health, and how her formulation evolved through trials into a lifestyle-based approach when some participants needed adequate calories and fat intake for results. The conversation covers what breasts are made of, the role of healthy fats, circulation, and estrogen receptors, and why the program emphasizes daily massage and specific herbs. They discuss broader effects some users report (without official claims), cautions around pregnancy and cancer, and an explanation of different estrogen sources including xenoestrogens and phytoestrogens. 00:00 Welcome to the Better Sex Podcast (Show Intro)00:44 Meet Jillian Wisborg & Booby Grow: Natural Breast Firming/Growth Overview01:34 Jillian’s Origin Story: Weight Loss, Losing Breast Volume & Avoiding Implants05:57 From Herbal Medicine to a Formula: Researching Plant Compounds & Early Trials10:10 Breast Biology 101: Fat, Circulation, Massage & Estrogen Receptors12:55 Beyond Breast Size: Other Reported Benefits + Who Shouldn’t Use It14:44 Safety Talk: Estrogen, Xenoestrogens vs Phytoestrogens & Cancer Concerns19:16 Is This for the Male Gaze? Choice, Body Autonomy & Postpartum Clients21:46 Dragons’ Den/Shark Tank Experience: Pitching Booby Grow & Calls for Studies25:31 How the Program Works: 4-Month Plan, Guarantee, Results & Maintenance28:25 Where to Find Jillian + Final Wrap-UpInterested in resources to bridge desire discrepancy? Go to https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio: I’m Jillian Wisborg — a Herbalist, Registered Nutritionist, and Clinical Iridoloist who’s been rooted in the holistic health world since 2009.Jillian had her company Boobygrow recently featured on the show Dragon’s Den & is taking the world by storm to enrich the masses on education of herbalism for vitality. Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this soapbox episode of The Better Sex Podcast, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman responds to a coaching-call question: whether to tell a partner when you’ve taken Viagra. She describes a client who has a prescription, experiences no negative side effects, and has been taking the medication without telling his wife to avoid creating pressure or expectations for sex. Jessa explains that Viagra helps maintain an erection rather than automatically causing one, so taking it without having sex isn’t inherently harmful, but guessing can lead to mismatches—sometimes he’s prepared and sometimes he isn’t—potentially leaving his wife confused or personalizing inconsistent erections. She suggests considering a daily medication like Cialis for more spontaneity and encourages an honest conversation that leads with the intention to avoid pressure, clarifies there are no adverse effects if sex doesn’t happen, and invites the partner into shared decision-making, including the option for the partner to initiate by suggesting he take a pill if she’s interested in sex. She closes by encouraging listeners to communicate in ways that reduce pressure while increasing collaboration and connection.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex (Podcast Intro)00:45 Soapbox Topic: Should You Tell Your Partner You Took Viagra?01:35 The Real Issue: Guessing, Mixed Signals & Partner Anxiety02:08 Quick Viagra Myth-Busting: What It Does (and Doesn’t) Do03:31 Practical Options: Daily Cialis vs. Planning Ahead03:55 How to Bring It Up Without Creating Pressure05:01 Invite Your Partner In: Shared Decision-Making & Desire Signals05:59 Wrap-Up: Communicate About ED Meds as a Team06:18 Outro, Links, Reviews & CreditsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of The Better Sex Podcast, host Jessa Zimmerman speaks with Candace Sjogren about the intricacies and common mistakes involved in polyamory, as addressed in Sjogren’s book, 'Polyagony'. They discuss personal experiences, motivations behind polyamorous relationships, and essential strategies for maintaining healthy open relationships. The conversation touches on setting boundaries, ethical non-monogamy, agreements, and navigating the dynamics of multiple partners, including poly parenting. Sjogren emphasizes the importance of communication, consent, and the continuous evolution of relationship agreements.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast00:49 Guest Introduction: Candace Sjogren on Polyamory01:25 Candace's Personal Journey with Polyamory02:13 Challenges and Advocacy in Polyamorous Relationships03:34 The Rise of Ethical Non-Monogamy07:09 Defining Ethical Non-Monogamy08:33 Common Mistakes in Open Relationships12:42 Forming Agreements in Open Relationships16:43 Exploring Hopes and Fears in Relationships16:59 The Importance of Moving at the Slowest Pace17:30 Maintaining Relationship Cadence18:02 Invitation to Share Personal Stories18:31 Dealing with Stagnation in Relationships20:19 Understanding Consent Within and Outside the Couple22:26 Navigating the Role of a Hinge in Polyamory25:04 Challenges of Poly Parenting28:31 Group Dynamics in Polyamory30:12 Conclusion and ResourcesIf you want to share your story on the show, email us at [email protected]: Candace Sjogren is a lawyer, entrepreneur, and transformational leader whose work spans finance, technology, and human development. Born in Cincinnati, Ohio, she graduated from the Salmon P. Chase College of Law and practiced law before founding and leading multiple mission-driven companies. She served as CEO of Bad Girl Ventures, a microfinance firm investing in female founders, and later founded Somolend, one of the first nationally available crowdfunding platforms. Through this work, Candace played a key role in shaping the JOBS Act, the legislation that made securities-based crowdfunding legal in the United States.Over the past fifteen years, Candace has served in senior executive and C-suite roles across venture-backed startups and global payments companies, including Chief Commercial Officer of Lynx, a healthcare payments company, and Senior Vice President of Embedded Finance at FIS, a global payments firm with more than 66,000 employees. She is also the former co-author of Typhoon Honey: The Only Way Out Is Through, a book on emotional intelligence and transformational growth. Today, Candace leads The Liberation Company, where she facilitates emotional intelligence, somatic healing, and identity-based workshops designed to support deep personal and collective transformation. She lives on Cape Cod, Massachusetts, with her husband Andrew, their son Ivar, and their two dogs, Pan and Cinder.Website: https://www.polyagony.com YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@candacesjogren7056Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/insidethemindofcandaceklein/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/candacesjogren/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/candace.klein/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman discusses the challenges of setting quotas for sexual frequency in relationships. She shares insights from a recent coaching call, emphasizing that focusing on frequency can often lead to feelings of obligation and resentment, particularly for lower desire partners. Instead, Jessa advises couples to create flexible, pressure-free spaces to nurture desire and intimacy naturally.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex00:46 Welcome and Episode Overview01:02 Discussing Reasonable Amounts of Sex02:11 The Problem with Setting Quotas04:05 Creating Flexibility in Intimacy05:09 Avoiding Obligation and Duty05:37 Conclusion and Final Thoughts05:59 Closing Remarks and Listener Engagement06:47 Credits and AcknowledgementsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of Better Sex, host and sex therapist, Jessa Zimmerman, interviews Dr. Evan Goldstein, an expert in anal sexual wellness and author of 'Butt Seriously.' Dr. Goldstein discusses the fundamentals of anal sex for beginners, focusing on key aspects such as muscle relaxation, preparation, and safety. They delve into common myths around anal sex, the anatomical considerations, and the importance of using the right products for a pleasurable experience. The conversation also explores the performance of safe hygiene practices, effective communication with partners, and techniques to mitigate potential issues. Dr. Goldstein emphasizes the importance of proper education and preparation to enhance the anal sex experience, debunking societal taboos and misconceptions.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex00:48 Exciting Topic: Anal Sex for Beginners01:32 Meet Dr. Evan Goldstein02:50 The Birth of Bespoke Surgical03:46 Common Anal Issues and Myths06:40 Anal Play for All Genders08:21 Understanding Anal Anatomy14:01 The Future Method and Anal Dilating Kit20:45 The Importance of Uniformity in Vaginal Dilators21:33 Jessa's Quick Break: How to Get Help22:01 Misconceptions About Anal Preparation22:35 Solo Anal Play: Learning Your Body23:20 Incorporating Dilators into Sex Play24:17 Positions for Anal Success26:56 Choosing the Right Lube for Anal Sex29:06 Gut Health and Anal Play31:48 Douching: Best Practices and Misconceptions34:59 Post-Play Hygiene Tips36:36 Final Thoughts and ResourcesWant to work with Jessa? https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Dr. Evan Goldstein is the leading anal health expert in the United States, founder of Future Method, and one of the few surgeons in the world whose practice, Bespoke Surgical, is dedicated to treating and restoring the human butt. He holds a perennial spot on the list of top doctors for the New York metro area and Crain’s New York Business listed him as one of their notable LGBTQ+ leaders and executives. He has been featured in national publications including GQ, Well+Good, Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, New York Magazine, Forbes, Fast Company, Out, and Shape; is a popular podcast guest; and in demand as a speaker for both medical and sex-positive industries. His first book, Butt Seriously: The Definitive Guide to Anal Health, Pleasure, and Everything In Between published in May 2024.www.bespokesurgical.comwww.futuremethod.comwww.buttseriously.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, hosted by sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman, the focus is on the concept of love languages and their impact on intimate relationships. Zimmerman discusses the common misunderstanding that having 'touch' as a love language equates to a need for sex, and how this misconception can create pressure and resistance in relationships. She emphasizes the importance of exploring various kinds of touch and incorporating all love languages into a satisfying sexual relationship. Listeners are encouraged to visit the podcast's website for show notes and additional episodes, and to rate and review the show on iTunes.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast00:55 Exploring Love Languages and Touch02:15 Misconceptions About Love Languages and Sex02:49 Integrating Love Languages into Sex03:38 Avoiding Entitlement and Pressure in Relationships04:37 Conclusion and Listener EngagementWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass