Should I Join the SAS?

After years causing mayhem online, Alhan has finally been triggered. By his dad.The elder Gençay has crossed the line and committed an unforgivable sin: he asked Alhan to clean his room. But Alhan refuses to bow down to tyranny in all its forms and will not comply with the orders of his father (aka the Turkish Kim Jong-un) in whose house Alhan lives for no money. So Alhan is loading his Playstation into a knapsack, tying it to a stick, and running away from home until he receives a cast-iron guarantee that he is exempt from all domestic activity.But is it that easy to fall off the map?To find out if he can vanish without a trace, Alhan dials up human bloodhound Peter Bleksley to help plot his disappearance. Then he speaks to makeup’s answer to Leonardo Da Vinci Alexis Stone to build the perfect disguise. Finally he hollers SBS veteran Jason Fox who has been trained in how to hide in bushes.

Alhan Gençay’s genius is beyond dispute. Well, that’s what his mum tells him anyway. The trolls on Twitter, by contrast, are less bullish about Alhan’s prospects to become one of the world’s great minds. To find out if there really is a genius hiding deep within him, Alhan speaks to the best chess player of all time, Garry Kasparov. Then he rings up alleged comedy genius and possible BAFTA-winner, Kim Noble. Finally, Alhan pits himself against the animal kingdom with the help of an expert in animal cognition and a friend to all crows, Professor Nicola Clayton.

As Covid restrictions ratchet up again, Alhan begins to wonder if there’s more to this world than boat parties and Twitch streaming. Could it be possible that there’s an entire world outside of north London, just waiting to be found? Like Frodo Baggins leaving the shire, Alhan Gençay is determined to set out and see the world. He hollers Ed Stafford, a survivalist and explorer who spent two and a half years walking the entire length of the Amazon river. Then he speaks to world-renowned poet Paul Hamilton, who helps Alhan explore the deepest, dirtiest, and smelliest crevices of his soul with poetry. Finally, Alhan talks to intrepid psychonaut Shane Mauss, an American comedian who explores other dimensions using psychedelic drugs.

Martin Luther King Jnr once said that 'we are not makers of history, we are made by history'. Well, Alhan isn’t convinced. To Alhan, history is a just bunch of beheadings and white people getting off with their cousins. And frankly, who cares? To find out if history has any value at all for a Gen Z troublemaker like him, Alhan speaks to the history guy Dan Snow, spiritual author David Wilcock, and historical reenactor Roland Williamson. Then he travels back in time with two friends of the pod: hypnotherapist Lisa Machenberg and ragga MC Irah.

Alhan Gençay has overdone it on Call of Duty and now believes that he can make it in the SAS. Alhan is so lethal online that it would be a crime to withhold his skills from the most elite regiment in the British Army. Ok sure, he’s not in great shape. And yes, he hasn’t thought it through. But that’s why he’s hitting up special guests Andy McNab and Likkleman - the hardest people he knows - to advise him on his budding SAS career.

They say it’s not the size that matters, but how you use it. Alhan reflects on his own equipment and can’t help but wonder: is that really true? To get some perspective, he speaks to the proud owner of a small penis, the poet and author Ant Smith. Then Alhan assesses his surgical options with Moorgate Andrology’s David Mills. Finally he sees what lessons he can draw from the animal kingdom. What can animal penis expert Dr Diane Kelly teach Alhan about the vast array of weird and wonderful penises that Mother Nature has to offer?

Flick on the news these days and the end feels nigh. Maybe we really are living in the end times... Alhan talks to astronomer and asteroid expert Dr Stuart Clark, to discuss the world-ending threats lurking in outer space. Then survivalist prepper Dave Jones tells Alhan about Fortitude Ranch, a facility in America that will house people in the event of global catastrophe. Finally Alhan gets a more level-headed view of the end of the world from the ragga mc Irah, who’s getting ready for the final battle between good and evil. Can Alhan survive the end of the world?

Alhan Gençay is going places. He’s got the grime scene on speed dial and his own show on BBC Sounds. But why stop there? Britain’s top job is beckoning... Alhan talks to Tony Blair’s former spokesman and campaign director Alastair Campbell to find out what the political strategist makes of Alhan’s chances of reaching Number 10. Next up, he goes interstellar with space warrior and prospective mayor of London Count Binface to find out how a rank outsider can break into British politics. Then he speaks to the Chairman of south Durham Young Conservatives Emily May Davitt to try and decide which political party will be lucky enough to have him as a member.

Searching for immortality, Alhan dials up gerontologist Aubrey de Grey, 700-year-old hypnotherapist Lisa Machenberg, and legendary OAP rappers Pete & Bas.Alhan Gençay is grappling with his own mortality. He might be a mere 21 years old but everyone has to die some day. Don’t they? To find out if he can live forever, Alhan hollers biomedical gerontologist Aubrey de Grey, who’s working to defeat ageing. Then he hits up past life regression therapist Lisa Machenberg, who’s been plying her trade for over 700 years. Finally, to discover what it’s like to have mutuals with the grim reaper, he chats to legendary OAP grime duo Pete & Bas.

Speaking to the big beast of British politics, former Chancellor ​Ken Clarke​, Alhan discovers just how much trouble our economy is in. Next up, he pitches a series of world-beating business ideas to queen of Dragon’s Den ​Deborah Meaden​ before exploring the world of findom with financial dominatrix Lucky DeVille.