You’re Probably Right

What if you stopped trying to figure out their attachment style and simply asked whether they actually care about you in the way a relationship requires?In Episode 393 of You’re Probably Right, MCM gives you a simple ten question checklist to help you look at the relationship as it actually exists today. Not their potential. Not their best moments. Not who they were at the beginning. The current pattern.The questions look at safety, honesty, emotional responsiveness, accountability, effort, independence, reliability, affection, interest in your life, and appreciation. This is not a clinical or psychological test. It is simply a way to organize what you may already be experiencing and make it harder to explain away one disappointing incident after another.LISTENER SCORECARDFor each question choose:A = rarely or neverB = sometimesC = consistentlyAnswer based on the current pattern, not isolated good moments. If you do not know, mark ? and leave it unscored.Wellbeing, safety and boundaries, 20 pointsA = 0B = 10C = 20Honesty and clarity, 15 pointsA = 0B = 7.5C = 15Emotional responsiveness, 15 pointsA = 0B = 7.5C = 15Accountability and repair, 10 pointsA = 0B = 5C = 10Reciprocal effort, 10 pointsA = 0B = 5C = 10Independence and growth, 10 pointsA = 0B = 5C = 10Reliability in difficult times, 10 pointsA = 0B = 5C = 10Affection and intimacy, 5 pointsA = 0B = 2.5C = 5Interest in your life, 3 pointsA = 0B = 1.5C = 3Thoughtfulness and appreciation, 2 pointsA = 0B = 1C = 2Possible total: 100 pointsSuggested discussion ranges:0 to 39.5, serious concerns40 to 59.5, significant unmet needs60 to 79.5, mixed or inconsistent care80 to 100, many positive patternsThese ranges are only conversation starters. They are not clinically validated cutoffs and no score can tell you whether somebody secretly loves you or decide what you should do. A high score also does not override violence, coercion, threats, intimidation or serious safety concerns.ADDITIONAL REFLECTIONWhat have you stopped doing for yourself?What have you accepted that you once believed you would never accept?What has this relationship cost you?What would you have to rebuild if it ended?Could you live with another five years of the same pattern?The point of the episode is not simply to decide whether the other person is good or bad. It is to look honestly at what you are receiving, what you are giving, what the relationship is costing you, and whether the relationship you actually have is one you can continue choosing.Episode 393Forget Attachment Styles, Maybe They Just Don’t Care About You? The ChecklistYou’re Probably Right with MCMEntertainment first. Everything else is just bonus opinions.Connect: [email protected] Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/youre-probably-right/id1551574121Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/1L65QCDAGp1h5Vca5zwE7X

Can somebody genuinely want you without ever really choosing you? Episode 392 of You’re Probably Right is a fictional narrative called Civetta, following Vivian Vail and Miguel Serrano, two people caught between attraction, generosity, money, intimacy, pride and the expectations they never fully say out loud. Vivian genuinely desires Miguel, but part of her is also evaluating the man she believes he could become. Miguel realizes the relationship may never give him the future he wants, yet keeps spending, helping and performing because he hopes that eventually everything he gives will make him impossible to lose. She mistakes his presentation of stability for greater wealth. He mistakes her desire for greater commitment. Both see evidence that contradicts what they want to believe, and both keep going. This is not a story with a clean hero and villain. It is about two people participating in the same relationship while privately living inside different versions of it. Eventually they arrive at two brutally honest admissions: Vivian wanted Miguel to be enough without requiring her to change, while Miguel wanted what he gave her to make him enough. Sometimes somebody can want your attention, your strength, your generosity, your intimacy and your availability without wanting the entire life that comes with choosing you. And sometimes you can recognize that clearly and continue trying anyway. Episode 392, Civetta: Being Wanted Is Not the Same as Being Chosen. You’re Probably Right with MCM. Entertainment first. Everything else is just bonus opinions. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.being wanted versus being chosen, Civetta podcast, relationship mixed signals, being needed versus being loved, generosity in relationships, trying to make someone choose you, love and money relationships, emotional ambiguity, wanting access without commitment, overgiving for love, relationship self deception, attraction versus commitment, being useful in relationships, situationship emotional confusion, loving someone who will not choose you, can someone love you and still leave, You’re Probably Right podcast, MCM podcast

What happens when being called “husband material” sounds flattering, but the actual relationship seems to require you to give more while receiving less?In Episode 391 of You’re Probably Right, MCM takes on a difficult relationship question: why should the supposedly serious partner be expected to provide more commitment, patience, security, understanding and responsibility while sometimes receiving less affection, enthusiasm, openness or effort in return?This is not an argument that anybody is entitled to another person’s body, money, attention or affection. It is an argument for honesty, reciprocity and wholehearted participation. If you want somebody to build a life with you, what kind of life are you actually offering them?MCM looks at the difference between what something costs and what it represents. A wealthy person can buy a Mercedes without thinking twice, while somebody else may sacrifice considerably to provide a Honda Civic, make sure the brakes are good and put something reliable in your driveway. The badge does not tell you everything about the generosity. The same applies to time, affection, patience, responsibility and effort.The episode also examines what happens when the price seems to change depending on who walks through the door. If somebody is dependable, do you begin expecting more simply because you know they will probably stay? Does their patience become permission to keep them waiting? Does their reliability become a reason to stop thinking about what makes the relationship enjoyable for them?Then there is the uncomfortable question of the past. What happens when someone enthusiastically shared experiences, affection, openness or intimacy in previous relationships, but the person they now describe as their serious partner seems to encounter more restrictions, more conditions and less willingness? People are allowed to change. Convictions change. Preferences change. But the person considering a future with you deserves to understand what you are genuinely willing to build with them now.MCM uses the oatmeal and filet mignon analogy to describe one of the most painful imbalances in relationships: one person feels as though they have found something extraordinary while the other person privately regards them as merely dependable, sensible or tolerable. Somebody may believe they are being loved while the other person is mainly appreciating the security, lifestyle or stability they provide.That leads to a harder question: do you actually want this person, or do you want what being with them makes possible?Men can do this too. A man may remain with a woman because she is beautiful or because the physical relationship is exciting while privately disliking her personality, conversation or company. Eventually ordinary life requires more than attraction. If you already know you do not genuinely like the person standing in front of you, encouraging them to build their future around you becomes deeply unfair.Episode 391You’re Probably Right with MCMEntertainment first. Everything else is just bonus opinions.Connect: [email protected] Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/youre-probably-right/id1551574121Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/1L65QCDAGp1h5Vca5zwE7X

Have you ever had so much to say to somebody that when you finally get the chance to speak, everything comes out wrong?In Episode 390 of You’re Probably Right, MCM explores what happens when unresolved grievances pile up, when peaceful people avoid conflict for too long, and when a legitimate complaint gets buried underneath a terrible delivery.Feeling emotion and allowing somebody else to witness it are not the same thing.Changing location does not always mean moving house, quitting tomorrow, ending every difficult friendship, or running from accountability.Sometimes changing location means changing where you place yourself emotionally.Stop initiating every conversation.Stop volunteering for a role that constantly creates conflict.Spend less time where you consistently feel unwelcome.Spend more time with people whose company you actually enjoy.Stop making your emotional well-being dependent on whether one particular person acknowledges you.The episode also asks an uncomfortable question:How much of your life are you willing to spend trying to get particular people to finally understand you?Sometimes another conversation is necessary.Sometimes you need to explain what happened, set a boundary, correct a misunderstanding, or say clearly what needs to change.But sometimes you have already explained yourself.And now you are preparing another speech.Another Airing of Grievances.Another attempt to convince somebody to care.Maybe the next step is not another explanation.Maybe it is changing where you put your attention.For people of faith, MCM also looks at prayer and responsibility. Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”The qualification matters.There are parts of a relationship that do not depend on you.You can be courteous.Fair.Truthful.You can apologize when you are wrong.You can forgive.But you cannot force somebody else to reciprocate.Sometimes wisdom means recognizing when you have reasonably done what you can.You do not have to prove that everybody around you is evil before deciding an environment is not good for you.And leaving is not always running away.Sometimes staying requires courage.Sometimes leaving requires courage.Sometimes the hardest realization is that you have confused staying with loyalty.Episode 390 is about unresolved grievances, vulnerability, bullying, friendship, emotional sensitivity, workplace tension, loyalty, faith, self-examination, boundaries, and the possibility that peace may exist somewhere you have not seriously considered yet.You can spend years trying to change how particular people treat you.Sometimes those efforts are worthwhile.Sometimes the relationship improves.But sometimes the people do not change.The environment does not change.And the relationship never becomes what you hoped it would become.That does not mean your life has to remain the same.Sometimes all you need to do is change your location.Episode 390You’re Probably Right with MCMEntertainment first. Everything else is just bonus opinions.Connect: [email protected] Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/youre-probably-right/id1551574121Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/1L65QCDAGp1h5Vca5zwE7X

Why can you still be so angry with someone you may not even want back?In Episode 389 of You’re Probably Right, MCM tells the story of Clara, a woman sitting in a nearly empty room with a window on one side and a door on the other. Outside the window is Daniel, the man she spent so much time helping, supporting, encouraging and giving to that she barely noticed how empty her own room was becoming.The furniture is a metaphor. Clara gave time, money, attention, affection, patience, emotional energy and pieces of the life she could have been building for herself. Some things Daniel asked for. Some things Clara volunteered because giving made her feel useful, close and important. She believed they were building something together. Then the messages became less frequent, the affection changed and Daniel became increasingly distant. Instead of asking whether the relationship was still good for her, Clara started asking what she could do to make him interested again.That is where the anger becomes complicated. Clara is angry at Daniel for what he accepted and how he treated her. She is angry about what she cannot get back. But she is also angry with herself for continuing to give after she could see something was wrong. She allowed Daniel’s attention to become the weather forecast for her entire day. If he smiled, it was sunny. If he ignored her, it rained. If he appeared happy with somebody else, there was a thunderstorm.Meanwhile, Clara has had a door the entire time.She can rebuild her finances, friendships, health, interests and creative life. She can buy another chair. She can put a plant beside the window. She can answer a friend, take a walk, return to something she abandoned and slowly make the room hers again. Healing does not require pretending Daniel treated her well, and it does not require receiving the apology or explanation she may never get.And if Daniel comes back? A familiar feeling is not automatically a new beginning. The question becomes: what has actually changed? Has he taken responsibility? Can he listen? Can he respect boundaries? Can he give rather than simply receive? Does Clara actually want the relationship Daniel is capable of offering, rather than the relationship she once imagined he might become capable of offering?Episode 389 is about anger, overgiving, unequal relationships, unanswered endings, generosity, self-betrayal and rebuilding your life without requiring the person who hurt you to participate in your recovery.You can still be angry. You can still have questions. You can still acknowledge that somebody treated you badly. You do not have to be completely healed before you begin living again.Eventually Clara stops staring through the window, remembers the door, opens it and walks outside.Not because Daniel apologized. Not because she forgot. Because she is still alive, and there is still a world outside that room.Episode 389You’re Probably Right with MCMEntertainment first. Everything else is just bonus opinions.Connect: [email protected] Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/youre-probably-right/id1551574121Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/1L65QCDAGp1h5Vca5zwE7X

How do you become numb to someone who still seems able to press every emotional button you have?Not numb to love.Not numb to your children.Not numb to your faith.Not numb to friendship, generosity, intimacy, or the possibility of somebody else loving you properly.Numb to them.In Episode 388 of You’re Probably Right, MCM explores what it means to finally reach the point where one particular person no longer gets to determine your emotional state.You can believe somebody has value before God while recognizing that they may not be healthy for you.You can forgive somebody without restoring their previous level of access.And you can stop rescuing somebody without becoming cruel.MCM also explores what happens when you stop pursuing.Not as a trick.Not as some internet strategy designed to make an ex chase you.Some people will be relieved.Some will move on.Some will miss you but never act.Some will miss the attention.Some will miss being important to you.Some may begin wondering where they stand.But that still does not mean they want the relationship back.Missing you.Missing access to you.Missing how you made them feel about themselves.And wanting a relationship with you are four different things.That distinction matters.The episode also introduces the difference between cheap signals and expensive signals.A look is cheap.A joke is cheap.A casual comment is cheap.Mentioning your clothes is fairly cheap.Seeking you out privately costs more.Asking genuinely personal questions costs more.Affectionate touch after a long period of distance costs more.Saying, “I have been thinking about what happened between us,” costs considerably more.Saying, “I hurt you and I know I did,” costs more still.Trying to repair something while knowing you may reject them is expensive.So stop obsessing over what they looked at.Watch what they are willing to risk.Attention is not repair.Attraction is not accountability.Proximity is not remorse.And if they are still attracted to you?Fine.Attraction was never the problem.The version where one person gave almost everything.Dead.The version where one person pursued while the other controlled the distance.Dead.The version where one person’s pain became an inconvenience.Dead.The version where somebody could disappear emotionally and return whenever they wanted the pleasant parts.Dead.If anything new were ever going to exist, it would require accountability, consistency, reciprocity, honesty, curiosity about your experience, and a different way of handling conflict.And eventually the title comes back.Maybe going numb does not mean feeling nothing.Maybe winning is reaching the point where whether they come back or not no longer determines whether you are okay.Maybe winning is looking at the shiny coin and realizing:Some of the shine I kept admiring was mine.And I am ready to stop giving it away.Episode 388You’re Probably Right with MCMEntertainment first. Everything else is just bonus opinions.Connect: [email protected] on Apple Podcasts:https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/youre-probably-right/id1551574121Listen on Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/show/1L65QCDAGp1h5Vca5zwE7X

What happens when every attempt to save the relationship seems to make it worse?You try harder.You become more attentive.You give more.You communicate more.You try to look better.You become more patient.You become more useful.You study what changed.You study what they need.You study yourself.And somehow, instead of bringing them closer, everything you do seems to push them further away.In Episode 387 of You’re Probably Right, MCM talks about the exhausting experience of trying to convince somebody to keep loving you after something in the relationship has changed.At the beginning, you were just yourself.You were not auditioning.You were not studying their reply times, facial expressions, tone, clothing preferences, attention, or affection.You were simply there.And somehow, being yourself worked.They wanted you.Then something changed.The messages slowed down.The affection changed.The plans became less frequent.The conversations got shorter.Suddenly you are standing on emotional ice trying desperately not to fall.And that is where the performance begins.Maybe if I give more.Maybe if I pull away.Maybe if I explain myself better.Maybe if I lose weight.Maybe if I get stronger.Maybe if I dress differently.Maybe if I make more money.Maybe if I become less emotional.Maybe if I stop asking questions.Maybe if I become exactly the person they want.MCM compares this experience to standing outside a door that was once open and suddenly finding it locked.Instead of asking why you are standing outside a door you used to walk through freely, you start trying combinations.And after enough combinations, love begins to look less like love and more like problem solving.This episode explores overgiving, rejection, self improvement, emotional depletion, generosity, jealousy, competition, silence, validation, grief, loss, aging, physical appearance, money, creative disappointment, and the dangerous habit of rebuilding yourself according to somebody else’s preferences.It also looks at what happens when there is a third person.Someone younger.Fitter.Richer.More attractive.More confident.More detached.Suddenly the question stops being, “Is this relationship good for me?”Now the question becomes, “How do I beat them?”And another human being becomes your scoreboard.That is where rejection can turn into a self audit.What is wrong with me?Was I too nice?Too available?Too emotional?Too generous?Not mysterious enough?Not attractive enough?Not successful enough?Eventually you are no longer improving because you want a better life.You are rebuilding yourself as an argument against somebody who rejected you.MCM does not argue against self improvement.Lose the weight if you want to.Get stronger.Improve your health.Make more money.Look for the better job.Dress better.Build something.Create more options.But eventually the reason has to become yours.Because if you transform your whole life but still keep checking to see whether one person noticed, you are still standing outside the same locked door.Episode 387You’re Probably Right with MCMEntertainment first. Everything else is just bonus opinions.Connect: [email protected] on Apple Podcasts:https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/youre-probably-right/id1551574121Listen on Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/show/1L65QCDAGp1h5Vca5zwE7X

How do you stop giving enormous emotional value to someone who already stopped choosing you?In Episode 386 of You’re Probably Right, MCM breaks down what it really means to “devalue” an ex after being discarded.This is not about revenge.It is not about humiliating them.It is not about pretending the relationship never mattered.It is about bringing their value in your mind back down to the level of the evidence.Sometimes the beginning was euphoric.The attention was intense.The chemistry was powerful.You felt wanted.You felt chosen.And once your mind experiences that, it can spend a very long time waiting for that version of the relationship to return.Meanwhile, you may start making excuses for inconsistency, turning tiny gestures into major evidence, helping more, giving more, monitoring their behaviour, comparing yourself with new people, and continuing to audition for a role they already showed you they were not willing to give you.This episode explores emotional inflation, overgiving, attachment, jealousy, red flags, workplace proximity, little returns, rescue behaviour, competition with new partners, and why you may need to stop collecting information about somebody you are trying to emotionally release.MCM also gives two practical exercises:What did you actually receive from the relationship?And what did it actually cost you?Because sometimes you are not grieving the relationship you had.You are grieving the relationship you kept trying to create.Real does not automatically mean healthy.Real does not automatically mean sustainable.Real does not automatically mean mutual.Real does not automatically mean enough.Episode 386How to Devalue the Ex Who Discarded YouYou’re Probably Right with MCMEntertainment first. Everything else is just bonus opinions.Connect: [email protected] on Apple Podcasts:https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/youre-probably-right/id1551574121Listen on Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/show/1L65QCDAGp1h5Vca5zwE7X#Breakups #MovingOn #Relationships #Attachment #Overgiving #Healing #SelfRespect #RelationshipAdvice #YoureProbablyRight #MCM

What if they do not actually want to repair the relationship?What if they just want you to stop being mad?In Episode 385 of You’re Probably Right, MCM looks at the strange moment when somebody finally becomes concerned about your pain only after your pain begins changing their experience of you.Maybe you stop calling.You stop checking in.You stop helping.You stop giving.You stop making everything comfortable.You stop offering the same warmth, patience, reassurance, and access you used to give automatically.And suddenly they notice.“Why are you mad at me?”“Why are you acting different?”“I don’t like when you’re upset with me.”At first, that can sound like concern.Maybe even remorse.But there is an important difference between somebody being concerned about your pain and somebody being concerned about what your pain is now costing them.Distress is not remorse.Distress says:“I don’t like how this feels.”Remorse says:“I don’t like what I did to you.”Those are not the same thing.This episode explores what happens when somebody wants the emotional temperature fixed without wanting to repair the relationship underneath it.They want the smile back.The joke back.The easy conversation back.The favour back.The version of you who made their life comfortable back.But repair costs more than that.Repair may require admitting fault.Hearing something uncomfortable.Answering the question you have been avoiding.Acknowledging that somebody gave more than you gave.Accepting that your reasons do not erase the impact.Changing behaviour.A greeting is cheap.A smile is cheap.A casual compliment is cheap.Acting normal again is cheap.Repair is expensive.MCM also talks about relationships that never properly end but simply shrink.Thirty messages become ten.Ten become three.Three become one.One becomes silence.Private conversation becomes practical conversation.Affection becomes politeness.Politeness becomes awkwardness.Nobody says, “This is over.”One person simply stops participating while the other person spends months trying to interpret every warm moment and every cold one.Eventually you become a detective instead of a partner.And sometimes closure never arrives as the sentence you wanted.You may never hear:“I know I hurt you.”“You mattered to me.”“I handled this badly.”“You deserved better from me.”At some point you may have to stop trying to extract verbal closure from somebody whose behaviour has already given you relational closure.This episode also turns the mirror around.Sometimes we overgive.Sometimes nobody forced us.Sometimes giving becomes a way of trying to make ourselves necessary.If I do more, maybe they will feel more.If I solve enough problems, maybe they will finally choose me.If I become indispensable, maybe I cannot be discarded.That is where generosity can quietly become fear.And a relationship that survives only because one person keeps increasing the investment is not becoming safer.It is becoming more expensive.Episode 385 is about learning to separate civility from intimacy, peace from repair, appreciation from reciprocity, and somebody missing your warmth from somebody actually wanting to understand what took that warmth away.Because care eventually has to become behaviour.Regret has to become ownership.Repair has to become effort.And closeness has to come with responsibility.If all they want is your smile back, but they have no interest in what took it away, that tells you something.Maybe not everything.But enough.Episode 385You’re Probably Right with MCMEntertainment first. Everything else is just bonus opinions.Connect: [email protected] on Apple Podcasts:https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/youre-probably-right/id1551574121Listen on Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/show/1L65QCDAGp1h5Vca5zwE7X

There is a difference between saying you’re sorry and actually being sorry.And sometimes we give people credit for an apology they never really gave us.In Episode 384 of You’re Probably Right, MCM breaks down the difference between remorse, discomfort, apology, access, forgiveness, and actual change.Someone can be upset that you are angry with them.They can miss talking to you.They can miss your attention.They can miss your help.They can miss the version of you who used to answer the phone, do the favour, keep the door open, and make life easier for them.They can even be genuinely bothered that you no longer look at them the same way.And still not be sorry.That is the distinction at the centre of this episode.Sometimes people are not sorry they hurt you.They are sorry that hurting you changed your relationship with them.Those are not the same thing.MCM looks at what a real apology actually requires.Ownership.Can they name what they did?Recognition.Do they understand what their behaviour cost you?Repair.Are they willing to do something differently?And change.Does the behaviour that follows the apology actually support the words?Because if someone apologizes for the same behaviour twelve times and then does it a thirteenth time, eventually the apology becomes part of the behaviour.“I’m sorry” cannot become the cleanup crew that follows the same destruction every week.This episode also looks at defensive apologies, vague apologies, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” “I’m sorry, but…,” and the difference between asking for forgiveness and asking for access.Because sometimes “Can we just be okay?” really means:Can I have the old version of you back?The version who answered every call.The version who tolerated more.The version who gave endlessly.The version who kept the door open.And maybe the answer is no.You can accept an apology without rebuilding the old relationship.You can forgive someone without restoring the same level of access.You can stop being angry and still decide that something has permanently changed.An apology does not obligate you to recreate the relationship that existed before the injury.And if they never apologize at all, closure cannot always depend on the person who hurt you finally understanding what they did.Sometimes you have to acknowledge the injury yourself, decide what you learned from it, change what you will tolerate going forward, and keep moving.Because saying you’re sorry is a sentence.Being sorry is evidence.Episode 384You’re Probably Right with MCMEntertainment first. Everything else is just bonus opinions.Connect: [email protected] on Apple Podcasts:https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/youre-probably-right/id1551574121Listen on Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/show/1L65QCDAGp1h5Vca5zwE7X