You, Reclaimed Project

Somewhere around the third date you catch yourself doing the math. They haven’t answered in four hours, so that means something. They said “we should do that sometime,” so that means something else. And you’re very good at this — reading every signal pointed at you — which is exactly the problem, because those are the signals you’re least able to read straight.This episode is the other side of dating after limerence. Not what to watch out for in yourself, but what the good signs look like in the other person — and why “they feel like the right one” can’t be one of them. We go through the two signs that actually hold up: what happens to your feelings as real, unflattering, ordinary information about them comes in, and how they handle the parts of their life that have nothing to do with you — the friendships that lasted, the way they talk about their exes, what they do with a bad week. Both signs have something in common that limerence never gave you, and both take weeks to see. If the slower pace reads as “no chemistry,” this is why I’d wait before deciding that.🌐 Website + free resources: https://www.youreclaimedproject.com🔗 Q&A inbox: https://youreclaimedproject.com/ask/📗 Is It Limerence? Quiz: https://youreclaimedproject.com/is-it-limerence-quiz/📗 Attachment Style Quiz: https://youreclaimedproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/📗 The Calm-Down Toolkit: https://youreclaimedproject.com/calm-down-toolkit/Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist or medical professional. This episode is for educational purposes only and is based on personal experience and research. It isn’t a substitute for therapy, medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you’re in crisis or need immediate support, contact local emergency services or a licensed provider in your area.

It's the second week of seeing someone. They went quiet for three days and came back as though nothing had happened. You have a question about that, and you don't ask it, because asking would make you the kind of person who's bothered by three days of silence — and you'd rather be the relaxed one.This episode is about the things we notice early on and decide not to look at. Something about them: a dismissive remark, a warmth by text that isn't there in person. Something about fit: they tell us plainly what they want, and we hear "for now" tacked onto the end. And something in us, which is where we skim fastest — the flatness on the way home, the flicker of relief when they cancel, the day and a half on edge before every date.We do it partly because we're afraid of the answer, and partly because we've absorbed the idea that a secure person wouldn't make anything of it, so if it bothers us, the problem must be us. But the things we skim over don't go away because we didn't look. We take them home. The questions we didn't ask out loud, we start asking ourselves, over and over — and for those of us who've been through limerence, that is a great deal of what the obsession is made of. The playing it cool we did to protect the connection ends up feeding the thing that wears us out.I share my own experience of this, because my most acute limerence was mostly an exercise in hiding the truth from myself. And I talk about what changes once we see it, which is mostly timing: a question asked in week two is a small question. The same question at six months has six months of private thinking attached to it.Videos mentioned in this episode:Being Easy to Love — And Completely Unknownhttps://youtu.be/pRpxIIFlis0Dating After Limerence — How to Stop Repeating the Same Patternhttps://youtu.be/VyAW_Mlt0TkThe Way Out of Limerence Isn't Detachment — It's Emotional Sobrietyhttps://youtu.be/qn8xkhekxoI🌐 Website + free resourceshttps://www.youreclaimedproject.com🔗 Q&A inbox — submit a question for a future episodehttps://youreclaimedproject.com/ask/📗 Free resources▸ Is It Limerence? Quiz — https://youreclaimedproject.com/is-it-limerence-quiz/▸ Attachment Style Quiz — https://youreclaimedproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/▸ The Calm-Down Toolkit — https://youreclaimedproject.com/calm-down-toolkit/Disclaimer: I'm not a therapist or medical professional. The information in this podcast is for educational purposes only and is based on personal experience and research. It isn't a substitute for therapy, medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you're considering therapeutic techniques discussed here, I recommend exploring them with a licensed mental health professional. If you're in crisis or need immediate support, contact local emergency services or a licensed provider in your area.

He was easygoing. Pleasant. No exes he was still untangling himself from, no heavy story to explain. On paper, the lowest-baggage person I'd dated. And when I asked him where the love goes when it leaves — because he'd told me it just does, every time — he looked at me like nobody had ever asked, including him, and said: "I don't know. It just leaves."This episode is about the list most of us carry into dating — no drama, no baggage, no messy past — and why the person who fits it best is often the one to be most careful with. We start with what a "clean record" actually is when you look closely, and the two things that are usually true of someone who presents as having nothing to work on. Then the story of the man whose relationships just fizzled, and what it was like to be in a relationship with someone who could tell you point A and point B and nothing in between. From there we get to the thing I'd put on your list instead — it's not a clean slate, and it's something you can hear in how a person talks about their own reactions — and to the part that cuts both ways: whether you could trace your own last relationship from A to B, because the thing that makes someone safe for you is the same thing that makes you safe for them.ResourcesWebsite + free tools: https://www.youreclaimedproject.comQ&A inbox: https://youreclaimedproject.com/ask/Is It Limerence? Quiz: https://youreclaimedproject.com/is-it-limerence-quiz/Attachment Style Quiz: https://youreclaimedproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/The Calm-Down Toolkit: https://youreclaimedproject.com/calm-down-toolkit/Disclaimer: I'm not a therapist or medical professional. This podcast is for educational purposes only and is based on personal experience and research. It isn't a substitute for therapy, medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you're in crisis or need immediate support, contact local emergency services or a licensed provider in your area.

They're warm when you're together. They laugh at your jokes, they're affectionate, they seem interested. And then you ask one fairly normal thing — where is this going, can we plan a trip, why did you disappear for a few days — and the temperature drops. Not a fight. Just vagueness, a little distance, a change of subject. And you're left explaining it to yourself.This episode is about what emotionally unavailable people are actually after, because most of us only have two theories: they're afraid of intimacy, or they're using us. We start with why neither of those tends to hit the target, and with the fact that these people almost never think of themselves as unavailable — they'd say they're busy, or just out of something, or not a big texter, or independent, and most of that is true. Then we look at what being close to someone actually involves: not just feeling wanted, but becoming a person another human can affect, ask things of, be disappointed in, and bring hard conversations to. From there we get to the thing I think explains most of what you've been seeing — what they want and what they're not willing to trade for it — and to why the warmth you're getting doesn't mean what you've been reading into it. The last part is about how much of this was settled before you ever met them, and what that leaves you free to do.ResourcesWebsite + free tools: https://www.youreclaimedproject.comQ&A inbox: https://youreclaimedproject.com/ask/Is It Limerence? Quiz: https://youreclaimedproject.com/is-it-limerence-quiz/Attachment Style Quiz: https://youreclaimedproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/The Calm-Down Toolkit: https://youreclaimedproject.com/calm-down-toolkit/Disclaimer: I'm not a therapist or medical professional. This podcast is for educational purposes only and is based on personal experience and research. It isn't a substitute for therapy, medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you're in crisis or need immediate support, contact local emergency services or a licensed provider in your area.

Months of warmth, affection, maybe even love. Then you ask one real question about where this is going, and the person goes vague on you. And you're left wondering why they didn't just say it at the start, so you could have decided for yourself what to do with it.This episode is about why that conversation almost never happens, and why the reason is not what we assume. We go through the different people who end up under the word "unavailable" — the ones who learned early that closeness isn't safe, the ones in a stretch of life with no room for depth, and the ones who simply aren't interested in that kind of depth with you — and why each of them has their own reason for staying quiet. Then we look at the part underneath all three: what your ordinary questions ("what are we doing here," "can we plan something next month," "why did you go quiet for four days") actually sound like from their side, why so many of them just slip back into the background instead of ending it, the small things they do try to tell us and why we tend not to hear them, and when something with an unavailable person can actually work. The answer you've been waiting for mostly isn't being withheld, and understanding why changes what you do with the silence.ResourcesWebsite + free tools: https://www.youreclaimedproject.comQ&A inbox: https://youreclaimedproject.com/ask/Is It Limerence? Quiz: https://youreclaimedproject.com/is-it-limerence-quiz/Attachment Style Quiz: https://youreclaimedproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/The Calm-Down Toolkit: https://youreclaimedproject.com/calm-down-toolkit/Disclaimer: I'm not a therapist or medical professional. This podcast is for educational purposes only and is based on personal experience and research. It isn't a substitute for therapy, medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you're in crisis or need immediate support, contact local emergency services or a licensed provider in your area.

You did everything the advice said. Blocked them, deleted the photos, stopped looking. And the limerence is still here, as loud as ever, weeks after they left your life.This episode is about what your brain is actually doing when you try to quit. Why it behaves like withdrawal rather than grief. Why "just go no contact" is such incomplete advice — because in limerence, the person was often barely there to begin with, and the thing you got hooked on was never really them. We look at what your reward system learned to do, why it's so much harder to put down than an ordinary breakup, what the fantasy was doing for you besides feeling good, and why quitting means more than willpower.ResourcesWebsite + free tools: https://www.youreclaimedproject.comQ&A inbox: https://youreclaimedproject.com/ask/Is It Limerence? Quiz: https://youreclaimedproject.com/is-it-limerence-quiz/Attachment Style Quiz: https://youreclaimedproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/The Calm-Down Toolkit: https://youreclaimedproject.com/calm-down-toolkit/Disclaimer: I'm not a therapist or medical professional. This podcast is for educational purposes only and is based on personal experience and research. It isn't a substitute for therapy, medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you're in crisis or need immediate support, contact local emergency services or a licensed provider in your area.

You finally got them. The person you spent months half-obsessed with turned around and made it clear they want you — and within a few weeks, you were the one going cold. Picking at small things. Looking for an exit you could've sworn you didn't want. And now you're wondering what's wrong with you, because you wanted this more than anything, and having it feels worse than wanting it did.This is part two on fearful avoidance and limerence. Last time we looked at the two halves of us that can never seem to rest at the same time — and how limerence works for us precisely because the other person's uncertainty keeps those halves in their separate corners. This episode is about what happens when the uncertainty goes away. Why the testing starts: the pulling back to see if they notice, the going cold to see if they stay, the picking at their life and their friends. Why "just stop chasing unavailable people" almost never works for us, because it only speaks to one half. And why the person we're limerent about can only ever offer the amount of closeness we can already handle — which is exactly why it feels so right, and exactly why it so rarely goes anywhere.If you've ever been chosen and felt the wanting switch off, this one's for you. It's not a wanting problem. It's a limit — and limits can move.🌐 Website + free resourceshttps://www.youreclaimedproject.com🔗 Q&A inbox — submit a question for a future episodehttps://youreclaimedproject.com/ask/📗 Free resources▸ Is It Limerence? Quiz — https://youreclaimedproject.com/is-it-limerence-quiz/▸ Attachment Style Quiz — https://youreclaimedproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/▸ The Calm-Down Toolkit — https://youreclaimedproject.com/calm-down-toolkit/▶️ Watch on YouTubePart 1 — Fearful Avoidant Limerence: Your Two Halves Will Never Let You Resthttps://youtu.be/9wi9toebVWsAround here we talk about limerence, attachment, relationships, and how real people like us build healthier love while still healing.Disclaimer: I'm not a therapist or medical professional. The information on this podcast is for educational purposes only and is based on personal experience and research. It isn't a substitute for therapy, medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you're considering therapeutic techniques discussed here, I recommend exploring them with a licensed mental health professional. If you're in crisis or need immediate support, contact local emergency services or a licensed provider in your area.

There's a strange contradiction at the center of fearful avoidant attachment. You want closeness more than most people you know — and the moment someone actually offers it, something in you pulls back. You fall hardest for the ones who are half in and half out, and when one of them finally turns fully toward you, the wanting quietly goes out.This episode is about why that happens, and why it isn't a sign that something's wrong with the way you love.We get into where the two halves come from — a childhood, or sometimes an adult relationship, where the same person was both the comfort and the threat, and you learned that closeness is where the warmth is and also where the danger lives. One half of you reaches for people and can't stand to lose them. The other half braces against anyone who gets too close. Most of the time you don't feel them as separate — you just feel that love is exhausting and can't work out why.From there we look at how those two halves show up in limerence specifically: why the almost-available person pulls you so hard, why reciprocation can leave you feeling flat instead of relieved, why you can swing from adoring someone to done-with-them in a day, and why the steady, available person so often registers as no spark at all. Underneath all of it is one idea — that for the fearful avoidant, limerence is the most closeness you can stand. Enough to feel it. Not enough to be caught in it. And the uncertainty is what keeps the two halves from ever having to meet.None of this means the limit is fixed. It can move. But it moves slowly, and gently, and not through the person you're limerent about — because they can only ever offer you the amount you can already hold.—🌐 Website and free resources: youreclaimedproject.comTake the limerence quiz, find your attachment style, or download the Calm-Down Toolkit for the nights you can't stop thinking about them. Submit a question for a future episode at youreclaimedproject.com/ask/.Around here we talk about limerence, attachment, and how real people like us build healthier love while still healing.Disclaimer: I'm not a therapist or medical professional. This podcast is for educational purposes only and is based on personal experience and research. It isn't a substitute for therapy, medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you're in crisis or need immediate support, please contact local emergency services or a licensed provider in your area.

You did no contact the way you were told to. Blocked, unfollowed, no drive-bys, no "just checking." Six months of it. And the obsession never got the memo. You wake up with them, you fall asleep with them, and in between you're carrying on a conversation they aren't part of — rehearsing what you should have said, imagining what they'd say back, wondering if they're thinking about you too.This episode is an answer to a listener who wrote in with exactly that: she did everything right and she's still stuck. And the answer isn't that she's doing it wrong, or that something in her is broken in a way no contact can't fix. It's that limerence runs on uncertainty — and when the person stops supplying it, your mind is perfectly capable of manufacturing it on its own. Every "maybe if I'd said this," every "maybe they'll come back," is a fresh top-up of fuel you're producing yourself. Which means no contact removed the person, but the person had stopped being the source a long time ago.We talk about what you're actually in a relationship with now, why it's so hard to put down (it's a kind of self-comfort, and it works), what it quietly costs you, and the one thing that lets it finally settle — not white-knuckling, not starving yourself of comfort, but getting the real version of what the fantasy has been giving you.Free resources, quizzes, and the Calm-Down Toolkit: https://www.youreclaimedproject.comSubmit a question for a future episode: https://youreclaimedproject.com/ask/Disclaimer: I'm not a therapist or medical professional. The information in this podcast is for educational purposes only and is based on personal experience and research. It isn't a substitute for therapy, medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you're considering therapeutic techniques discussed here, I recommend exploring them with a licensed mental health professional. If you're in crisis or need immediate support, contact local emergency services or a licensed provider in your area.

It's the drive home, or the walk to your door, or the moment you finally sit down — and it hits you. You're wiped. Not sleepy. Something heavier: a little wired, a little anxious, a low hum of unease you can't quite name. And none of it makes sense, because you liked the people you were just with. Nothing went wrong. Nobody was unkind. So why does being around people you enjoy leave you feeling like you worked a double shift?This episode is about the second job you've been quietly working your whole life — the one that runs underneath every conversation with people you like, respect, or want to be liked by. Watching your own face. Managing your hands. Editing each sentence before it leaves your mouth, then editing the next one. It's a kind of monitoring most of us learned young, in rooms where reading the atmosphere and adjusting ourselves was how we stayed safe. It was a good solution once. The trouble is it never turned off, and it burns real fuel — which is why an evening with people you genuinely like can drain you more than a day alone.But the part that took me twenty years to see is that all that effort doesn't even do what you think it does. The polished, careful, buttoned-up version of you that you're working so hard to present is the exact thing keeping people at arm's length — and keeping you from ever finding out whether you actually want to be in the room at all. I share the dinner party that took me two weeks to recover from, and the question I didn't think to ask for a year and a half.