263. I needed something that wasn't there

This week’s episode begins by asking the question: Can you absolutely know that it’s true that suffering is necessary? It’s an interesting question, because it seems like it must be true. If suffering wasn’t necessary, why would we experience it? It can be easy on the so-called spiritual path to wear suffering like a badge of honour, and it certainly is a powerful teacher. But does that make it necessary to hold onto? And furthermore, does believing that thought actually help us to get free? Or does it send us into an endless loop of discomfort followed by “dealing with it” or “working on ourselves”? Feel free to follow along with your own work as this line of questioning leads into some powerful sub-inquiries and contemplations. (Spoiler: concepts like “I have to deal with this dis-ease” and “I’m not deserving of love.”)

This week’s inquiry begins with a look at a simple thought: “I need money.” Seems pretty straightforward. Pretty accurate. (Unless you’re a Buddhist monk.) But slowly this inquiry becomes a deep dive into the entire concept of need. “I need something that’s not here right now.” Tom takes it to the past, too, by inviting participants to look at a memory where we believe we needed something that wasn’t there. Whether that something was better care, shelter, food, water, painkillers, relief, kindness, or another of the abundant examples that come up in this group meditation, the questions are the same; Can you absolutely know it’s true? Follow along to find out for yourself.

Two weeks ago an episode of Love Is The Power was released where Tom led a group inquiry on the thought, “I need to hold onto the wrongs done to me and the wrongs I’ve done.” In this part II episode, we’re exploring some different concepts, emotions, and conditions we notice the tendency to hold onto. Can you relate to holding onto being different/special/unique/separate? Or is a death grip on the sense of safety (yours or that of a friend/child/parent/partner) familiar? If your answer is yes, we invite you to follow along with the inquiries in this episode. If it’s a ‘no’ then feel free to notice where, within you, you experience a ‘holding on’ of some kind -- and then question it.

This week’s episode begins with a chance to look at one of those moments where we believe, “I shouldn’t have done that.” You know the one. It lies dormant and then pops into your mind as you’re trying to fall asleep and causes The Cringe. It shows up at the most inopportune times, saying, “Remember when you said/did that thing to that person all those years ago? Yeah, you shouldn’t have done that.” And in the questioning of that thought, what arises is a deeper belief in needing to earn love. Is it possible that when we cringe at our past selves (who were doing the best they could with what they had) it’s because we believe that those past actions disqualify us for an experience of love now? And is it really true that we need to earn love at all? Or are we using that story of being undeserving to stay justified in keeping a strong sense of identification and separation?

This week’s meditation begins with noticing the tendency to hold on. It sharpens to a more specific inquiry: “I need to hold onto the wrongs done to me and the wrongs I’ve done to others.” Is that true? The group digs deeper beneath that enticing story that can just seem so factual, like common sense. “Of course I need to hold on! Otherwise how will I make amends? Or get the apologies I deserve?” But what is life like when we hold on to the wrongs we’ve done and had done to us? And even more fascinating – what would our experience be like if we didn’t believe we needed to? There’s a powerful shift that takes place with the questioning of these stories in this group. Feel free to join in on your own!

This week’s deep inquiry begins with a simple invitation: to notice what arises within you when you allow yourself to consciously experience being open to any and all possibilities in life. In this group meditation, what comes up in response to Tom’s prompt is fear. It feels terrifying to open to all possibilities when those possibilities include things we think we very much would not like to experience; things we think we wouldn’t be able to handle. Going back to last week’s episode theme, we are convinced that something truly terrible can happen. This episode expands on that conversation with the idea that we could do something unforgivable. Something beyond forgiveness. We could go somewhere that love cannot reach us.But is that true? If it’s a friendly Universe, how could something we call ‘unforgivable’ be a good and beautiful thing? If you’re up for it, there’s a profound inquiry available this week – one that points to a profound experience of life waiting on the other side of unforgivable.

The mind wonders if there’s even any point in questioning a thought like, “Something terrible can happen.” It seems so obviously true. “Of course something terrible can happen! I could lose my job, my partner/child/parent/friend could die, I could get sick … and that’s not even counting all the terrible things already happening like wars and starvation.” Yes. That is true. All of those things could happen and are happening. But in this powerful inquiry on some sensitive subjects, Tom asks question two of The Work: “Can you absolutely know it’s true?” Can you absolutely, positively-for-sure know it’s true that something terrible can happen? Or could it be possible that the words of mystic St. Catherine of Siena are applicable to this story, that the absolute innocence of all within creation takes awhile to understand. Either way, we have the freedom to check in for ourselves and question painful stories. We have the freedom to notice whether believing this thought helps us show up in the world as truly helpful, happy beings – or not.

This week’s episode explores the thought, “I need to be valued.” This thought can become so insidious with its underlying beliefs – for example, believing our support, our existence depends on being liked by others. There can be a laundry list of things we think we need to be valued for: our time, our presence, our various roles, and most often just … ourselves. But what happens when we believe this? What becomes of our sense of freedom? As Tom often puts it, does it give us a big, fat ‘Yes!’ to life? Or does this thought become a prison shackle that we try to accommodate by contorting ourselves in order to be valued by others, and resenting them when they don’t come through with that validation? If you’re somewhere on your own freedom journey, we invite you to join this conversation and facilitation guided by Tom.

One of the main aspects of The Work is identifying a thought to question. Part of identifying it can be allowing ourselves to really feel it. So in preparation for this week’s episode, we invite you to look at the people surrounding you in life and really, deeply, as-best-you-can, feel the thought “I’m responsible for their happiness.” What does it feel like in the body? Is there someone in particular who especially triggers this belief most of us pick up so young? If you notice the thought feels constrictive and limiting and stressful, but also somehow like the “right” thing, well…you’re not alone. Follow along with your own inquiry into this thought, and notice what your experience might be like without it.

In this week’s short but sweet episode, we look at wanting attention and the high that seems to come when we get it. Tom points out that the high is really just a moment of experiencing what it’s like to let go of the need for attention. Could it be that what we’re really seeking is the experience of letting go? Often Tom will ask, in response to different desires (“I want people to love/like me, I want to matter, I want security…”), what do you want that for? Usually the answer is some variant of peace, relaxing, letting go, feeling okay, just being, etc. If there’s something you notice you want in this moment, the invitation is to notice what you want it for. Maybe, like this episode’s guest, it isn’t finally getting that thing that will give you the experience you’re looking for. Maybe it’s the letting go of wanting.