The Fame Fatale

It didn't surprise me that Birdman won Best Picture last weekend. What surprised me is that the movie isn't very good. In fact it's kind of bad. Not, you know, Titanic bad, but around there somewhere. So how does a mediocre movie with schticky camerawork and the most self-serving premise since The Player win filmdom's most coveted statuette? Dirty pool, most likely. I'm not saying that the publicists for Birdman necessarily played said pool, but somebody sure did. I'm talking about underhanded Oscar campaign tactics, kids. There were a lot of them this year. I discuss how I know this in my latest podcast. Also! I covered the run-up to the Oscars. I also covered the coverage of the Oscars. I am tired. My co-host from Chill City needs to talk about the Oscar gowns for a minute and I let him. More of your questions about how Hollywood really works... answered! Have a listen.

Morning, kids! I promised a new podcast. Ergo and thusly, here it is. Three whole people have won free copies of my new book this week. (Congrats, three people!) Is one of them you? Listen to this latest episode to find out. What's inside? Well... How about what it's like to buy a car while famous? (Hint: Do you get to take possession of a car before paying for it? Celebrities do!) How about what it's like to dodge, I mean do, jury duty while famous? How about some celebrity dish from Chill City? And how about some very, very, VERY little known dish about Bruce Jenner's latest news? It's all here, my little Fatalities. Enjoy.

So it's Oscar season, and lo! A certain popular historical drama has found itself largely shut out by the powers that be at the Academy. Could it be because the director of Selma is an African-American woman, and the Academy, in contrast, is largely white and male? (That's a silly question. Of course it could be.) But there's more to the snubbing of Selma than just run-of-the-mill, everyday bigotry. There are other factors in play. There are politics. There are sensitivities. There are... screeners. Turns out, much of a film's Oscar chances depend on how many DVD screeners are sent out to key Academy voters, and when. Paramount, the studio backing Selma, apparently didn't send out as many screeners as rival studios did. (And here you thought that all those free, big-screen presentations for guild and Academy voters actually made a difference.) Just how important are DVD screeners to the chairborne masses who vote for Oscars every year? Read this Variety piece to find out more. Or just listen to this brand-new podcast, in which I explain exactly why a media darling like Selma can face a near-total Oscar shutout largely because of DVD screeners... and one sassy Tweet, and, yeah, probably some bigotry. Also in this new podcast: I give away another copy of my book, and disclose the secret airport tunnel that lets some stars avoid public security screenings. Plus so much more (Baby Vegas)!  Have a listen.

Another week, another two lucky listeners are getting free autographed copies of my new book! A book that's available in paperback or on Kindle here in the U.S. as well as across the pond! Are you one of the two new champions of Hollywood truth and justice? Have a listen to this brand-new episode to find out. (Hint: I answer your questions about how stars open checking accounts and navigate rush-hour traffic. Yes, they do it differently than we do.) Plus! Ever wonder exactly how an Oscar gets won? Truth is, it's like a presidential campaign: You need money behind you to win. As in, millions of dollars. In this episode I outline exactly who shells out, and where all that money goes. (Remember all this as you watch your favorite actress stump on the Oscar campaign trail this month.) Also in this episode: Kristen Stewart recently told the media that no one wants to talk to her because she's famous. Except that there's a hole in her story. And I dig into it for ya.

I told you I was going to give away free signed copies of my book, and—unlike many a Hollywood publicist—I do not lie to my public. In fact, whenever possible, I double the hell down. On truth. As in, what if I select not one lucky book winner this week, but two? Yep, this week, two lucky listeners wrote in celebrity-related questions that I answer on this week's edition: a) Is booking a ski vacation the same when you're famous? b) What about, you know, birthing? The quick answers: a) No. And b) ...definitely no. Two signed copies of my book are on their way to a) Jessica Carico and b) Katie Basse. Thanks for playing along.  Also this week: Co-host Baby Vegas slings a celebrity sighting from deep within the Hollywood privilege hole. Then I offer a way-better celebrity sighting. It's a fresh Cage Match, people! I read your letters in a brand-new edition of our recurring Burn After Reading segment. And I offer an extremely vain Blind Item. Think you know the star I'm talking about? Have a listen.

My new book is out! My new book is out! Maybe you're not familiar with my conquests in the world of publishing. Maybe you remain ignorant of my bestselling sort-of selling book, which exposes the real secrets behind how celebrities operate. (Hint: Stars are not just like us.) Maybe you've been waiting for such a book your whole life. Well here comes your second chance. The second edition of my book is now out! The Celebrity Playbook gives you all the updated dish on what it's really like to be a star—how to not pay for things, how to not raise your kids, how to not serve time in jail, how not to stand in line for... anything.  And here's the best part: You can buy this brightly colored, candy-like volume on Amazon right now. Or you can win a free copy. It's easy. Listen to my brand-new podcast for details on what to do and how to do it. (Or just buy a copy of the book, really. It's pretty cheap. Santa wants you to put it under your tree.) Also in this brand-new episode: A listener wonders what all those random people are doing on Talking Dead. So I find out. Another listener asks whether stars pay for their own trainers if they're getting buff for a role and OF COURSE THEY DON'T STARS DON'T EVER PAY FOR ANYTHING IF YOU READ MY BOOK YOU WOULD KNOW THAT. A third listener writes in to ask why stars get away with bringing their dogs into supermarkets out here. Again, I find out for you. It's all here for you! Have a listen.

So, it's no secret that Renee Zellweger looks... different. Radically. (If you care to remember her how she was, here's an old-timey photo of her. I even put a sepia tone on it for an added level of feel-good nostalgia.) The only question remaining: Precisely what did she do, and, more importantly, was this a good idea? You listeners have been writing to me this week with those very questions. So I wrangled a top Hollywood plastic surgeon, John Vartanian, who has famous clients of his own, and asked for his unvarnished opinion. It's not, as they say, pretty. In fact, there's a good chance that she touched more than her eyes when her face... changed. Also this week: I reveal the reason for my unusually long absence. I bait my co-host, Clint Wells, into a Cage Match he thinks he can win. And a Lena Dunham hater lobs a question that I guarantee he is not alone in asking. Have a listen.

Tonight marks the return of American Horror Story, the beloved series that's kind of like a toddler's birthday party: It starts off so charmingly, but ends up a total hot mess by the end of its run. One element of AHS that never fails to disappoint—because it always stays the same, episode after episode—is the opening title sequence. Season four is no exception. In fact the opening titles for Freak Show are so memorable, so mesmerizing, that I had to call the guy who made them to find out how he pulled it off. You can read all of the secrets I downloaded from Kyle Cooper here. But you can get a few extra, never-before-revealed tidbits on this week's Fame Fatale episode, available right here. Also in this latest edition: Baby Vegas gets a question about Baby Vegas. Baby Vegas answers it. A listener asks about potential jail sentences for whoever is responsible for the celebrity nude-photo hacks, and I crunch the numbers. Another listener floats a conspiracy involving Facebook and celebrities. And I finally reveal what drew me to Jamaica a few weeks ago...other than, you know, a free hotel stay in Jamaica. Turns out, a few powerful folks are trying to turn Jamaica into the next North Carolina or Atlanta–film industry-wise, anyway. They plan to start with a three-picture horror franchise based on the legend of—cue lightning—the White Witch of Rose Haaaalllllll. All that and a Cage Match!

This just in: Pretty much every single new TV show debuting right now is not worth your time. I found this out because one of you asked, and because one of the greatest authorities on fall TV subsequently told me so. Let the flame wars begin. Just in case you need details—precisely how cringeworthy is The Mysteries of Laura? Is Shonda Rhimes the Antichrist or a mere limb of Satan?—that's what this new podcast is for. Along with this week's co-host, Dan Fienberg of Hitfix, I get down and dirty and explain it all. (Preview: Rimes is doing terrible things to Viola Davis. FREE VIOLA DAVIS.) My listeners also had other TV-related questions: What was up with the credits for that terrible Simpsons/Family Guy crossover? Is there a vetting process for people who want tickets to see a talk show? How does one get tickets to a talk show, anyway? And once I'm there, can I get some hair and makeup done by a glam squad please? (Preview: Good luck with all that.) One word of warning: I may sound a tad weary in this podcast. If you've been following my new Instagram account, you know I've been away in Jamaica reporting on a couple of stories I will be sharing in the near future.  And finally: Watch this space! I'll have a very-special thank-you to a jewelry-making genius of a fan, right here on the blog, later this week!

No, people. No, Matthew McConaughey is not hurting for money. Sure, he earned an upfront salary of only $200,000 for Dallas Buyers Club—not nearly enough to keep an A-lister in marijuana and bongos. And yes, he just shot a commercial for Lincoln, part of a multi-year deal that seems—seems—to demote him to the farm leagues, warming the B-list benches with the likes of The Silver Fox.  But all that does not mean that McConaughey is somehow lurching into the same financial straits as, say, a Nic Cage. He's Alright Alright Alright. I swear. In this latest episode, I explain precisely why megastars like him are shilling for cars that haven't been cool since 1989. And doesn't necessarily have anything to do with desperation. Also in this episode! Baby Vegas is back and has his own Joan Rivers story. I, however, have a better Joan Rivers story. I explain why stars keep taking nekkid photos, even though we civilians don't even take nekkid photos anymore. Your letters! Read aloud! In a brand-new segment of Burn After Reading! And so much more. Have a listen.