Ep 83: Being Safe Enough Not to Bully

Listen in as Julie and Ginger talk to Ginger Lewman about Bullying. Ginger Lewman is a national consultant & keynote speaker with ESSDACK, a non-profit education service center based in Hutchinson Kansas. She holds a Master of Science in Psychology and Special Education and Gifted Education, With 30 years in education, she inspires and helps all levels of educators figure out the hard hurdles for innovative teaching and learning.  Why do people bully? There are many reasons but Ginger boils it down to the messages we hear as kids and feeling a lack of safety, dignity and/or belonging. Ginger encourages us to get upstream and gives great strategies and tools and states that these and other tools are best utilized in an environment steeped daily in the foundation of the science of trauma and resilience-building and utilizing restorative practices whenever conflict arises anywhere. “Once we become unafraid of our own stories, we all become safer.” ~ Steve Halley Resources: www.stopbullying.gov https://www.essdack.org/ Peaceful Schools and Families: https://www.essdack.org/psf Favorite takeaways: It is difficult work for someone who is hurt, for someone who has hurt other people to move toward conflict. They’ve got to listen to them and they can only do that if I feel safe. When we’re talking about bringing people into circle toward conflict this is an opportunity for each person to examine what their role has been. It’s not just “you did it”, it’s “we are experiencing this and this is not good for any of us in our community, this isn’t about you just cleaning up what you did wrong”. It’s all of us.

In Episode 82, Ginger & Julie dig into Oxytocin. Oxytocin is often called the “love” or “cuddle” hormone. High levels of oxytocin correlate with the speed of wound healing. Research is documenting the positive effects of oxytocin in treating many conditions including heart disease, schizophrenia, diabetes, and certain kinds of cancer. For children who have experienced early adversities with attachment disorders and trauma-based impacts, increasing their oxytocin levels holds the promise of helping them emotionally, socially, relationally, and physically. Besides physical touch and affection other things that increase oxytocin: Exercise Healthy Diet Vitamin D Music The following additional resources were mentioned Dr. Stephen Porges https://www.stephenporges.com/ Amelia and Emily Nagoski https://www.burnoutbook.net/about-the-authors Dr. Louis Cozolino https://www.drloucozolino.com/ Drs. Dan Hughes and Jon Baylin -Brain-Based Parenting book- https://a.co/d/gUWRjQF

In this episode Julie and Ginger interview ATN’s dear friend, Dr. Melissa Sadin. Melissa teaches us about Hope Theory based on the work of Gwinn and Hellman and their book Hope Rising. You can check out Dr. Sadin’s books and work here: http://www.traumasensitive.com/, https://a.co/d/9x4lPtk. What is the definition of hope? Hope is setting a goal that you desire, creating a pathway toward the goal, and utilizing the willpower necessary to achieve the goal through connection to another person. Dr. Sadin further states that Hope Builds Resilience and Resilience Builds Hope. She tells us that through the following three-step process we can build hope and resilience in our children at home and students at school: 1. Set an achievable goal 2. Set the pathway -the WAYPOWER 3. Get a cheerleader- the WILLPOWER, who will help revise and check-in Melissa teaches us that: - Hope builds executive functioning capacity - Students with high hope have better attendance than students with low hope - Students with high hope have better academic outcomes than students with low hope- despite cognitive ability - Students with hope are more likely to find success in career or college sooner than students with low hope Listen in and join us in building hope!

In this Episode Julie and Ginger teach about the PolyVagal Theory and introduce us to Our PolyVagal World a new book by Dr. Stephen Porges and his son Seth Porges. Link to the book: https://www.amazon.com/Our-Polyvagal-World-Safety-Trauma/dp/1324030259 How safe we feel is crucial to our physical and mental health and happiness. When we feel safe our nervous system and entire body undergo a massive physiological shift that primes us to be healthier, happier, and smarter, to be better learners and problem solvers: to have more fun; to heal fast, and generally to feel more alive.  It is in this safe state that we can learn. When we feel safe we feel a sense of connection to ourselves and others. We are born wired to connect but when trauma enters the picture it rewires us and we feel disconnected from people, society, and our own bodies.  The impact of trauma stretches through our brain and nervous system through every part of our body changing our physical and mental health. Link to the video on our Autonomic Nervous System and how we are impacted by trauma: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdIQRxwT1I0&t=15s

In this Episode Julie and Ginger talk to Dr. Rick Cain. Rick specializes in the neuroscience of stress and well-being. He helps us explore how wellness practices in the biological domain of self-regulation, such as healthy eating, restorative sleep, and regular exercise, aid in our ability to regulate our nervous system and are pivotal for optimizing cognitive function, forming habits, and managing emotions. Rick teaches us about the concept of the "body budget," as coined by Lisa Feldman Barrett, PhD -https://lisafeldmanbarrett.com - and he ends with talking about how we can use mindfulness to help us avoid functioning on autopilot. Autopilot is a state of mind in which one acts without conscious intention or awareness of present-moment sensory perception. It's common for us to go through our days on autopilot, just trying to get through them. It's a normal part of the human experience, and it's okay sometimes to lose track of the present moment. It's important to recognize that when we're constantly on autopilot, we risk missing out on the small moments that make up our lives. The choice between operating on autopilot and cultivating a state of awareness is within our control.

In today’s episode, Ginger and Julie talk to Dr. Amy Fast. Dr. Amy is currently a superintendent in Oregon. She is an author, and education commentator, former HS principal and elementary school teacher…and she is a mom!  Her book, It’s the Mission, Not the Mandates can found at https://a.co/d/4ZtW5Kg . Listen in for these great takeaways: “Where I find kids thrive and are the most well, is when there is the magic balance of being pushed hard and loved hard. You can't have one without the other because if you have the love without that developmental push, that just right push, so that they are just enough outside their comfort zone where they're growing but not falling off the edge of the cliff then kids do become entitled or enabled, but if you have the opposite where you are always pushing them with no support, or love or affection then you have kids with suicidal ideation or poor self-concept.” “The work doesn't feel good when it's easy, it feels good when it matters and that's part of why so many educators are suffering. There is a lack of congruence between what we are asking and mandating and telling them to do and what they know in their guts actually matter for kids.”

In today’s episode, Ginger and Julie dive into Step-Parenting. Approximately 40% of all families are blended families, which are defined as divorced and/or remarried families or those living together that have children residing with one parent and possibly visiting the other, and have another adult in their lives who is the stepparent figure. Divorce is widespread, (hovering around half of all marriages.) For children, divorce is considered a traumatizing event and being raised by stepparents can be a landmine of potential trauma. That doesn’t mean we at ATN are against divorce or that we blame the adults for their decision to separate. We want parents to understand how divorce can potentially impact your children – for the rest of their lives. And how best to help them come out of it in a positive way. Here are some takeaways. Listen to your children. Give them a safe space to express themselves. Discuss and decide as a couple how you’re going to handle family dynamics and what you want for your family. Whenever possible, try to be on the same parenting page. Take co-parenting seriously. Professional help will be needed as you blend your family, Interventions can help these struggles from becoming complex traumas and resources and support are available through ATN. If you want more information about our Trauma-Informed Certification program, go to certification.attachtrauma.org.

Co-Regulation: Stepping in with soothing, responsive interactions to help a person be able to regulate their emotions.   OR Borrowing the ability to attain a regulated state from another person who is emotionally regulated and responsive to our need for assistance. First – you need to regulate yourself.   Be aware of own triggers Find /create your own system of support Find activities, interests to help you regulate (music, movies, hobbies, exercise) Find what grounds and anchors you, a source of strength, comfort, and clarity of purpose like personal faith, nature, meditations Second - let them borrow some of your regulation.   Be (and remain) present Reflect back calm and responsiveness   Hold space The final step of regulation is to actively teach children how to regulate themselves, giving them tools to use. Mindfulness Name It to Tame It   Creative Expressions of Emotions   Movement & Rhythm  Breathing   Sensory Engagement    Hunger or Thirst   Grounding Techniques   Play   Resources: Mona Delahooke https://monadelahooke.com/ Deb Dana https://www.rhythmofregulation.com/ The Whole Brain Child- Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson

In this episode, Julie and Ginger share the Five Neurodivergent Love Languages from @neurowonderful. Info dumping. Sharing information about topics that excite you and that you have an interest or passion in and sharing them in detail and length. Body Doubling/Parallel Play/Sharing Space. When people do separate activities with each other, they are not trying to influence each other's behavior. Seeking Support/Support Swapping.  Helping each other look out for themselves in small ways.  Deep Pressure. Finding a way to be grounded physically through pressure and weight  can alleviate stress.  Penguin pebbling/gift giving. This is when an ND person shows another person affection by offering them little objects, like trinkets or even memes.  Listen in as Julie and Ginger discuss that the Five Neurodivergent Love Languages are a Tool for EVERYONE! Share these with the children in your care to open dialogue about how we see and value each other and how we can better connect and understand each other. It can be a very effective way to increase communication and inclusivity.

In this Episode Julie and Ginger seek to increase awareness and acceptance of the strengths that neurodivergent children have.  Neurodiversity means valuing all types of thinking and learning equally, without considering any as superior. It focuses on equitable inclusion by accepting diverse ways of engaging with the world, rejecting the ideas that difference from the norm are problems to be fixed. ATN aligns with the belief that societal and physical barriers create disabling environments, and that impairments result from these barriers rather than from focusing on what is wrong with the person.  “Neurodivergent” describes someone whose brain works differently. A neurodivergent person often has different ways of thinking or processing the world around them than someone who’s “neurotypical” or who has what’s seen as a more standard experience. Neurodivergent people aren’t any less capable than their peers, and in fact tend to excel in more particular or specialized areas. But often our school and social structures aren’t built to accommodate ND individuals, which makes life more difficult for them.   Neurodivergent students LEARN DIFFERENTLY. Dr. Mona Delahooke teaches that we should take “differences” off a diagnostic checklist and see these differences as adaptations in the way the student processes information in the classroom.  So what should educators be doing?  Experts who work with neurodiverse students suggest Using Trauma-Informed strategies in the classroom and regulation-driven teaching models. They also highlight the importance of adapting systems and environments to support success by honoring all forms of communication as valid Resources noted in the episode https://www.templegrandin.com/ https://www.axismunditherapy.com/ https://www.kelly-mahler.com/ https://monadelahooke.com/ Listen in and Julie and Ginger share their vulnerable stories of parenting and educating their neurodivergent children in hopes of helping others walking in their shoes.