Connecting Couples

The vacation is over and now you are headed home. By plane, train or automobile, your body and your relationship are both preparing for impact. The car pulls into the driveway and what happens first? Is there a plan? How long does is take to unload and reset to start back into the routines of regular life. In this final episode of their vacation series, Chad and Angela discuss the things that can go wrong on the return. Chad is ok with going right back to work the next day- the work helps him reset. Angela needs a day to recover and reset so that the house and the family can get back on schedule. From laundry to schedules to grocery shopping to fill back up an empty fridge, listen as the Real Imhoffs talk about real returns from their travels and then have the Connect Point Conversation with your partner so that you can stay connected on your vacations from start to finish. For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com  

We all hope that once we get to our destination that everything will go smoothly, but inevitably, something will happen that we didn't expect or plan. In this episode Chad and Angela discuss several content issues that can often be places where the unexpected happens. How much to spend, what to eat, making time for physical connection and even worst case scenario events are all possible areas where are best made plans can turn into conflict and disappointment. Just like when cycles show up in distress and hijack the couple, the unexpected things hijack both individuals in the couple. Learning how to align and strategize together will help couples stay connected and flexible and give them the ability to recovery quickly from things that aren't going according to plan. Listen as The Real Imhoffs share real situations and content from their own vacations and then have a conversation with your partner that discusses how to stay aligned and in tune with each other even when everything else feels out of alignment. For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com  

It would be great if once we got to our destination everything went smoothly and as planned. It just doesn't. Inevitably, something will go wrong and when things do, it can be difficult for couples to repair quickly and get back to enjoyment.  In this episode, The Real Imhoffs talk about the real repairs that we have to do when there is a disconnection on our vacation. If we can't repair, then it takes away from the enjoyable experience we spend so much time planning. Being flexible. Assuming positive intent. Remembering that you are on the same team. These are just a few of the things that you'll need to consider to stay connected on your holiday! Listen as Chad and Angela give you examples from their own vacations and then consider having the conversation they cue up that is designed to help you recover quickly when things sideways at your destination.  For more information or to contact Chad and Angela, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com  

Couples make plans to go on vacation for the adventure, the relaxation, the experiences, but often, the departure is riddled with stress and conflict. In this episode, Chad and Angela discuss what leaving for vacation looks like.  Who determines the deadline? What do both individuals have to get done in order for to get on the road on time? There are lots of things that have to align for this to go smoothing, leaving plenty of opportunity for misunderstanding and inaccurate assumptions. Join The Real Imhoffs have they discuss real things that happen when a family tries to depart for vacation, then have a conversation with your partner about how you can make your departure go more smoothly.  For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com  

There are a lot of little decisions that go into taking a family vacation. Starting with the planning stage of deciding where and when, to agreeing on how much to spend, how much leisure versus adventure, how long to stay and what the return home looks like. In this new series, Chad and Angela encourage conversations that help you stay aligned in this process. Pursuers who like to plan can be perceived as controlling. Withdrawers who like to research and know before they make decisions can be perceived as slowing down the process and not having the same goals. Cycles and disconnections can happen quickly around an event that is designed for enjoyment and togetherness. Join The Real Imhoffs as they talk about the different stages of vacationing, from planning to departing to enjoying the time away to packing all up and heading home. Then have a conversation with your partner about what you might want to include on your next vacation. For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com  

Episode 9: Show Notes   First 5 minutes: Intro- Now that they’ve shown you several places where there is tension in their relationship, Chad and Angela start to explain how you can tell there is growth in those areas. Now that you have awareness around some of the content issues, what does continued growth look like.   How do you connect in moments of distress? The only person who can really give you assurance in the places where you have past meaning, is your partner. You can’t get the assurance you need from yourself. Feedback from the person who matters the most is what helps inform us that we are ok.   Angela explains that in those hard places, she needs to know that Chad is on her team. In the past, they used to just ‘hit the gas’ without understanding that something was happening. Now, they can slow down and acknowledge the other person’s experience. They can now take care of each other differently because they have been able to talk about it.   Minutes 5-10: You can’t remove all of the triggers in the world. All you can do is give and get assurance that even it goes wrong, you’ll be ok. A lot of energy is spent trying to get it right. It would take pressure off and decrease the energy we use if we could get some space to fail and still find acceptance from our partner.   Angela explains that for pursuers, when she knows Chad is on her team, and he is there to help her, she can be more flexible with the plans she is holding on to for safety. There is escalated energy around past would that is used to try to keep us safe can shift if we have assurance from our partner.   Chad explains that if he is spending energy and effort trying to get things perfect, then he is missing the moments- and, there is no perfect thing anyway. The only way he can get it right if he lets someone else into the space- who he knows is for him.   Minutes 10-15: Both sides of the cycle, once they sink down from the surface protection, end up turning on themselves and becoming their own worse critic. Everyone needs assurance- that our partners are there for us. We lose confidence in the assurance of our connection when we get into these negative cycles that are informed by our past wounds.   That is why we need to be able to slow down and evaluate ‘where did it go wrong?’ If a couple can slow down and share each other’s experience and do repairs around the miss, then they have a better chance of getting it better (not perfect) next time the familiar content shows up.   If you can say, ‘I feel myself doing this thing…’ and let you partner know what is happening, you have a better chance of getting ahead of it.  We feel understood by the other person when we can explain our experience and share it and get responded to.   Minutes 15-20: Often people would say, “shouldn’t you go work on that,” or “you need to go to therapy,” but the one place where we need assurance is in our most valued relationship. When our partners can know us in our insecure places and give us assurance and affirmation, we have better chance of getting the healing we need around these spots that can hijack us.   Often, these past wounds or ‘raw spots’ cause us to be self-focused. We get into protection mode and lose our connection with each other.  Angela explains a little bit about big ‘T’ trauma and little ‘t’ trauma. When it’s a big even that is traumatic, it can be easier to identify and therefore you can get the help or healing you need around those big occurrences. When there are little themes and meanings and messages that have caused pain over time, it can be harder to identify them and therefore harder to know how to find healing from its influence.   Minutes 20-23: If we can break down what is happening, we have a better chance to make a decision- together- if anything needs to change. Definitely get help and healing around the huge things that have hurt you, but also…  make an effort to understand what influenced some of the little things that have shaped the way you interact with your partner in ways that interfere with your connection.   Connect Point: In this connect point, Chad and Angela want you to take some time and discuss what it would look like to share some of the places where you have been stuck and also consider what growth could look like for you.   For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com  

Episode 8: Show Notes   First 5 minutes: Intro- Chad and Angela are breaking down content so you can get into the process and ask yourself what is going on? In this episode Chad breaks down some of his “Raw Spots” around money. He explains that growing up his family was poor and therefore he thinks about spending. He feels the need to be fragile with the money he has. Angela explains that they have been trying to get you to recognize patterns in your interactions so you can start to ask, what is at play and is ‘this’ a raw spot or is this something else?   The key is to note where the tension is and have a conversation about it. Where have you felt this tension before in your relationship and possibly even where have you felt this before- before your relationship. Early in their relationship, Angela explains that she noticed Chad was in a process that didn’t look familiar to her. So she began to ask Chad about what was going on.   Minutes 5-10: Chad admits that there is tangible energy in the process that he is in around spending. Chad and Angela discuss the cycle they got in around him spending, specifically what Chad needs from Angela as a response when he brings it up. To help you understand how to break down the content, Chad and Angela talk you through their discussion around purchasing.   Chad starts off by mentioning that it’s not only around big purchases, but that he is also in a process around smaller purchases. For clarity, Angela explains that while she can see or sometimes feel the tension around the big purchases, she was unaware that he was also struggling to make smaller purchases. Chad explains that big or small, he feels strongly that how he spends money matters.   When these ‘raw spots’ come up, it is likely that your partner won’t know how you feel because their experience is different than yours. Angela shares that she does not have a problem buying items, so it was hard for her to understand what was happening for him.   Minutes 10-15: To break down the differences for you, Angela explains that in the 11 years they have been together, she has had the same vehicle, but Chad has had 7 different vehicles and in every case there was a challenging conversation around the purchase. They share a story about buying a car for one dollar that he could fix and sell, and even making a dollar purchase took a lot of time and energy and effort trying to make sure it was the right choice.   The trap that can happen in a relationship is that it is difficult for the partner to bring up the process they see in the other partner without it landing like criticism. They explain that if the partner can approach with curiosity and an accepting tone, there is a better chance that you can get into the process that is at play. Angela says to Chad with curiosity- “Hey, something is happening for you, and I don’t understand it. Can you help me understand?”   Angela brings up 2 specific content topics that explains times when she misunderstood what he needed from her. One was about getting a third bike and the other was about upgrading watches.   Minutes 15-20: It is helpful in this process if both partners can be clear about what they are presenting or what they need. Their cycle happens when Chad present a topic of purchase and Angela isn’t sure what he needs from her? Chad starts to ask questions about why it is a difficult process for him to make a purchase. Angela mentions why there has been tension added to this process because she was critical and even accused him of buying being an idol or over-spending.   He realized that he doesn’t feel that he can ever get the purchase right. As soon as he purchases any item, it is outdated. Chad says, making a purchase, even a needed one, never provides relief, it only provides stress. Chad starts to explain what he needs which includes assurance and verbalizing that Angela believes in his ability to make a good purchase.   Minutes 20-23: It turns out that it really isn’t’ about the content. It is always about the process. You have to go through the content to get to the process, but eventually you have to sink below the content and figure out what else is at play. You have to be in tune with yourself so you can understand what is causing the internal tension.   Connect Point: We want you to take time and consider if there are themes or patterns of interaction that cause tension in your relationship. Places where you spend a lot of time and energy overthinking or over analyzing. Can you identify places where you are stuck and share them with your partner? See if your partner can help you process what is going on.   For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com  

Episode 7: Show Notes   First 5 minutes: Intro- Chad and Angela are bringing up another example of a place where they got into a cycle. They break down the content and help you understand how they had a different conversation about it. The content of this ‘fight’ is building a play structure in the back yard, which is harder than it sounds because of the slope of their backyard. As they are making plans to build it, they begin to bring their idea forward of how it should go. They agree on the majority of it. They found a used structure that they could use as a base and build on it. Angela explains that ‘step 1’ of their process is that she draws out what it will look like when it is complete and even spells out the steps she believes will achieve the desired final outcome.    Minutes 5-10 For the most part, they work well together in the start of the project. Chad seem accommodating to Angela’s idea and they continue. As it comes together, they are both working and getting along. There is a moment in a project like this where something happens and the tone shifts. There is a specific task where they have a different idea about how it should go. Several hours in, they get into a cycle where they both are ‘fighting’ for doing the project the way one of them thinks it should be done. Angela explains that at this specific point, she realizes that she can’t do this without Chad, so she has to relent. If she keeps fighting, it won’t get complete, and at that point, it getting done is more important than it being done the way she thinks it should be done.     Minutes 10-15: At this point Chad and Angela slot the conversation and try to identify things from family of origin that are influencing their interaction. Angela brings up that they both come from parents who feel strongly that ‘being right matters.’ So when both of them feel that they are right, they can shift into a position where they are attacking the other person’s position to win their own. Another thing at play from the past is that both Chad and Angela come from parents who were engineers and are problem solvers, so they both have seen what is required to get a task done. Chad discusses that it might be stubborn, but stubborn gets stuff done. And both of them feel that they know what is needed to get the project done.     As Chad and Angela continue to discuss what happened in this scenario, they realize that Chad actually becomes a Pursuer when they take on a construction project. In Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight, this is a “Demon Dialogue” fight called “Find the Bad Guy” when there is a double pursue. Minutes 15-20: Angela is a Pursuer, but in this setting, where Chad starts to Pursue, Angela realizes that if she continues to pursue her idea, there is a chance she will lose Chad and then the project won’t get done. They both articulate that they would prefer if they could overcome this and get along instead of them getting into a cycle around these projects.   Once the project is complete, they can look back and appreciate the unique contribution that the other person brought to the project, but in the moment, it is harder to see. This is why they review it after and discuss what went wrong. Connect Point: In this connect point we want you to consider if there are any areas where you flip your role or strategy. Is there any content in your relationship where the pursuer becomes the withdrawer or the withdrawer starts to pursue more? If so, how do you navigate it? Consider our fight around building projects and have a conversation with your partner about places where this might show up in your own relationship.    For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com  

Episode 6: Show Notes   First 5 minutes: Intro- Chad and Angela are bringing to you different areas where they have tension in our interactions and show you have to navigate the conversations. Both of us have experiences that are valid and deserve to be responded to, but when they push up against each other, who gets seen or heard? We’re trying to determine if some of these are “Raw Spots” or past wounds, or if they are something else.   T.E.M.P.: There is a Trigger, that brings an Emotion on line in our bodies, that activates a Meaning and moves us to Action. The topic that the Real Imhoffs discuss in this episode is ordering food at a restaurant.   Minutes 5-10: Chad explains the process that happens for him when he orders food and it doesn’t come out to the expectation, and that makes him want to send the food back. Angela discusses the tension they experience because she has a different experience than he does that pushes against how he is going to respond.   A couple will often try to mitigate the problem without ever discussing it. Each person will make adjustments to how they have typically behaved and it hasn’t gone well, so each individual is trying to solve the problem on their own.   Minutes 10-15: The goal for this is to be able to discuss patterns that are negative or that create tension and see if you can identify what is happening and can you solve the problem together to figure out what could make it better or different.   Can you identify what is going on and is it a raw spot or not? Are there any past experiences that could be influencing what is happening in the present? Angela discusses past experiences from childhood that trigger embarrassment and how those come on line when Chad wants to send food back.   Minutes 15-20: Here is how you have the conversation- you have to be able to acknowledge that both Chad and Angela have valid experiences that deserve to been seen and responded to, but their experiences push up against each other and that is where the tension is.   Often a couple will just avoid these experiences where they can’t navigate the tension. Chad and Angela want couples to be able to have conversations about what is causing the tension and what they both need to show up for each other in these moments.   Connect Point: We want you to consider how external expectations impact your internal conversations. Can the two of you how a conversation about what you both may need when external expectations did not get met and you might not see eye to eye on how to decrease the tension.   For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Episode 5: Show Notes   First 5 minutes: Intro- Chad and Angela have given a few clear examples of ‘Raw Spots’ that they had previously identified in their relationship, but now what to discuss how you know if it’s just a trigger or a little cycle, or if there is something deeper. Often times our past wounds can be around family rules or family patterns that shaped us over time but now longer work in our present relationship. Is this just an irritable day where we feel disconnected or is this something we need to unpack and shift?   Some of these family rules might even be why a couple connected in the first place, but now we can evaluate if some of those need to change. As a point of reference, it would be good to go back and listen to our series called “Staying Tuned In,” where we discuss how we send clear messages to each other when we are aligned and connected, but that sometimes we send a distorted messages and the confusion can send a couple into a cycle.   Minutes 5-10: One of the ways you can unpack a past wound is to pay attention to the times when the messages that are being communicated are distorted or confusing to understand. The first point of possibly unpacking a past wound or past influence is to recognize when the messages between the two of you start to get distorted. Is one person sending a confusing message? Or is one person having a challenge understanding the message. If so, you might slow down there and recognize that something deeper is at play.   Chad and Angela bring up a family rule that is causing tension between then and they start to unpack what else might be at play. The rule is around the content of being sick, or unproductive, or resting. The rule might be, if you aren’t doing something that contributes value, then you are valuable.   Minutes 10-15: A few examples are shared that start unpacking where this unwritten influence is at play. On vacations, it is important to get the most out of your time off. When Angela was pregnant, there was an underlying message during the second trimester, when she got sick and couldn’t do much, there was a deep down lie about feeling worthless if she wasn’t doing something.   One of the reasons Chad and Angela coupled and work well together is because they share a capacity to do a lot. They both share the same family rules around ‘doing’ and it has been a virtue- however- it is no longer working in their family- therefore they are trying to have a discussion about what is at play and how to change it.   Angela’s family of origin, modeled for her that there was always something to do. Even around play and rest- camping, fishing, traveling… there is work. There is packing and unpacking and cleaning up. Their experiences have allowed them to have full and productive experiences, but they are both discussing the need to slow down and rest more.   Minutes 15-20: We need feedback in order to know how we are doing. Feedback from our community, our family, our friends, in our circles, we see how others do things and then ask ourselves if we need to adjust how we do it. Sometimes we find that our choices fit us and we like them- so we can decide to keep them. But sometimes we recognize that our way isn’t working anymore and seeing how others do things gives us permission consider adjusting it.   What are the rules and rhythms of your life? Do you like them? If you do great- healthy people have good rhythms? Can you change the things that aren’t working, or is there a reason that you are being held to a choice based on past influence?   Connect Point: Take a few minutes and consider if there are any things that you continue to do as a rhythm or a routine that you learned in your childhood that you continue to do now. Do you like these things? Or would you like to consider changing them and why. Have a conversation with your partner about making new rules around some of the choices that were influences by your past patterns.   For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com