Because You Watched Starcrash

“What are you acting all crazy for?”The Nicolas-athon Cage-athon continues with our first Werner Herzog joint, The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call: New Orleans: Can We Possibly Fit Any More Colons into This Title? Topics discussed include the Millenium Films catalog, the film-ness of this film, Herzog’s career, breaking the 180-degree rule, Terence’s “save the cat” moment, a fine Goodfellas comparison, the reptile hallucinations, the weirdness that makes this different from a usual crime story, symbolism of reptiles in depictions of drug use, fish associated with goodness and purity, Terence’s moral lines, the disturbing nature of the club parking lot scene, comparison with Snake Eyes and commentary on happy endings and redemption, Pruit as a force of evil, making us feel bad about identifying with a bad guy, the viral scene of his confrontation in the care facility, a brief explanation of points in betting, the first Bad Lieutenant, sightings of General Zod and Fairuza Balk, Armand as a good cop, some New Orleans chat, a bit on Mary Sues, dancing souls, the questions posed by film, and getting crunchitized by the captain.

“I cried throughout the entire thing. It made me want to be a better man.”  We’re at the end of an era, folks. The Nicolas Cage season of Because You Watched Starcrash draws to a close with our obligatory holiday movie and a spectacular piece of metafiction. Your Distinguished Professors and salute the man of the hour. Topics discussed include our latest accompanying whiskey, yet another manifestation of the Magical Negro, movies that get dads to cry, Cash’s alignment is called into question, nostalgia for pre-9/11 airport security, the apparent intense bone-ability of Jack, the lack of clear thinking at the airport, Téa Leoni’s shower scene, the relative lack of crazy-Cage in FM, comparison with The Good Place (with light spoilers), Jack’s life is actually pretty good prior to the glimpse, speculation about the dimensional or time-travel issues involved with the glimpse, Cage’s bad Boston accent, Nicky’s outfit and hairstyle as a callback to Cage’s infamous 1990 talk show appearance, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, some obligatory ribbing of M. Night Shyamalan, a nihilistic callback to Pig, speculation about drinking a beer underwater, parallel with Ex Machina, amazing Cage/ Pascal chemistry, Cage making out with Nicky, our three favorite movies, always trusting our shamanic instincts as thespians, the cruel end of the glimpse, the absurdity of being “trapped” in marriage to a Hollywood actress, parallels between FM and a Hallmark movie, a bleak interpretation of the end of FM, a quick PKD reference, being haunted by a lost alternate past, not one but TWO Nick Cage Queries, and our future date with Paddington 2.

Vampire’s Kiss (1988)  “You’re in the goddamn crapper, Loew, and I’m trying to take a dump. So either shut up and leave the acting lessons for home or go back to the ladies’ room.” Is it a deft American Psycho-level satire, a taut supernatural or psychological thriller, or insane, ridiculous crap? That’s the question facing our Distinguished Professors as they discuss the 1988 Nicolas Cage meme-fest Vampire’s Kiss.  Let’s see if they find an answer. Topics discussed include gratuitous displays of alphabet-yelling, Cage’s love for this movie and role, Loew as a Renfield, a plug for proper hydration, the mystery of the imaginary (?) psychiatrist, Renfield’s a bug-eating simp, a plan for the holiday special that we don’t follow, a digression into the literary origins of vampires, late-80s hair and fashion, musing on whether Cage’s antics fit this movie, the role of ambiguity here, parallels with Joker, Loew’s awful Philadelphian accent, weird camera shots, the fake dialogue with Jackie on the way back to Loew’s apartment, Loew’s gradual descent into madness and how this movie takes its time, Alva as the center of both the movie’s corporate satire and its cruelty, the ambiguity of the murder, weird comedic moments, a possible fourth wall break, the roach-eating scene, Nosferatu playing in the background, the violent mimes and veering into the territory of the art film, Loew’s façade of culture, vampire practice, “BOO HOO!”-ing, Cage’s physical acting, a cheap postcard to New York, Loew’s prior scumbag behavior, and the state of contemporary art in the 1980s. Plus, look: soup! 

“Where’s Conan when you need him?” The distinguished professors discuss Jim Wynorski’s The Lost Empire and continue to do this profit-turning genius appropriate homage. Topics include trying to figure out what genre this film fits into, comparison with Fu Manchu, its Producers-like origins, self-aware dumbness and sexploitation, connections with Russ Meyer, Elvira-level wordplay, video game structure, 80s action movie racism, the movie’s clarity of plot, Anthony Kiedis’s dad, Wynorski’s open sleaziness, the insanity of the prison fight, the shampoo commercial-style hair flip, Rick as a Chuck Norris parody, Corman and women’s prisons, the Wynorski documentary Popatopolis, and the importance of eyebrow grooming when you’re a brutal henchman. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Ho-Ho-Hallmark Holiday Special A Christmas Wedding Tail (2011), A Christmas Melody (2015), and Christmas Mail (2010)  “Don’t worry, I’m a city girl. This small town is not for me.”  Welcome to our 2023 Holiday Special, in which your three Distinguished Professors move from the big city to a small town and find love in only the most formulaic of ways! We invite our podcast’s first special guest, Jackie, to experience this holiday Hallmark (and faux-Hallmark) hell with us. Topics covered include multiple false starts, the lack of conflict and deceit in the classic Hallmark movie, the general definition of a Hallmark movie, a quick mention of Santa’s Summer Home, the amazing whiteness of the couples involved and moments of casual racism, a defense of the dog voice-acting, a bit of research about MOMA and MOCA, bitchy antagonists, the foolishness of getting married over a major Christian holiday, desperately searching for a conflict and a dog love story (and dignity for the annoying musician pal) in ACWT, the weird platonic gal pal singer in ACM, death as the new divorce, the actual conflict and lack of cinematography in CM, a quick comparison of the auteur directorial work of Mariah Carey and William Shatner, the increasing diversity of these movies over time, the superior soundtrack of ACM, Lacey Chabert and some Party of Five talk, Folgers product placement, May-December shenanigans, a stolen joke about Peter North, comparison of CM and Elf, picks for next year’s Christmas Special, Mariah Carey’s weird-looking hands, some fine double entendre, CM as a bought-on-Wish version of a Hallmark movie, the role of wish fulfillment and predictability in these movies, trickery on behalf of supernatural or mundane forces, emotionally-scarring animal films, the definition of a groupie, manipulative children, Lacey Chabert’s odd resemblance to public groping enthusiast Lauren Boebert, the specter of dead parents, the grimmer specter of failure, reflection on what makes a good formulaic movie, the living hell of the looming threat of the ACWT family honeymoon, the 10/3 ratio, a standing invitation to Jay Mohr, and keeping it Hallmark. 

Willy's Wonderland (2021) - Because You Watched Starcrash

“I had a miserable time tonight because of you.” It’s our first Francis Ford Coppola joint on Because You Watched Starcrash! And Kathleen Turner! Oh, and some other guy who was once named Coppola is in it, too. Your Distinguished Professors watched an early entry in the Nicholas Cage-verse, Peggy Sue Got Married, and now you’re going to hear about it! Topic discussed include Madonna’s genitals, the right level of weird vs. Nicholas Cage-levels of weird, Charlie’s insane appearance at the class reunion, a brief comparison with Somewhere in Time, the transition point from the 50s to the 60s and yet another appearance of David Sirota’s Back to Our Future, the inevitable contrast with Back to the Future, Charlie’s lack of transformation or growth, a brief discussion of the Ordo Templi Orientis and the Oddfellows, John Carradine’s last movie, what we’d do if we could go back in time knowing what we know now, the appeal of the 1950s for white and middle- to upper-class folks, the fine soundtrack, more casual 1980s anti-Asian racism, Michael’s book’s dedication as the only evidence this isn’t a dream, the Cage vs. Turner libel lawsuit, Charlie’s near-murder of Peggy Sue, Charlie as the worst of the 1950s and the worst of the 1980s, lots of subtlety, a brief moment of praise for Sofia Coppola, the role of wish fulfillment here, Michael as the flawed critique of the 1950s, the deep mystery of the grandparents, Peggy Sue’s change of perception, Jim Carey as a force for sanity and normalcy in comparison, and a debate about whether this is a “movie” or a “film.” Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

“This is a story whose chapters were carefully written.” In their ongoing exploration of the filmography of one Nicolas “Jor-El” Cage, the Distinguished Professors have watched the 2006 remake of The Wicker Man, which has 100% less depth and 1000% fewer boobs (don’t check my math) than the original. Topics covered include the intense dumbness of the conspiracy to trap our hero, the clunkiness of the dialogue, the universal dour evil of women in this movie universe, ACAB (All Cops Are Bumblers), the Safety Dance, misogyny and the awful addition of gender conflict to this movie, the “dark comedy” issue, multiple JJ Abrams references, the necessity for some people to get their stupid asses stung to death by bees, the uncertain origin of elbow patches, the cinematic creepiness of twins, Don Quixote references, the on-the-nose William Blake quote, the insistence on the omnipresence of misanthropy in a work of misogyny, Willow’s unclear motivation, a quick shout-out to Robert Evans and Behind the Bastards regarding Ellen Burstyn’s mistreatment on the set of The Exorcist, the intense pointlessness of watching the PG-13 cut of this movie, the Children of God and “flirty fishing,” and the final middle finger of dedicating this crap to Johnny Ramone. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Ho-Ho-Holiday Special III – GI Joe: A Real American HeroEpisode 1:39, “Cobra Claws are Coming to Town” (1985) and He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special (1985) “Well, I don’t like to feel good. I like to feel EVIL!” Your Distinguished Professors have prepared quite the holiday treat – we’re going back to 1985 with two ridiculously bad extended yuletide toy commercials! Topics discussed include constant Skeletor impersonations, our sense of nostalgia takes a punch to the gut, the weirdness of Horde Prime and the idea that both Hordak and Skeletor are just middle managers, Adora and Adam are Jesus, Jesus conveniently edited out of the Christmas tale, the terrible character design of the Monstroids and Manchines, clear competitive pressure from Transformers, the Beast Monster and the Snow Beast, the omission of Cringer/ Battle Cat, the absurdity of Adam’s voice, our attempts to explain Christmas to aliens, Adora’s fascist past, a quick reference to The Toys That Made Us, Filmation and Sunbow, the fascination with transformation sequences, Orko is a kidnapper, naked time travel, the creepiness of Adora and Adam’s relationship, Tom of Finland and Fisto, Hordak’s flying sex toy, skeletons are only real when they are inside of us and the innate scariness of a skull face, another flagrant violation of the prime directive, Shipwreck’s eventual transformation into Shore Leave of The Venture Bros., Shipwreck’s parrot is his top, Destro’s lame shrink/ growth ray, Destro’s status as an arms-designing mercenary, Cobra Commander’s mask change part way through the episode, the innate weirdness of 1980s kids’ toy franchises, Duke asserts his manliness, double bagging is a bad idea, the amazingly low stakes of GI Joe, the ”porkchop sandwiches” parody of GI Joe’s public service announcements, and our Joe code names and specialties. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Back to the Future(1985), Back to the Future Part II (1989), and Back to the Future Part III (1990) “What are you looking at, Butthead?” In an amazing finale, your time-traveling Distinguished Professors end their journey with the Back to the Future trilogy! Topics discussed include Back to the Future’s enduring excellence, the issues with the sequels, Part II’s surprisingly weak visual effects (other than the various duplicate actor shots), the Jaws jokes in Part II, Goldie Wilson and Chuck Berry as time-travel causality conundrums, Part I as the perfect script, yet another discussion of David Sirota’s Back to Our Future and the 1980s’ pop culture connection back to the 1950s, a weird quiz for Clink, the removal of Crispin Glover, runaway product placement, perceptions of time travel shown in the movies, dark theories regarding multiple dead Martys, a bit about how the DeLorean time travels, the badassery of James Tolkan, Mary Steenburgen as the eternal time traveling weirdo’s girlfriend, Pat Buttram’s brief appearance, Marty’s darling atomic cowboy outfit and an unexpected criticism of 1950s nostalgia for the Old West, Marty’s ancestor is boning his mom’s ancestor (?!), a shoutout to the Wizard and the Bruiser podcast and Marty’s “chicken” hubris, future Biff is disturbingly Trump-y, Flea’s cameo, Doc would fail Temporal Ethics at Starfleet Academy, our impending date with Howard the Duck, the weird choice of ZZ Top to be the soundtrack pop song anchor for Part III, the great Alan Silvestri score, a callback to Action Replayy, incest comes up yet again, the two tension-building clocks in Part I and the color-coded logs in Part III, the radically different landscape for Part III, our ideal retrofutures, a gold star for Marty for not murdering Mad Dog Tannen, and making like a tree and getting out of here. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/