Ep. 100: Could the Word "Narcissist" Be Setting Us Back?

In this episode, I sit down with author and licensed therapist Chelsey Brooke Cole to discuss her experiences navigating abusive relationships, even while working as a therapist herself. We explore how her abuser used the appearance of openness and honesty, along with claims of sex addiction, to explain away his behavior. This made it even harder to recognize what was really happening: coercive control.All of Chelsey's Links: https://bit.ly/m/chelseybrookecole?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAcGRvZgJzcnRjBmFwcF9pZA85MzY2MTk3NDMzOTI0NTkAAad2MC6EELQUm6YLWRvkZR-rBIDDpVfJz1kzjeEMLMTSWBCwH7n0X04EeMwm5A_aem_GudrpdtcWnJyI-Re39q0LAChelsey's Book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0C6JCFP3Z?lv=shuf&psc=1&th=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=usalinktagdefault-20&geniuslink=true&channelId=1&plpRedirect=mhFallbackChelsey's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chelseybrookecole/?hl=enBook a 1:1 with Grace: https://linktr.ee/gracestuart01?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAcGRvZgJzcnRjBmFwcF9pZA85MzY2MTk3NDMzOTI0NTkAAaeZt1XPwn0kyo0xUQMyvBm7IF0jAcanCPVuVDbdhg010-QlWj8Sh81hoCNdkg_aem_j-tliUdKFKD0jPq1kYeuKQAimee Says AI Tool: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/select Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode that originally aired on February 10th, Kelly shares her experience of being in a relationship where reality was constantly twisted. Her abuser was skilled at blame-shifting, making her feel like she was the problem for asking reasonable questions, having needs, or expecting basic respect.What made it even more confusing was how differently he showed up to the rest of the world. Friends, family, and acquaintances saw someone charming, easygoing, and well-liked. That contrast left Kelly feeling isolated, disoriented, and unsure of her own perception.This conversation is especially for anyone who is standing on the edge of a major commitment (like a wedding) and your gut is telling you something isn’t right, this episode may help you feel less alone, less dramatic, and more grounded in your truth. Sometimes the hardest thing isn’t leaving—it’s trusting yourself enough to believe what you already know.Guest Information: Kelly's Instagram pages- https://www.instagram.com/the.kellymichelle/?hl=en and https://www.instagram.com/ordinarilygolden/?hl=en Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

How do we read between the lines when our abuser has gotten really good at coloring within the lines?Deploying control often looks like mastering their craft and becoming “less messy.” As abusers become more skilled at controlling their partners, their methods may become harder to recognize, explain, and prove to others.We also talk about how they use "non-expensive" methods of control because "expensive methods" of abuse can leave evidence, make it easier for others to believe you, or help you trust yourself. This episode is about learning to look beyond what is obvious and recognizing the control that exists between the lines.All Links: Aimee Says tool: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/selectBook a 1:1 with Grace: https://tr.ee/SKRHbDuUnZApply to be on the show: https://tr.ee/SKRHbDuUnZThe Control Code episode (Lindsay): https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-92-abusers-dont-lose-control-they-deploy-it-with/id1742281264?i=1000778726836 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, Hannah shares her story of what happens when coercive control slowly changes who you are.One of the things that ultimately helped Hannah leave was seeing the cycle of abuse unfold in such a short, compressed period of time. When the highs, lows, conflict, consequences, and reconciliation began happening so close together, she was able to see the pattern more clearly—and recognize that this wasn’t a series of isolated incidents.She also shares how he would repeatedly tell her that she needed to get out and pack her things. This became a powerful way of reversing victim and offender and shifting responsibility onto her.Aimee Says tool: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/selectBook a 1:1 with Grace: https://tr.ee/SKRHbDuUnZGuest Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/haannahdanielle/?hl=en Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, I’m sharing my honest thoughts on whether the word “narcissist” may actually be setting us back when it comes to understanding abuse and coercive control.We talk about why focusing so heavily on whether an abusive person is a “narcissist” can sometimes distract from what matters most: the behavior, the patterns, the power dynamics, and the impact of the abuse.I share my perspective on why I think it’s worth taking a step back from the narcissism conversation and looking more closely at coercive control and the dynamics of abuse.A Resource for Survivors: If you’re looking for additional support, check out Aimee Says, an AI tool designed to help survivors of domestic abuse.Use code GRACE at checkout: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/select Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, Helen shares her story of the subtle ways coercive control made her believe that she was the problem.She shares how he repeatedly blamed her for leaving “right when he was about to get things right,” pressured her sexually by suggesting other women would pursue him if she wasn't "his covering, and even involved their children by asking, “Do you want Dad to have to get a girlfriend?”Helen also describes how he compared her to other women and used criticism about her being “clumsy” to make her second-guess herself and constantly walk on eggshells.What looked like frustration, disappointment, or relationship problems was part of a larger pattern designed to shift the blame onto Helen and keep her focused on fixing herself.Aimee Says AI Tool: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/selectUse Code GRACE at checkout for a discount.Helen's Instagram page: https://www.instagram.com/helennataliec/?hl=en Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

How do you know when an abuser’s “change” is actually just another form of control?In this episode, I break down the clear signs that an abusive person is not truly changing, including real text messaging examples and behaviors you may see after leaving.I also talk about how you can respond in a way that gives you greater clarity and helps you recognize a stream of clues that the change is performative or temporary. We’ll talk about using boundary setting as a tool for yourself (not because you expect a coercive controller to respect your boundary indefinitely), but because a boundary can create a marker for YOU to refer back to. Their response to that boundary can give you a stream of new evidence to help you remain focused while you are away from them.If you’re struggling to determine whether someone is truly changing or simply changing tactics, this episode is for you.Aimee Says AI Tool: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/select - use code GRACE for a discount.Abusive Men Describe the Benefits of Violence Article: https://www.bwss.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/Quotes used from the book "Why Does He Do That" Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If you never read another book, listen to another podcast, or consume another piece of content about abuse, there is one thing I want you to understand:If you continue looking at your relationship through an incident-based lens, you will always end up asking the wrong questions. You’ll focus on individual moments — What did he say? What did I say? What happened right before the argument? Could I have handled that differently? Did I contribute to this? each incident, it becomes incredibly easy to conclude that you could have done something differently.That is exactly why pattern-based thinking is so important.Instead of examining each incident as though it exists independently, pattern-based thinking asks you to step back and look at what is happening over time. What function does his behavior serve? What does it consistently produce? What happens to you as a result?The more you analyze individual incidents, the easier it becomes to put yourself on trial. An incident-based lens can leave you endlessly trying to solve individual moments. A pattern-based lens allows you to finally see the system you are living inside. Write These Questions DownAs you listen, I want you to write these questions down and begin applying them to the interactions you have experienced:What is the function?What outcome is this producing?Why does this work?What about this is effective?How does this destabilize me?What is the sentence designed to do?What is the impact on me?How does this erode my clarity?These questions move you away from “What happened in this one argument?” and toward “What is this behavior accomplishing within the larger pattern?”That shift can change everything.Aimee Says Link: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/home?via=graceUse Code "GRACE" for a discount.Schedule a 1:1 with me here: https://linktr.ee/gracestuart01?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAcGRvZgJleHRuA2FlbQIxMQBzcnRjBmFwcF9pZA85MzY2MTk3NDMzOTI0NTkAAadSCqIThrr8DL-EI5lNwPKf4xpSvBk5gz2uryK-e1VOqEVdiXi2-vlkNuEVTw_aem_HJGz5_nmZ5wQrP2wQInssw Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, I sit down with Wednesday to talk about how the nervous system can become attached to predictability—even when that predictability is harmful—and how an abuser can become both the poison and the antidote, the distress and the comfort.Wednesday shares how her ex used martial arts, clumsiness, and “accidents” to explain away physical trespasses—creating just enough "truth" to make her question what was actually happening.We also unpack:Why we sometimes wish our abuser would do something obvious enough to finally give us permission to leave.How early lack of commitment can look like the opposite of control, making us chase harder and overlook warning signs.“Why are you making me out to be the bad guy?” / “You think I’m some kind of monster?” / “Why do you always assume the worst of me?”How phrases like “You’re making an elephant out of a mosquito” turn legitimate concerns into evidence that we are the problem.Why physical abuse is so often accompanied by an explanation: “I didn’t slam the door on you—you didn’t move.” “I didn’t kick you—you walked into my foot.” “I wasn’t pushing you—I was trying to calm you down.”How an impending exit date can change an abuser’s behavior—less arguing, more emotional withdrawal, and a relationship that suddenly appears “peaceful,” making you question whether leaving is really necessary.Links & Codes:Aimee Says Code: Use code GRACE at checkout: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/select"If He Hit Me I Would Leave" Poem: https://emmarosebyham.substack.com/p/if-he-hit-me-i-would-leave-himGuest's Instagram Page: https://www.instagram.com/wednesdaysamantha/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ali shares the brutal reality of trying to leave an abusive relationship and how, after leaving and returning over and over again, she began to lose trust in her own ability to stay gone.In this episode, we talk about:Why repeated leaving and returning can create a deep distrust in yourself.How isolation can make you feel that talking to your family “too much” is strange or abnormal.How she began hiding the truth from friends and family in an attempt to reclaim autonomy over her own decisions.The mind game of believing, “If I can just be perfect enough, maybe we can get back to how things were in the beginning.”How abusers capitalize on partial truths and technicalities to shift blame and make you question your own reality.Why focusing on the technical details of an incident can make you completely miss the larger pattern of coercive control.And finally, what changed when Ali became ruthless about staying gone.Guest details are private for now, but listeners can DM me on @whyshestayedpodcast on Instagram if you would like to request to message Ali. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.