S3E3: Melisa

Margy is joined by Alicia Cramer on this episode of We Get it Your Dad Died. Growing up, Alicia's mother went through a series of abusive relationships and would often drop her off at a relatives house to stay safe. As she got older, she realized that she was repeating the self-destructive patterns that her mother had demonstrated for her. The healing that she needed was not happening, and instead her anxieties grew to the point where they were running her everyday life. Was she going to let them?   Alicia dove into every holistic healing modality that she could find. As she explored about the principles of energy, she realized that the first step was to take personal responsibility.

In this episode of we get it your dad died, Margy invites Melisa Keenan on the show. Melisa's father was a free-spirit and street drug addict for most of his life. When Melisa needed it most, he tamed himself and those who knew him were so excited that he finally found the motivation to turn his life around. Three weeks later, he was diagnosed with cancer.    This episode will make you laugh and cry as you hear Melisa share the stories of her father and how her relationship with him evolved, even after his passing.

In this episode of We Get it Your Dad Died, Margy Feldhuhn is joined by Sam Jayanti. At 12 years old, both of Sam's parents and her brother died in a plane crash. She was left with her nanny and her dog to recover from this tragedy. The three of them moved to India to live with Sam's aunt and uncle with this question: Will we survive this, or will it ruin us?  Listen to Margy and Sam discuss the impact this tragedy has had on her. She swallowed her vulnerability, and it wasn't until she was in college college when one person was the catalyst to begin her healing journey.

In the first episode of season 3 for We Get it Your Dad Died, Margy Feldhuhn invites Suzy Ashworth to discuss the loss of her parents. Suzy's foster parents were found in the back of a magazine and they raised her from the age of 3 months old. In this conversation, they discuss how Suzy's parents raised her and her sister in an environment that balanced freedom with building a strong work ethic. They explore how the relationship between themselves and their loved ones evolve even after they pass, and how these reflections impact their lives.

What if the things you feel most shame about have nothing to do with who you are as a person? This episode offers the most powerful gift of all; freedom from shame and self loathing. In this finale episode of Season 2, we break from the norm. This conversation doesn't feature a death, but is one of the most profound and valuable conversations I've ever had. We went deep into topics like codependency, binge eating, self harm and boundaries. Elisabeth Kristof shares incredible wisdom that will make you rethink everything you thought you knew about trauma, grief and those negative habits that seem to keep playing out in your life, no matter how much you try to change. When you look at your "toxic traits" through the lens of a dysregulated nervous system, you are suddenly free to drop the self judgement and shame and create a new possibility. Elisabeth also offers actionable tips to get regulated and start healing right away. No matter who you are or what you've done, this episode will bring you peace. Learn more about Elisabeth's work at brainbased-wellness.com and check out her video drills to help you regulate your central nervous system when you're experiencing stress.

How often do you actually see other people? How often do you make eye contact and smile at the person working at the grocery check out? Do you always take the opportunity to be present and fully acknowledge the human being right in front of you? This conversation with Tracy Litt inspired me to change the way I approach all these small interactions throughout the day. Tracy's mother Toby was a master at this. She always took the opportunity to let others know they were seen and loved, even strangers. This was the first ever episode where I issued a challenge. In a world that is increasingly divided, #thetobychallenge is a call to intentionally see and connect with the people in your daily life. Check out Tracy's episode where she generously shares the wisdom she learned from her mom Toby, and if you decide to take on #thetobychallenge tag us and let us know! I can think of no more fitting legacy for Toby than to spread some much needed love and connection. ❤️ Especially around the holidays, you never know who really needs a genuine smile or kind word. Connect with Tracy at thelittfactor.com and on social media @thelittfactor

How do we grieve an abuser? I am so grateful to Monique Allen for being willing to share so openly on this episode. This is a conversation that is very underrepresented in the dialogue about grief. There aren't enough spaces talking openly about grief in any capacity, but in the ones that do exist so often it's a conversation around healing from the loss of someone described by all as a great person. While no one is perfect, the dead sometimes take on a Saint like quality in the minds of those left behind. But for some grievers whose loved ones were difficult or even abusive in life, it is not so easy to imagine them with rose colored glasses. Still, the pain and grief of losing someone who was abusive or sometimes hard to love is no less valid and no less painful. I believe this type of grief can be even more complex because of the seeming opposition of the persons imperfection, with our very real feelings of love and heartbreak at their loss. Add to this the trauma from our past interactions with them getting triggered and kicked up by the loss, and you have a very courageous healing journey. The choice to forgive an abuser is an extremely personal one, but one Monique made for herself and her own healing. If you are grieving an abusive parent (even if they are still alive), a mentally ill loved one or even the loss of a toxic relationship, I hope this conversation is healing for you and a reminder that you are not alone. Regardless of how your person acted in life, your feelings of loss are valid, as are feelings of relief or anything else that comes up. People are complex, and nuanced and multi dimensional and so is loss. And if no one has told you recently, you are so so brave.  Connect with Monique on Instagram @monique.allen and on her business' account @thegardencontinuum

Ali was only 21 years old when he died unexpectedly on the operating table during a routine appendix surgery. I sat down with Ali's dad Mo Gawdat, best selling author and former Chief Business Officer of Google X, to discuss the incredible aftermath of that loss. When you hear about Ali, he strikes you as being more of a spiritual teacher than your average 20 year old, and the wisdom and kindness he showed in his life is something people of all ages can learn from. Mo addresses grief from the perspective of a brilliant engineer, a truly unique approach that I know many will benefit from. This was one of my absolute favorite conversations; we talked about everything from kindness to strangers to the nature of reality and whether quantum physics can prove that life is more like a video game than we might think. Mo shares why he was inspired by Ali to give up a life that was externally wildly successfully (think 16 car garage) to embark on his mission of making 1 billion people happy. This is the longest episode in the series because it was one of those conversations you just never want to end. I hope you get as much out of it as I did!  You can learn more about Mo and his work at www.mogawdat.com, connect with him on Instagram @mo_gawdat, and check out his podcast, Slow Mo.

Richard Carlson was 45 and in seemingly perfect health when he died suddenly of a pulmonary embolism on a flight from California to New York. Richard is well known as the best selling author of the self help classic, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff." I spoke with Richard's wife Kristine Carlson, a best selling author in her own right, about the impact of losing Richard so suddenly. Her perspectives on grief, loss, and creating joy out of even the darkest moments are powerful. She also shared a story that I guarantee will make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up because it is SO unbelievable. Connect with Kristine at kristinecarlson.com and check out her book HeartBroken Open: A True Story of Coming Alive Again After Profound Loss.

In the final episode of Season One of We Get It Your Dad Died, host Margy Feldhuhn speaks with Debra Driscoll.   Debra Lynne Driscoll is a Grief Guide, Author, Healer, and Speaker. Through spiritual practice and creative process, Debra works with groups and individuals to ease the 'ouch' of loss and open to the heart and soul expansion possible when we surrender and journey with life, death, grief, and loss. Debra first dealt with the grief after the man she loved took his life. Debra was only 20. Seven months later, Debra's father unexpectedly died. She felt like she was swimming in grief, with massive waves hitting her. That's when Debra began her journey of healing and grieving.  She realized she couldn't continue to deny it, or force herself to be so busy that she doesn't have the time to process it. Grief would come, seemingly out of nowhere, and strike Debra down again. Grief continues to get heavier the longer you go without processing it. Debra was on her journey of exploring spiritual practices and healing techniques so she could then process her grief. One month before her son Sage's 11th birthday, he passed away unexpectedly in his sleep. Debra was entirely devastated. She asked herself, "If I apply all these things that I have learned, will I be able to swim in these waves?" That is what helped Debra pick herself up and process the grief of losing her son. Grief is not linear. Processing her grief was a series of surrenders for Debra. She continued returning to the promise she made to herself: "I will work with this, I will not deny this. I will continue to surrender to the question, what is here for me, what can I learn, what is possible within this?" That was a grounding place for Debra to return to when she was lost at sea under the waves of grief. In Debra's healing work, she uses the concept that grief has relationship to joy. If we minimize one feeling, like grief, we minimize them all, like joy. When grief comes to the heart, the heart breaks and that's universal. Debra asks, how do we build the capacity of our heart? If we are seeking more joy, how can we build that?    Debra started thinking about building muscle. When we work out and strengthen our muscles, the muscles are sore the next day because our muscle fibers have been stretched and broken. The process of those fibers healing themselves is what strengthens our muscles. Debra applied this concept to our hearts. Grief comes and breaks our heart and the process of working with grief helps us to build those fibers back together and strengthens that heart.   You can connect with Debra at Debralynnedriscoll.com. At her website, you can purchase her memoir, or you can download a sample read.