For the Uniform (DS9)

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 7, Episodes 4–5. First broadcast on Monday 11 October 1993 and Monday 18 October 1993. Stardate: 47135.2. Unless you’re Gene Roddenberry, you’ll undoubtedly love a good swashbuckling Star Trek romp, full of action, wit, violence and camp. But there’s not much of that in this week’s lacklustre blockbuster, where we’re mostly scanning things and bypassing the aft plasma couplings, and only occasionally donning a funny hat or a genre-appropriate leather harness. Patrick, Brent and Jonathan are having some fun though, and on some days that’s almost enough.

Star Trek: Voyager, Series 3, Episode 19. First broadcast on Wednesday 26 February 1997. Stardate: Unknown (2373). Two of Voyager’s more likeable characters succumb to a Large Braga Asshole Field in an episode beset by rudimentary effects and sluggish action sequences, while Joe and Nathan imagine what might have been.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 5, Episode 22. First broadcast on Monday 5 May 1997. Stardate: 50814.2. A high-concept Star Trek episode about quantum fluctuations gives way to a human story about what we owe to each other, a story about time, love, identity and self-sacrifice, where solving this week’s intractable space problem matters so much less than simply doing the right thing.

Star Trek: Enterprise, Series 1, Episode 11. First broadcast on Wednesday 28 November 2001. Stardate: Unknown (2151). This week, Enterprise is beset once again by the Temporal Cold War, in the form of two guys who won’t stop talking about the Temporal Cold War, a conflict so subtle and urgent that no one can explain what it is or why anyone should care about it. And in a breathtaking B-plot, a bunch of be-latexed men drop by for a religious ceremony audacious in both its meaninglessness and its orthogonality to everything else in the episode.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 2, Episode 4. First broadcast on Monday 12 December 1988. Stardate: 42402.7. An experimental quantum probability field causes the entire Enterprise crew to completely forget what humour is and how to do it. An agonising forty-five minutes, only relieved by the sight of beautiful Billy Campbell wandering through the corridors dressed as a pirate. (It’s just possible that the same field has caused the writers to forget how human behaviour works as well.)

Star Trek: Picard, Series 3, Episode 5. First broadcast on Thursday 16 March 2023. Stardate: 78186.03. To celebrate USTP’s 200th episode, Joe and Nathan spend an hour skulking around the dark but beautifully designed corridors of the USS Titan, avoiding a murderous Jack Crusher and trying to stay of the way of the intimidating Bajoran Starfleet Intelligence operative who is apparently here to arrest fan favourites Admiral Picard and Captain Riker. It’s like an alternate timeline where Star Trek: The Next Generation is dramatically and impractically lit, full of incident, and sceptical about the 1990s belief in the End of History. Here’s to the next 200.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 5, Episode 13. First broadcast on Monday 3 February 1997. Stardate: 50485.2. This week, the Federation faces a dramatic new adversary: Maquis leader and musical theatre gay, Michael Eddington. Sisko is not happy.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 4, Episode 9. First broadcast on Monday 19 November 1990. Stardate: 44307.3. This week: an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation split roughly equally between saying goodbye to a beloved crew member and taking out the garbage — without saying anything very interesting about either. Apart from some memorable visuals, it’s mostly the kind of thing enjoyed by people who think that modern Star Trek seasons are too short.

Star Trek: Short Treks, Series 2, Episode 4. First broadcast on Thursday 12 December 2019. Stardate: Unknown (2266–2285). A vivid, propulsive and charming love letter to Star Trek: The Original Series this week, of a kind that would have been completely unimaginable during the long 90s. Star Trek tries its hand at animation for the first time since the 70s, and the result is an incredible success, paving the way for even more brilliant and visually stunning Star Trek to come.

Star Trek: Lower Decks, Series 2, Episode 7. First broadcast on Thursday 23 September 2021. Stardate: 58109.3. Even as the sun with purple-colour’d face   Had ta’en his last leave of the weeping morn   Prince Andy Billups knew his proper place   Starfleet he loved, but love he laugh’d to scorn:     His doting mother makes amain unto him,     And sends her prettiest guards at once to woo him.