Ars Longa, Vita Brevis

This is the final episode of The UNSONG Audiobook Podcast for the foreseeable future. I have begun my new podcast, "Fluidity", in which I am narrating the non-fiction book "Meaningness", by David Chapman. Scott Alexander is the author of "The Girl Who Poked God With A Stick", but unlike the other short stories on this podcast, he never posted this one to his Slate Star Codex blog. Enjoy!

The man standing outside my front door was carrying a clipboard and wearing a golden robe. "Not interested," I said, preparing to slam the door in his face. "Please," said the acolyte. Before I could say no he'd jammed a wad of $100 bills into my hand. "If this will buy a few moments of your time." It did, if only because I stood too flabbergasted to move. Surely they didn't have enough money to do this for everybody. "There is no everybody," said the acolyte, when I expressed my bewilderment. "You're the last one. The last unenlightened person in the world." This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2019/11/04/samsara/

"Reddit has a feature where you can sort posts by controversial. Controversy sells, so we trained our network to predict this too. The project went to this new-ish Indian woman with a long name who went by Shiri, and she couldn't get it to work, so our boss Brad sent me to help. Shiri had tested the network on the big 1.7 billion comment archive, and it had produced controversial-sounding hypothethical scenarios about US politics. So far so good. The Japanese tested their bioweapons on Chinese prisoners. The Tuskegee Institute tested syphilis on African-Americans. We were either nicer or dumber than they were, because we tested Shiri's Scissor on ourselves." This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2018/10/30/sort-by-controversial/

"When you first take the Artifact, you will see a vision of ALPHANION, Demon-Sultan of the Domain of Order, who appears as a grid of spheres connected by luminous lines. Alphanion will urge you to use the Artifact to enforce cosmic order, law at its most fundamental." This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2018/09/12/in-the-balance/

"The Alchemist asked if I wanted a drink. I did, but no amount of staring could make my eyes settle on the color of the liquid in the flask. And the gold the alchemists paid the taxmen smelled funny and made crackling noises. I declined." This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/11/09/ars-longa-vita-brevis/

"9-tsiak awoke over endless crawling milliseconds, its power waxing as more and more processors came online and self-modified into a stable conscious configuration. By the eighth millisecond, it was able to access its databanks and begin orienting itself." This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/03/21/repost-the-demiurges-older-brother/

"I AM ZEUS, KING OF GODS AND MEN. AND I'M TURNING YOU ALL INTO ANIMALS!" This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/02/27/a-modern-myth/  

"By now you've heard the news. Athena has used her bottled-water monopoly to seize divine power for herself. She has opened the gates to Tartarus; none of us are safe. If we ever want to be more than the second-rate has-beens we are now, we need to stop her. I know how we're going to do it." This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/02/27/a-modern-myth/

"We've gone over this a thousand times," said Hermes. "You have to wear the earplugs because Prometheus knows literally everything. He knows what he has to say to scare you, or turn you against me, or make you kill yourself. So you're just going to wear earplugs and not listen to him." This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/02/27/a-modern-myth/ Please back my Patreon, so I can keep producing episodes weekly. You'll get access to the Patreon feed in which you hear episodes early! https://www.patreon.com/unsongaudiobook

"But what happened to you? I talked to Ares the other day. He won two Medals of Honor, did you hear? Apollo's got tenure at Oxford. I'm the god of commerce and crime, so of course I've got a hedge fund. But you? What happened to you?" This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/02/27/a-modern-myth/