Episode 222: How to Stop the Emotional Whiplash of Fearful Avoidance

In this episode of Unfck Your Relationships, I dive into the fearful avoidant attachment style sometimes called anxious avoidant and the blind spots that come with it. This was once my dominant attachment style, and even now I can see how it still pops up in relationships. Unlike anxious or dismissive avoidants, the fearful avoidant flips between hyper-activation (all emotion, seeking closeness, reassurance, and validation) and deactivation (withdrawal, coldness, the “ick,” detachment). This creates emotional whiplash for partners, leaving them unsure which version of you they’re going to get. Here’s what I unpack in this episode: Logic vs. Emotion – How fearful avoidants have access to both, but rarely integrate them at the same time. The Pendulum Swing – Why you may go from desperate for closeness one week to completely withdrawn the next. The “Lost Myself” Myth – Why feeling like you “lost yourself” in a relationship often just means hidden parts of you have been triggered. The Mask Crumbling – How the persona you’ve built (cool girl, caregiver, rescuer, strong independent woman) eventually cracks under stress, leaving you scattered and disconnected. The Integration Work – Using both emotion and logic as data, building authenticity, and leaning into micro-moments of vulnerability instead of extreme swings. Practical Tips – For anxious-leaning FAs: keep a scorecard of consistency and non-negotiables so you don’t abandon yourself. For avoidant-leaning FAs: practice small disclosures and direct asks to build capacity for intimacy without shutting down. At the core, being a fearful avoidant isn’t about shame, it’s about learning integration, self-compassion, and balance. When you use both emotion and logic together, you can move toward secure love without the constant pendulum swings. WORK WITH MICHELLE: Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a course for the woman who wants to go from anxious & self-abandoning in relationships to secure, confident and unf*ckwithable: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out. These aren't just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD: https://michellepanning.com/awakening CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

In this episode of Unfck Your Relationships, I’m breaking down the blind spots of the dismissive avoidant attachment style. If you’ve ever felt confused about why you (or your partner) shut down, withdraw, or over-rely on logic in relationships, this episode will give you clarity and a new way forward. Here’s what I dive into: Logic vs. Love – Why relying on logic and analysis won’t create real intimacy. Where It Starts – How childhood environments that dismissed emotions shaped these defense patterns. The Hidden Cycle – How conflicts get rationalized away, leading to the same fights and disconnection repeating. Cut Off From Pain – Why avoiding your emotions also cuts you off from your body’s wisdom and intuition. The Path Forward – Learning to balance logic with emotion, validate your own needs, and stay in connection even when it feels uncomfortable. This episode is for both dismissive avoidants who want to understand themselves better, and anxious partners who are trying to make sense of their avoidant loved ones. My goal is to bring empathy, clarity, and practical tools to both sides so you can create more safety and connection. WORK WITH MICHELLE: Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a course for the woman who wants to go from anxious & self-abandoning in relationships to secure, confident and unf*ckwithable: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out. These aren't just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD: https://michellepanning.com/awakening CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

In this episode of Unf*ck Your Relationship, I dig into the blind spots of anxious attachment, the hidden patterns that keep you stuck in the same cycles, even when you think you’ve “done the work.” I explain why reflection alone isn’t enough, because you can only reflect on what you’re consciously aware of. Blind spots live in the shadows the parts of yourself you deny, repress, or don’t even know exist. And until you shine light on those, you’ll keep repeating the same patterns in love, friendships, and even business. Here’s what I explore in this episode: Your strength as someone with anxious attachment The shadow side of that strength How failing to hold boundaries often leads to resentment, misplaced blame, and feeling abandoned. Why sourcing safety from within not from your partner is the foundation of secure love. How building a full life outside of relationships makes you more attractive, grounded, and secure. Why pacing yourself in love is crucial to avoiding cycles of clinginess, panic, and destabilisation. I also share a personal story about noticing when I wanted my partner to uphold a boundary that was actually mine to hold a powerful reminder that no one else can honour your limits for you. At the heart of this episode, I want you to know: your open heart is a gift. But your lesson is learning to protect it, pace it, and recognise your value, so you don’t hand it over to just anyone without discernment. WORK WITH MICHELLE: Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a course for the woman who wants to go from anxious & self-abandoning in relationships to secure, confident and unf*ckwithable: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out. These aren't just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD: https://michellepanning.com/awakening CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

In this episode of Unf*ck Your Relationship, I dive into one of the most common yet challenging dynamics I see: the anxious–avoidant relationship. Instead of just giving surface-level advice like “communicate better” or “give each other more space,” I explore how shadow work is the real key to creating lasting change. I share some of my own experiences with anxiety, avoidance, and love and why I realised that traditional approaches often just reinforce the old wounds. For me, shadow work has been the tool that allowed me to see the parts of myself I had disowned and projected onto partners, which kept me locked in unhealthy cycles. Here’s what I cover: Why anxious and avoidant partners are so magnetised to each other. How your partner often mirrors the parts of yourself you’ve hidden or rejected. Why symptom management (like “better communication”) doesn’t actually heal the root cause. The difference between chemistry and true compatibility. How I personally decide when a relationship is worth working on vs. when it’s time to leave. The questions I ask myself when I feel stuck in old patterns. This work has taught me that true growth in relationships comes from embodiment, not just intellectual understanding. That’s exactly why I created The Connected Woman to help women integrate shadow work with practices that shift attachment patterns, so we can all show up more secure, more authentic, and more fully ourselves in love.   WORK WITH MICHELLE: Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a course for the woman who wants to go from anxious & self-abandoning in relationships to secure, confident and unf*ckwithable: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out. These aren't just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD: https://michellepanning.com/awakening CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

Today’s conversation is all about the OWN IT part of CLOCK IT, OWN IT, CLEAN IT UP…and who better to share than the accountability queen herself, my amazing client Heather! Heather is a mother of three, a healthcare executive, and a self-proclaimed attention whore who loves deeply, leads fiercely, and never backs down from a challenge…and she proved that when she finally (after THREE FUCKING YEARS!) signed up for The Connected Woman! Facing down your patterns is never easy. But Heather makes it look that way with the way she owns them. It can take fucking AGES for people to clean up their patterns because they spend so long pretending they don’t exist. Not an issue for Heather. And I’m hopeful as FUCK she’s going to inspire you all to take a long, hard look in the mirror…because if everyone owned their shit the way she does, they’d hit a breakthrough a whole lot faster.   CONNECT WITH HEATHER: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/heather_rotan86    WORK WITH MICHELLE:  These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening   Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com  

Not to break your entire self-image or whatever, but abandoning all your needs and desires for the sake of your partner actually doesn’t make you a good person. Sorry not sorry. Sure, maybe it feels good to oh-so-f*cking-selflessly lay your needs down to fulfill your partner’s instead. To be the “good girl.” The “cool girl.” To play the hero in his story. Right up until resentment starts burning so badly you think you’ve got a f*cking ulcer. Truthfully, self-abandonment is a relationship-killer. But it can be a subtle one, especially when you don’t know what the fuck self-abandonment even LOOKS like. That’s why I’m walking you through all the ways self-abandonment slinks out of the shadows and sets you on the path to complete relationship meltdown—and how to finally shine a light on it so you can clock it, own it, and clean it up. Martyrhood isn’t a good look on you, babe. It’s time you tried something new.   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening  Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

Warning: today’s episode might just piss you off. It’s to be expected, all right? I am called the Trigger Queen, after all. (If you’re new here, just know: it’s all said with love.) Buckle up, because today, I've got some fucking brutal truth bombs to drop about anxious attachment. If you’re someone who anxiously attaches, at least a couple of these are probably going to make you fucking furious. But you know what? Fucking good.  Sometimes we need a good shakeup to get our heads out of our asses and actually start shifting things. The reality is, the patterns that you're running through right now are keeping you stuck. And until something brings you to your fucking senses, you’re just going to keep running on that hamster wheel of heartbreak and dating the same damn person in a different outfit. And coming from someone who’s been there…if you can actually let these land, they're going to change how you do love forever.   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening  Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com  

Welcome to a super special episode, friends: today, we have the beautiful Rochelle Powell here with us! Rochelle is one of my incredible clients, and I've been working with her for a few years now. She is an ever-evolving woman determined to experience all aspects of herself by fiercely leaning into her edges and exploring what it truly means to come home to herself. She moves through life with curiosity, a wild spirit, and a deep devotion to truth and connection, and her story is one a lot of you are going to relate to. From unwillingly listening to the podcast (still dying over that one, wait until you hear the story!) to hosting one of her own, Rochelle’s journey is one for the books…or the headphones, apparently. Buckle up, babes. This one’s going to challenge you.   CONNECT WITH ROCHELLE: Follow Rochelle on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ahomecomingexpeditionpodcast/    WORK WITH MICHELLE:  These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening  Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com  

If you identify as a strong, independent woman who is 100% fine being alone, this one is for you… Because I’m calling bullshit. Being single is not the same thing as being alone. And sure, maybe you’re fine being single…but what do you fill that gap with? TV? Social media scrolling? Going out with friends? Swiping on the apps until your weekend is booked up? “Wait, you want me to sit there, alone, with nothing to distract me from feeling a real, genuine EMOTION for once? I think the FUCK NOT.” Yeah. That’s what I fucking thought. Most people cannot stand actually being alone with themselves. But if you made yourself sit with your sadness, your anger, whatever it is…you might actually discover that feeling all the feels, even the ones we’re so terrified to feel, is a deeply beautiful thing.   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening  Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com  

Let’s be honest: most people will sit down, listen to a podcast, give their best “OMG! So true, bestie!” and then promptly move the fuck on with their lives. My guest today is NOT one of those people. My dear friend Dily is here to share about her Connected Woman journey, and let me tell you…she is an amazing example of the kind of dedication and courage self-development work actually takes. Dily is one of the most fearless, determined, proactive human beings in the world. When she learns something new, she doesn’t just let it go in one ear and out the other; she actively implements it. She is passionate about growth and stretching herself past her comfort zone, and I know for fucking CERTAIN that’s a skill we all need more practice with. This is a woman who is happy to take herself on a trip for scuba-diving lessons…in shark-infested waters…where a fucking CYCLONE just tore through, no less…but struggles deeply with opening herself up and being vulnerable. Yet she’s here today to share with all of you, and I could not be prouder. We could all learn a thing or two from Dily.    CONNECT WITH DILY: Follow Dily’s travel adventures on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/travel.and.trades/   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening  Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com