313. Shoulds and shouldn’ts

This week’s episode follows a group inquiry into the concepts of shoulds and shouldn’ts, allowing us to question this very ingrained way of thinking we were taught as children. Many of us inherited beliefs that we “should” be good, kind, loving, compassionate, generous human beings by well-meaning parents who didn’t realize the lesson they were really teaching underneath the words: that we are not inherently good, but instead we need to force ourselves to be that way. As a result, what we end up with is a society of humans trying to be good by acting and following rules, using approval as validation of our worthiness. But what if we got still to really sit with these shoulds and shouldn’ts that we’ve allowed (so far) to run our lives? Could we possibly discover our true nature is not just good, but pure love itself? Feel free to follow along with your own shoulds and shouldn’ts in this beautiful group exploration of our true nature.

This week on Love Is The Power, the group explores the idea of condemnation. Most of us can relate to believing in condemnation as a basic fact of the Universe, whether we learned it through a religion, punishments as children, or simply noticing the general consensus among humans that life is just hard. But could it be that sense of hardship is a projection that comes from this belief originally? How do we treat ourselves and others when we believe that we can be condemned in any way at all? If we don’t like our experience when we believe it, might it be worth experimenting with inquiry on this thought in order to discover our real nature, and the real nature of Life itself? Feel free to follow along and question the concept of condemnation!

This week we’re bringing back to you an old favourite: You may have heard Byron Katie talk about the three types of business: your business, my business, and God’s business. This week’s episode dives deeply into this notion and asks whether anything at all is actually "your business." In other words, do you make any of your thoughts, feelings, decisions, or experiences happen? Notice the response that arises within you: Whether you embrace or reject this question, did you will that response to happen or did it just appear? As you explore and unravel the fears, beliefs, and conclusions you’re holding onto around control, you may just get in touch with how all business is ultimately God’s business. That is, as Ralph Waldo Emerson puts it, how “our painful labors are unnecessary” and that “only in our easy, simple, spontaneous action are we strong.” Tom would call this having a “yes” to life.

This week’s group inquiry is on the fear of being boring. Whether with friends, partners, or ourselves, a lot of us can probably relate to this fear. What if somebody thinks I’m boring? What does it mean to be boring? A rich inquiry emerges around the idea of just being, something the mind tends to be terrified of. What if, underneath the panicked action and frazzled doing that can come from the fear of appearing boring, there is a simple-yet-profound peace in just being? Could it be possible that allowing ourselves to just be actually sparks something very interesting in us? Uncover the fascinating truth of who you (and those around you) are by following along in this group meditation facilitated by Tom. 

This week’s episode is an exploration of true compassion and unconditional love, revolving around the topic of abusers. As an example, when we see a person abuse an animal, it’s easy and understandable to become upset by it. We mentally hold that person responsible, and we probably think they should be punished. And doesn’t that just seem fair? Right, even? But if we get really honest and take a good look at our thinking in that moment, are we not just inflicting more abuse on another being in the world? Even if it’s only in our mind? A participant asks in this meditation about whether The Work points to a kind of power in helplessness. Tom points out that the real helplessness is when we see a situation we can’t change and we try to use our willpower to force it to be different. If that’s true, could it be that the real power lies in questioning our stressful thoughts?

In this Part II episode on the theme of romantic relationships, following last week’s profound inquiry on the idea of unattractiveness, a couple works with Tom on a common pitfall that occurs in committed relationships: trying to control what your partner does and how they show up. Many of us can relate to this, even outside partnerships. Parents, children, friends…there’s a whole variety of relationships to be had that the mind will try to control in order to feel safe. This episode peels back the deeper layers of fear behind that need to control, and ultimately leads to the place Byron Katie says we arrive at when we stop opposing reality: somewhere kind, loving, and peaceful. Feel free to follow along using your own relationship (any kind will do!) and see where it takes you.

This week’s episode is part one of a deep dive into romantic relationships – the interest in them, the fear of them, and the frustrations of having them. In this first half of the two-part series, a participant speaks to the belief that men will not be interested in her romantically. When Tom asks what her mind is using as proof for that concept, she identifies the thought that men only look at the surface of a person, never deeper. This is one of those concepts that, from a certain perspective, seems pretty fair. But how does it affect us when we are actively seeking a romantic relationship while simultaneously believing this kind of thought? This inquirer notices how it undercuts the whole process of meeting people, infusing it with a sense of defensiveness. As Tom sometimes points out, we are free to continue believing whatever stories we like. And the invitation in this episode is to question the ones that bring stress into our lives.

This week on Love Is The Power, Tom invites participants to notice the habit of trying to control things in life. Money, love, security, health… You name it, the ego will attempt to control it. It can be so liberating to look at this pattern and notice what it actually does to our lives. Does it empower us? Does it relax us? Or does it cause stress and fear? As Tom points out, living is like surfing. And this habit can cause us to attempt to control the wave instead of riding it. It could be that as soon as we let go of the need for control, life becomes light again and we remember our freedom to live playfully and joyfully. If you want to find out for yourself, enjoy this week’s episode on learning to respond to the wave of life.

This week’s episode brings you one of Tom’s favourite questions to pose: What, if it were true, would give you a big fat ‘YES’ to life? In a popcorn-style meditation, the group explores this question and comes out with some profound answers to what the nature of creation would have to be in order for it to feel good. For example, it would have to be true that no one can actually be permanently harmed. Or, life would have to not be serious. Could it be that these desires we have for reality are actually reality itself, and only our internalized beliefs stand in the way of us and the life we’d like to be living? Could it be that the answer to, “What’s it all about,” is whatever we want it to be about? What would give you a ‘yes’ to life? 

This week’s episode explores the popular concept of having a fair share. As humans, we can get pretty touchy if we believe someone is getting more than their ‘fair share’ of something, and pretty stressed if we believe that we have more than our fair share (whether of money, time, privilege, luck, etc.) One of the great things about self-inquiry is that we get to really get into these commonly held concepts and take a good, long look at them. Is there actually such a thing as a fair share? Is that how this Universe is set up? How do we react when we think that’s how it is? How does it affect us? Does it allow us to show up the way we’d really like to? Or does it end up contributing to more miserliness in the world? Who might you be without this story?