Missionary Impossible & other tales

Landing in your inbox on Good Friday (or whenever you’re brave enough to press play), Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective are back with Parish Notice Board gossip, five-star reviews, and a Not For Broadcast pile that should probably come with protective gloves. First: a wholesome family holiday in Cornwall goes slightly… medicinal when a sleep-deprived dad reaches for teething gel in the dark and finds something very much meant for the other end of the baby. Then we head to Venezuela for Missionary Impossible: cockroaches, bug spray, matches, a fireball, and the discovery that “safety bucket” can become “flaming water”. Plus: canal piracy involving stolen mooring pins, and a Christmas morning rest-home mystery featuring a missing Jane… found in the car. Got a confession? [email protected]

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo, Sister Suzi, Sister Holly and Brother Matthew for another round of sins, five-star reviews, parish noticeboard gossip… and the dreaded Not For Broadcast pile.First, Tony’s half-term Lanzarote breakfast goes nuclear when a Tabasco bottle takes a Tom Daley-style dive into the Rice Krispies.Then Helen, armed with a hospital litre of water and perimenopausal panic, misreads a sign and accidentally storms the gents… with a bold new accent.Plus: We also get an accidental repeat of Jeff's confession, where he get mistaken for a blind man (Father Simon needs to work on his filling system) And Greenkeeper R attempts naked mowing in Sweden… Got a confession? Send it to [email protected].

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for another week of packed confessions. First up Adam relives the three-channel era and, in a strop over Corrie, does the unthinkable… and plunges an entire village into a total blackout. Louise’s Brighton hen-do goes from bubbles to life drawing to accidentally gifting a homeless man cake… and a bag full of very questionable sketches. Guaca-mole wages fertiliser-based war on mum’s “sacred oval”, and Jay learns why you never, ever feed seagulls near a car park.If you have a confession send it to [email protected]

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo, Sister Holly and Brother Matthew for a slightly shorter episode that still delivers three absolute belters — plus Parish Notice Board gossip, five-star reviews, and a heated debate about how on earth you say 'guacamole'.We first walk down the cold marble steps for a confession from the crypt involving ashes, an urn and a vacuum cleaner.Then Mr C, a trainee engineer on a deep-water trawler off Greenland, quietly “sorts” a toilet problem and accidentally creates a floating arctic legend.Plus: Jonathan, aged nine, proudly parades a “lady-shaped” inflatable from a den… straight into Dad’s allotment.Got a confession? Send it to [email protected].

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confession Collective for another week of chaos, questionable logic, and tape-speed chat that nobody fully understands (7 and a half IPS, apparently).First: Clara’s lunchtime ice creams take a horrifying turn when a “respectful” window manoeuvre collides with a cathedral town funeral.Then Sally relives childhood vengeance as a Cindy-doll disaster ends with an “ever so slight” push into a lily pond… and a decades-later Facebook block.Plus: Alison reports a mystery powder to the police (taste test included), only to discover it’s not what original thought, and Tommy commits the ultimate school photo sin.Got a confession? Send it to [email protected].

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo, Sister Suzi, Sister Holly and Brother Matthew for another week of chaos.First: a 1950s boarding school in Kenya where the boys welcome new UK teachers with the ultimate classroom icebreaker… bright green pet snakes, smuggled under shirts and released onto desks. Then Bob’s Tenerife chip run goes catastrophically windy, ending with paper plates, ketchup, and an accidental Carry On-style moment by the pool.Plus: Geoff “accidentally” cosplays as blind on the train thanks to reactive sunglasses, a Dayglo lead and a protruding white stick, and Chris launches a full police sting to recover his stolen bike… with questionable consequences. Got a confession? Send it to [email protected].

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the crew for another week of sinful silliness, dubious logic, and a very firm reminder to… respect the cupboard. First up, Luke fakes a twisted ankle at his twins’ birthday bash and “heads to A&E”… only to limp straight to The Force Awakens, then on to TGI Fridays for a full debrief with “Han”. Dark side behaviour? Then Seaman Steve wages class war at Cowes Week with a stealthy nuts-and-bolts prank that sends Tarquins into a safety spiral. Plus: Selhurst Park Pete’s mum accidentally unleashes a downhill “snake” of supermarket trolleys, and science teacher Steve cons schoolkids with fake fortune-telling that turns him into Mr G the Psychic. Got a confession? Send it to [email protected].

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the crew for a week caught between Valentine’s Day love and Friday-the-13th superstition.First up: Litmus relives the childhood horror of £40 Caterpillar boots that “mysteriously” shrank on a seaside stroll in Bray… until mum discovers the real culprit still stuffed inside.Then Jane’s triumphant jeans-buying trip goes spectacularly wrong when a stubborn zip traps her lacy knickers — and she makes a panicked dash that leaves an unforgettable “freebie” on the shop floor.Plus: Cliff’s smart-speaker chaos accidentally orders Blue’s greatest hits, and Rachel’s free Waitrose latte turns into a windy, foamy car-park crime.Got a confession? Send it to [email protected].

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the crew for another week of confession chaos.Sister Goldenhair attempts a 10-day silent meditation retreat in Thailand… only to be derailed by a tree frog, a “hot monk”, and an unsanctioned breakout into the countryside that ends with a full-blown Karma Chameleon singalong to some very understanding cows.Then it’s building-surveyor bedlam as Mike accidentally lets a cat into a house with a “highly strung” parrot on the loose… and makes a bold feather-related decision under pressure.Plus: Steve’s student-radio brush with The Smiths takes a citrusy turn, and the anonymous agent of East Anglia learns the hard way that mooning colleagues isn’t quite “drawing room manner”.Got a confession? Send it to [email protected].

Enter the confessional with Simon Mayo for another laugh-out-loud episode of Confessions! This week, hear Jo’s hilariously awkward tale of miscommunication involving "personal effects" that leads to a shocking discovery while cleaning a colleague’s home. With some very personal photographs inadvertently packaged for a hospital visit, the embarrassment is palpable! Then, feel the heat as T-Bandit concocts a devious plan to rain on a pesky neighbour's parade, while Windy Miller shares a mortifying school assembly mishap that left everyone in stitches. And finally, don’t miss the chaotic escapade of Dean, whose light-hearted joke about a heart attack sends security into a frenzy! Tune in for unforgettable stories, unexpected twists, and the collective wisdom that only Simon and the crew can offer! Don’t forget to share your own confessions at [email protected]!