Why I Shut Down in Conflict: Facing My Avoidant Patterns

Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingOrder Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonJoin Our Patreon CommunityTake the Emotional Safety Assessment QuizIn Part 3 of our Intimacy Gap series, we explore two of the most powerful and most misunderstood ingredients of lasting intimacy: curiosity and emotional safety.So many couples get stuck in the same painful loop: mismatched desire, uncomfortable conversations, and the fear that they’ll never get back on the same page. But true intimacy doesn’t start with sex, it starts with the emotional safety to be vulnerable, honest, and seen.In this episode, we dive deep into how curiosity becomes a bridge across the intimacy gap… and how emotional safety transforms the hardest conversations into opportunities for closeness.In this episode, we cover:Why emotional safety is the #1 predictor of long-term relationship satisfactionHow curiosity helps couples reconnect when intimacy feels out of reachWhat it looks like to approach hard conversations with “soft eyes”How hormone changes, stress, and life transitions impact desire — and how to talk about itSelf-regulation vs. co-regulation: what each partner needs to bring into sensitive conversationsHow couples can avoid falling into repetitive patterns that shut down intimacyA real, personal story from EJ & Tarah about navigating desire discrepancies with vulnerabilityWhy repair matters more than getting it perfectPractical scripts for bringing up intimacy concerns without triggering defensivenessKey Takeaways:Curiosity is the antidote to fear. It keeps your heart open when patterns feel stuck.Emotional safety comes before desire. Without it, intimacy cannot thrive.Your partner is not the enemy. You’re two people navigating a shared emotional landscape.Soft eyes, gentle tone, and asking “Is now a good time?” can instantly shift a conversation.Self-regulation is essential. You can’t co-regulate as a couple if you’re dysregulated individually.Intimacy evolves. You’re not trying to get back to what it was — you’re building what’s next.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingOrder Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonJoin Our Patreon CommunityTake the Emotional Safety Assessment QuizEver wondered why stress and shame seem to quietly erode intimacy in your relationship?Do you and your partner struggle to reconnect during overwhelming seasons—leaving both of you feeling misunderstood, rejected, or alone?Curious how to calm your nervous system and bridge the desire gap, even when it feels impossible?In this week’s episode of Relationship Renovation, EJ Kerwin and Tarah Kerwin dive into The Intimacy Gap (Part 2): The Silent Saboteurs — How Stress, Shame, and Mismatched Desire Sabotage Connection.Building on Part 1 of their four-part intimacy series, they unpack why intimacy doesn’t simply fade—it’s slowly chipped away by stress, shame, dysregulated nervous systems, and repeated miscommunication.Through honest, vulnerable stories about blending families, parenting challenges, and financial strain, EJ and Tarah reveal how nervous system overload is often misread as withdrawal or rejection. That misunderstanding fuels a painful cycle of blame, distance, and desire discrepancies that many couples mistake for incompatibility.In This Episode, You’ll Learn:How stress and shame shut down emotional and sexual desireWhy mismatched desire is normal—and what it actually meansHow nervous system dysregulation masquerades as disinterestTools to shift from reactivity to curiosityPractical steps to restore emotional safety and rebuild connectionWays to communicate vulnerably when intimacy feels out of syncWith research-supported insights and relatable real-life examples, EJ and Tarah show you how moving from “calm to connect” can help couples step out of shame, regulate together, and create a new intimacy story—one rooted in empathy, safety, and lasting closeness.If you’ve ever struggled with stress, shame, or desire differences in your relationship, this episode offers clarity, compassion, and real hope for rebuilding intimacy.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingOrder Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonJoin Our Patreon CommunityTake the Emotional Safety Assessment QuizIn this first episode of our four-part series The Intimacy Gap, E.J. and Tarah Kerwin explore why most couples experience differences in emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy — and how these discrepancies can lead to frustration, disconnection, or misunderstanding.They share the real numbers (80% of couples face this issue), explain how attachment styles and nervous system regulation impact intimacy, and offer tools to start healing the distance.If you’ve ever felt like one partner wants more closeness than the other — emotionally or sexually — this episode will help you understand why and begin building empathy, safety, and lasting connection.Topics Covered:What the “intimacy gap” really meansEmotional vs. physical vs. sexual intimacy differencesHow upbringing and attachment shape desirePractical tools for curiosity instead of blameHow to start safe, non-defensive conversations about intimacyTimestamps00:00 – Introduction Welcome to The Intimacy Gap (Part 1) on the Relationship Renovation Podcast.01:35 – Why “The Intimacy Gap”? Why so many couples experience emotional, physical, and sexual disconnect.03:20 – Understanding Intimacy Discrepancies What it means when one partner wants more closeness or connection than the other.05:45 – The 80% Statistic Why 80% of couples face intimacy differences — and why it’s normal.07:50 – Beyond Sex: Emotional & Physical Intimacy How affection, vulnerability, and communication are part of intimacy.11:20 – How Intimacy Areas Interconnect How emotional, physical, and sexual connection overlap and affect each other.15:40 – Real-Life Example: Planning & Affection Tarah and E.J. share a story about differing needs for dates and affection.19:10 – Attachment Styles & Upbringing How childhood patterns and attachment shape intimacy as adults.23:15 – Nervous System Regulation & Shame Why stress and shame block connection — and how to rebuild safety.26:30 – From Blame to Curiosity Turning frustration into curiosity and self-reflection.30:00 – Tools for Talking About Intimacy Simple ways to have calm, open conversations about desire differences.33:15 – Final Reflections Encouragement for couples to keep growing through empathy and understanding.35:00 – Resources & What’s Next Info on Relationship Renovation at Home, Patreon community, and Part 2: The Silent Saboteurs.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingOr email us directly at [email protected] with the subject line “Couples Coaching Application.” Order Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonJoin Our Patreon CommunityTake the Emotional Safety Assessment QuizHosts EJ Kerwin and Tarah Kerwin sit down for one of their most raw and honest conversations yet. Facing a significant financial crisis, they pull back the curtain on the uncomfortable truths, emotional triggers, and deep lessons that emerged from their recent struggles. Listeners are invited to witness how avoidance and lack of transparency can spiral into conflict, resentment, and feelings of abandonment—but also how healing and growth become possible when partners take accountability and dare to face even the hardest truths together.Whether you’re navigating your own relationship challenges or simply craving an authentic look at how couples survive and thrive through tough times, this episode offers invaluable insights. EJ Kerwin and Tarah Kerwin share personal stories, model real-time communication with practical tools, and demonstrate that hope and connection can emerge from crisis. If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, avoided a conversation, or worried if your partnership could withstand hardship—this episode will motivate you to lean in, dig deeper, and learn that the path to resilience is paved with courage and honesty. Listen now and renovate your relationship from the inside out!Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingOr email us directly at [email protected] with the subject line “Couples Coaching Application.” Order Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonJoin Our Patreon CommunityTake the Emotional Safety Assessment QuizIn this episode of the Relationship Renovation Podcast, hosts EJ and Tarah Kerwin sit down with renowned OB/GYN Dr. Maria Sophocles to unpack the truth about menopause, hormones, and how they shape sexual health, intimacy, and relationship wellness. With nearly three decades of experience and a global reputation for advancing women’s care, Dr. Sophocles sheds light on why so many women feel unseen and unsupported during perimenopause, low libido, and the “bedroom gap” that can grow between partners in midlife.The conversation blends science, empathy, and practical solutions—covering everything from hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and CO₂ laser treatments to the emotional impact of hormonal shifts and the cultural “pink tax” on women’s wellness.Whether you’re a woman navigating change, a partner trying to understand, or a couple feeling distant, this episode offers hope, clarity, and tools to rebuild connection, safety, and vibrant intimacy. Listen in and feel empowered to advocate for your body, your pleasure, and your relationship.Dr. Sophocles links below: https://mariasophoclesmd.com/TED Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/maria_sophocles_what_happens_to_sex_in_midlife_a_look_at_the_bedroom_gap https://www.instagram.com/mariasophoclesmd/?hl=enhttps://www.linkedin.com/in/maria-sophocles-591a8b10Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingOr email us directly at [email protected] with the subject line “Couples Coaching Application.” Order Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonJoin Our Patreon CommunityTake the Emotional Safety Assessment QuizIn this deeply resonant episode of Relationship Renovation, hosts EJ Kerwin and Tarah Kerwin open up with raw honesty about the challenges and crises their relationship faced over the past year. Drawing on their own experiences—and the many couples they’ve supported—this conversation explores how practicing vulnerability, emotional safety, and practical decision-making skills can help couples withstand even the most severe financial and emotional stress. You'll discover how patterns from years past still shape present struggles, and gain insight into the power of creating new narratives together.Listen in for actionable strategies, real-life stories, and a heartfelt reminder: true connection isn’t about avoiding hardship, but learning how to support each other through it. If you’re seeking hope and practical guidance for your relationship, this episode offers powerful motivation to keep fighting for love, resilience, and the growth hiding beneath life’s toughest seasons. Plus, the hosts share resources like their Relationship Renovation at Home manual and community options to help you find the support you need, no matter what challenges you’re facing.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingOr email us directly at [email protected] with the subject line “Couples Coaching Application.” Order Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonJoin Our Patreon CommunityTake the Emotional Safety Assessment QuizHighlights from the EpisodeHow Sex Turns Transactional: Tarah shares a story from a recent couples session: “If you do this and you do it well, I’ll give you sex.” Sound familiar? Turns out, it’s more common than we think.Both Partners Are Responsible: EJ and Tarah reflect on their own patterns of expectation, let-down, and the rewards/punishments that silently build up over time.Unspoken Stories Drive Anxiety: Ever felt relief when your partner wasn’t expecting sex… or disappointment when connection didn’t lead there? You’re not alone. Opening up those stories, rather than burying them, is the first step to real change.Emotional Safety is Key: The hosts discuss how building a foundation of emotional safety—being able to share, be transparent, and give verbal appreciation—creates true desire and real intimacy.Actionable Tools: From ‘The Frisky Scale’ (yes, really!) to conversation starters on how you want to feel valued outside the bedroom, EJ and Tarah give you practical ways to break the transaction cycle.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

In this deeply personal episode, Tarah interviews EJ about his avoidant tendencies — why he used to shut down during conflict, how it affected their relationship, and what it took to start feeling safe enough to stay present when things got hard.Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingOr email us directly at [email protected] with the subject line “Couples Coaching Application.” Order Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonJoin Our Patreon CommunityTake the Emotional Safety Assessment QuizSupport this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingOr email us directly at [email protected] with the subject line “Couples Coaching Application.” Order Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonJoin Our Patreon CommunityTake the Emotional Safety Assessment QuizIn this episode of the Relationship Renovation Podcast, licensed therapists and hosts EJ and Tarah Kerwin explore the delicate balance between being attuned to your partner and staying true to yourself. Drawing from their own relationship journey—as both a couple and co-therapists—they share real stories, practical tools, and insights that help couples move from reactivity to connection.You’ll learn how to:Communicate your needs without triggering defensivenessRecognize and respond to your partner’s emotional cuesUse timing and tone to create emotional safety during conflictPrevent resentment and strengthen trust through consistent repairIf you’ve ever wished you could communicate better during moments of stress, this episode will give you hope, clarity, and actionable skills to build a more emotionally safe and connected relationship.Join EJ and Tarah as they model vulnerability, share their own “fail moments,” and guide you toward becoming more connected, understanding, and confident in your communication—one intentional conversation at a time.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingOr email us directly at [email protected] with the subject line “Couples Coaching Application.” Order Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonJoin Our Patreon CommunityTake the Emotional Safety Assessment QuizAre you tired of small habits turning into big fights? Do you wish your partner could just “know” how you feel—without you having to explain it every time?In this episode of Relationship Renovation, Tarah and EJ Kerwin share how hidden assumptions and unspoken judgments quietly chip away at intimacy. Drawing from a recent psychodrama training and their own marriage, they reveal how a simple act like fixing a partner’s hair uncovered 15 years of miscommunication and resentment.You’ll learn:Why assumptions and daily habits can trigger unexpected tensionHow to use the “Empty Chair” technique for safe, honest conversationsSimple ways to stop wishing your partner could read your mind—and start creating emotional safety insteadIf you’re ready to turn everyday frustrations into opportunities for growth and connection, this episode offers both heartfelt stories and actionable tools.🎧 Listen now to start breaking free from assumptions and building a stronger, more intentional relationship.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands