How Do You Not Give Up?

Sometimes, when a person you care about opens up to you about a painful experience, you feel understanding and compassion well up within you. You’re thinking, “Gosh, if I were in your shoes, I’d be feeling the same thing!” But that’s not always the case. Sometimes, when a person needs your validation and empathy, it’s tough because the story they tell about their experience seems a bit off. How we handle this kind of moment has HUGE implications for sustaining a close connection in that relationship. 

Change is tough. Generally speaking, making a change in life will take time, mental & emotional energy, and money that you wouldn’t have to invest to keep things the way they are now. There’s a price to pay. That being said, people aren’t always ready for change, and to be sure, two people in a relationship aren’t always ready for the same change at the same time. Uh oh. In this episode, I explore some patterns of thinking that keep us feeling trapped and unable to move forward in life without disconnecting from the people we love. I share some of my own experiences and how Cora and I have managed to give each other room to make big changes, while maintaining the covenant between us. As with all things healthy, the pathway is narrow, and I offer a few points that have helped me stay on it.

The occasional need for a little distance is a normal part of any healthy relationship. It’s so important to remember that before the relationship formed, there were two whole individuals, getting on with their lives. Sometimes, especially with very close relationships, it’s important to take some space and re-centre ourselves within our own unique, individual, personal story. The question is, how do we do that in a way that builds and deepens the connection, rather than starving it? In this episode, I unpack some of my own experiences that I have with needing some space from my wife, Cora, whom I both absolutely adore and occasionally need space from. Taking space from someone is a bit like fasting from food; it absolutely sucks, but the point isn’t to damage the body. Quite the opposite, actually, the point is to keep the body healthy. I’ve got 3 practical things here in this episode that you can apply when you need to take some space in an important relationship, but you don’t want to damage the connection.

A close relationship is always going to bring about a change in both individuals. The closer and more significant the relationship is, the more powerfully transformational it becomes. But is it producing a positive change, or a negative one? Sometimes, in a moment of crisis, it’s hard to tell the difference. Some pain is a healthy sign of growth, like your muscles aching after the gym. Other pain is a sign of dysfunction, and a warning that something really needs to change. How can we tell the difference? In this episode, I interview Stevie Lujan, one of my dearest, long-term friends. One of the things I admire most about Stevie is the way he approaches relational challenges with the people closest to him. I ask him some tough questions, especially about his relationship with his wife Rachel, who is also a dear friend of ours. Stevie doesn’t hold back in sharing openly about how they turn painful situations into healing, growth, and deeper connection. Solid Gold!!!

Most [if not all] of us are well familiar with the challenges of being an adult, spending a period of time at home with our parents. Whether it’s moving back in with the folks long term, or just a weekend together with the fam, something about being back under mom and dad’s roof can bring old, unhealthy patterns from childhood right back to the surface. In this episode, I once again interview my daughter Keana. After 18 months of being out of our home, she’s now spending a season back with us and is navigating the tricky dynamics that come with relating to Cora and I and her younger siblings. We share openly about our own relationship, and Keana gives some helpful tips about how to move back in with the family, whilst also maintaining your personal values and boundaries, and basically just not going completely mental.

When people go through significant life changes, relationships get tested. Sometimes the circumstances and chemistry that brought two people together changes significantly. The question becomes whether or not the connection between them is strong enough to adapt to the new season, new circumstances, and perhaps even the new convictions that one or both of them carry. In this episode, I interview my oldest daughter, Keana [19]. She is someone I deeply respect and admire, and on this particular topic, she carries a unique perspective that’s well worth listening to. We talk openly about our own relationship, and she gives her thoughts about what it really takes from two people to heal a relationship that has been strained or broken.

Life can be absolutely brutal. When the people we love the most, or perhaps even God, leave us feeling deeply disappointed, it is soul-crushing. But without hope, you simply can’t grow and sustain healthy relationships. Hope is an essential ingredient for love—non-negotiable. So, how do we maintain hope after experiencing so much loss and trauma? In this episode, I have the privilege of interviewing Dr. Alistair Reese, a close friend and mentor, and someone I admire greatly. He is a man of extraordinary hope, and given some of the profoundly painful and traumatic experiences he and his dear wife Jeannie have endured, I would describe the resilient hope within him as miraculous. Dive into this episode for some inspiration and practical guidance on cultivating resilient hope in your life.

When people feel threatened by each other, it creates a chasm of mistrust. Self-preservation kicks in, and walls of defence go up. Sometimes, relationships tragically break down because of simple misunderstandings that create baseless fear. Other times, healthy boundaries are needed because of genuine abuse. Either way, it raises the question, “Can the bridge between us be rebuilt? If so, how?” In this episode, I have the privilege of interviewing Dallas Harema, a dear friend of mine here in Aotearoa. Dallas and his wife Lucy have spent decades working with people from all walks of life to help diverse communities thrive together. They have to wrestle with this question every single day in the community work they do and have learnt so much along the way. I love Dallas’ honesty and openness on this incredibly difficult topic, and I reckon you will as well.

Sometimes someone important in your life does something that causes you so much pain, it’s impossible to imagine the relationship ever being healed. When trust gets damaged this deeply, the thought of it ever being restored is unthinkable. Why would you bother considering what it would take for this person to make things right with you? In this short episode, I unpack some of my own journey and how I’ve found it helpful to reflect on what it would take for the people who have hurt me the most to restore their relationship with me. Whether or not they ever lift a finger to re-earn my trust, knowing what it would take to do so has been a huge part of my own healing in these relationships. Have a listen to hear why and how.

Each and every one of us is infinitely complex. Put two people together in a relationship, and now you’ve got infinite complexity times two! With all of that wonderful [or hellish] uniqueness, is it really worth even trying to understand each other? Is it even possible?  In this episode, I interview Cora, who has in many ways, devoted her life to the pursuit of understanding people. As a certified CliftonStrengths Coach, certified Enneagram Coach, Restoring Connections Mentor, mother of four, and wife to a man of profound mystery [that’s a joke], she knows a LOT about what it takes to truly understand someone. She shares openly about what gives her confidence that it’s possible and gives some practical advice on how to overcome obstacles to better understand the people you love most.