619: Ape. Goblin. Horse. In That Order.

It's early November, and you know what that means. Large ghosts, impish wraiths and dandy skeletons are plotting their revenge, having spent another Halloween watching us appropriate their ancient culture of saying "can I have two haribo" on a porch. November! The scariest month on the human calendar, actually. Definitely the ideal month to have spooky features, I think. Yes. In this episode, Log prepares to have the willies put up him (arggh!), Joe speaks to an appliance repairman on the telephone (roaoghhh!) , and Steve has a pumpkin tale that will send shivers down your timber. Hold on to your flabbers. They gon get gasted.

Knock knock, open wide, into your meatus I shall slide. Your pipes are on my to do list, cos I'm a cool urologist. In this episode, Steve invites you to kick off your Skechers and make yourself at home inside a big melon where piss lives. Log overhears a foul-mouthed row between his mother and a dog. And Joe invites an old Tom along to tell us all about his new voice-acting gig. Continue? (Y/N) "Crypto" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/license by/4.0/

Hello and welcome back to Regular Features, the only podcast where the hosts stop existing as soon as you stop listening. Thank you for making us alive again. In this episode, Log tries to please a bee but falls foul of his Boys. Steve is down the stock saloon with an ace up his spittoon. And Gav is there, because it's his studio and he doesn't trust us with the buttons. -- "Fig Leaf Rag" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/ Episode photo by TomasEE, CC BY 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=54505867

Despite all my rage, my big buck-teeth, long pink tail, short lifespan and biological similarity to human physiology, it turns out that I'm still just a rat in a cage. Bloody typical! You couldn't make it up! In this episode, Joe fixes pubs, Steve issues a solemn public health warning, and Queen Nefertiti stops by to settle royal baby disputes.

You know what really sucks when you're the hunter? Becoming the hunted. It's basically the last thing you want to happen when you're the hunter. Ideally you want to remain the hunter for at least the duration of the hunt. If you, as the hunter, become the hunted, it's not good. In this episode, Joe dusts off his rudebox, Steve will see you in court, and Gav is the sweet-smelling grease that makes the cogs go round. "Summon the Rawk" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/ "Sinfonia Number 5" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Sing when you're winning. Dance when you're losing. Scream if it's a draw or, like, extra time or something. Twirl when you're being chased out of the bingo hall. And laugh, my son. Always never stop laughing. It's what your uncle would have wanted. Oh if he could see you now. In this episode, Log is visited by a hue-ruing toon, Joe blows open ancient Riga's dusty troubles, and Steve nods on encouragingly, no light behind those dead doll eyes.

Arms up, pits out, get my stinkies in your snout. When you're full and set to burst, boy you've got that pit pig curse. In this episode, Gav is wounded by an Welsh icon's betrayal, Log's short stories go head to head, and Steve unclogs his backed up featurehole.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but have you heard about what birds are doing to themselves? Do you want that going on in your hand? If you close your fist, you don't know what's happening in there, that bird could be up to all sorts, and you wouldn't know. That's why they call it Schrödinger's Bird - because that bird is doing something to its dinger and you can be Schrö you don't know. Anyway this week, Log's basically talking about all that, Steve's understanding more about the whole Pepto Bismol situation, and Joe is booted off the podcast briefly due to more scandal.

They really buried the lede with "Jack and the Bean Stalk". Yeah sure it's an impressive stalk, but hello, there's an actual giant man who lives in a cloud castle on top of the world?? Should have called it "Jack and the Giants Are Real and They Are Squatting in A Violent Heaven Forsaken By God". In this episode, Log pitches some hot new Pragmata DLC, Gav has a shocking interaction with a customer support agent, and Steve is paid a visit by a certain redundancy-making wizard.

Joe can't stand the attention a 100 year-old is getting. Matt can't stand up, because his microphone is simply too low. Log can't stand down from his duty to inform you about horsebook.