#283 From Performance to Presence: Men’s Sexual Confidence and Initiation (with Brett Matthews)

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, we take a trip down memory lane as Cam shares a presentation he gave at Camp Lovehoney back in 2020. He explains how toys and lube can support sexual health and pleasure, including using masturbators to help premature ejaculation and erectile difficulties by retraining stroke patterns and reducing friction, and using edging to prolong arousal. Cam highlights prostate play as a pathway to non-ejaculatory prostate orgasms, multi-orgasmic potential, and greater empathy as a penetrative partner, citing survey findings that partners of men who’ve explored anal penetration report higher satisfaction. He shares Lovehoney study stats on toy use and reviews products including a thrusting masturbator with dirty-talk audio, a vibrating couples ring, and a remote-controlled prostate massager, plus previews upcoming BlowMotion masturbators and answers audience questions.Key points:06:56 Toys For Performance And Control11:10 Edging And Prostate Orgasms19:18 Thrusting Masturbator Demo24:54 Couples Vibrating Ring28:27 Remote Prostate Massager Review30:16 New BlowMotion Teaser32:55 Lube And Toy Care Basics33:32 Audience Q&A

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, Cam discusses how medicine, culture, and commerce intersect in social-media health narratives with Emma Grundtvig Gram, PhD. They unpack Emma's research focusing on “low T” content on TikTok and Instagram. She explains her content-analysis study examining how influencers promote testosterone testing and treatment through narratives rather than evidence, often linking testosterone to confidence, dominance, success, muscles, sexual performance, leadership, and happiness while framing ordinary experiences (fatigue, stress, weight gain, stalled gym progress, sexual fluctuations) as signs of deficiency. The conversation covers regressive gender ideas, disparagement of femininity, manosphere links, optimisation/T-maxing pressures, appeals to fear of aging and masculinity loss, and concerns about young men as long-term consumers.Key Points:03:07 Why Study "Low T"08:05 Disease Mongering Explained16:36 Sexuality Framed As Deficiency27:46 The Optimisation Trap37:30 Homosocial And Homoerotic Ads41:18 Parasocial Trust And Algorithms44:33 Healthier Testosterone Talk

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, Cam chats with Stephanie Ganowski. They discuss how porn and online masculinity messaging create unrealistic expectations, and explain the mechanism of performance anxiety as a fight-or-flight nervous system response that disrupts arousal and erections and can speed ejaculation. Stephanie emphasizes pairing physical techniques (breathing, pelvic floor work) with mindset changes, including answering “what if” thoughts in advance to reduce uncertainty and build trust. Both advocate reframing sex from penis-centered performance to pleasure, presence, and connection, encouraging non-linear intimacy and better communication with partners, including using third-party prompts like podcasts. Stephanie shares her iOS app Ronin, a guided masturbation/meditation tool to build confidence, reduce porn reliance, and train arousal skills.Key Points:07:01 Nervous System Breakdown13:15 Redefining Great Sex24:22 PE vs ED Practices29:25 Couples Talk About Sex34:31 Handling Hard Feedback41:39 Toys Lube And Solo Practice

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, Cam chats with Jordan Walker, an RSE specialist working with teens (including neurodivergent and trauma-affected youth) in Western Australia. They discuss boys seeking connection online via manosphere content, the loss of third spaces and community sport, the role of parents and upskilled coaches, and the need for facilitated, mixed-gender discussions to build conflict-resolution skills.Key points:06:09 Consent Teaching Pitfalls18:59 What Boys Need Now20:38 Manosphere And Porn Influence27:29 Parents and Schools Role35:19 Connection Seeking and AI Companions39:11 Teaching Consent Online45:18 When We Avoid Hard Talks

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, Cam chats with Seán Forde Kelly, coach and founder of the sexual wellness nonprofit Come What May. They discuss how shame blocks sexual openness, and how it dissipates when stories are shared safely through emotional release and validation. They also explore accountability for harmful male behaviour, the role of “healthy shame,” the idea of a “predator” or primal impulse in men, and improving consent education through embodied practices.Key points:01:04 What Sexual Wellness Means09:19 Shame vs Guilt Explained19:41 Accountability for Abuse30:02 Embodied Consent Practices34:13 Coercion and Power Dynamics39:34 Teaching Consent to Youth

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, Pamela Madsen, a U.S.-based sex educator specializing in hands-on somatic education, discusses eroticism as full-body passion rather than orgasm-focused performance. We explore how goal-oriented “purpose” messaging can turn sex into pressure around erections, penetration, and climax, while many women primarily want attention, eye contact, and presence. We distinguish quick, private masturbation habits from partnered intimacy and suggest building “erotic endurance” through non-genital touch like massage, slowing down even more, and starting connection before the bedroom.Key Points:02:59 Purpose Versus Pleasure08:02 Presence And Attention10:45 Masturbation Habits And Porn18:58 Erotic Endurance Mindset28:46 Play As A Portal30:49 Roleplay And Avatars33:50 Bringing Intention Back

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, sexuality coach Brett Matthews shares how his own early struggles with shame, anxiety, and unworthiness around sex became the “wound” that led him into embodiment work and coaching. We discuss how many clients seek help at crisis points, how porn and disembodied self-pleasure can condition performance habits, and why foundational practices like body awareness, deeper breathing, nervous-system regulation, subconscious retraining/hypnotherapy, and arousal training matter. We also explore performance anxiety’s roots in feeling “not enough,” fear of abandonment, and the power of vulnerability and partner communication.Key Points:06:50 Porn Conditioning Effects10:48 Core Practices For Men16:53 Anxiety And "Not Enough"26:23 Long Term Relationship Repair30:53 Initiation And Manhood37:38 Celibacy And Self Identity45:01 Initiation Through Pleasure

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, Cam interviews Susan Bratton, author and publisher of 44 books and programs on heart-connected, pleasure-focused “orgasmic intimacy,” reframing sex beyond intercourse to full-body sensual touch, communication, oral pleasuring, yoni massage, and orgasmic intercourse that considers what the vagina wants. She argues sex can improve with age, supports healthspan and happiness, and is an overlooked “fourth factor of longevity” alongside sleep, nutrition, and movement. They discuss barriers like religious repression, patriarchy, porn-driven performance scripts, and poor sexual literacy, and agree pleasure can fuel broader systemic change. Practical steps include dropping agendas and performance goals, slowing down with holding, adoration and verbal encouragement for safety, massage to reduce tension, “bullseye” touch to build arousal over time, normalizing erection fluctuations, and exploring 69 and varied thrusting techniques. Key Points:04:45 Sex as Longevity Pillar12:11 Systems vs Personal Pleasure25:09 Soothing Touch and Care28:34 Beyond Piston Sex30:57 Massage Skill Calibration32:03 Lady Boner Bloodflow45:18 Ecstatic Sex Roadmap

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, Cam interviews Ali Gilbert, a coach known as the “Queen of Men’s Health,” who works with high-performing men over 40 through an integrated model combining medical, training, nutrition, lifestyle, and recovery support to reduce decision fatigue. They discuss how men often follow fragmented advice from multiple experts, switch strategies too quickly, and struggle to isolate what actually works, emphasizing coordinated communication across providers. Common goals include energy, longevity, body composition, and guidance around TRT, including proper dosing, lab monitoring, and the reality that TRT is typically a lifetime commitment when well managed. They also explore how male sexual concerns are often oversimplified as “testosterone or pills,” highlighting stress, anxiety, relationship dynamics, and other hormonal factors (thyroid, DHEA, pregnenolone) as key influences, and the importance of normalizing “boner talk” and focusing on root causes rather than quick fixes.Key points:05:42 TRT Myths And Symptoms11:59 Stress Kills Libido20:18 Performance Anxiety Trap25:41 Handling Higher Libido33:54 Beyond Testosterone Alone39:15 Final Takeaways and Thanks

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, Caitlin V, a sex and relationship coach, YouTuber, HBO Max host, and author of "Harder, Better, Longer, Stronger," outlines her decade of work primarily with men experiencing performance anxiety. She emphasizes shifting from performance and comparison to an experiential focus on pleasure, communication, and treating sexual challenges as data. We also discuss fear, homophobia, and manosphere grifts.Key Points:05:47 Beyond Premature Ejaculation13:25 Performance vs Pleasure19:24 Fear and Masculinity23:23 Manosphere Grifts37:44 Fear of Pleasure42:17 Performance vs Receiving48:54 Erotic Libraries and Porn