Ep179 - I'm worthless and broken and need to hide who I am

In this episode we talk about the core of many traumas and pain in the past - feeling worthless, unlovable and unloved. A feeling despite being so prevalent is neither good nor normal and especially harmful during this dark time of the year and even worse in the holiday seasons.When listening to those who suffer, I keep hearing all sort of variants of “I need to hide who I am. If others knew they would leave me”. Be it because they feel broken, useless, unloved, unworthy of love, tainted, talentless or the like or maybe all I listed.Send us a textContact: [email protected]: www.johannadraconis.com www.johannadraconis.com/archive-collectionsupport me:https://ko-fi.com/johannadraconishttps://paypal.me/JohannadraconisDiscord/support group: https://discord.io/JohannaDraconishttps://discord.gg/mEAgpqjuhFtwitter: https://twitter.com/JohannaDraconisInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/JohannaDraconis/youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR_eyifiglAs0knS4huMwoQhttps://www.youtube.com/@johannadraconis reddit archive: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDarchive/reddit convo: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDtalk/rss feed: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/371360.rss

 In this episode we talk about the anger that is a very consistent companion during our healing, the so called angry teenager you might have heard about and how to deal with the anger. You might have seen a quote like this: “Healing can be so hard. It’s a constant battle between your inner child who is hurting, your inner teenager who is angry and your current self who only wants peace”. And there is a lot of truth to that, but not in the way it seems.Send us a textContact: [email protected]: www.johannadraconis.com www.johannadraconis.com/archive-collectionsupport me:https://ko-fi.com/johannadraconishttps://paypal.me/JohannadraconisDiscord/support group: https://discord.io/JohannaDraconishttps://discord.gg/mEAgpqjuhFtwitter: https://twitter.com/JohannaDraconisInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/JohannaDraconis/youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR_eyifiglAs0knS4huMwoQhttps://www.youtube.com/@johannadraconis reddit archive: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDarchive/reddit convo: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDtalk/rss feed: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/371360.rss

Good day, this time we do something slighty different while I work myself back into the rhythm. Would love to hear your feedback. First, I want to thank you for your patience and apologize for the long delay. I really missed you.When I’m referring to the storm I’m talking about the many variants of it - your personal life, your surrounding, the world and naturally everything in between. And - of course - everything is interconnected. How your personal life is will influence how you view the world and of course the state of the world impacts you. It is important to recognize what is causing your personal storm, understand how it is done and then how one can counter it. This greatly affects people with PTSD and learning how to protect oneself is crucial.We start with the world - recognizing, your world - recognizing, understanding, countering the world and then countering for your world.Send us a textContact: [email protected]: www.johannadraconis.com www.johannadraconis.com/archive-collectionsupport me:https://ko-fi.com/johannadraconishttps://paypal.me/JohannadraconisDiscord/support group: https://discord.io/JohannaDraconishttps://discord.gg/mEAgpqjuhFtwitter: https://twitter.com/JohannaDraconisInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/JohannaDraconis/youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR_eyifiglAs0knS4huMwoQhttps://www.youtube.com/@johannadraconis reddit archive: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDarchive/reddit convo: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDtalk/rss feed: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/371360.rss

Hello my dears! I am Johanna Draconis and I am slowly coming back. As expected the fight was successful and completely burned me out. But I am FINALLY FREE! Of Torture AND Trauma. This took WAY TOO long. And now more and more falls into place and fully rebuilds me - which is a very energy and time consuming process. For all those reasons I will slowly make my way back.But to ease most of you: This end boss doesn’t seem to appear unless you experienced many years of torture especially as a child. But since I am the only person I know who’s cured of torture - I only have one data point and time will tell what is required.I also wanted to record this episode because I know the holidays are for many a particularly dark time and to strongly encourage you to take a step away from it all if needed. Your mental health is more important than being up to date.Fear mongering and hate watching are extremely popular on social media and give the feeling, that if you don’t watch every video - you are going to be lost. Unless you are working with it - stepping away for several days or weeks will do nothing.It can actually be quite therapeutic to be away for a while and coming back to see the same things being told. The world didn’t end. A new sunrise will come and a new set of dramatic events. Letting go can help a lot with your anxiety, stress and getting comfortable with needing some time for yourself and slowing down. I hope you are well and that I can bring you more soon.Take very good care of yourself, stay safe and happy holidaysJohannaSend us a textContact: [email protected]: www.johannadraconis.com www.johannadraconis.com/archive-collectionsupport me:https://ko-fi.com/johannadraconishttps://paypal.me/JohannadraconisDiscord/support group: https://discord.io/JohannaDraconishttps://discord.gg/mEAgpqjuhFtwitter: https://twitter.com/JohannaDraconisInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/JohannaDraconis/youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR_eyifiglAs0knS4huMwoQhttps://www.youtube.com/@johannadraconis reddit archive: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDarchive/reddit convo: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDtalk/rss feed: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/371360.rss

Hello my dears! I am Johanna Draconis and I am going shortly into what is going on and why I’m on hiatus. First on social media. I am going to restructure things and have plans and my silly brain decided that means I can’t post anything in the meantime.Second - I have been still dealing with torture - as I seriously underestimated how much it would slow down the closer I got to the early years. Then everything slowed more and more down - which wasn’t surprising given that my life got more and more on fire - and it got really hard to work and I genuinely thought I had burn out. But then I got those CPTSD nightmares after last episode and after some looking I found the reason: A gigantic cluster trauma - the biggest and strongest I have ever encountered. Which is unsurprising given it is strongly connected to torture and early in life. How did I overlook it? Well turns out it was hidden within the torture and with that removal it got active. A sort of really bad parting gift. Now will I win? Yes - 99% sure.I have the skill, knowledge and tools, but I really have to focus on it and myself now - and this work especially hits too close to home. I am optimistic I can get back to work very soon.I hope you are all wellTake care and stay safe!Send us a textContact: [email protected]: www.johannadraconis.com www.johannadraconis.com/archive-collectionsupport me:https://ko-fi.com/johannadraconishttps://paypal.me/JohannadraconisDiscord/support group: https://discord.io/JohannaDraconishttps://discord.gg/mEAgpqjuhFtwitter: https://twitter.com/JohannaDraconisInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/JohannaDraconis/youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR_eyifiglAs0knS4huMwoQhttps://www.youtube.com/@johannadraconis reddit archive: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDarchive/reddit convo: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDtalk/rss feed: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/371360.rss

Hello my dears! I am Johanna Draconis and I wanted to give this sign of life.Life is kind of on fire right now - thanks to the weather almost also literally - and I need to focus on that. Things should be back to normal soon - and I’m looking forward to that.But since it’s the 4th of July and I know many in my audience will likely suffer, I also wanted to remind that it is okay on some days to have a blackout day. To remove just everything one can from the timetable.So that only the absolute necessary and wanted remains. To spoil oneself on such a day and practice self care. Healing isn’t just about the progress we make but also the damage we prevent. And sometimes all we can focus on is limiting the damage we take.The more rested, relaxed, happy and in good company you are - the less severe the symptoms and likely the trigger are. Or in short: Be kind to yourself. I hope to see you again soonTake care and stay safeSend us a textContact: [email protected]: www.johannadraconis.com www.johannadraconis.com/archive-collectionsupport me:https://ko-fi.com/johannadraconishttps://paypal.me/JohannadraconisDiscord/support group: https://discord.io/JohannaDraconishttps://discord.gg/mEAgpqjuhFtwitter: https://twitter.com/JohannaDraconisInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/JohannaDraconis/youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR_eyifiglAs0knS4huMwoQhttps://www.youtube.com/@johannadraconis reddit archive: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDarchive/reddit convo: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDtalk/rss feed: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/371360.rss

 In this episode we will talk about being lonely/loneliness and the hole inside that causes all of it. There is a loneliness epidemic that keeps spreading and cause a lot of suffering. But why do we all feel so lonely? What is causing this feeling? And what can we do about it? We first get into lonely/alone, then the hole inside, then how it escalates, then how loneliness spreads and then how to stop it.Contact: [email protected] Transcript: https://www.johannadraconis.com/episode176Send us a textContact: [email protected]: www.johannadraconis.com www.johannadraconis.com/archive-collectionsupport me:https://ko-fi.com/johannadraconishttps://paypal.me/JohannadraconisDiscord/support group: https://discord.io/JohannaDraconishttps://discord.gg/mEAgpqjuhFtwitter: https://twitter.com/JohannaDraconisInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/JohannaDraconis/youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR_eyifiglAs0knS4huMwoQhttps://www.youtube.com/@johannadraconis reddit archive: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDarchive/reddit convo: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDtalk/rss feed: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/371360.rss

In this episode we will talk about abuse language - the language that is designed to weaken the victim and used as a weapon by the abuser to maintain and expand their control over the victim. Abuse language is hard to explain if you don’t know the mechanics.We first talk about deniability, then teaching the language, then the slow game and then planting the seeds.Contact: [email protected] Transcript: https://www.johannadraconis.com/episode175Send us a textContact: [email protected]: www.johannadraconis.com www.johannadraconis.com/archive-collectionsupport me:https://ko-fi.com/johannadraconishttps://paypal.me/JohannadraconisDiscord/support group: https://discord.io/JohannaDraconishttps://discord.gg/mEAgpqjuhFtwitter: https://twitter.com/JohannaDraconisInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/JohannaDraconis/youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR_eyifiglAs0knS4huMwoQhttps://www.youtube.com/@johannadraconis reddit archive: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDarchive/reddit convo: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDtalk/rss feed: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/371360.rss

In this episode we will talk about flashbacks - the most known symptom of PTSD -  and wrongly assumed to be a central requirement for having any form of PTSD. Flashbacks are often referred to something along the lines of “having flashbacks like I have PTSD”. But unlike what many think it is only a severe symptom and not a requirement for PTSD. It is a sign that PTSD is in its more severe stages and needs to be addressed NOW.We first talk about what are flashbacks, then what causes them, then when do they appear, then what can we do about them and then how can we use them.Contact: [email protected] Transcript: https://www.johannadraconis.com/episode174Send us a textContact: [email protected]: www.johannadraconis.com www.johannadraconis.com/archive-collectionsupport me:https://ko-fi.com/johannadraconishttps://paypal.me/JohannadraconisDiscord/support group: https://discord.io/JohannaDraconishttps://discord.gg/mEAgpqjuhFtwitter: https://twitter.com/JohannaDraconisInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/JohannaDraconis/youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR_eyifiglAs0knS4huMwoQhttps://www.youtube.com/@johannadraconis reddit archive: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDarchive/reddit convo: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDtalk/rss feed: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/371360.rss

In this episode we will talk about how abusers keep control over us - even long after we are out of that situation it can still apply. Especially if we were children at the time and we learned this to be “normal”. We need to understand to recognize and unlearn it.We first talk about abuse language, then always on edge, then redefining normal, then always assumed guilty, then sabotaging skills, then sugar and pain and then isolation.https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-manipulation-tactics/https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/narcissism-demystified/https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/addiction-and-recovery/Contact: [email protected] Transcript: https://www.johannadraconis.com/episode173Send us a textContact: [email protected]: www.johannadraconis.com www.johannadraconis.com/archive-collectionsupport me:https://ko-fi.com/johannadraconishttps://paypal.me/JohannadraconisDiscord/support group: https://discord.io/JohannaDraconishttps://discord.gg/mEAgpqjuhFtwitter: https://twitter.com/JohannaDraconisInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/JohannaDraconis/youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR_eyifiglAs0knS4huMwoQhttps://www.youtube.com/@johannadraconis reddit archive: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDarchive/reddit convo: https://www.reddit.com/r/DraconisCPTSDtalk/rss feed: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/371360.rss