Is It Really Possible To Master Your Nafs...?

QUESTION: Salaam, I have a question regarding this 'optimal spouse' thing. Can an optimal spouse be one that brings you closer to Allah through the difficulties you have to deal with due to them? As a reult of there behaviour/character? Or is it only if you are content with them and everything  more or less 'clicks'? What is the interpretation of an 'optimal spouse'? ANSWER:  For context, the sister asking this question has been married for decades and has a good number of children - some fully grown and some still young.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings upon him) was not concerned with his followers falling for literal idolatry.  The Oneness of Allah just makes far too much sense and it's unthinkable that anyone who believes in the Quran would literally start intentionally worshipping something else.  However, subtle forms of idolatry, like showing off (i.e. valuing what other people think more than Allah) and other diseases of the heart can be devastating to the soul.  Perhaps one of the most subtle forms is what I call, "Psychological Idolatry".

There is one insight that I've been blessed to discover and that I've introduced thousands of people to, that has perhaps made the biggest impact on my personal life.  I call it, "The Psychological Switch", and when you discover it for yourself, you'll find yourself experiencing much, much more:  Inner freedom, presence, peace, joy, happiness, courage, attractiveness and confidence.

The goal for the believing Muslim is to purify our hearts.  The way to do that is by clearing from our minds any thoughts of anything but Allah, the Transcendent.  In other words, we want to be in a constant state of mindfulness of Allah - aka. "Zikr Allah".

After over 15 years of full-time coaching with people from all walks of life to overcome all kinds of challenges that the nafs presents - in their professional, personal and spiritual lives - I can safely say, the answer is a resounding... "YES!" Clients who had life-long patterns of self-sabotage, or seemingly irreconcilable marital issues - completely dissolved them. Forever. All thanks to spontaneously and permanently dropping ego-patterns. (In fact, you can check out a few of their testimonials on the page linked below).  It turns out that there are a handful of specific teachings, methods, insights and techniques that work for everyone and that make a HUGE difference in the 'battle' against the ego.

Today marks the 21st anniversary of 56 totally innocent Londoners being killed for absolutely no logical reason, by 4 misguided and frankly, really, really bad Muslims, who detonated bombs in 3 underground tubes and one double decker bus.  I say 'really bad' Muslims, because you don't need to be a genius or a saint to read the Quran and realise that killing innocent people will lead you into Hell… NOT Heaven.  52 people of 18 nationalities were killed and nearly 800 were injured in the attacks. Plus the 4 attackers who committed suicide as part of the attack.  Take a moment to let that sink in.

Most of us are walking around all day long, tuned in to Radio Station NST (Non-Stop Thinking). We're constantly playing a soundtrack and watching mind-movies in our heads. Some of these mind-movies and day-dreams seem innocent enough… but they often turn dark and soon become nightmares that fill us with anxiety, worry, sadness, anger, guilt and other forms of negativity. Trying to out-work, out-pray or out-recite your nafs-based thinking is a losing battle, because your nafs is right there with you as you do those activities - trying to sabotage and distract you at every turn.

Question:  I've been practicing the presence techniques you teach, but I'm only able to stay in that state for a few seconds. Maybe for a minute if I try really hard. How can I stay present for longer? The so-called "techniques" I teach to become present are simply doorways or portals into a profoundly deep spiritual state.  There are two main reasons that explain why our minds are so noisy that it seems hard to stay in this beautiful state of "Thoughtless Awareness".

There are a lot of mindset techniques that you can learn that are designed to help you feel better when you're feeling bad. What they all have in common is that they involve changing your thinking when you feel bad. Obviously, a negative feeling comes directly from negative thinking, and if you change the way you think, you'll automatically change the way you feel.  

As someone who became obsessed with personal development in my late teens and early twenties, I came across a lot of techniques on how to clear up or change negative thinking and feeling. I learned about: neuro-linguistic programming neuro-associative conditioning Gestalt therapy family systems therapy Logo-therapy Cognitive behavioral therapy and many, many more modalities