The Internalized Male Gaze and Self-Objectification

Join Hecate in this episode of 'Finding OK,' a healing podcast for survivors of SA and abuse, as they delve into the concept of "the male gaze", how it's internalized, its role in objectification, and its intersection with sexual healing post-trauma. Inspired by Margaret Atwood's poem from 'The Robber Bride', Hecate explores how societal beauty standards and the male gaze have influenced their self-perception, sexuality, and share reflections on their journey toward authentic pleasure and intimacy. This episode aims to provide strength and resonance for women, femmes, and AFAB individuals. Listen for powerful personal reflections on noticing and dismantling internalized patriarchal views. and a call for embracing radical self-love (it's a process). Episode Notes: The Male Gaze:https://media-studies.com/male-gaze/ https://theconversation.com/half-a-century-of-the-male-gaze-why-laura-mulveys-pioneering-theory-still-resonates-today-256875Miss Representation: https://therepproject.org/films/miss-representation/It's a must watch! Finding OK: https://www.finding-ok.com/Hecate's Links: https://linktr.ee/FindingOK Support the Podcast and become a Patreon member! https://www.patreon.com/c/CrossroadsCrowStudiosFinding OK is funded entirely by generosity of listeners like you!https://www.finding-ok.com/support/Music is "Your Heart is a Muscle the Size of Your Fist" used with the personal permission of Ramshackle Glory. Go check out their music! https://open.spotify.com/artist/0qdbl...00:00 Introduction and Poem Reading 02:00 Podcast Introduction and Trigger Warnings 04:11 Understanding the Male Gaze 06:45 Personal Experiences with the Male Gaze 11:36 Internalized Male Gaze and Self-Objectification 13:53 Intersection with Sexuality and Body Image 23:08 Healing and Moving Forward 29:22 Closing Remarks and AcknowledgementsSupport the show

In this episode Hecate discusses why menstruation can be triggering for survivors, especially for those who have been assaulted during their periods. Hecate provides statistics from medical studies indicating that a significant percentage of SA survivors were menstruating at the time of their assault. The combined social stigmas against speaking about SA and menstruation mean this is an experience that is not being talked about enough, leading to even greater feelings of isolation and shame. The episode also addresses some of the challenges of managing periods post-trauma, and different menstrual products through a survivor’s lens. With personal anecdotes and research-backed insights, this episode aims to provide a voice to the often unspoken and overlooked intersection of menstruation and SA trauma. Hecate hopes this episode will help other survivors who have had this experience feel less alone.Tw/Cw: SA (and some details of assaults), R*pe, PTSD, menstruation, substances, and strong language.Links and References:Cardenas, K., Wiersma, G., Dykema, J., Rossman, L., Fedewa, J., & Jones, J. S. (2011). 279 impact of the victim’s menstrual cycle phase on genital injuries following sexual assault. Annals of Emergency Medicine, 58(4). https://doi.org/10.1016/j.annemergmed.2011.06.309 Gollapudi, M., Thomas, A., Yogarajah, A., Ospina, D., Daher, J. C., Rahman, A., Santistevan, L., Patel, R. V., Abraham, J., Oommen, S. G., & Siddiqui, H. F. (2024). Understanding the interplay between premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) and female sexual dysfunction (FSD). Cureus, 16(6). https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.62788 Noll, J. G., Trickett, P. K., Long, J. D., Negriff, S., Susman, E. J., Shalev, I., Li, J. C., & Putnam, F. W. (2017). Childhood sexual abuse and early timing of puberty. Journal of Adolescent Health, 60(1), 65–71. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2016.09.008 Vu, A., Moaddel, V., Emmerich, B., Rossman, L., Bach, J., Seamon, J., Barnes, M., Ouellette, L., & Jones, J. (2023). Association between the victim’s menstrual cycle phase and genital injuries following sexual assault. Clinical Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, 6(2), 038–042. https://doi.org/10.29328/journal.cjog.1001127 *Thank you again to my sister Chie for their invaluable help with research and citations!*Articles about the heavy metals found in tampons: https://factor.niehs.nih.gov/2024/8/feature/3-feature-metals-in-tamponshttps://publichealth.berkeley.edu/articles/spotlight/research/first-study-to-measure-toxic-metals-in-tampons-shows-arsenic-and-leadhttps://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0160412024004355#:~:text=Across%20those%20studies%2C%20a%20range,et%20al.%2C%202022).Lucky Iron Fish: https://luckyironlife.com/?srsltid=AfmBOorbSgfTM6sE3c6r-IRy3MNC0u-i8v-S4-s5lkZPo89aSCXJvEfjFinding OK: https://www.finding-ok.com/Hecate's Links: https://linktr.ee/FindingOK Support the Podcast and become a Patreon member!https://www.patreon.com/c/HecateFindingOKFinding OK is funded entirely by generosity of listeners like you!https://www.finding-ok.com/support/Music is "Your Heart is a Muscle the Size of Your Fist" used with the personal permission of Ramshackle Glory. Go check out their music!https://open.spotify.com/artist/0qdbl...Timestamps:00:00 Introduction and Trigger Warnings01:17 Menstruation and Trauma07:47 Challenges with Sanitary Products12:14 Personal Experiences of Assault During Menstruation15:58 Statistics and Research on Assault During Menstruation21:01 Triggers and Coping Mechanisms32:08 Conclusion and Support3Support the show

In this episode I speak with Alisa Zipursky about her book 'Healing Honestly,' a powerful resource for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Alisa and I discuss the legitimacy of traumatic memory, the harmful myth of False Memory Syndrome, and the journey of healing through self-acceptance and community support. Alisa shares insights on overcoming self-blame and self-shame, parenting as a survivor, and finding strength in connections. Whether you're a survivor yourself or supporting one, this episode offers valuable perspectives and reassurances. TW/CW: Childhood sexual abuse, Family Abuse, PTSD, Eating Disorders, body image, and strong language.Episode Notes:Healing Honestly by Alisa Zipursky: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/726361/healing-honestly-by-alisa-zipursky/Alisa's Website: https://healinghonestly.com/Finding OK: https://www.finding-ok.com/Hecate's Links: https://linktr.ee/FindingOKSupport the Podcast and become a Patreon member!https://www.patreon.com/HecateFindingOKFinding OK is funded entirely by generosity of listeners like you!https://www.finding-ok.com/support/Music is "Your Heart is a Muscle the Size of Your Fist" used with the personal permission of Ramshackle Glory. Go check out their music!https://open.spotify.com/artist/0qdblxxVBeNzq1LFwzjN9g?si=G99NwDuSQBqRGWZi53BoZgTimestamps:00:00 Introduction and Opening Monologue00:55 Welcome to Finding OK01:13 Interview with Alisa Zipursky03:07 Trigger Warnings and Support04:10 Personal Reflections and Parenting06:20 Stepping into Power and Activism15:45 Healing and Self-Care24:15 The Importance of Connection42:36 Healing Without Clear Memory51:01 The Origin of DARVO and False Memory Syndrome52:36 The Impact of False Memory Syndrome Foundation54:39 Media Influence and Public Perception57:11 Personal Experiences and Societal Harm58:56 Challenging Harmful Narratives01:02:04 The Importance of Community and Support01:03:46 Healing and Self-Acceptance01:05:52 Navigating Parenthood as a CSA Survivor01:15:02 Final Thoughts and Encouragement01:34:58 Closing Remarks and GratitudeSupport the show

In this episode of Finding OK, I interview Polish LGBTQ+ comic artist Monika, best known for her series 'My Secret Lesbian Comics.' Monika shares her journey as a survivor of child abuse and discusses how she processes her trauma and finds healing through her side project, 'Self-pity Social Club.' We discuss the impact of her abusive mother, the decision to go no contact, and navigating relationships within her family afterwards. Monika also shares some powerful tools from therapy, offers advice to other survivors, and talks about the importance of creativity and friendship in her healing journey. I love Monika's work and I'm so grateful I got to speak with her! Tw/Cw: Child abuse, PTSD, depression, suicide, and strong language.Episode Notes:Monika's Links: https://linktr.ee/mysecretlesbiancomics?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAae7yjg_9oQIvXxzLaaJe7wkVOTud8vqZX3JaqAaWaWBpiYc-EEZZKRhtKKmnQ_aem_QZxxyNZ_UQo6e53MXnGuugSelf-pity Social Club: https://www.webtoons.com/en/canvas/self-pity-social-club/list?title_no=788807Finding OK: https://www.finding-ok.com/Hecate's Links: https://linktr.ee/FindingOKSupport the Podcast and become a Patreon member!https://www.patreon.com/HecateFindingOKFinding OK is funded entirely by generosity of listeners like you!https://www.finding-ok.com/support/Timestamps:00:00 Introduction and Personal Reflection00:55 Welcome to Finding OK01:12 Meet Monika: Polish LGBTQ+ Comic Artist03:29 Trigger Warnings and Support04:41 Interview Begins: Monika's Journey04:57 Navigating Family Dynamics06:11 Generational Shifts in Mental Health12:29 Celebrating Compliments and Self-Care16:22 The Birth of a Comic Artist27:38 Self-Pity Social Club: A Personal Project36:29 Sisterly Bonding Over a Difficult Mother36:48 Financial Manipulation and Emotional Abuse38:07 Moving to England and Financial Struggles39:02 Discovering Mother's Deceit39:41 Manipulative Pity Tactics47:27 The Wedding Day Incident50:51 The Fake Suicide Attempt58:29 Cutting Ties and Setting Boundaries01:01:22 Family Dynamics and Childhood Abuse01:07:45 Validating Experiences and Healing01:11:52 Family Party Drama01:12:10 Unwanted Attention01:12:32 Confrontation and Realization01:13:48 Family Dynamics and Tensions01:17:02 Listener Questions01:17:46 Navigating No Contact01:19:17 Handling Family Events01:24:00 Therapy and Healing01:32:43 Dealing with Suicidal Thoughts01:40:53 Queer Joy and Creativity01:43:44 Final Thoughts and FarewellSupport the show

In this episode of Finding OK, Hecate returns after a year-long hiatus to provide an update on the podcast and share personal insights on intersectionality, kyriarchy, and the importance of understanding systemic oppression as part of healing from sexual assault and abuse. Hecate discusses the interconnectedness of personal trauma and broader social injustices, and emphasizes the need for community and collective action against systems of oppression. The episode encourages listeners to engage with their communities, leverage their unique gifts for activism, and maintain hope and resilience in tough times.Tw/Cw: Suicide, depression, PTSD, the subject of sexual assault and abuse, fascism, and genocide.00:00 Introduction and Personal Reflection00:56 Podcast Update and Mental Health Struggles05:13 Intersectionality and Systems of Oppression14:49 The Personal is Political29:30 Call to Action and Community Building35:03 Finding Connection and Staying Grounded36:24 The Power of Authenticity38:51 Building Community Through Twitch42:36 Facing Fascism and Finding Resources49:02 Supporting Palestine and Fundraising Efforts52:14 Mental Health and Activism56:39 The River Metaphor: Different Ways to Help01:02:26 Final Thoughts and EncouragementLinks: Podcast Website: https://www.finding-ok.com/ Hecate's Linktree: https://linktr.ee/FindingOK Join Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/HecateFindingOK Hecate's PCRF Fundraiser: https://donate.tiltify.com/4125341b-4f0d-43e0-b017-0019a82b8dde/details Decolonizing Therapy: https://www.decolonizingtherapy.com/ Black Liturgies on Insta: https://www.instagram.com/blackliturgies/?hl=en DevthePineapple on Insta: https://www.instagram.com/devthepineapple/?hl=en Check out Signal for a secure messaging app that won't sell you or your comrades out to the cops: https://signal.org/ YK Hong (An activist to follow everywhere): https://ykhong.com/ Free Zine about fighting Fascism: https://itsgoingdown.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/DontJustDoNothing_CounterFascism_IMPOSED.pdf Free Zine about resisting Oligarchy: https://www.instagram.com/p/DFgWbIVPfk1/?img_index=1 Printable Brochure Version: https://www.canva.com/design/DAGdx0uhGuQ/r7PQuF6JlQG6GnzT7iwbRw/edit?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAaby7YCPCiYHjNnaDNuFa8b5MwzlqI2OAIrnKGUYE9sK9ML9SVSSRkvV8mk_aem_RuQok6tkGVOdY_XtOOQgSwSupport the show

Sandy Phillips Kirkham is a survivor of clergy abuse and the author of, "Let Me Prey Upon You". Sandy was very active in her church growing up, her faith was the center of her life. When she was 16 her youth pastor groomed and manipulated her into a sexual relationship. After years of abuse she managed to exit the relationship and reclaim her life. Sandy kept her experience a secret for 27 years before she had to face it and begin her healing journey. Today Sandy is a strong advocate for survivors of clergy abuse as a board member of the Council Against Child Abuse and through her work with The Hope of Survivors. Today Sandy will be sharing her story, and we'll be discussing her incredibly powerful book.Sandy Kirkham and her husband Bill enjoy life with their two grown children, two beautiful granddaughters, and two fairly well-behaved dogs. Sandy continues to use her voice to help victims of clergy abuse. She currently serves on the board of Council Against Child Abuse. Sandy has spoken before the Ohio Senate, a Maryland court, and appeared on a local television show in Boston. Her story, “Stolen Innocence,” was told in a documentary produced by The Hope of Survivors. Sandy works with survivors conducting victim support conferences. She has participated in The Voice of the Faithful (VOTF) panels moderated by SNAP (Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests), sharing her perspective from the non-Catholic point of view. Sandy has been a presenter/speaker at major events on clergy abuse including the Hope & Healing Conference. Sandy has earned a certificate of completion from the Faith Trust Institute entitled, “A Sacred Trust: Boundary Issues for Clergy and Spiritual Teachers.”Sandy's Website: https://sandyphillipskirkham.com/Sandy's Book: https://sandyphillipskirkham.com/shop/https://bookshop.org/p/books/let-me-prey-upon-you-breaking-free-from-a-minister-s-sexual-abuse-sandy-phillips-kirkham/13830913?ean=9781734195200The Hope of Survivors: http://www.thehopeofsurvivors.org/Council on Child Abuse: https://www.cocachild.org/GRACE: https://www.netgrace.org/SNAP: https://www.snapnetwork.org/Finding OK: https://www.finding-ok.com/Hecate's Links: https://linktr.ee/FindingOKSupport the podcast and become a Patreon member!https://www.patreon.com/HecateFindingOKFinding OK is funded entirely by the generosity of listeners like you!https://www.finding-ok.com/support/Letters for the Fire: https://www.finding-ok.com/blog/letters-for-the-fire-season-5/Thank you for listening. BLM. Take care of yourself <3Support the show

Part 2 of my interview with Andrew Pledger. This episode will focus on Andrew's experience with conversion therapy,  how he found support exiting fundamentalism, his expulsion from BJU,  and the work he's doing healing and speaking out. Andrew was raised in a fundamentalist Christian cult and realized in his youth that he was gay. He attended Bob Jones University, which is a fundamentalist Christian college with a chilling history of abuse. While there, Andrew was bullied, harassed, tailed by college employees, and subjected to conversion therapy. In his junior year Andrew was expelled from BJU for publicly denouncing fundamentalism. Andrew is healing and working hard to spread awareness of religious abuse. His new podcast, "Surviving Bob Jones University: A Christian Cult" is exposing BJU's racist and abusive legacy. Andrew's story is of learning to honor your inner voice and follow your intuition, even when everything and everyone around you is telling you it's wrong. Andrew's Website: https://andrewpledger.mypixieset.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/4ndrewpledger/Links: https://andrewpledger.mypixieset.com/linksAndrew's Podcasts-Surviving Bob Jones University: A Christian Cult: https://open.spotify.com/show/6zpFerrBjOuNACq1oklIU6Speaking Up: Surviving Religions and Cults: https://shows.acast.com/speaking-up-with-andrew-pledgerAndrew's Interview with Josh Harrishttps://youtu.be/qRwx4OoS2aM?si=Qtv8ifHW5vICIB9WThe Trevor Project - Crisis Hotline for LGBTQ+ youth:https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/Conversion Therapy https://www.hrc.org/resources/the-lies-and-dangers-of-reparative-therapyPattern of Narcissistic Abusehttps://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/narcissistic-relationship-patternHypnotherapy for Traumahttps://psychcentral.com/health/hypnotherapy-trauma#hypnotherapy-for-treating-traumaIndoctriNation Podcast https://www.podpage.com/indoctrination/Deconstruction Reddit Threadshttps://www.reddit.com/r/FundieSnarkUncensored/https://www.reddit.com/r/cultsurvivors/?xpromo_edp=enabledFinding OK website: https://www.finding-ok.com/Become a Patreon member!https://www.patreon.com/HecateFindingOKSupport the Show: https://www.finding-ok.com/support/Hecate's Links: https://linktr.ee/FindingOKLetters for the Fire: https://www.finding-ok.com/blog/letters-for-the-fire-season-5/Thank you so much for listening. BLM. Take care of yourself <3Support the show

Andrew Pledger was raised in a fundamentalist Christian cult and realized in his youth that he was gay. He attended Bob Jones University, which is a fundamentalist Christian college with a chilling history of abuse. While there, Andrew was bullied, harassed, tailed by college employees, and subjected to conversion therapy. In his junior year Andrew was expelled from BJU for publicly denouncing fundamentalism. Andrew is healing and working hard to spread awareness of religious abuse. His new podcast, "Surviving Bob Jones University: A Christian Cult" is exposing BJU's racist and abusive legacy. Andrew's story is of learning to honor your inner voice and follow your intuition, even when everything and everyone around you is telling you it's wrong. Andrew and I had a wonderful talk which I'll be sharing in two parts. This episode is focused on Andrew's experience of being raised in a Christian cult (IFB), the effect indoctrination had on his mental health, and his time at BJU up until the pandemic. The rest of his story will air next week.Andrew's Website: https://andrewpledger.mypixieset.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/4ndrewpledger/Links: https://andrewpledger.mypixieset.com/linksAndrew's Podcasts-Surviving Bob Jones University: A Christian Cult: https://open.spotify.com/show/6zpFerrBjOuNACq1oklIU6 Speaking Up: Surviving Religions and Cults: https://shows.acast.com/speaking-up-with-andrew-pledgerSubjects that came up in discussion-Family Research Council:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_Research_Councilhttps://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/extremist-files/group/family-research-councilInstitute in Basic Life Principles & Bill Gothard: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Institute_in_Basic_Life_Principleshttps://people.com/who-is-bill-gothard-the-institute-in-basic-life-principles-founder-7506014Umbrella of Authority:https://www.recoveringgrace.org/2014/05/umbrella-of-oppression/Focus on the Family: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Focus_on_the_FamilyGRACE Reports: https://www.netgrace.org/investigation-archiveThe Trevor Project - Crisis Hotline for LGBTQ+ youth:https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/Finding OK website: https://www.finding-ok.com/Become a Patreon member!https://www.patreon.com/HecateFindingOKSupport the Show: https://www.finding-ok.com/support/ Hecate's Links: https://linktr.ee/FindingOKLetters for the Fire: https://www.finding-ok.com/blog/letters-for-the-fire-season-5/Thank you so much for listening. BLM. Take care of yourself <3Support the show

Alice Cottonsox joins me to talk about recovering from childhood abuse, battling Agoraphobia, and facing online hate with humor. Alice is very open about her mental health struggles in her viral videos and she's helping many survivors feel less alone. Alice is being her own parent and raising herself, something that we sometimes have to do post-trauma when prolonged abuse as children has robbed us of the opportunity to grow up the way we deserved.  Alice's Website: https://www.cottonsox.co.uk/Alice's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland?lang=enAlice's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/alicecottonsox/Here are some of my favorites of her videos!Going Outside:https://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7197807235156757765?lang=enhttps://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7238978249345289498?lang=enhttps://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7237546556323384603?lang=enhttps://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7213016240347024645?lang=enTrauma Talk:https://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7217381847066479878?lang=enhttps://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7241885515643899163?lang=enhttps://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7191874000010743046?lang=enhttps://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7188860104647757061?lang=enAlice Being Awesomehttps://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7227840114544741659?lang=enhttps://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7194465830086774022?lang=enhttps://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7174066013716286725?lang=enhttps://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7155122264155884805?lang=enhttps://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7154382013007482118?lang=enHecate's Links: https://linktr.ee/FindingOKBecome a Patreon Member: https://www.patreon.com/HecateFindingOKLetters for the Fire: https://www.finding-ok.com/blog/letters-for-the-fire-season-5/Thank you so much for listening. BLM. Take care of yourself <3Support the show

Do you think of yourself as "broken" because of your trauma? What about "wounded"? My sister Chie and I discuss how the language we use to talk about our trauma intersects with our healing. This episode is an invitation to investigate the hidden meaning that some words might be holding for us. I used to think of myself as broken but gradually shifted away from that term as I healed because I realized that for me personally, it implied irreparable harm or uselessness. Chie has very different experience of the word and we share stories that might help you ask yourself some important questions. Chie  has a BA in Somatic Psychology. She is a harpist, Championship Irish Dancer, and singer. She and her partner live in the Midwest with their two puppies.Questions I encourage listeners to ask themselves at the end of the episode:1. What words do I use to talk about my pain or trauma?2. Do these words have any hidden implications that I might not have considered?3. How does my culture interact with broken things? 4. How did my family or the people who raised me interact with broken things when I was growing up?5.  How do my own experiences or medical history impact the way I think about the words, "broken" or "wounded"?6. Do the words I’m using to talk about my trauma keep me in an old thought pattern?7. Are the words I’m using to talk about my trauma healthy or useful to me? Do they need to change?8. What body system do I most relate to and why? Learn more about the history of Kintsugi and see a Master at work:https://traditionalkyoto.com/culture/kintsugi/https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9LMKGte0UUPodcast Websitehttps://www.finding-ok.com/Letters for the Fire is a listener participation project and an invitation for communal catharsis and healing. Listeners are invited to write a letter to their rapist or abuser and send it to me. At the end of the Season all the letters will be read and then burned in a special episode. Learn more about how to participate here: INSERT LINKHecate's Linkshttps://linktr.ee/FindingOKJoin the Patreon!https://www.patreon.com/HecateFindingOKDonate to Finding OKhttps://www.finding-ok.com/support/Thank you so much for listening! BLM. Take care of yourself <3Support the show