Episode 86: Baroness Lola Young on Identity & Mattering (when you’ve had a challenging past)

Operating from fear and scarcity means you’re not reading life accurately. The same is true if you’re moving through life guided solely by intellect – head wisdom – ignoring the superior wisdom of the other senses. My guest is spiritual teacher and NYT best-selling author, Sonia Choquette, who shares some practices from her new book, Read Life Accurately. She helps us to tune into our energetic alerts, within ourselves, others, and the places we work and live in. More and more scientific research supports what intuitive practitioners have known all along – that being connected to our bodily sensations, listening to those “nudges” can help us perform better in high-pressure environments, manage stress, and make less impulsive decisions.  Links Sonia Choquette’s website/books. Sonia on Instagram Mandy on Instagram Jessica Maguire’s blog on the nervous system (including reference to London traders research). Dene Logan post on Instagram about over-giving as a desire to be rescued.  

Is your measure of success focused purely on your own achievements? Maybe you’re at a time in your life when you’re questioning legacy, purpose, and who you are beneath your job title. Maybe you’re thinking about what it means to contribute and to matter in society. Baroness Lola Young was one of the first black women members of the House of Lords. She’s been an actress, an academic, and a cross-bench peer. She’s also an active campaigner against modern slavery and unethical fashion. Her new book, Eight Weeks, an account of being raised in foster care and children’s homes between the ages of eight weeks and 18 years. In this conversation I talk to Lola about the influence of her challenging past on her identity and choice of career. We probe into what it means to matter – I’m curious if mattering might be an antidote to the hyper-individualization, loneliness and disconnection so many people are feeling. What could “mattering” look like in your own life? Could being of service (more intentionally) help you to feel enough? Let’s find out. 00:00 Intro 4:47 Who is Lola Young? 6:08 Lola’s thoughts on identity – being black, female and “in care.” 7:45 Jerry Colonna’s big question, “To whom do I belong?” 8:21 How Lola’s early experiences shaped her identify and feelings of enoughness. 14:46 Description of her book, Eight Weeks: Looking Back, Moving Forwards, Defying the Odds. 18:45 The connection between enoughness and the hyper-individualistic society we live in. What is “mattering?” 20:40 Mattering and enoughness. 23:14 Her peers growing up were tuned into the public need and public service. 24:43 Did Lola’s challenging upbringing influence her choice of career? 28:39 Does Lola feel enough in this season of her life? 31:31 Lola’s Brick of Wisdom 32:43 Outro 34:04 Sonia Choquette is my next guest. LINKS Lola Young’s book Eight Weeks. Lola Young’s Wikipedia page. Dr Gordon Flett’s book on Mattering. Episode 85 on Kindness with Dr David Hamilton. Episode 77 with Jerry Colonna.  

You may have heard about the health benefits of being kind. Not only can it lower blood pressure, and boost immunity. It can also positively alter your relationship with yourself, which piqued my interest for those of us who’ve spent decades driving ourselves relentlessly. Is kindfulness a solution to feelings of not-enoughness?  Dr David Hamilton is a speaker, columnist, and author of twelve books, including his most recent, The Joy of Actually Giving a F*ck. He’s delivered kindness sessions for Google, Bank of England, the NHS, and many others.  In this episode, David and I discuss “kind genes”, how mindfulness doesn’t help everyone to be kinder, and rethinking what success can feel like. David also gives us a kindness challenge, which I’ve been taking. Hear some of the things I’ve been trying.  0:00 Intro 3:04 Definition of “kindfulness” 4:00 Does mindfulness work for everyone? 6:26 What mindfulness actually does. 7:18 Does it make you more self-critical? 11:02 David’s “Inner Buddha” technique 15:50 The fear that self-compassion means we lose motivation 17:12 Productivity, creativity and neural networks 20:35 What success “feels” like as you’re pursuing it 28:45 The Physical benefits of kindness 33:21 Research on kindness and self-esteem 35:04 “Writing as a technology of healing,” (to use Jessica Waite’s phrase from the previous episode) 41:29 David’s 7 days of kindness challenge 44:18 List of what Mandy tried 47:17 One of David’s ideas 50:19 David’s Brick of Wisdom 51:12 Outro Links: Dr David Hamilton (includes his new book). Episode 66 of Enough, the Podcast (on kindness).  Alexandra Franzen’s list of 50 ways to be ridiculously generous.  

Headphones recommended.  I’m in conversation with Jessica Waite, best-selling author of The Widow’s Guide to Dead Bastards. Sean, Jessica’s husband of 17 years, died unexpectedly, and after his funeral, when some of his personal effects were returned, she started piecing together parts of his secret life. In this conversation we talk about how you put your life back together after a romantic relationship ends. What if it’s complicated by grief, shock, and infidelity? Jessica talks about the importance of feeling her feelings – including questioning her enoughness, and an act of revenge. We discuss the use of writing as a technology of healing. You’ll also hear how she’s navigating being thrust onto the world stage with her vulnerable story, and how she’s grounding herself. Compelling, thought-provoking, and insightful. Join us! 3:44 How Jessica’s life unravelled after her husband’s unexpected death. 8:35 How did she make sense of his pornography addiction – and how that was different to the breach of trust in her marriage when she uncovered her husband’s affair. 13:42 “Emotional Spanx” – Emotions will bulge out somewhere; they cannot be cordoned off. 16:00 What is wholeness? 18:03 How Jessica practiced levity and compassion. How writing helped her to see herself as a character. 23:36 Writing as a technology of healing. 27:00 Some odd, paranormal situations start happening in Jessica’s life. 35:44 When starting to share vulnerable stories, it’s important who you share with. 36:01 The risk of sharing is real. Jessica’s story hits the British tabloids. 40:10 What Jessica is learning about who she is in this season of her life. 42:40 Grief as a dissolution of identity that leads to a reforming. 44:30 Strictly Come Dancing ex-dancer Janette Manrara talks about the pressures of public scrutiny 47:46 Jessica’s take on the arm-chair critics. 51:22 Brick of Wisdom 52:29 OUTRO – with a closing comment by Jessica Links Jessica Waite’s website Jessica Waite’s book. Jessica Waite on Instagram. Mark Silverman’s episode (he discusses “Morning Pages”). Rosie Nixon’s episode (where she talks about life-changing lists). Full episode of Janette Manrara from Strictly Come Dancing.  

Welcome to the first ever Coaching Corner episode of Enough, the Podcast. These conversations are shorter and focus on a particular challenge. I hope you find them practical and immediately actionable. Coaching Corner episodes will be interspersed between the usual ones, just to spice things up. This week, the work dilemma is around being interrupted – what can you do when that happens? My guest is fellow coach, Alina Addison, author of The Audacity Spectrum: Leading with Care, Courage and Non-Conformity. We offer up some ideas you can try in those challenging conversations.  1:15 Alina’s key question if you’re being talked over 3:22 Using a gesture – if you’re feeling audacious 3:50 The acknowledging tool 5:40 Self-awareness isn’t enough – the other lenses to pay attention to 8:26 Check your story 8:34 Recap of the tools and ideas so far 10:52 Alina’s Assertiveness Formula 16:09 Kate’s boss speaks over her – what could she do? 19:00 Implementing the Assertiveness Formula 21:30 Internal calculations – what’s your tolerance level for interruption 28:17 OUTRO Links: Alina Addison’s book: The Audacity Spectrum Alina on LinkedIn Alina on Instagram Mandy on LinkedIn Mandy on Instagram  

Have you ever wondered if people in the public eye feel bouts of not-enoughness? And if so, how they handle it?  Janette Manrara is a former pro dancer on Strictly Come Dancing, a television show watched by 12-18 million people each week. Janette now hosts the TV programme, It Takes Two, and recently published Tiny Dancer, Big World: How to find fulfilment from the inside out.  In this conversation, Janette and I discuss her unusual entry into professional dance (her “wiggly career”), her moments of not-enoughness resulting from the rejections along the way, and how she finally learned to relate to moments of imposter syndrome and self-doubt (because – spoiler alert – they never go away). There’s a secret insight from Janette in the Outro, so listen to the very end. (3:18) Mandy’s experience of ballroom dancing. (6:18) Self-love has been a quest for Janette. (7:31) Janette shares her career moments of not feeling enough. (14:11) LA is the most ruthless place on earth for rejection. (18:57) Janette’s first year on Strictly (20:56) Her inner critic and not feeling good enough or liked on the show. (23:26) What Janette would say to her younger self. (24:42) Lenny Kravitz also has bouts of not-enoughness. (25:28) Defensive pessimism and a recap of Janette’s points. (27:28) Imposter syndrome – Janette had no “specialty” (32:15) Adam Grant’s Overblown Implications Effect, and ‘what are you listening for?’ (34:38) Wiggly careers/skill stacking. 38:52 Emma Reid Turrell: 3 reasons your imposter syndrome might get activated. (40:20) How Janette handles moments of imposter syndrome. (44:16) Gratitude (it works, even if it sounds “old hat”). (47:08) The biggest takeaway Janette readers experience from her book. (49:00) Enoughness is a practice. Recap of Janette’s practices. (50:36) Janette’s Brick of Wisdom. (51:25) Outro and secret bonus insight from Janette on what dance is like for her. LINKS Janette Manrara’s book. Janette on Instagram. Mandy Lehto on Instagram. IG video of Lenny Kravitz discussing his moments of self-doubt. Poet Alix Klingenberg on IG. Episode 64 on Imposter Syndrome.  

In this conversation, Emma and I dig into what’s keeping us “bound”, overwhelmed, and feeling not-enough. We touch on the types of happiness (Emma’s been researching happiness for 20 years) and why a contemplative practice is the foundation of having a more life-affirming relationship with yourself. You’ll hear about how people get “committed to burnout,” and how to break out of what Emma calls the “Matrix” that’s keeping you stuck and exhausted. There’s also a cameo from Dr Anna Lembke, best-selling author of Dopamine Nation, and Stanford professor. Emma and I get into the programs that are running our behaviours and thoughts – including one scenario where a salesperson insulted me, and I opened my wallet, fully aware of what I was doing (and I did it anyway!). Emma, why do we do this? Emma’s practical, evidence-based suggestions give you a path back to freedom, energy and your power.  Links Emma Seppälä’s website (and books) Emma on Instagram Mandy on Instagram Sky breathing technique Anna Lembke’s book, Dopamine Nation  

How many Mondays do you have left? You’re about to find out. Coach and author, Jodi Wellman and I hang out with the Grim Reaper in today’s conversation. We start with a pre-mortem, a pulse check of where you are right now, while you’re still on this side of the lawn. What areas of your life are in the Dead Zone? What teeny tiny steps can you take right now to zhuzh up those parts that are ho-hum? You’ll rate yourself on Jodi’s Astonishingly Alive quadrant and discover if it’s more meaning or fun (or both) that will defibrillate your existence. Uplifting and thought-provoking.  Links Jodi Wellman’s website (includes book and QUIZ) Jodi Wellman on Instagram Mandy Lehto on Instagram Zizou and Roger Federer video Episode 62 of Enough, the Podcast We Croak app 3:11 Jodi and Mandy riff on why they think so much about death. 10:11 “Fine” is the most dangerous f-word. The three stooges of bore-out, and how our lives grow stale. 13:06 Only 16.6% of people Jodi polled would feel like they had lived fully if they died tonight. 16:48 Use the pre-mortem to diagnose the “dead zones.” 19:11 Jodi’s Astonishingly Alive framework 21:45 Are you Meaningfully Bored or Vitally Empty? 23:52 Jodi’s alive-alicious sentence stem to play with. 24:50 Start small – don’t go gangbusters! 32:13 Zizou & Roger Federer story. 35:08 The Astonishingly Alive Zone (do we have to live here? Sounds exhausting). 38:38 Sometimes we don’t take action on a dream because it’s safer to keep it pristine… 43:03 Calculate how many Mondays you have left & Brick of Wisdom  

As a high achiever, you’ve probably spent your career optimising for productivity, efficiency, and the bottom line. But there comes a time when that old winning formula no longer cuts it. Maybe you’ve been promoted, or you’re leading a bigger team. Maybe you’ve been told to bring more energy, charisma, and presence to your leadership so that others want to follow you. Research shows that bringing play, fun, and creativity to work can help to retain colleagues, and inspire more innovative ideas. Before you freeze and say, I’m the most un-fun person I know (shriek emoji), stay with me. I promise, there’s no juggling or stand-up comedy required. Today’s guests are going to teach you how (and WHY) to bring more energy and fun to your leadership. Richard Medcalf is an author and coach who heads CEO circles with fun and a lightness of touch. Consultant clinical neuropsychologist, Dr Antonia Kirkby explains our brains on play, and why you want to be optimising for connection in meetings. The episode is full of ideas you can try right away. Richard Medcalf Dr Antonia Kirkby on LinkedIn Video of the Restaurant of Mistaken Orders. Forbes article, “Elevating Leadership Through the Science of Fun.” Forbes article, “The Forgotten Art of Having Fun.” HBR article, “Leading with Humour.”  

Today's guest is Jen Mann, ex-ballet dancer and co-author of the international best-seller, The Secret Language of the Body. In this conversation we discuss how Jen’s early life contributed to the perfectionism, people-pleasing and self-criticism that would ultimately end in chronic illness that traditional medicine was unable to solve. Frustrated and anxious, Jen started connecting the dots between the mind-body cross-over with the clients she was supporting after her ballet career ended. She pieced together insights on how to heal herself by increasing her vagal tone and somatic experiencing, alongside talk therapy and physio. She shares 3 key tips for longer-term healing, as well as 5 practical things you can do right away to decrease your perception of stress during days of back-to-back meetings. 3:52 My childhood was a perfect set up for anxiety 9:21 Jen becomes a professional ballet dancer 13:31 What came after Jen’s ballet career  14:50 Jen spots connections between her clients’ work stress and their physical pain 16:00 The symptoms she was seeing in her clients – and how her own chronic illness symptoms started 20:50 Unresolved feelings of not-enoughness and emotional repression cause illness 25:40 Jen’s body said “Enough!” 28:42 Window of Tolerance 35:17 Conventional medicine didn’t work for Jen, and what she discovered instead 39:57 Vagal tone 44:39 Three tips for longer-term change 51:15 Five strategies you can use at work to soothe your nervous system during hectic days 1:03 Jen’s Brick of Wisdom Links: Jen Mann and Karden Rabin’s website (with book and program) Jen Mann on Instagram Mandy Lehto on Instagram Episode 55 with Tatiana Poliakova