374: Gloat Therapy: What to Do with a Defiant Child

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 01:20 Q1: Single mom asks for advice on dealing with her out of control son 13:30 Cognitive dissonance in a mom 20:55 Personality does not deteriorate 35:35 Gloat Therapy 46:00 Limitations of Positive/Negative Reinforcement 57:45 Final thoughts Q1: What is your advice to a single mom of a 15 year old teen male that is out of control and no consequences are changing his behavior? He says he hates his mother, wants to go to foster care, has a lot of anger. His father is not in the picture and has not been for 10+ years. He is refusing to go to school, repeatedly running away, is definitely vaping and using marijuana, uncertain about harder drugs, his speech is odd, using slang and talking in a way he has never spoken before. He has been arrested and is pending a hearing however any suggestions as to the best way to handle this?  I fear once in the juvenile justice system he will become even more hardened.  Are there any approaches that can increase the odds of helping him out of this?  To add, until recently I haven't done the best job of consistently following through on consequences when he is disrespectful to me, doesn't do school work, or acts out of control.   Is he just pushing back harder now because I've never stuck to my guns before? X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 02:07 The Year of Dr. Lisle's Book 3:13 New Personality Trait? Tendency for Victimhood https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2020.110134 30:30 Disagreeable with a few moving parts 41:28 Q1: Past traumatic relationship – how to start dating again? 1:05:20 Final thoughts Q1: How do I regain my self confidence after narcissistic abuse? I had an extremely emotionally abusive partner who would constantly call me fat even though I wasn't (I was 5'4 120 pounds). He would force me to weigh myself before every time we had sex and if I was above a certain weight, he would insult me and refuse sex. I developed an eating disorder because of this and got down to 90 pounds. Even when I was pregnant with our baby, he constantly called me a disgusting fat cow even though it was his child I was carrying. Now that I'm free of him I have regained some weight, and am a healthier 110 pounds. The problem is, I'm so traumatized by men and relationships that I am afraid to date. My confidence is lower than it ever was, even though, ironically I used to model when I was younger and have always been told I was beautiful, he ruined that. I'm 40 years old and I don't want to be single forever. What should I do?   X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast  

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 01:45 Q1: Dating broke, unmotivated men in my 70's 13:40 Q2: Reparations: Trade, Force, or Fraud? 28:10 Q3: Daughter likes Bad Boys, but Mom and Dad want her to date the Dull Nice Guys 38:23 Q4: Searching for Spark After Lifelong Apathy 49:00 Final thoughts Q1:  How does a woman in her early 70s, who is neither broke nor retired and also engaged in several creative projects,  feel good about dating a similar-aged man (both single of course), who is broke, retired, and has no outside interests other than her? I realize that many  people at this stage are on SS# but when I was growing up, the man paid for dinner, etc. I can't help but not be attracted to a man who asks me to split or pay the whole bill. On the same hand I would feel bad even letting him pay if he were to try (which he hasn't) as i know he doesnt have it.  I know this comes off as "entitled" but the  question still remains, how does an older widowed or divorced woman, used to a man being a man (gallant )navigate the reality of older broke couch potatoes which seems to be all that is left in the older male dating pool? (I know this sounds terrible but I do lose respect for men who seem to be looking for a free ride and a recreation director). Q2:  In Episode 319 Dr Lisle talks about the various way animals go about getting resources: with their own hands, trade, force or fraud. I live in a country which had an indigenous people here before the Europeans arrived and settled here over 200 years ago. Many reparations have been made to the descendants of the original indigenous people in the form of land and money, but there is an ongoing, building movement to acquire more reparations and more acknowlegement for colonisation. It seems as if there is no way for the people of today to ever repay the 'wrongs' of the past. I'm trying to work out which way of getting resources this is. Is it in the end, just fraud? Q3:  One of our daughters is 30 years old. My wife and I suspect she typically falls for bad guys: self-assured, sometimes a little bit dominant and narcissistic. She has great fun with them for a while. Then their bad behavior such as aggression shows up. Since two years, she has a nice boyfriend: not dominant, very considerate, and with a lot of matches: like her he likes traveling, listening to music, having deep discussions. However, she doubts the relationship, mainly because being at home with him is considered 'dull' by her. She sometimes would like him to be more dominant and decisive. He seems not so self-assured and she claims this makes her less self-assured too. She would like to have children and thinks he would make a great father, but she really finds their relationship dull and feels not a lot of physical attraction anymore. How would Dr. Lisle decide whether he would advise her to lower her expectations (he has a lot of plusses) of whether he would advise her to break up with him? What information or criteria would make him giving advice in one or the other direction? Q4: Dear Dr. Lisle,  I feel like I'm finding it really hard to be motivated by anything in life, including relationships, career/success, helping others, food, resources, etc.  When analyzing my past, I feel like I've always been this way - very unmotivated and non-competitive. However, the one thing that motivated me when I was young was the fear of getting in trouble or people being upset with me.   Now that I'm a middle aged adult, I care a lot less about people being upset with me and so I'm just trudging through life and feeling pretty flat.  The only thing I can think of is that I have a pretty nihilistic point of view. I remember the first time I really contemplated death on a deep level (I was around 7) and since then I feel like I've always been followed by a voice that says "what's the point of wasting energy, you and everyone you know will all be dead soon."  I want to desire things and live life to the fullest, but I feel like my motivation and happy chemicals are somehow offline.  Just to give some additional context - I am a pretty emotionally sensitive woman and when I do get sparks of motivation or awe, it feels really good - it just doesn't happen very often.  I can't tell if there's something chemically wrong with me or if I've just developed a really negative outlook on life because of this one instance when I was 7.  Any insights or hacks would be appreciated.  (Also thanks for all that you do. I've really appreciated your thoughts over the years) X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast  

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 02:42 Q1:  Listener struggles with finding meaning and motivation after embracing an evolutionary-psychology worldview that feels deterministic and uncomfortable. 7:03 The start of psychotherapy 17:00 Life problems are competitive 33:10 You're not better off not knowing about human nature 49:07 Everybody knows the truth, deep down 1:05:04 Final thoughts Q1: This podcast has ruined my life. Well, not exactly, but it certainly hasn't helped. Yet, like passing a car crash, I cannot look away. My desire to understand the true nature of our existence seems to supersede the delusions that I might otherwise be comfortable with. With each episode comes a new insight that I previously wouldn't have had swimming around in my head, but I'm still enamored with the biological and philosophical implications of Dr. Lisle's approach to our evolution. But because these ideas are uncomfortable, they tend to put me in a place socially, and even in my own head, that isn't exactly producing satisfaction. I have always been afflicted with the idea that, much like buying into a religion, accepting the fantasies that we humans have constructed to deal with these hard truths would lead to a happier existence. Yet, I can not unknow or unthink these things. If I never had listened to this podcast, I might consider therapy, or medication management for my angst, and maybe they would have helped me a certain percentage, but now I am fully on board with Dr. Lisle's approach and know deep down his are the only real answers to life's modern problems. Even though there's still a small part of me that questions how immutable his advice seems, I can not steer myself into a satisfactory mindset. Unfortunately, all of this has caused me to devolve into somewhat of a determinist, referencing Dr. Lisle in life's modern struggles when one of these so-called, maladaptive behaviors (e.g. irritability, anxiety, hyper-vigilance, lack of satisfaction no matter how good life seems to be, etc.) arises leading me to simply ask myself, "why bother taking action if this is how I'm wired." So my question is, how can I find purpose and meaning while still maintaining intellectual honesty in this complicated world when manipulating my environment and the people around me isn't exactly the most practical thing to accomplish? X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast      

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 01:51 Q1:  Are men destined to hold more power in relationships due to women being the higher investment party? 09:23 What are relationships? 18:08 Are women the only ones who need affirmation & esteem signals? 34:30  What do we need in a relationship? 46:32 The only hope for a dying relationship Q1: Are men destined to hold more power in relationships, aka in a position of power, because women are always the higher investment party? In my experience with a few long-term relationships, the men stopped caring for and investing in my emotional well-being after the initial phase of chasing and courting. They're nice, hardworking, and sincere, but I no longer receive the esteem signals and affirmation that women often need, especially after having kids, since they know I'm not going anywhere. Am I asking for too much? Should I just be happy knowing he's a good provider of resources?   X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast      

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 02:25 Q1:  When Neuroticism Sees the Breakup Coming Before He Does 11:25 Small Adjustments vs Sudden shifts 20:30 Analyzing key parameters 36:20 Q2: Pair Bonding: Nature's Anti-Chippy Software Update 45:15 Final thoughts Q1: I am a female scoring high on the vulnerability dimension of neuroticism on the Big 5 assessment. I have always left partners first when I felt any kind of instability in the relationship or felt they weren't completely into me. I married my husband who had been my friend for years and knew he was stable and completely into me, this was comforting and we have been married for 13 years. Just knowing that men naturally value women who are fertile scares me when thinking about our future together when I am 45 and up (I am currently 35)- he scores very low in openness and expresses his contentment for our relationship, seems to value me, but I am also going to be legally blind in older age. However, I'm setting myself up to be able to continue earning an income and I am involved in social activities and hobbies on my own. I find myself wanting to leave and establish my own apartment when my younger daughter is a teenager, just so I can avoid any future problems in my relationship with him. It's like with evo psych I can see the future that he will not value me and I just don't want to ever experience that (thanks, neuroticism :( ) I would appreciate any insight and advice about this! If I bring this up to my husband he just says "what a narrow view of the world you have". Q2: I don't understand wife, wife, wife, chippy from an evolutionary psychology standpoint. If everything comes down to reproduction and pair bonding didn't exist in the stone age, wouldn't it just be chippy, chippy, chippy, chippy? Didn't the chiefs and best hunters just sleep with as many females as they chose? I know that traditionally men had harems, slaves, concubines and multiple wives, with the men sleeping with multiple females at the same time without commitment. What changed to create the wife relationship or pair bonding in the first place? X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast   Become Binge Free Course by Justina Froese https://justinafroese.com/become-binge-free/ Participants will have long-term access. It includes 100+ lectures, a community, social eating solutions, over 10+ hours of video content, recipes, and more—literally everything about recovering from binge eating. It's like a binge eating library that will be updated whenever there's something new and valuable to share. 

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 04:03 Q1:  Married for 20 years but never loved him 21:10 Using the written word to express yourself 40:55 Q2: Can the "least attractive" still find sexual satisfaction and happiness?  1:03:25 Final thoughts Q1: I have been married to my husband for 20 years, we are both 45 now. He is a wonderful person, gentle, caring, sweet, intelligent, and an amazing father to our three small children, who all love him deeply. We have been through so much together and he helped make my dreams come true. I have great respect for him as a person and a deep seated gratitude for what he has done for me and my family, but I never loved him as a wife should love a husband, I've never been physically or sexually attracted to him. At this point in my life, I feel like I want to be with someone who I am physically attracted to. I want to experience the great romance that I never did in my youth. I know you will say leave him and find it, but you see, Dr. Lisle, it's not so simple. He loves us greatly, and If I leave, it would crush him. I just can't do that to him or the children, who are so very attached to him. If I leave, the guilt will eat away at me and I will be very unhappy, because I do love him in a way, for everything that he's done for me. But don't I deserve to at least try to go out and find my great romance? The more I think about it, the more it seems that I won't be happy either way. What should I do? Q2: Can the woman who is objectively a 4 on the attractiveness scale really be happy and sexually satisfied with a man who is a 2 or 3? Or is she just with him because she knows she can't do any better? Is she actually attracted to that man? I know I would never find a man who is a 3 attractive. I would much rather stay single for life than be with a man I am not 100% attracted to. Can less attractive people truly be happy in their pair bond relationship? X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast   Become Binge Free Course by Justina Froese https://justinafroese.com/become-binge-free/ Participants will have long-term access. It includes 100+ lectures, a community, social eating solutions, over 10+ hours of video content, recipes, and more—literally everything about recovering from binge eating. It's like a binge eating library that will be updated whenever there's something new and valuable to share.       

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 01:08 Q1:  Emotional Affairs – Is there such a thing? Is this a modern phenomenon? 16:20 Human Love instincts 24:10 A modern day problem 46:46 Can you prevent an emotional affair? 1:02:45 Final thoughts  Q1: Does Dr. Lisle believe in such a thing as an emotional affair? For instance, if someone in a committed relationship has a friend, coworker, or other acquaintance that they are attracted to and even fantasize about, how do you know where the line is and what is normal "boredom" as opposed to a real problem? Do you think that people who find themselves having feelings of emotional infidelity should disclose those details to their spouse if it doesn't become physical? I realize that this is a vague question and any answer might come down to personal ethics. However, I would like to know if Dr. Lisle has any thoughts on this topic based on counseling people who have been in these types of situations. X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast   Become Binge Free Course by Justina Froese https://justinafroese.com/become-binge-free/ Participants will have long-term access. It includes 100+ lectures, a community, social eating solutions, over 10+ hours of video content, recipes, and more—literally everything about recovering from binge eating. It's like a binge eating library that will be updated whenever there's something new and valuable to share. 

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 01:40 Q1:  My friend went missing 17 years. How can I get closure? 14:14 Getting familiar with different causes of death 33:23 Trying to find out what you're worried about 51:30 Final thoughts Q1: My question is about closing an open loop when it is impossible to get closure and all the information. A good friend of mine went missing 17 years ago. Police did an investigation but never found out what happened to him. He seemingly vanished into thin air. The investigation has been dead for 17 years with no new leads so it's likely we'll never know what happened to him. I still have an open loop regarding his disappearance and I regularly think about what might've happened to him. How can I close the loop and move on if it's impossible to get all the information? Will this haunt me for the rest of my life? I'm not holding out hope that he's alive, he's likely dead, but I want closure and I'll probably never get it. What can I do? X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast  

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 02:56 Q1: Do we call people lazy to excuse ourselves or to change them? 12:42 Q2:If goals bring esteem, why so much burnout? 28:20 Who gets burned out most often? 44:44 Evolution of Self esteem 1:10:20 Final thoughts Q1: Is the attribution of 'laziness' to others a form of self-deception by people high in conscientiousness to justify lowering our empathy to others? After all no one chooses their personality, some people are naturally less conscientious than others.  Or, does our nervous system get irritated so that we signal our anger to lazy people so they change their CBA of their behaviour? Q2: I have a question about self-esteem and building long-term happiness through the meaningful pursuit of achievable goals, which I've heard Doug discuss, and how it relates to burnout/feeling overwhelmed and therefore unhappy with life in the modern world.    If this really is the "formula" for happiness, why do so many people today end up burnt out or overextended in their pursuit of achievement, constantly striving for more?   In Europe, where I live, there's a stronger cultural focus on slow living and enjoying simple pleasures, with less emphasis on wealth and material success. People here seem happier in general. Are they just pursuing more "realistic" goals? That are perhaps unrelated to building wealth?  In the U.S., why does goal achievement so often seem to come with unhappiness, burnout, and exhaustion?  If it is true that the only way to truly have self esteem is the meaningful pursuit of achievable goals, can you be happy if you ate NOT intentionally trying to better yourself or make yourself more competitive?   X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast