Fresh Take: Leah Ruppanner on "DRAINED" and What the 'Mental Load' Really Means

How do you get kids to help out—ever, at all—without default resistance that makes it feel like it's not worth the trouble of your having asked? Kids *should* contribute to their families' lives without their parents resorting to nagging or threats. Kids in other cultures, we are told, participate willingly and fully. Why does this seem so hard for so many of us? We discuss: Whether "chores" framing is part of the problem How gender roles shape the expectations of who's helping Whether they have to like participating for it to matter Why we seem to find this harder than our parents did Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode: Susan Newman for Psychology Today: Raising Baby Hunter-Gatherer Style Jennifer Katzenstein for Johns Hopkins Medicine Wellness and Prevention blog: How to Get Your Kids to Do Chores Reem Raouda for CNBC Make It: I’ve studied over 200 kids—parents who have an easy time getting their children to listen never use these 5 ‘toxic’ phrases Amy Sutherland for the NYT: What Shamu Taught Me About a Healthy Marriage Frank Bruni for the NYT: Tolstoy and Miss Daisy Deborah Gilboa: GET THE BEHAVIOR YOU WANT...WITHOUT BEING THE PARENT YOU HATE! Our Fresh Take with Michaeleen Doucleff, author of HUNT, GATHER, PARENT Subscribe to our newsletter here! What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This Deep Dive series revisits some of our past episodes about the joys and the challenges that come with raising kids with differences and disabilities. What if we're looking at autism in the wrong way? Dr. Lynn Koegel, co-author of ⁠Hidden Brilliance: Unlocking the Intelligence of Autism⁠, explains how to engage with the strengths in kids with autism rather than focusing on what they're lacking. ⁠Dr. Lynn Koegel⁠ is a clinical professor at the Stanford School of Medicine. She and her husband developed Pivotal Response Treatment which focuses on motivation. She has been supporting autistic individuals for more than 40 years. Dr. Koegel and Margaret discuss: Why we're focusing on the wrong things when we assess kids with autism The power of peer support Connecting authentically with kids with autism Dr. Koegel explains that professionals are often trained to look at what's "wrong" with children with autism rather than what's right. It helps to look at the differences in children with autism, as Margaret likes to say, as morally neutral. Here's where you can find Lynn: ⁠autismPRThelp.com⁠ ⁠@lynn.koegel on Facebook⁠ ⁠hidden-brilliance.org⁠ What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Are women really better at all the things we do? Or are we just used to doing more? Amy talks with sociologist and author Leah Ruppanner, author of the new book DRAINED, about her definition of the "mental load" and why so many women feel constantly overwhelmed. Leah defines the mental load as much more than keeping track of tasks. It’s deeply emotional work tied to caring for others, anticipating needs, and managing relationships. In this interview Leah breaks down the different types of mental load, from organizing daily life to providing emotional support, maintaining relationships, creating special moments for families, and supporting everyone else’s goals. While many partners contribute in visible ways, much of this broader, invisible work still falls to women. Leah also shares a practical framework for evaluating your mental load: understanding where your energy is going, who you’re carrying, and what you can delegate, drop, or rebalance. When reducing the load isn’t possible, rest and recovery become essential. Think of yourself as the family MVP. This episode is a reminder that the mental load is real, complex, and worth examining—and that making it visible is the first step toward meaningful change. Here's where you can find Leah: @prof.leahruppanner on Instagram, TikTok The Miss Perceived Podcast https://www.leahruppanner.com Buy DRAINED: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9780593850909 What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What is emotional intelligence, exactly? Is it the yin to IQ's yang? Is it equally crucial to our success and well-being? In this episode we talk about what EQ (or EI, depending on who you're asking) actually means, why it matters, and whether it can be taught to both adults and kids. We discuss: The four core components of emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship skills (plus what's been taken off the list) Why emotional intelligence is morally neutral Why neurodivergent kids may experience emotional intelligence differently Practical ways to help kids build emotional intelligence Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode: Suzanne Ross for The Explainer: What is emotional intelligence and why do you need it? Crystal Ott for Ohio University Extension: What is Emotional Intelligence? Daniel Goleman on LinkedIn: The Four Domains of Emotional Intelligence Adam Grant for Medium: The Dark Side of Emotional Intelligence Peg Rosen for Understood.org: Emotional intelligence: What it means for kids Brigham Young University: Study visually captures hard truth: Walking home at night is not the same for women University of Cambridge Judge Business School: The psychologist who reminds us that emotions affect our working lives Find all of our guests' books, as well as books we personally recommend: https://bookshop.org/shop/whatfreshhellcast What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This Deep Dive series revisits some of our past episodes about the joys and the challenges that come with raising kids with differences and disabilities. Kate Swenson writes and creates videos about her life as a mother of four and and an autism advocate for ⁠"Finding Cooper's Voice⁠," a living, thriving community of people who not only advocate for autism, but also make the world a better place for individuals with disabilities and their families. We discuss Kate's book ⁠Forever Boy: A Mother's Memoir of Autism and Finding Joy⁠ and her nonprofit ⁠The More Than Project, ⁠which supports the needs of special needs families that go beyond the needs of their special needs child. Kate tells us about: Kate's journey to finding the correct diagnosis for her child what led her to put her story out into the world the sometimes-loneliness of special needs parenting, and how the Finding Cooper's Voice community offers insight, support, and fellowship Get FOREVER BOY in our Bookshop store: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9780778311997 and follow @findingcoopersvoice on Facebook and Instagram. What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What happens when childhood becomes content? Journalist Fortesa Latifi, author of the new book LIKE, FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE, discusses the rise of influencer families and the growing world of kid influencers. We explore how parenting content has evolved from "mommy blogs" to today’s visual and monetized social media landscape, where children are often at the center of viral content. Fortesa explains why family vlogging is so compelling, and the powerful parasocial relationships audiences form with influencer families. She also breaks down the ethical gray areas of sharing kids online, including issues of privacy, consent, and the long-term digital footprint created for children who cannot fully understand or agree to their online presence. Fortesa discusses the role of viewers in driving demand for this content and the emerging legal efforts to regulate earnings and protect influencer kids. She offers a nuanced look at family vlogging, encouraging parents and audiences alike to think more critically about what it means to share children’s lives online. Here's where you can find Fortesa: https://www.fortesalatifi.com @hifortesa on socials Buy LIKE, FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9781668080504 What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What are the parenting milestones no one tells you about—but that completely change your daily life? We asked our listeners about the little wins of parenting that make a huge difference in reducing the day-to-day chaos, from kids pouring their own cereal to finally being able to leave them home alone. Listen to our interview with Christina Martin here Subscribe to our YouTube channel! What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This Deep Dive series is about embracing the joys and acknowledging the challenges that come with raising kids with differences and disabilities. How do we celebrate and encourage kids with disabilities and differences, without letting our fears and preconceptions dictate what we think they can do? How do parents of kids with less understanding of differences and disabilities allow for children's natural curiosity? Meg Zucker, author of the book ⁠Born Extraordinary: Empowering Children with Differences & Disabilities⁠, was born with a genetic condition called ectrodactyly. She is also the mother of three children, two of whom share this difference. Meg is also the founder and president of Don’t Hide It, Flaunt It, a non-profit with the mission of advancing understanding, tolerance, and mutual respect for people's differences. In this episode Meg and Amy discuss: "Disability" versus "difference," and how people choose the words that feel right for them How Meg's experience growing up different made her parenting kids with differences a little easier—though maybe not as much as someone outside that experience might expect the well-meaning "thrusting of help" that we might reconsider Here's where you can find Meg: @MegZucker @Justflauntit_ Buy Meg's book: ⁠https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9780593419380⁠ What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

As kids prepare to leave home for college, we tend to wonder: have we taught them everything they need to know? Christina Geist—author of Before You Fly Away: Life Lessons from Home—shares how this transition can feel like a “parental report card.” Christina's late-night reflections and “mini panic moments" as her child prepared to leave for college became a collection of concise life lessons meant to guide her child toward independence. But the process also turned out to provide a way for Christina to process her own fears and hopes. Parents often harbor fear that things won’t go perfectly once kids leave home. Christina acknowledges that college—and life—will include mistakes, loneliness, and challenges. But those “blind spots” are actually essential. Growth happens when kids figure things out on their own, whether it’s resolving roommate conflicts or navigating new responsibilities. As Christina puts it: “Figure it out. You’re 100% capable.” Here's where you can find Christina: www.christinageist.com Buy BEFORE YOU FLY AWAY: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9798881612023 What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Why do we cling to what’s familiar—even when it’s not working? In this episode we explore why humans are wired to avoid uncertainty, and how that shapes our decisions and our parenting. We discuss the Ellsberg Paradox, which explains why we often choose “the devil we know” over potentially better—but unknown—options. Whether it’s staying in a situation that no longer serves us, avoiding difficult conversations, or overthinking every possible outcome, our brains are constantly trying to reduce uncertainty—even at a cost. We discuss how the brain’s fear center (the amygdala) reacts more strongly to ambiguity than to actual risk, triggering stress responses like anxiety, overthinking, and catastrophizing. This helps explain why uncertainty can feel so overwhelming—even when nothing is actually wrong. We discuss Dr. Rue Wilson's notion of “toxic time travel" and how our search for reassurance pulls us out of the present into either mentally replaying the past or imagining worst-case futures, keeping us stuck in cycles of worry. We also explore how this shows up in parenting. Kids who resist new situations, struggle with transitions, or seem overly anxious may not be reacting to real danger—but to uncertainty itself. Understanding this can help us respond with more empathy and curiosity rather than frustration. Finally, we share practical strategies for managing uncertainty—for ourselves and our kids: Separating real risk from fear of the unknown Using curiosity instead of rumination Reality-checking anxious thoughts Focusing on what’s within our control Grounding ourselves in the present moment Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode: ambiguity aversion Tara Cousineau for Harvard Graduate School of Arts and Sciences: Coping with Uncertainty Lauren Arcuri for the American Physiological Society: The Brain's Response to Uncertainty and Ambiguity Gretchen Rubin: How to Make Tough Decisions: Choose the Bigger Life Dorie Clark on Instagram: Your Brain Is Lying to You About Risk What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices