102. Is Porn Really That Bad?

Many sex addicts are not in good recovery. But it’s not always their fault.  A “deficit” is when something critical is missing. In terms of sex addiction, a deficit describes a critical element of recovery that is lacking or underdeveloped. The result is a guy who is unable to fully embody the behavior required to recover. This is extremely common in sex and porn addiction, as most men who develop these unwanted behaviors typically lack emotional attunement, integrity, empathy, and many other human skills that were not correctly modeled to them as children. These guys are trying to recover… but may look like they aren’t trying. This is because they intellectually understand what is required, but are unable to do it in real life. In this episode, I’m joined by Chris Jones out of the UK. Chris has been on my podcast before and is one of my favorite guests. He and I share a similar outlook when it comes to sex addiction recovery. For those of you who are interested in working with Chris, you can find him here: https://chrisjonestherapy.co.uk/ If you are a high achiever, business owner, or professional, and you resonated with this episode, visit my website. I run sex addiction recovery groups for successful men using weekly zoom calls, daily accountability, and bi-annual intensives. Visit my website here: successfuladdict.com

You need a stance on pornography. Is it okay or is it not ok? If you don’t have a stance, you’ll likely relapse. Sex addiction and porn addiction recovery plans need to be crystal clear. And, they can't be clear if you haven’t yet decided if you really want to stop. Now, I know you want to stop (otherwise you wouldn’t be listening to this podcast). But, do you want to stop for you? Or is it because of your faith or your wife? I believe that recovery is only possible if done for you and the betterment of your life. In this episode, I list off some things to consider that will help you solidify your stance against pornography. If you want more resources to help you in recovery, buy my book on Amazon here: https://a.co/d/0jhqrMzp

It’s easy to get stuck in the betrayal healing process. It’s hard, confusing, emotional, and ever-changing. While recovering from sex addiction can have its own challenges, relational recovery can often be much more challenging. Yes, it takes time. But there’s also a lot you can do to screw it up and make it take longer. In this episode, I’m joined by Hope Ray, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. She hosts 3-day couples intensives specializing in working with those healing from sexual betrayal.  Hope and I talk about the struggles that couples encounter in recovery after they make it past the crisis stage. Long-term healing looks different than the first 6-months. You will need to practice a different skill set if you want to restore trust and safety. If you and your wife are interested in working with Hope Ray, you can find her website here:https://www.hoperay.com/ On her website, you can also find her private podcast for betrayed partners. For those of you interested in attending one of my intensives, I still have room for a few more men this summer and in the fall. Visit my website to fill out an application: successfuladdict.com

It’s unfortunate how many guys don’t know what a good sex addiction recovery plan looks like. Their long-term sobriety and the health of their marriage are threatened as a result. In this episode, I review how to build a sex addiction recovery plan and what it needs to look like if you want it to be effective. I also discuss what betrayed partners want to see from you before they can trust you again. Recovery doesn’t have to be hard, but you do need a plan that has been psychologically proven to be effective. From there, you need to inform your recovery group so that they can keep you accountable. Recovering from sex and porn addiction is a long road. You’ll need other men to keep you accountable if you’re going to stay in this long enough to make a full recovery. I have 2 chapters in my book that will help you create a recovery plan. You can find my book here on Amazon: https://a.co/d/006Ka8Tr If you’re a high-achieving guy looking for a recovery group full of like-minded men, take a look at my website. You cannot recover without deep connections with men whom you relate to and admire. You’ll find plenty of them in my groups. Visit successfuladdict.com

“Check-Ins” are a common thing after sexual betrayal and infidelity. They are intended to rebuild safety and trust. But they can also result in arguments and disconnection. In this episode, I am joined by Dr. Jill Manning. She and I talk about how check-ins can be helpful and how to prevent them from being unhelpful. Betrayed partners often worry that they are not getting the full truth. After being lied to for so long, their brain has a hard time trusting that they know everything their partner is doing. A great way to soothe some of the anxiety is through performing a daily check-in. However, when done incorrectly, these check-ins can end up in conflict, disagreements, and disconnection. Not a great way to end your day (especially if you have to do it again tomorrow!). In this episode, we help recovering sex addicts perform a productive check-in that results in restoring safety and trust for the betrayed partner. If you want to explore working with Dr. Manning, you can visit her website here: https://drjillmanning.com/ If you are a high-achiever seeking a recovery group full of like-minded men, head over to my website. It can be difficult to find guys to connect with in recovery, even more so if you are in the top 2%. This is unfortunate, as connection is EVERYTHING when it comes to recovery. If you are a business owner, professional, executive, or entrepreneur, I have built recovery groups full of men like you. Fill out an application here: successfuladdict.com

Ever notice how some parts of your sex addiction just stop, and others seem to stay on your mind? Some might be addictive, others might be sexually compulsive. Some of them may just come down to an integrity issue. This matters. Why? Because if you’re trying to avoid relapse, you need to make sure that treatment is actually going to solve the issue. Because sex addiction is a process addiction, you can’t recover unless you know what you’re recovering from. In this episode, I break down the difference between addictive and compulsive sexual behavior. Why sex and porn addiction treatments may not work for some men and what they will need to do instead. I dive much deeper into this concept in my book, “The High Achiever's Guide to Sex Addiction Recovery: A Proven Blueprint for Successful Professionals to Overcome Sex and Porn Addiction.” For those of you wanting to dive further into the specifics of your own process addiction, visit my website and fill out an application. We can jump on a phone call to discuss how my recovery groups may be what you’re looking for: www.successfuladdict.com

Narcissism is a word you’ll hear quite a bit these days. And, it’s often brought up around men struggling with a sex addiction and chronic cheating. But there’s a difference between narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and narcissistic traits. Betrayed partners are often concerned that their husbands might be narcissists. This episode will clear this up. Dr. Alexandra Repke is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and has her PhD in Counseling Psychology. The treatment of narcissistic personality disorder is a specialty of hers. In this episode, Dr. Repke explains NPD. We also discuss what is required to overcome narcissistic traits. You can reach Dr. Repke here: https://www.repkepsychologicalservices.com/ If you are a professional, executive, or entrepreneur looking for a group of men to recover with, visit my website here: successfuladdict.com

There’s a difference between sobriety and recovery when it comes to sex addiction. A big difference. You’ve probably seen the stats that relapse is common. My belief is that this is because most men are in good sobriety… not recovery. Sobriety is about stopping the behaviors from happening. Recovery is about preventing them from happening in the future. In this episode, I outline the difference between a sobriety plan and a recovery plan. I provide details and examples that will help you create your own recovery plan. Sobriety is important. But, recovery is what you need if your hope is to prevent relapse and further damage to your marriage. High-performing men typically have a very different sex addiction when compared to the general population. For this reason, their recovery plan will also look quite different. If you’re a business professional, executive, owner, investor, or entrepreneur, you may find my book helpful. “The High Achiever's Guide to Sex Addiction Recovery: A Proven Blueprint for Successful Professionals to Overcome Sex and Porn Addiction” You can find the book here on Amazon: https://a.co/d/4jE4JnX

Tammy Gustafson has a wealth of knowledge when it comes to betrayal trauma and healing marriages after infidelity. She just released her new book, Broken to Brave. You can find it here on Amazon: https://a.co/d/aQqYtaV In this episode, Tammy walks us through the phases of sexual betrayal healing and what is required in each step. Sex and porn addiction impact betrayed partners in a very deep way. Learning to navigate the relational healing process is critical if you’re trying to save the marriage. Healing will require empathy, managing her triggers, and communicating in a way that allows you two to connect in hard times. Tammy and I talk about all of this in the podcast. If you’re a high achiever, executive, or entrepreneur looking for a group of like-minded men to connect with in recovery. Visit my website: successfuladdict.com If you have yet to read my book, you can find it on Amazon, and the audiobook on Audible. “The High Achiever's Guide to Sex Addiction Recovery: A Proven Blueprint for Successful Professionals to Overcome Sex and Porn Addiction” (audiobook is narrated by me, Roland Cochrun)

It’s unfortunate… But your wife, family, and faith alone are not enough to stop your sex addiction. If they were, you wouldn't be listening to this podcast. The men in my groups who are the fastest to recover have tapped into something more. Something that energizes them and keeps them leaning into recovery. Recovering from sex addiction is not a short road. You need to make sure that your recovery plan can go the distance. It’s easy for men to lean in for the first year. But many guys eventually get burned out. You need to prevent this! Burnout will certainly put you at risk of relapse and will not make your wife feel safe in the relationship. In this episode, I talk about how men have tapped into something that keeps them excited about their recovery. If you have not yet read/listened to my book, I talk about this concept in great detail. You can find my book here on Amazon: https://a.co/d/dzD9LKt The book is titled: “The High Achiever's Guide to Sex Addiction Recovery: A Proven Blueprint for Successful Professionals to Overcome Sex and Porn Addiction.”