8. What codependency is and what it's like to be codependent

I've always found myself guessing and assuming the emotions and feelings of others to keep myself safe. Growing up in a household where one parent always had unstable emotions and often blamed me for the things that happened in their life, I never knew what it was that I did wrong. I was always careful of my moves and what I said so I wouldn't upset them or trigger them in any way. This has moved into my close relationships as an adult and hasn't really worked out for me the way it used to. In this episode, I get into breaking this habit and how I've stepped out of that unhealthy safety net and how you can too! 

In this episode, I talk about suicidal ideation and your thoughts being valid. I don't talk too much about my own experience but more so just my thoughts about having them and how I think it should be a bigger conversation. We are okay talking about those who have taken their own life but not those who want to or are planning to. That's not right. It's all valid. 

In this episode, I talk about why we fear abandonment and ways in which it shows up in our lives. I do focus on romantic relationships, as it relates back to my life, but you can have this fear in any relationship. Stopping yourself from spiraling during this cycle is hard, but it takes asking yourself "What would help me not feel abandoned?". Most times you just want to feel loved and feel confident in your close relationship. Embrace that! 

In this episode, I get into what codependency is and what it's like being codependent. For me, it's like getting into a relationship and throwing away all of my wants and needs without considering if who I'm is good enough for me. 

In this episode, I get into how worry and controlling behaviors give you a false sense of security and safety. It's common for trauma survivors to continue to create chaos or create the same outcome out of familiarity - although it might be more damaging in the long run. 

In this episode, I talk about the whether we should "blame" transgenerational trauma or our parents. I say, as long as you don't blame yourself and you do whatever helps you heal your inner child wounds. You weren't responsible for the things that happened to you as a child and no one should decide who is responsible for that, for you. Books Mentioned: "It didn't start with you: How inherited family trauma shapes who we are and how to end the cycle" - Mark Wolynn "The boy who was raised as a dog" - Bruce D. Perry

In this episode, I briefly talk about the roles that are in a narcissistic family and how getting out of that family might be what saves you. I know that leaving family isn't always easy and isn't accessible to everyone, so if this is something you can relate to, I suggest seeking help and build stable relationships outside of your family. Source:  Balance Psychologies: Narcissistic Family Structures 

In this episode, I talk about invalidating comments, how invalidation can cause more suffering and releasing the need for invalidation. I also threw in a few validating comments that maybe we could start making instead.   Sources: Psych Central: Childhood Trauma and Overcoming The Hurt of Invalidation 

In this episode I talk about the quote, "You have to love yourself before you let anyone else love you" and why it shouldn't be said. This denies the reality of traumatic childhoods, experiences and the struggle of waking up everyday loving ourselves. We are worthy of love despite how we feel about ourselves.   Book: The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel Van Der Kolk

In this episode, I talk about attachment styles and start the conversation of how our partners mirror our parents. If we keep finding ourselves with people who remind us of our childhood, we need to ask ourselves what about the partners are triggering? Why am I being triggered? And why am I attracted to this kind of triggering? 1:40 - 5:52 is all about attachment theory, feel free to skip!!  Sources:  - Youtube: Positive Psychology, Attachment Theory - Psychology Today: Why Your Partner May Be Your Parent The book I am currently reading/ refer to: The Body Keeps The Score - Bessel Van Der Kolk