111: Boundaries: How to set them and why they’re so important.

Send us a textSo many of us bemoan the loss of a village, but do we really know what we mean by that?  Being in a village or community requires us to give as well as take; often not on our own terms. It also means that we have to brush shoulders with people who might have radically different viewpoints from us on things like politics or religion. Many of us have got used to our busy, overscheduled lives, and don't have time to offer what's needed to create community, whilst complaining about its absence.When we think about community it's easy to desire the positives, whilst forgetting that a lot of selfless contribution goes on behind the scenes in order for it to function. Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textEncouraging our kids to make the most of themselves is a vital job for parents, but how do we talk with girls about the barriers they face? From the subtle expectation that girls and women be humble to the not so subtle focus on their worth based on body parts and beauty, we parents are left with a tricky path to tread. We want to encourage our girls to be bold, and try to achieve their dreams, but how do we do that without being honest about the pitfalls of being ambitious, and the misogynistic reactions they will face as they navigate the world? Jo-Ann Finkelstein's book, Sexism and Sensibilty: Raising Empowered, Resilient Girls in the Modern World, has been described by Lisa D'Amour as required reading for anyone who is raising, educating, or caring for girls. In this interview, Finkelstein discusses the challenges girls face, such as internalizing sexism and the pressure to conform to beauty standards. She highlights the need for us parents to open about the challenges girls face so they learn to understand their worth beyond appearance.She has some great tips on how to help boys and girls notice the subtle signals and explains how we parents can help them by moving away from comments about their bodies and emphasising their other qualities. Another great tip is to encourage discussion around the dinner table and give girls time and respect when they want to make a point, since men interrupt women 33% more then they interrupt other men. COMPATIBLE EPISODES:Girls posting bikini shots on social media: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/bikini-photos-why-are-girls-posting-bikini-pics-and-what-should-we-say-about-them/Girl friendships: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/114-friendships-frenemies-and-boy-banter-parenting-our-teens-through-the-relationship-pitfalls/Negotiating allowances: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/money-giving-teens-and-tweens-an-allowance-two-years-on-my-daughter-talks-about-how-its-impacted/Eldest daughter syndrome: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/eldest-daughter-syndrome-and-the-trouble-with-parentification/Friendship groups: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/friendship-girls-and-toxic-groups-also-resilience-how-to-get-your-teen-to-keep-going-instead-of-g/Jo-Ann Finkelstein, is an advisory board member of the nonprofit, SSAIS, which has teen resource to empower youth to address SH/SA through peer education and advocacy.  Jo-Ann has a toolkit on this page: https://stopsexualassaultinschools.org/toolkits/, and SASH Club is described here: https://stopsexualassaultinschools.org/sash-club/  and on its own website at the previous link.  Looking foSupport the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textThe suicide of a young man at Oxford University has prompted a warning letter to the UK Government about 'cancel culture' on campus. The review into his death 'identified evidence of a concerning practice of social ostracism among students, often referred to as a cancel culture,' according the coroner.'[The review's] evidence was that this behaviour, where individuals are isolated and excluded from social groups based on allegations or perceptions of wrongdoing, poses a significant risk to student mental health and well-being.'I brought Susie in to talk about where cancel culture has come from, why it's become popular, and how we parents can help our kids be a force for good. PODCAST ON DEI :This Isn't Working by Tanya de GrunwaldFICTION BOOK:The Outcast - Sadie JonesEPISODES: Conflict resolution skills: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/conflict-resolution-skills-can-deepen-your-relationship-with-your-teen-heres-how/Consequnces: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/32-rules-consequences-and-the-teen-who-doesnt-seem-to-care/BLOG about consequences:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/whats-going-on-when-our-boundaries-and-consequences-dont-seem-to-work/Seven Ideas to Reduce Cancel Culture in Yourself or Your Students and Build Resilience from https://growingleaders.com/the-correlation-between-cancel-culture-and-resilience-in-students/:Do not react on impulse. Think first. Give yourself a day to reflect.Practice the 101% Principle. Find the 1% you agree on and give it 100% of your attention. Listen before you speak. Recover the art of really hearing from the other side. Phone a friend. Don’t respond in a vacuum. Include others’ perspectives before acting.Apologize when and where you’re wrong. This goes a long way in fostering relationships. Forgive when appropriate. To make a mistake is human; to forgive is divine.Build a bridge where there’s a wall. Find a way to connect with the opposing side.https://comment.org/why-we-cancel/https://www.depts.ttu.edu/rise/Blog/cancelculture.phphttps://www.researchgate.net/publication/375520893_Cancelled_Exploring_the_Phenomenon_of_Cancel_Culturehttps://www.thetimes.com/uk/education/article/oxford-student-took-own-life-after-ostracism-over-sexual-encounter-cjx389t5rhttps://www.mindingthecampus.org/2024/08/27/the-dangerous-evolution-of-cancel-culture/https://www.mindingthecampus.org/2024/08/27/the-dangerous-evolution-of-cancel-culture/https://medium.com/@julesdixon/ostracism-social-exclusion-in-adulthood-8764ea1a4003https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Pl_86DNyN4cicero Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textFriendships, and fitting, in are everything to teenagers. You could argue that understanding the dynamics, and supporting our kids through the turmoil of the teen years, is one of the best things we parents can do.  Former Headteacher of 18 years, Andrew Hampton FRSA, is no stranger to the issue. He's not only raised two girls he's also had to deal with the fall-out in school when friendships go wrong. Having set up the organisation, Girls On Board, which aims to educate teachers about the issues girls face, he - like me - is keenly aware that you can't tackle girl issues without also paying attention to what's happening with boys. He has now turned his attention to Working With Boys and tackling the issue of rape culture in schools; what stage it sets in, why it develops and how we parents can provide a decent working model for our kids to follow. Andrew Hampton [email protected]://www.girlsonboard.co.ukhttps://andrewhampton.netBOOKS:When Girls Fall OutWorking With BoysSupport the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textIf we genuinely think about how many of us are emotionally mature before we become parents the number is probably pretty low. The act of caring for someone else, and having to manage our own feelings, can be incredibly challenging, particularly when we were raised by parents who were immature themselves.Being able to spot the difference between being emotionally immature, and the normal pressures of parenting, can be really helpful. We all have outbursts at times; we're human. The most important test is how we deal with getting it wrong by apologising and taking accountability. The mutual empathy this creates is at the root of building strong relationships. Definition of emotional maturity on Healthline:An emotionally mature person manages their emotions well even in difficult situations, takes accountability, is okay with being vulnerable, and shows empathy to others.THE BOOK REFERENCED THROUGHOUT:Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay GibsonTYPES:1: The emotional parent. Ruled by their feelings, often swinging wildly between being over-involved and completely withdrawing from their children's lives.2: The Driven parent. This personality type is obsessively goal-oriented and perpetually busy. They are on a constant quest for perfection, which includes even their children.3: The Passive parent. They’re more laissez-faire and often willingly take a back seat to a more dominant partner. This can sometimes lead to physical and emotional abuse both for them and their children.4: The Rejecting parent. They don’t enjoy any level of emotional intimacy. Their interactions with other family members usually consist of getting angry, commanding others, or completely isolating themselves. THE TECHNIQUE1:  Become curious and observe rather than react. Our episode on this: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/over-reactions-how-to-not-overreact/2: Think like a scientist. Mentally take note of how your parent or the adult is responding to you. Are they actually listening to you or are they just trying to appease you? Do you recognize any of the emotionally immature behaviors we talked about earlier? Once you’ve done this you can begin to employ what Gibson calls the three-step Maturity Awareness Approach. The first step is to express yourself and let go.1: Express yourself and let go. Tell your parent or the person what you want to say, but don't worry about controlling the outcome. It doesn't matter how they react to you. 2: Set a goal of what you want to achieve from the conversation. For example, you might say, I want to tell my mother how ISupport the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textWhat we see on TikTok often starts on message boards in fringe groups then spills over into the mainstream. This is true of the Looksmaxxing social media trend that's been gaining more and more currency among teen boys. The goal of looksmaxxing is to meet a set of criteria for physical attractiveness, with a focus on the eyes, jawline, and physique and the ultimate currency is SMV, or Sexual Market Value. There are some really positive elements to the trend, but its originated in incel groups so there can be a dark underbelly that it's worth us parents knowing about, as Mike Nicholson https://www.progressivemasculinity.co.uk/is well aware. SOME KEY INFLUENCERS:Kareem Shami - syrianpsychoDillon LathamNETFLIX DOCUMENTARY:Open Wide PODCAST: LOOKSMAXXING for the modern male (attitude, skin & hair routine, clothes, mewing, jawsize)APPS MENTIONED:UMAXLOOSKMAX AIMEWING: The Mews are a father and son team of orthodontists from the UK who began to market their techniques on YouTube. The basic principles of mewing include:Tongue Position: Keeping the tongue flat against the roof of the mouth, rather than letting it rest on the bottom of the mouth.Posture: Maintaining good overall posture, which is thought to support proper oral and facial alignment.Breathing: Encouraging nasal breathing rather than mouth breathing, which can affect facial structure over time.When to seek help: from medical news todayYour son is...spending prolonged periods of time or repeatedly checking appearance in the mirrorfeelings of dissatisfaction or distress toward aspects of appearance that may interfere with everyday lifespending prolonged periods of time worrying about or thinking negative thoughts about appearancepersistent feelings of hopelessness, guilt, worthlessness, anxiety, sadness, or shamebecoming irritable more easilyfeeling tired or low in energydifficulty getting to sleep, staying asleep, or sleeping too muchfeeling restless and having difficulty concentratinghaving thoughts about death or suicidehttps://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/feb/15/from-bone-smashing-to-chin-extensions-how-looksmaxxing-is-reshaping-young-mens-faceshttps://fortune.com/2024/07/01/looksmaxxing-apps-rate-teen-boys-faces-mental-health/https:Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textBoundaries exist, regardless of whether we're conscious of them or not. The first place we experience them is in our own home, and the way they are created, managed and enforced can set us up for a lifetime of healthy relationships, or difficulty coping with other humans. In this episode Susie and I discuss what a boundary is, how we uncover our own boundaries and create and uphold healthy ones within our own families. It's a fascinating area for us parents who were raised in an era where the term barely existed, and the mental health issues that come with poor boundaries went unacknowledged. We'd love to hear your feedback, ideas and questions. Email [email protected] or send a text using the button at the top of the podcast notes.SOURCES:https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/mental-health/teens-health-boundaries/#:~:text=Healthy%20boundaries%20support%20adolescents'%20ability,and%20sometimes%20verbally%20as%20well.https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries#10-tipshttps://www.verywellhealth.com/setting-boundaries-5208802Boundary Exercises from verywellhealthWhen you set boundaries, you're communicating to others how you want and expect to be treated. Here are a few exercises that can help when you feel tongue-tied:Use "I" statements:I feel ______ when _____ is said to me.When this happens______, I feel_____.When you feel disrespected:I don't like the way I'm being spoken to right now.I would like to talk about this but now is not the right time.I would prefer to discuss this when we can be calmer about it.Buy yourself some time:I'm not sure right now. Can I come to you once I've thought about it?I need more time to think, but I will get back to you.When you want to say "no" with a little more explanation:I would love to, but my plate is really full right now.I would if I could, but I'm unable to help with that right now.I really appreciate the invitation, but I'm not interested in participating.Seeking consent with sexual boundaries:Are you okay with this?Do you want to continue?Are you comfortable if I____?Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textWhen kids hit puberty they become driven by a core motivation that many of us adults don't fully appreciate. It's not simply fun, or sex; they're looking for experiences that give them social status and respect. According to David Yeager, author of 10-25: The Science of How to Motivate Young People, a societal belief that teens and young adults are lazy and incompetent causes us to misunderstand the power of this motivator. When parents, teachers and employers get it wrong they try to use either an enforcer mindset - yelling telling, blaming and shaming - or a protector mindset such as bribes and lowered expectations rather than mentoring. In his book, Yeager, whom Clarivate Web of Science ranks as one of the top 0.1% most-influential psychologists in the world over the past decade, tells stories and gives concrete explanations for why the the science of motivating young people shows we can harness their drive for social status and a growth mindset, to motivate any young person to achieve their best. BOOK:10-25: The Science of Motivating Young PeopleDAVID YEAGER: Author/Professor/[email protected] the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textOver the last decade, parents have been consistently more likely to report experiencing high levels of stress compared to other adults, according to a report issued by the US Surgeon General, Dr Vivek Murthy. According to the advisory, 'When stress is severe or prolonged, it can have a harmful effect on the mental health of parents and caregivers, which in turn also affects the well- being of the children they raise. Children of parents with mental health conditions may face heightened risks for symptoms of depression and anxiety and for earlier onset, recurrence, and prolonged functional impairment from mental health conditions.'It goes on to say “Demands from both work and child caregiving have come at the cost of quality time with one’s partner, sleep and parental leisure time.”We've talk about ways of reducing stress in the past, but it can't be talked about enough. In this episode we unpack what is said in the Advisory, and give you some helpful tips on how to reduce the pressure felt by us all.Here is a 10-point list of top tips from this episode:Be a "single tasker" and focus on one task at a time to reduce stress and improve focus.Identify when you are hearing judgment or fear, and examine whether it is an internal or external stressor.Ration your exposure to negative thoughts and negative media to avoid activating stress circuits.Lean on your support network and share your feelings with others to avoid feeling isolated.Recognize the signs of stress in yourself and have a list of de-stressing activities.Plan and organize tasks in advance to reduce stress and increase efficiency.Practice cognitive empathy by understanding others' perspectives without getting emotionally involved.Cultivate meaningful happiness by reconnecting with experiences, people and goals that matter to you.Trust that stressful situations will pass and focus on your capacity to manage them.Act as an ambassador for stress management by sharing resources and pushing back against unnecessary stress.MY BLOG POST ON THIS EPISODE:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/our-culture-of-comparison-is-a-key-factor-in-the-damaging-levels-of-stress-experienced-by-parents/PREVIOUS EPISODE WITH MORE TIPS:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/stress-dealing-with-the-pressures-of-parenting-and-techniques-that-help-reduce-the-stress/THE SOURCE:https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2024/08/28/us-surgeon-general-issues-advisory-mental-health-well-being-parents.htmlSTUDY ON MATERNAL EMPATHY: AFFECTIVE V'S COGNITIVEhttps://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4053926/AN EXCELLENT ARTICLE LISTING IDEAS OFFERD IN THIS EPISODE:https://parenSupport the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textHow to parent kids who struggle with ADHD, anxiety and lifeNobody wants their child to struggle, but it's inevitable at some point. Many of the problems our kids face will be part of a well-worn path through the teenage years.But some kids have more complex needs. Parenting them can be far more challenging, and require a far great draw on our own resources, which is why I've been looking out for advice that will help those of us who find ourselves in that situation.Having read the Essential Guide, by Elaine Taylor-Klaus, I knew she would be perfect for the podcast. The book is packed full of tips and support, and her thinking is completely in line with all of the advice I've uncovered over the years of making this podcast. Let me know what you think and if you enjoy the episode please give it five stars or a review if you have the time. BOOK:The Essential Guide to Raising Complex Kids with ADHD, Anxiety and more: What Parents and Teachers Really Need to Know to Empower Complicated Kids with Confidence and Calm.CONTACT:https://impactparents.com/Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk