Friend, or just friend-shaped?

Once upon a time, there were autistic, ADHD, and anxious students who struggled to understand friendship. They struggled with concepts like: What is a friend? What isn't a friend? And what is expected when we're friends with someone? Sometimes, these students thought everyone was their friend, including people they had just met. Sometimes they didn't know how to determine who was a good friend and who wasn't, so they ended up spending time with people that we wish they wouldn't. And some students struggled to recognize what the expectations are in a friendship, which gets in the way of them being a good friend. This week's lesson was created for these students. In this lesson, we talk about how friends are people that we choose to spend time with outside of the context where we know them. Students practice and role play making plans with someone, since most students don't know how to do that. We also talk about how a friend is someone who makes us feel good. We discuss different scenarios and whether they are a sign of a good friend or a not-so-good friend.

Once upon a time, there were autistic, ADHD, and anxious students who struggled when it came to joining a conversation. Some students interrupted others or asked things like, “What are you guys talking about?” to try to join conversations. Others tried to be silly or made the conversation all about them when trying to join.And then there were students who never even tried to join conversations.I created the lesson we are talking about this week for all these students. In this lesson, I teach students when and how to join a conversation, as well as WHY we join conversations. We also talk about how sometimes, despite the fact that we did nothing wrong, things don’t work out the way we want them to. In addition to getting the information, students in my groups have the opportunity to practice joining conversations and engaging in discussions with their peers about what it looks and feels like when they successfully implement the things we discuss.

My book, "Social Skills is Canceled", is here! The chapter book tells the story of three students: Circle, Triangle, and Square. Each faces unique social challenges based on their social type. Understanding the different social types can help us all better support the students in our lives!Introduction to Social Skills is Canceled 01:01Welcome to "Social Skills is Canceled"!The book aims to provide information and education regarding different types of students, helping parents, educators, and therapists.Overview of the Book and Website 2:56The book and website (socialskillsiscanceled.org or .com) provide resources, including a quiz to identify a child's social type (circle, triangle, or square).The podcast will explore each social type in detail, starting with an introduction to the concept and the book.Characteristics of Circle Students 3:57Steph introduces the first social type, "Circle," and its characteristics, such as being friendly and well-liked by others.Being friendly is not the same thing as having friends.Circle students are often overlooked because they are seen as friendly and well-liked by adults, but they struggle to make friends with peers.They tend to think everyone is their friend.Circle students are typically parallel conversationalists, meaning they listen to conversations but do not actively participate.They often enjoy talking to adults more than peers and may prefer the company of younger children.Challenges and Overlooked Needs of Circle Students 8:07Circle students are often overlooked for social support because they do not exhibit socially inappropriate behavior.As adults, they may rely on family for social interaction because they never developed peer relationships.Introduction to Triangle Students 10:56Triangle students are known for being annoying, rude, intense, or too much, and are often in trouble for things they did not do.They are socially rejected by their peers, who may outwardly or covertly reject them.Triangle students try hard to make friends but may overcompensate, leading to a reputation for being annoying.They often have hyperactive personalities and great leadership potential but struggle to use these skills effectively.Challenges and Mental Health Issues of Triangle Students 13:52Triangle students are at risk for mental health challenges, including depression and anxiety, due to their struggles with making friends.They are typically aware of their reputation and often do not know why people find them annoying.Triangle students have big hearts and care about others but often feel isolated and lonely.They may have negative relationships with adults and are often dismissed from services and programs due to their behavior.Introduction to Square Students 17:44Square students exhibit social anxiety and are the hardest to identify because social anxiety does not always look typical.Square students tend to withdraw and isolate, making it difficult for them to make social connections.Square students are often unknown and fly under the radar.Characteristics and Challenges of Square Students 21:17Square students are typically intelligent and do well academically but struggle with social connections.They tend to be reserved and may have selective mutism, where they do not speak in certain situations.They often have close relationships with their families but struggle to make friends outside of that.The Importance of Mixed Social Groups 25:08The book and the podcast emphasize the importance of mixed social groups for students to learn from each other.Mixed groups allow students to provide feedback, see how others navigate social situations, and serve as practice partners.Conclusion and Next Episode Preview 30:20The podcast aims to help students and adults understand different social types and how they can support each other.Each upcoming episode will feature a lesson from Steph's year-round curriculum, with the next episode focusing on joining a conversation.

Summer is coming to an end! I'm feeling mixed emotions about that, how about you?   This week's podcast/YouTube episode is the final one about summer camp. We had an amazing 5 weeks and I'm glad I was able to spend that time with our summer campers. I'm also glad I was able to share it with everyone via the podcast!   Here's a clip from the episode: People have developed all kinds of rules for UNO that are not the actual rules of UNO. And the challenge with that is that our kids don't understand that. So they know how to play UNO the way they've learned how to play UNO, which is usually based on whoever they typically play it with, whether it's family, whether it's friends. But very rarely do two people have the same UNO rules.   The biggest conflict I see is, per UNO rules, if you don't have a card to play you draw one card and if you can't play it you lose your turn. But a lot of people play where you draw until you get a card that you can play. So that's the number one conflict I see is people trying to do that each way and then getting upset with each other when really it's just two people with a different understanding of how to play.    And so UNO can just get really complicated because different people have different ideas of how to play without recognizing that the way they're playing is not the actual UNO rules.    Once I explain that, everybody's fine and then they just have to agree on what rules they're going to play by. But again, it just all comes back to helping kids understand that we all process and think about things differently. And we only know based on our experience. So if you have someone else who's got a different experience, that's what they know. 

One of my biggest objectives with my students is helping them understand how other people think and feel. The topic of farting is actually a great way to make this point.    Talking about farting also helps my students understand the concept of 'context'. The concept that there are different rules and expectations in different contexts can be a challenge for neurodivergent kids.   In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm sharing stories from our 5th week of summer camp. A lot of situations in our 5th week revolved around thinking about what someone else may be thinking.   Here's a clip from the episode: Because we're mostly boys, one of the things that happens... this happens all the time at Starfish, especially with new kids who haven't been part of this conversation, is we have to have a conversation about farting in front of other people. During summer camp alone, I think we had it three times this summer. One thing to be mindful of, those of you guys that are parents, is that for kiddos who are autistic or have ADHD, they often have a difficult time understanding that there are different expectations in different environments. And so one of the things that I'll see sometimes is I'll see a kiddo doing or saying something that I can tell they do or say at home, but is not appropriate to do or say at Starfish Social Club, or to me as an adult.    However our kids act and talk at home is probably going to be how they act and talk out in the world. And so just to be aware of this.   So just being aware of the way your kiddos talk, the things that you guys joke about, the things that you tolerate or that you allow or that you have no problem with, but if they were to go to a friend's house, or if they were to say or do that at school, it would be an issue. 

I sometimes get asked how I decide what to focus on with my students at Starfish. How do I decide what to support them with and what to leave alone?   I focus on two things: things that affect each student's ability to function successfully in a group, and things that affect each student's ability to make and maintain friends.   First, this is a group program. Because of that, I am able to quickly and clearly see the things that cause kids to struggle in a group context. Maybe it's always needing to have things go their way. Maybe it's monopolizing conversations.   Second, I notice the things that are interfering with their ability to make and maintain friends. This is different for every kiddo. For some kids, it's that they don't know how to maintain conversations. For others, it may be their difficulty solving problems. In this week's episode, I'm sharing stories from the rest of our 4th week of summer camp related to helping students improve their group behaviors and raising awareness of some things that are getting in the way of building friendships.    I'm sharing stories and strategies about everything from responding to things with, "I don't know", to choosing who to spend our time with.   Here's a clip from the episode: Because at this point it's just an automatic reaction for him, but it doesn't always have to be. We can definitely break those automatic, shutdown, refusal, 'I don't know' kind of things. 'I don't know'... I've met so many kids who that becomes their default: I don't know. And it's when they're feeling a little bit overwhelmed by something. If we just step back and give them some time and space, almost always they will think of something to say. I've seen that with so many different kids in so many different situations. Even… I remember I had a kiddo who used to say that even when I would ask him just a social question like, 'What's your favorite video game?' 'I don't know.' And then I would just wait a little bit. And then he would answer the question. Sometimes kids do this because they don't want to say the 'quote, unquote' wrong thing. Even though there's never a wrong thing at Starfish Social Club.

One of the biggest challenges everyone in this world encounters is learning to recognize and appreciate that we all have different perspectives.    About everything.   All the time!   For our autistic and ADHD kids, this one thing is the cause of SO MANY of their struggles. It is very difficult for a lot of our kids to realize that different people think differently, and beyond that is the ability to understand exactly what/how those different people are thinking!   In this week's episode, I'm sharing stories from the first 2 days of our 4th week of summer camp.    Week four was characterized by understanding how different people think, and some of the conflicts that occurred when the kids struggled with this.   There was lying. There was cheating. There was anxiety that showed itself as not being very friendly. There were kids talking to themselves and kids talking to people without actually talking to anyone.    And there was growth and awareness and understanding, as there always is when we share space and play and learn together!   Here's a clip from the episode:   It reminds me of one time, many years ago, when I was at a marketing event for Starfish Social Club and a parent came up to me and asked about what I do. And she said, “Oh, my daughter doesn't need this. She's really social.” And she pointed her out to me and I noticed her… she's probably about 16,15, talking to some other people her age, and I can tell just by watching that they did not want to be talking to her. And at no point was she recognizing that, she was monopolizing the conversation,… it wasn't actually a conversation, it was just her talking at them. So I think our kids who are more chatty, sometimes we mistake chattiness for social skills, when actually sometimes these students have poorer social skills than our kids who are more quiet and reserved.

Our brains are wired to focus on the things going wrong. The things we don't like, the things that aren't 'normal', all the ways in which things just aren't going well.   I prefer to look for the little things that weren't there the day/week/month before. The things that show my students are learning and growing. The little things that pave the way for big things.    In this week's episode, I'm sharing stories from the rest of our 3rd week of summer camp.    (If you missed last week's episode, it just covered one day! This week's episode is about the rest of the week.)   I'm sharing stories and strategies about everything from picking toes to giving each other social feedback.    Here's a clip from the episode:   Two of the kids had chosen a different color while I was gone. And these are two kids who are new this year, and they've both been there every day. They are some of the kids that I've talked about that have had rough days. And so the fact that both of them, on their own, had chosen to be 'not blue' was really impressive to me. I was very impressed by that.   And I think for a lot of people, this doesn't seem like a big deal. Like, why is that a big deal? It's actually a huge deal. I think a kiddo who's always stuck on going first, or who's always stuck on being a certain color, the day that they can be unstuck about that I think is a huge deal. And so this was a really amazing day for me for these two guys who both were willing to be a different color. That's just... it's just a bigger deal than we give it credit for usually. 

Have you ever wondered what just one day at Starfish Social Club looks like? You know, the whole 'behind the curtains' thing?   This week's podcast/YouTube episode was supposed to be about week 3 of summer camp, but I talked for OVER 45 MINUTES just about Monday!   Y'all, that's a lot of talking about a 3-hour day! So I decided that was enough for one episode. :)    In this week's episode, I'm sharing everything that went on during ONE DAY of summer camp.   The big thing that occurred was complaining. SO MUCH COMPLAINING!    In this episode I share who was complaining (almost everyone), what they were complaining about (almost everything), how I handled it, and how the rest of our day went from there. If your kiddo (or maybe an adult you live with?) is prone to complaining, this is a great episode to listen to!   Here's a clip from the episode:   Complaining is really common for, not just kids, but people who are neurodivergent. And it is because part of, especially autism, also ADHD, is a reduced ability to understand other people's thoughts and feelings. And so people who have neurotypical brains tend to understand much more efficiently, that complaining makes other people not want to be around them. But people who don't always see that connection between their choices and other people's thoughts and feelings really miss that point. And so they're more prone to complain about things because they miss that connection.   And also, people who are neurodivergent are much more likely to not have as much of a social filter, which we usually associate as being a negative aspect. We usually think about somebody not having a filter as meaning they say things that hurt people's feelings, they say things that other people couldn't imagine saying. But it also just means they say things without understanding how it affects other people. So complaining is all of these things together.

Any time someone is learning something new, they go through certain phases.   The first phase is 'unconscious incompetence'. This is where we don't know what we don't know. In this phase, we may not even realize how much the things we don't know are holding us back.   The second phase is 'conscious incompetence'. This is where we become aware of what we don't know. In this phase, we start to realize how what we don't know is keeping us from what we want.   This phase is HARD. It requires us to acknowledge what we don't know, and in order to move forward we have to seek help. This is where a lot of kids have a hard time when it comes to social skills. They have become aware of what they don't know (they don't know how to make friends, they don't know how to talk to other kids, they don't know how to regulate their emotions, etc) but they don't know what to do differently.   Accepting help means changing and growing. It means letting go of some things and being willing to try new things. It means not always getting it right and being willing to try again.    In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm sharing everything that went on during our second week of summer camp. There were challenges, there were frustrations, there were big emotions and frustrations and disappointments. And there were huge wins! And the wins only come as a result of all the challenges. Here's a clip from the episode: There are definitely times, especially for new students, where when they first come to Starfish, it is a lot because this is the kind of stuff we do. As I say, this is why we're here. So some kids go home having had a rough day or a rough week when they first start, because this is what we're doing. We're working on being more flexible, being more adaptable, being with a group, hanging out with other people, we've got personality conflicts. It's a group of almost exclusively autistic and ADHD kids. So if you think about your kiddo times 10, right, that's what it is. So sometimes when kids first come, it's hard. It is hard for them. Sometimes they're getting a lot of feedback from other kids and that's hard for them. Sometimes they're missing out on things and that's hard for them. Sometimes they're bothering people and the other kids don't want to play with them. But as long as we keep coming and keep working, it always, always, always gets better. Always gets better.