PRP026 Sibling Rivalry with Dr Laura Markham Part 2

Show Notes: Child Sleep: The 3 main causes of child sleep problems Child sleep became an obsession for me back in my worst sleep-deprivation days. So I did what most PhD Psychology students would, I researched. Why do babies wake so often? Is it really necessary? When can I expect to get a run of 8 or even 5 hours sleep again? What can I do to speed that process? Then I began interviewing experts. Finally, it began to come together. I was able to cut through what I had learned to discover the 3 main causes of child sleep problems that really seem to underpin it all. Best of all, each of the three causes has fairly clear solutions. The thing is, every solution needs a level of perseverance, and solutions to one cause, do not help with the other two. The outcome: you need to find the cause and choose a fitting solution that you have the energy and will to stick to for at least a week. I built these causes and all the solutions I could find into the Sleep Options Wizard, presented them at local preschools, and now, I am sharing them with you. Summary The 3 main causes of sleep issues: Physical Biological Sleep Processes (Circadian Rhythm and Sleep Pressure) This is the first place to look! Medical issues Not addressed by the Sleep Options Wizard apart from night terrors, nightmares, sleep apnoea (look into this if your child snores), and head banging. Physical comfort - hunger, heat, wet, itchy. Solutions: Change timing of sleep, or physical environment (temperature, lighting, clothes) as appropriate. Ask a medical professional for medical issues. Emotional Fear, anxiety, excitement... Common triggers: Separation, processing daily emotions, loss of security, a major change, a recent or anticipated exciting game or event. Solutions: Start during the day (with empathy, emotion coaching, and the 3 Skills to Teach during the Day for better sleep at Night), then a gentle, gradual bedtime approach bed-time (for example, using the Sensible Sleep Solution), and only then overnight if necessary. Habitual Falling asleep habit/association e.g. co-sleeping, rocking to sleep, patting to sleep These habits are not problems - If you and your child are happy, continue and enjoy. Only a problem if: You don't enjoy it or have time for it. It causes night wakings where your child wants help back to sleep, and these are not allowing you the quality sleep you need. Boundary testing - Independent thought, preference, or action is a new skill that 3-5 year olds want to practice over and over (www.practicalresearchparenting.com/boundary). Solutions: Incorporate reasonable choices during the day and as part of the bedtime routine. Set and communicate clear expectations using Modelling for children 6 months and older (www.practicalresearchparenting.com/model). The Sleep Options Wizard is a guidance tool to help you diagnose the cause (in a bit more depth) and choose a solution. The solutions above are just a few of many gentle approaches. Links Sleep Options Wizard The first step in any good sleep intervention (Physical) video and email series. Podcast on Sleep Apnoea (Check this out if your child snores regularly). 3 Skills to Teach during the Day for better sleep at Night. Sensible Sleep Solution Boundary Testing Communicating expectations. Please subscribe, rate and share! Subscribe: iTunes, RSS, or Stitcher Please leave a review: in iTunes, and Stitcher Please share using the buttons below. Please leave a comment and start a discussion. Does this fit with your experience?

Show Notes: Autonomy Supportive Parenting Style Part 4 This is the fourth and final part of the interview with Professor Genevieve Mageau. We talk about beliefs behind autonomy support, what hinders autonomy support, transitioning from a controlling to an autonomy supportive style, and the book and workshop series "How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and How to Listen so Kids will Talk". Listen to Autonomy Supportive Parenting Style Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 first. I intend to start running a workshop series on How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and How to Listen so Kids will talk. If you are interested, sign up for the downloadable tip sheets in the meantime via the link above, and I will let you know when workshops start. Summary Beliefs behind Autonomy Support Organismic Trust makes it easier to take the child's perspective and take a supportive rather than coercive role. Trust that children will develop at their own pace. Trust that children want to co-operate. Trust that children want to learn. Think in terms of long term goals ("I want my child to learn to take responsibility for her things", rather than "I want this room clean NOW!") Inform of expectations. Give a chance to do better next time. Focus more on learning than performance. (Mistakes become learning opportunities, not failures.) Taking a child's perspective is key. Give relevant choices. Empathise. Consider preferences. Barriers to Autonomy Support High stress level. Worries for child's future. Daily hassles. Controlling behaviour can be rewarding. Authority figure. Taking action. Can reduce stress. Hinging our self-esteem on our children's success. Everyone has more controlling, and more autonomy supportive days. We can feel guilty for our bad days. We need to show ourselves the same compassion that we want to show our children. Changing towards an autonomy supportive parenting style Children with more difficulty learning/ behaving, are often the ones who most benefit from Autonomy Support. However, a sudden transition is unlikely to be successful. Children who are used to controlling parenting/teaching need more structure initially. Reflecting their feelings, showing that you get them, is especially important to develop the atmosphere of co-operation. Autonomy support helps children to develop values, rather than looking to the leader for direction. This becomes particularly important when, as adolescents they start looking more to their peers than their parents for guidance. How to Talk so Kids will Listen and How to Listen so Kids will Talk A book and workshop series that helps incorporate autonomy support into all areas of parenting. Including when children are distressed, or don't want to co-operate. It teaches 30 skills, 27 of which can be implemented from a very young age. The book was written by two parents, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, in 1980. It was inspired by a parent workshop on empathic limit setting run by Psychologist Haim Ginott, author of Between Parent and Child, and the researcher who inspired today's definition of autonomy support. How to Talk so Kids will Listen and How to Listen so Kids will Talk is still the second most popular parenting book (affiliate link - thank you). It includes involvement and structure in an autonomy supportive way. There is also How to Talk so Teens will Listen and How to Listen so Teens will Talk, but the principles are essentially the same with different examples. About the workshops 7-week program of 2 hours per week workshop time. Workshops are very closely linked to the book. Each chapter and session: Starts with a perspective taking exercise. Skills are presented using comic strips. Practice skills in the workbook. Practice skills with other parents. Homework - practice with family. Are they effective? Geneviève Mageau and Mireille Joussemet are currently eva...

Show Notes: Autonomy Supportive Parenting Style Part 3 This is the third part of the interview with Professor Genevieve Mageau. We talk about using routine charts, and some of the risks and alternatives to sticker charts. We also look at limit setting for boundary testing behaviour, and addressing frequent misbehaviour. Listen to Autonomy Supportive Parenting Style Part 1 and Part 2 first. Summary Routine Charts Routine charts can be helpful because they are informational. Consider your child's competence? Is s/he able to work through the routine independently. Do you need to remind your child to look at the next step? How much help does your child need to complete each step? If there are frequent problems, problem solve. Accept that when control is given to the child, there will be mistakes. Provide reasons why they need to complete the routine. Allow natural consequences. For example schedule some playtime at the end of routines. If the routine takes too long, there is less time for play. Be prepared to help your child cope with failure (empathise without fixing or blaming). Avoid rushing (make sure your expectations are realistic) - leave time for mistakes by waking earlier if you have to. Make sure children are capable of all steps. Sticker Charts Consist of 2 components: Informational competence feedback (can be motivating, but also has the potential to undermine feelings of competence, which can be demotivating) Controlling element When sticker charts are seen as encouraging and playful - sticker charts can have positive outcomes BUT, It is hard to predict how they will be perceived. Initially they may work well because they are exciting and provide clear information on what is done well. Some days they may be seen as an attempt at control, and incite resistance, e.g. after an argument, or in the context of other demands. The more parents emphasise the contingency of the reward, the more controlling it can feel "e.g. Come on, get dressed, don't you want your sticker today?" Can create a transactional parent-child relationship. Children have the right to refuse the reward to not do the behaviour. The focus is on external contingencies rather than the importance or meaning of the behaviour If the reward is blown if they fail once or twice in a week, there is no reason to keep trying for the rest of the week. Part of what differentiates sticker charts from to-do lists is that children feel really bad when they can't add a sticker. Sticker Chart alternative Describe the behaviour that is done right. E.g. "I see a child who came home, and took out his homework straight away. That is what I call taking responsibility". Describe what your child does well, rather than evaluating them. Avoid evaluations e.g. "Good girl/ boy". Limit-setting and boundary testing behaviour Create a climate of co-operation. Listen with compassion and respect. Punishment doesn't work. It undermines this climate. Describe the problem (without evaluation, blame, or accusation). State feelings without too much intensity. Offer different choices of acceptable behaviour. Take action to solve the problem. Trouble-shooting If this problem re-occurs frequently, use problem solving. If children are frequently misbehaving, look first at the climate of respect. Links How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (Affiliate Link, thank you). Faber and Mazlish Website: http://www.fabermazlish.com/ Patreon Support Page at https://www.patreon.com/PracticalResearchParenting where you can help me to continue these podcasts for you and millions of others. Leave a review on iTunes To download Tip Sheets from the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen..." please click here. This series

Show Notes: Autonomy Supportive Parenting Style Part 2 This is the second episode talking with Professor Genevieve Mageau about Autonomy Supportive Parenting. In this episode we examine what to do when children won’t listen, how to address ongoing problems, more on providing structure, and enforcing limits in an autonomy supportive manner, and the difference between psychological and behavioural control. Listen to Autonomy Supportive Parenting Style Part 1 first. Summary What if our child is not listening? "I have found that when I engage with Alex's game, and then ask for his help, he tunes out as soon as I change the topic to cleaning up." Genevieve's advice was as follows: You do not have to listen forever. To help the message get through you can send a note (a fun way of getting attention), or get close, put a hand on his shoulder, and point. Pick your battles - decide how important picking up the shoes is to you. It is easier to accept rules that are easy to justify. Autonomy supportive communication first: Listen to perspective Acknowledge perspective Give reasons Provide age-appropriate choice (e.g. do you want to clean up now, or after the game?) Clearly state expectations. "We agreed that..." Express your feelings "I feel ... when..." Help them to achieve the goal. "How can I help you to..." e.g. "Would it help if I put on some music?" Provide structure - if you don't enforce your rules, why would they learn or stick to them? Focus on solving the problem, not punishing the child. For example... Gently guide. You may need to remove distraction until the goal is achieved. The goal is to solve the problem, not punish the child. Be proactive by deciding on rules in advance. For example do you want to clean up after each game? Every afternoon? Do parents know the policy? Do our children know the policy? Once you decide on a rule, communicate it (in an autonomy supportive way), then coach and remind. Invest time helping kids to learn the rules and learn problem solving. Ongoing or reoccurring problems Use collaborative problem solving when everyone is calm: Listen to your child's feelings about it. Express your feelings about it (and why you feel that way) without placing blame or accusing. Brainstorm and write down ideas without judgement (write them all down, no matter how impractical). Select different options - explore consequences and give explanation when crossing out options. Don't try to convince the kids that the rule is important - just providing information is sufficient. Behavioral control versus Psychological control When parents try to control psychological elements of their child, including thoughts, feelings, preferences, this leads to the most negative impact. It is important to allow children to explore disturbing thoughts and opinions, listen so it can pass. For example "I hate my little sister!" Don't deny it or try to convince them that it is not true. React emphatically, without judgement. You can try changing it a little: "Oh you are really angry at your sister" This may be met with a rebuttal, in which case you can acknowledge that feeling, and extrapolate the impact of it e.g. "Oh, you hate her, that must be difficult" Even with strong feelings we can put limits on the behavior. Use empathy, non-judgemental information, warmth towards both children. E.g. "I can see you are really angry at your sister. Sisters are not for hitting." Solve the problem. Make the behavior stop. For example, Remove an object (such as a pen that has been used to draw on a wall) until trust is restored. Separate children until trust is restored. The goal is not to punish, but to prevent the problematic behavior. Reflect the feelings of the victim and ask "What can we do to fix it?" with a curious, not accusing tone.

[display-if-get name="HTTSKWL"] Thank you for signing up to hear about the "How to Talk so Kids will Listen" workshops. To get you started, if you haven't already, please listen to this series of podcasts discussing the autonomy supportive parenting style that you will learn through the workshops. [/display-if-get] Show Notes: Autonomy Supportive Parenting Style Part 1 3 key components of successful parenting are parental involvement and age-appropriate structure, provided in an autonomy-supportive way. These are central components of the authoritative parenting style, and also satisfy the basic needs for human motivation and flourishing as defined by the Self Determination Theory. Through this series of 4 podcast episodes Genevieve Mageau helps us to translate this theory of autonomy supportive parenting style into concrete skills that we can practice. Summary Optimal Parenting Components To flourish, to feel motivated, and self directed, people primarily need three conditions: 1. Relatedness (Also belonging, acceptance. warmth, connection) Relatedness refers to our need for belonging. Parental involvement in their children's lives in a caring and accepting way, with love and warmth, fosters positive connection, and satisfies children's need to belong. 2. Structure (A means of developing competence) Structure refers to clear rules and limits that parents are willing and able to enforce, high but realistic expectations, providing optimal challenges (which often involves providing support, or simplifying tasks for young children), and providing an environment that children have a reasonable degree of control over. 3. Autonomy Autonomy refers to the way in which we are involved, and provide structure in our children's lives. It is a position that respects the child's unique character, feelings, preferences, interests, and perspective. Autonomy support grants children agency and ownership over their own behaviour, and allows them to be themselves. It is the opposite of attempting to control our children, being intrusive, or trying to make them be a certain person. It is not the same as permissive. We talk a lot about autonomy supportive limit setting, and enforcing those limits. It is also not the same as independence, more about the development of healthy interdependence. How to have an Autonomy-Supportive Parenting Style. Key components are: Be empathetic, genuinely try to understand your child's perspective and feelings, truely listen and explore his point of view. Welcome all feelings, while setting limits on behaviour. (Anger is allowed, hitting is not). Be descriptive and informational in your comments, not evaluative. Focus your comments on the problem, rather than placing blame. E.g. "There are shoes all over the floor". Provide rationales. E.g. "We can trip on shoes and it can really hurt us." Support active participation. Actively listen to your children. Involve children in decisions and problem solving, Provide capacity-appropriate choices. Autonomy support for pre-verbal children Even with babies we can make controlling or autonomy supportive actions. Controlling behaviour is putting a toy right in the babies face such that she has to look at it, an autonomy supportive approach would be to play with the toy in view but just to the side, so that the baby can choose to look at it. Similarly you can force a toy into a young baby's hand or offer it to him. In addition you can... Provide age appropriate choices (not do you want to brush your teeth, but teeth first? Or bath first?) Allow your child their own way of doing things (often this is the slow way). Empathise (allow, and accept all feelings). Respect toddlers preferences (within reason). Give reasons for your requests and actions. Establish routine - the ability to predict events provides a sense of control. State rules and expectations without judgement.

Show Notes: How to Help your Sensitive Child to Thrive This is the second episode on understanding and raising a highly sensitive child (The first episode in the series is here). We get some great tips on helping our children to function socially in a society that values being tough, learn more about Equine Assisted Learning, and discuss mindfulness and counseling as a highly sensitive person. Summary For the foundations, check out the first episode on Highly Sensitive Children. How can Highly Sensitive Children (HSC) thrive in societies that value being tough? Common phrases in these societies might be "When the going gets tough, the tough get going", "You're too sensitive", and "I'll give you something to cry about". Parent and child need to understand that highly sensitive people process the world differently. It is appropriate for HSCs to hold back, and take time to process before they are required to respond and react. Visit the new school before the first day. Minimise the number of new experiences experienced at one time. Rhesis monkeys have society and parenting styles very similar to humans. Researchers allocated "uptight" (Highly Sensitive) infant monkeys to responsive or unresponsive parents. "Uptight" infants with skilled, responsive parents thrived and became the leaders of the group. "Uptight" infants with unresponsive parents they were the lowest functioning in their group. (1) Should parents be helping HSCs to "harden up"? HSCs have differential susceptibility. That means negative and positive experiences affect them more than non-HSCs. Everything we do to help support HSCs to have positive experiences have great effect. In contrast forcing scary/noisy/overstimulating experiences on HSCs can make things a lot worse. Teaching, learning, and modelling self-care is really important. Avoiding hunger, getting good sleep, scheduling in time out etc. With a childhood that honors sensitivity, HSCs can grow into really amazing adults. Equine-assisted learning Equine assisted Growth And Learning Association (EGALA) model. Alane Freund met Elaine Aron, the original researcher on high sensitivity, through horse riding. EGALA is ideal for HSPs because they tend to do well in nature and love animals. Alane and Elaine developed workshops: "HSPs and Horses". Alane became certified as therapist for HSPs in addition to Marriage and Family Therapist and EGALA training. Workshops are comfortable, they encourage people to take breaks and snack throughout. Alane Freund Has been horse training and riding since childhood. Her high empathy for others led naturally into counselling. Has been a Marriage and Family Therapist for about 25 years. Counselling as an HSP Can be very confronting. Alane found it helps to envisage a beautiful box inside her during client sessions. She opens the box to receive the client's experience and thoroughly explore it during the session. Then when the session is finished, she closes the box. When seeing clients with an HSP's level of depth, we cannot accept the same level of case load. Mindfulness Can help, but can also be problematic because HSCs are deep thinkers, they can get lost in their own thinking. Focusing on nature can really help. Links Patreon Support Page at https://www.patreon.com/PracticalResearchParenting where you can help me to continue these podcasts for you and millions of others. Self test for adults and children at hsperson.com Books on highly sensitive people and children at hsperson.com/store/bookstore/ Recommend Elaine Aron's book "The Highly Sensitive Child" and Ted Zeff's book "Strong sensitive boy". Blog post where I discovered the trait: 7 Things You Should Never Say to the Parent of a Highly Sensitive Child (by Megan Stonelake) References 1. Suomi, S. J. (1991). Uptight and laid-back monkeys: individual differences in the res...

Show Notes: How to Help your Sensitive Child to Thrive Do you have a sensitive child? Does she have major melt-downs especially after high excitement, or in a new or crowded place. Does he notice the little things? Does she sometimes seem shy? Being a sensitive child, and a sensitive person is a wonderful thing, if we just craft our environment and actions. Listen to this interview with Alane Freund to discover how to help your sensitive child to thrive. Listen to this episode first, then check out How to Help your Sensitive Child to Thrive Part 2 here. Summary Highly Sensitive Children Highly sensitive people are distinguished by the following characteristics: Depth of processing: Reflect more than others about the meaning of life, decisions, ideas etc. Over stimulation: Notice everything and therefore get overstimulated easily. Emotional Responsiveness and Empathy: Stronger emotional reactions, easily moved to laugh, or cry. Sensitive to subtle stimuli: Notice moods, subtle sounds, smells, tastes. Sensory Processing Sensitivity Trait Highly sensitive people and children are those with the sensory processing sensitivity trait. This trait is: Common across species: Found in 15-20% of over 100 species, possibly present in all species. Innate: Animals and people are born with it. Adaptive: Every species need highly sensitive members to warn them of danger, to survive threats, and think more deeply about things. Even present in prey animals: All horses are sensitive because they are prey animals, but still 15-20% are more highly sensitive. Tend to be more spooky, challenging, and don't like to be touched. Equally common for males and females at least in humans. Observed in both extroverts and introverts: 70% of HS people are introverts. Expressed differently depending on the person/animal and environment. Major advantages Highly sensitive children and people are really wonderful as long as they look after themselves and limit over stimulation: Ask really insightful questions. Think deeply about issues. Detect and warn of danger. Stop to smell the roses. Empathise and make deep connections with others. Possible developmental challenges Highly Sensitive Children experience similar developmental stages to other children, but these can be amplified. For example they can be (but aren't always): Particularly fussy eaters. Perfectionists: Prefer to do something once and make sure it is done right. Difficult sleepers: Sleep difficulties due to over stimulation and over arousal. Screens and caffeine (even from chocolate) can be especially problematic. Can have greater sleep need. Experience Social Challenges: Need to process new situations and places before entering and engaging with them. Labelled "Shy": Can become labelled as shy. Tend to prefer quiet play. Prone to tantrums, meltdowns, and other challenging behaviour when over stimulated: E.g. Get over stimulated when children at preschool get too loud and busy. Parenting Challenges Parenting a highly sensitive child can be challenging. In addition to the points above: Childhood looks very different for a highly sensitive child. Some parents can struggle to accept this. E.g. HSC's may not want big birthday parties. Hard to access the amount of patience that a highly sensitive child needs. If an HSC's needs aren't met, behaviour becomes challenging Takes longer to move into new environment. Can still meltdown from overstimulation even when changes are gradual, they are well slept, and well fed. If you suspect you have a highly sensitive child, or are highly sensitive yourself... 1. Test yourself and your child for high sensitivity at www.hsperson.com 2. Read The Highly Sensitive Child and check out other resources at www.hsperson.com 3. Explain the trait to your child. Perhaps you could describe it as a special sort of superpower.

Show Notes: Sibling Rivalry with Dr Laura Markham Part 2 The second in a Two Part Series with Dr Laura Markham where we learn how our parenting behaviour can influence the relationship between our kids, and facilitate sibling rivalry, or sibling friendship. If you missed the first in the series, listen to Part One here. You can find more wonderful resources from Dr Laura Markham at Aha! Parenting, including heaps of amazing free content, the two books we discuss here: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, and Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings, as well as lots of great audio content and a parenting course. Summary Sorry about the poor audio quality. The content is well worth it! If you want a transcript, please click here and enter your email address so I can let you know when it is ready. What Undermines Sibling Relationships? Taking Sides The target of blame feels like a bad kid. - Like you don't love them. - So they pick on the other sibling. The defended child doesn't learn to stand up for himself. Instead learns to call you to solve any issues, and begins to worry if the other child is appreciated (in case it is a role reversal). Solutions In the moment: Keep it even. E.g. When you hear commotion “Is everyone having fun in there? It sounds like someone isn’t liking this.” Coach self-defence: “Honey, you don’t look too happy about this. You can tell your sister if you don’t like this game.” Empathise with both aggressor and victim: “You love doing x, but it seems he isn’t liking that very much.” Invite solutions: “So what else could we do. How about your toys play the students?” Set limits: e.g. “No pushing, pushing hurts”. Preventative Maintenance: Spend one on one time with each child. Aggression comes from fear. Punishment If we use punishment to teach lessons, our children will also use punishment to teach lessons. Children don't learn well when they are emotional. They learn when they are calm. Punishment makes the child feel unsafe, and escalates emotional disregulation. Punishment also sends the message that love is conditional on good behaviour. What children learn from smacking is that physical aggression is part of intimate relationships. Solutions Phase 1: Damage control and calm down. You cannot teach during this time. Phase 2: Connect with your child. Phase 3: Problem solving. Time Out Time out was developed as a very good alternative to spanking. It is based on behavioural psychology, but children are much more complex than rats. The problems: Assumes that the behaviour is chosen. Mostly children lash out because they are emotionally disregulated. Sending your loved ones away when they most need support undermines connection, and inhibits emotional processing. Due to the perceived love withdrawal, children misbehave more in the long run and moral development suffers. Children who calm down alone tend to repress their emotions. Time out doesn't deal with the source of the behaviour. The emotions are still there, and will flare up and affect behaviour. Solutions Time to calm down is important, but that can be done with time in and emotion coaching. Use emotion coaching – acknowledge their emotions, listen to their point of view. Humans respond to influence and connection more than punishment. Children want a warm relationship with you more than anything else. If you have been punishing, the first step is to restore that relationship. If a child is grumpy due to hunger, we feed him, we don’t worry about whether we are rewarding the misbehaviour. We are meeting their needs whether that is hunger for food, or love, or comfort. The research behind Time Out: I asked Laura more about the research behind time out. Here is her reply: "A study done by the National Institute of Mental Health (1) concluded that timeouts are effective in getting toddlers to cooperate, but only temporarily.

Show Notes: Sibling Rivalry with Dr Laura Markham Your son snatches a toy from your daughter. What do you do? Snatch it back? Coerce? Time out? I discuss peaceful, coaching-based approaches with world-leading expert on evidence-based peaceful parenting, Dr Laura Markham. Laura shares what we can do to prevent sibling rivalry and foster a good relationship between our children. We discuss common issues such as toy snatching, and aggression. This is the first of a two-part series on Sibling Rivalry. Please look out for the second part where we examine time-out and other parenting strategies that can potentially undermine the sibling relationship. You can find more wonderful resources from Dr Laura Markham at Aha! Parenting, including heaps of amazing free content, the two books we discuss here: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, and Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings, as well as lots of great Audio content and a parenting course. Summary Sorry about the poor audio quality. The content is well worth it! If you want a transcript, please click here and enter your email address so I can let you know when it is ready. Peaceful Parenting No one is peaceful all the time. Peaceful parenting is about making a commitment to using more peaceful parenting strategies including: Regulating ourselves and our emotions - mindfulness. Connection with your child. (Influence occurs through relationships). Coach instead of control. Not about manipulating, controlling, coercing, punishing, rewarding. It is our job to get our children to do things they don't necessarily want to do, such as sleep, brush teeth... It can be hard to use peaceful parenting in those situations if we have been raised in another way. We need to unlearn old habits and learn new approaches. Sibling Relationships Siblings do not naturally get along. They see each other as competitors for finite resources (Mum and Dad's time, toys, etc). They have poor self control and big emotions. They lack language and experience. Individual personalities can clash. Parenting practices have a great deal of influence over the sibling relationship. Make sure love and attention don't seem like scarce resources. Preventative Maintenance - regular one on one time. The more negative the relationship with the parent, the more negative the relationship is with the sibling. Every time you interact with your kids (even when you are yelling and punishing), you are modelling how you deal with that child, how to approach interpersonal difficulties, and how to problem solve. Parents can support the sibling relationship by: Having a close relationship with each child (research says this is the number one thing). That way children are less worried that love is a scarce resource. Specific modelling. Child goes to take the rattle from the baby - say "Oh, that rattle looks like fun doesn't it! But Susanna is playing with it now. How about you ask her, say 'Susanna, can I have that please?'. Hmm. It's hard to tell whether she is finished with it, isn't it. How about we offer her another fun toy..." What if you are too late? The toy has already been snatched. Calm yourself: Deep breath. Put an arm around each child. Describe: "Oh, Liz is crying, I wonder what she's saying. Liz, are you saying you want your toy back?" Interpret: "Alex, Liz is saying she wants her toy back". Empathy: "Oh Alex, you want to play with it now, it looks like fun doesn't it." Suggest a solution: "Why don't we find something to swap? I'll come with you. How about we leave that with Liz while we go and find something to swap." Model and coach children on how to stand up for themselves and get their needs met without attacking the other person. Coach the child who has had the toy taken to stand up for themselves. Novel sharing approach - self-regulated terms.

Show Notes: What is Attachment? What is attachment? Attachment isn't just about your relationship with your child, though that is important. It can predict how your child will approach future relationships, how close future friendships will be, and whether your child will seek support when under stress. Attachment is dynamic. It can change. So it is not something to stress about, but it is worth learning about. With Associate Professor Cathy McMahon, an expert on attachment theory, we explore what attachment is, and how it might interact with parent-child conflicts, controlled crying, and daycare choices. Summary What is attachment? The way caregivers and infants connect with each other particularly in times of stress. It predicts how relationships will be used to cope in times of stress. How does attachment form? Infants innately have a set of attachment behaviours that help them to achieve closeness e.g. crying, moving toward, clinging. These behaviours are automatically activated when feeling threatened or distressed. Signals trigger caregiving responses from the parent. The pattern of parent's responses to these cues become an expectation. Good enough parenting - emotionally available most of the time. Those expectations are taken into future relationships. Attachment is dynamic. It can change when parents become more or less emotionally available. Is there something special about the first three years of life? Yes, the first three years are a period of very rapid brain development. Experiences in early years are very influential. There is always potential for change, but it can be harder and more gradual later in life. Types of Attachment: Strange situation procedure - The mother takes her child to a room and leaves them there alone or with a stranger. Psychologists observe the child's response to separation and reunion. 3 common patterns: Secure - distressed by separation, sought parent upon return, were easily calmed by parent, resumed play. Avoidant - physiologically but not apparently distressed by the parent leaving, didn't react to return - just kept playing. Parents tended to discourage closeness and redirect to play. Competent at play but tend not to form close friendships, and more likely to have behaviour issues such as bullying. Anxious/Ambivalent - very distressed by departure, show anger and upset when the parent returns, but the parent is unable to calm the child. Can form if the parent is inconsistently available - so the child exaggerates or amplifies pleas for help. Can also form if the parent is unsure, or unconfident about their ability to settle a child, or doesn't have the capacity to be responsive for long enough. So these parents give a bit of support, but not enough to calm the child. Attachment doesn't predict everything, only future relationship approaches. It is about the consistent interaction pattern (we all have bad days). About 50-60% of mother-infant pairs develop secure attachment. Insecure attachments are common, normal, and can be quite functional for that parent and child. Effects of Attachment on later life: Secure attachments are protective - New relationships are approached with a positive set of expectations, that tend to be well received and invite closer friendships. Willing to ask for help and then able to be fairly independent after receiving that help. Avoidant - Tend not to ask for support. Tend not to get as close to people as could be good for them. What about good days and bad days? It is about the overall context and pattern. Having bad days here and there is normal, it doesn't mean there is or will be insecure attachment. If bad days become more frequent this could lead to a more insecure relationship. Can mothers recognise whether their child is securely attached?