Outwitting the Manipulator

A corporate client asked Robin Golinski a smart question: how do I avoid hiring a manipulator? In this episode, Robin and Dr. Dennis Becker share three tests you can use in a job interview, on a first date, or with a new friend who seems almost too perfect. You’ll hear about the “too good to be true” test, a surprise stress test that can make the mask slip, and the one question that shows whether someone takes responsibility or rewrites the story. Along the way, Dennis explains how he caught a too-polished salesperson in the act, and Robin talks openly about what it’s like to be love-bombed. Stay to the end for a bonus test involving mirrors.

Therapy looks back and asks what caused the problem. Coaching starts where you are and gives you the words to use right now. Robin Golinski and Dr. Dennis Becker explain the difference, why “sticky icky” dependency keeps people stuck, and why manipulators “control the momentum of the moment.” They also share how one client went from dreading verbal attacks to laughing at how predictable they were. Book a complimentary 15-minute info session at manipulator.help. Follow @ManipulatorHelp on Instagram, TikTok, and X.

Is every manipulator a narcissist? Is every narcissist a manipulator? Dr. Dennis Becker puts those questions to Dr. David Helfand, a psychologist who runs intensive retreats for couples on the edge of divorce. Robin Golinski is out this week, and the conversation still has plenty of friction. Dr. Helfand describes narcissism as “someone self-serving due to attachment injury.” In his view, much of the manipulation he sees comes from unmet needs, not malice. Dennis holds the Outwitting the Manipulator line: a manipulator acts with nefarious intent, wants control, and doesn’t care what it costs you. That’s why manipulators rarely change. They change tactics, and when a tactic stops working, they change targets. The two find common ground on the difference between coaching and therapy. Coaching gives you words, facial expressions and behavior to protect yourself the moment manipulation happens: tomorrow at the office, tonight at dinner. Therapy goes into the history to change the dynamic over time. Both have a place, and knowing which one you need is half the battle. Also in this episode: why giving in to demands only gets you more demands, how a parent’s bedtime fib differs from coercion, and why manipulators are already planning their moves for the holiday office party. Find Dr. Helfand at https://marriagequest.org. Sign up for the next Outwitting the Manipulator workshop at https://manipulator.help Topics 00:51 Meet Dr David Helfand 03:02 Narcissism vs Manipulation 04:50 Roots of Manipulation 06:56 Beyond Couples Contexts 09:21 Quick Definitions 10:10 Intent and Harm Debate 13:43 Can Manipulators Change 15:55 Why It Persists 18:13 Relationships Compared 19:43 Why Manipulators Manipulate 20:52 Real Time Protection Tools 22:10 Can Manipulators Be Helped 23:07 Narcissism Versus Manipulation 26:39 Nefarious Intent And Consent 29:44 Coaching Not Therapy 34:49 Therapy Caveats For Couples 36:29 Resources And Wrap Up

What passes for "debate" online is really argument dressed up to dominate, not discover truth. Robin breaks down four manipulation tactics fueling bro culture: weaponized personal vulnerability, radical disruption, manufactured stress, and character assassination. She and Dennis demonstrate each one live, share personal stories of being targeted, and give you specific counter-tactics to shut them down. Whether you're watching these exchanges online or dealing with them in your own relationships, once you see the playbook, you can't unsee it. The takeaway: respond, don't react.

After 25 years in a coercively controlling relationship, author Eva Levina had to answer a difficult question: How did a strong, intelligent, capable woman stay for so long—and how could she make sure it never happened again? In this candid conversation, Eva joins Robin to talk about the subtle warning signs that are easy to mistake for vulnerability, love, or even intimacy: the tragic backstory that activates your instinct to rescue, feigned helplessness, boundary testing, and the slow conditioning that teaches you to put someone else’s needs ahead of your own. But this episode isn’t about blaming the manipulator—or blaming yourself. It’s about reclaiming agency. Eva describes the “mental housecleaning” that helped her examine the patterns she brought into the relationship, stop organizing her life around someone else, and begin investing the same love, loyalty, energy, and support in herself that she had spent decades giving away. Robin and Eva also explore why personal responsibility is so different from self-blame, why boundaries require self-respect, and why controlling your response—not another person—is one of the most powerful skills you can develop. The central message is simple: You may not control what someone else does to you, but you can learn to recognize the pattern, stop participating in it, and become the CEO of your own life.   Link to her book: https://a.co/d/0gV0vYak  

Contempt doesn't start with violence. It starts with a comment about your skin, a look, a tone you're told to ignore. By the time it escalates, most people have spent years telling themselves it wasn't a big deal. In this episode, family law attorney Diana Romanov joins Robin Golinski and Dr. Dennis Becker to talk about the manipulation patterns she sees every day in high-conflict divorce, custody, and domestic violence cases, and what she wishes every client understood before they ever hired a lawyer. What we cover: Why contempt is the precursor to domestic violence, and how to recognize it before it escalates How manipulation shows up in divorce, co-parenting, and custody disputes The "fish in water" problem: why it can take 10, 20, even 40 years to see the pattern you're living in Why gray rocking is a technique, not a strategy, and what to use instead How to tell when you're actually winning against a manipulator (hint: it doesn't feel like winning) Real client examples of using shame, boundaries, and a manipulator's own words against them About our guest: Diana Romanov Esq., CFLS is a family law attorney based in the San Francisco Bay Area, practicing family law, prenuptial agreements, and high-conflict custody cases. "Divorce Like a Boss" on YouTube https://romanovlaw.com Outwitting the Manipulator is hosted by communication coach Robin Golinski and Dr. Dennis Becker. You can't change the manipulator, but you can change the outcome. Get the book: http://mybook.to/outwitthemanipulator  Visti us at https://outwitinrealtime.com

In this episode of Outwitting the Manipulator, hosts Dennis Becker and Robin Golinski sit down with Stephanie MacAlister, founder of Virtua Connect Counseling Clinic (a cross-Canada virtual counseling practice), who has counseled both perpetrators and survivors of domestic violence. The conversation traces how verbal manipulation and isolation typically precede physical violence in relationships, with Stephanie introducing her "dropping the bar" framework - the gradual process by which couples normalize escalating bad behavior, from yelling to name-calling to intimidation. The group digs into what separates ordinary give-and-take in relationships from coercion, the concept of "informed consent" in communication, and a pointed disagreement over whether manipulators are generally "doing their best" or acting with more deliberate, nefarious intent - Robin pushes back on this based on her own 22-year experience with a manipulative partner, while Stephanie holds space for compassion rooted in mental-health complexity (Cluster B traits, narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder). The episode closes with a practical communication tool the hosts teach: CCQ - be Curious, have Courage, and ask Questions - plus guidance on answering yes/no questions honestly rather than dodging them, since evasiveness itself can be a manipulation red flag. Connect with Stephanie MacAlister here: https://virtualconnect.ca/   Topics   01:00 Meet Stephanie and Clinic 02:07 DV Work and Early Signs 05:43 Raising the Bar 07:08 Ask Questions and Listen 07:57 Defining Manipulation 10:26 Informed Consent Slippery Slope 12:18 Good Intentions Debate 15:55 Cluster B and Narcissism 18:45 Personal Example and Limits 22:22 Smart Likeable Manipulators 23:19 Stop Excusing Them 24:14 Protect Yourself With Words 24:46 Gray Areas And Motives 25:45 Boundaries Without Dehumanizing 27:26 Therapist Perspective On Lies 31:41 Read Nonverbal Answers 34:08 Yes Or No With Nuance 35:18 CCQ Curiosity Courage Questions 36:57 Wrap Up And Resources

What happens when you're grieving a parent and the sibling who should be your ally becomes your biggest obstacle? Nicole Hilgenkamp, founder of Your Parent's Keeper [http://yourparentskeeper.com], joins Robin to share her raw story of being the "designated daughter” - chosen to manage her mother's care, only to watch her oldest brother's manipulation tear the family apart. Robin breaks down the win-lose mindset driving the conflict, coaches Nicole live using the ethos-pathos-logos framework, and even scripts language she can use to rebuild the relationship. If you've ever dealt with a manipulative sibling during a parent's decline, this one will hit close to home - and give you a real playbook for navigating it.   Your Parent's Keeper http://yourparentskeeper.com   Topics 01:05 Caregiving Meets Manipulation 03:35 Family Ugliness After Loss 05:21 Preparedness and Care Stages 06:51 Decision Makers and Roles 09:49 Scorekeeping and Constant Battles 11:13 Contain the Manipulator 13:23 Texting and Documentation 15:26 Estrangement and Complicated Grief 18:10 Therapy and Letting Go 19:38 Family Cutoff Fallout 20:38 Protect Your Peace 21:53 Outwit the Manipulator 24:40 Ethos Pathos Logos 25:54 Ethos Script That Works 28:43 Boundaries and Hope 31:25 Why Love Backfires 34:29 Reaching Nieces and Nephews 36:18 Wrap Up and Resources  

What happens when you have everything — the gated home, the charmed life, the husband everyone admires — and none of it is real? Author Mia J. Hanks spent 29 years married to a covert narcissist before walking away from it all. In this episode, Mia and Robin discover unsettling parallels in their stories: the slow erasure of identity, the moment a therapist's simple question exposed just how lost they'd become, and why the people closest to them couldn't help. Mia reveals what finally broke the spell — including a jaw-dropping moment in couples counseling that has to be heard to be believed. If you or someone you love seems to "have it all" but something feels deeply wrong, this one's for you.   Mia's Books: Bride-Maid: A Memoir by Mia J. Hanks I've Made Plans: A Memoir of Rebuilding by Mia J. Hanks   Topics 01:16 Meet Mia Hanks 02:48 Covert Narcissist Explained 04:13 Leaving and Divorce Timeline 05:09 Losing Yourself to Gaslighting 07:28 Why Victims Get Targeted 10:31 Early Warnings and Denial 12:25 Financial Control Wake Up 13:30 Freedom Over Status 17:17 The Moment She Was Done 18:04 Therapist Kicks Him Out 20:40 Advice and Closing Thoughts  

When a researcher who's spent 30 years studying human behavior from the chemical origins of life to modern relationships sits down with two communication coaches, the conversation goes places nobody planned. Dr. Jeremy Sherman, author of What's Up With A**holes?, challenges Robin and Dennis on the words we use, the rules we trust, and whether anyone can truly claim to be an expert on manipulation. What starts as a friendly interview turns into a real-time sparring match — with pushback and playful tension. If you've ever wondered whether your definition of manipulation holds up under pressure, this one will make you think.   Youtube Whole channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCjH_fBN6aQQ0uw5324tSrcg?view_as=subscriber Ironic Mind Taffy: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRC3h5r-yj3eDLp7FKSc8-2Og_XcrLMUG AI DT tells it like it is: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRC3h5r-yj3ctjAWRIuJYdMdZsDG8dzQZ MAGAnificent Mike: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRC3h5r-yj3fstMDBZ-qdlDEewQUQ-aay Words to try on Trumpies: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRC3h5r-yj3dYrDlrQLi02fHP-Zw1nzxT Teleodynamics YT channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0k-ZVua7_rjOJy6UozU2KA   Psychology Today Blogs Ambigamy: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ambigamy Jerkology: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/jerkology   Social FB Personal: https://www.facebook.com/jeremysherm FB Psychoproctology: https://www.facebook.com/Psychoproct/ FB NWYAW: https://www.facebook.com/negotiatewyaw/ Insta: https://www.instagram.com/jeremyshermanphd/?hl=en Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@tryingbeings https://www.tiktok.com/@maganificentmike Substack: https://substack.com/@unsuresherman Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/jeremysherman.bsky.social LinkedIN: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeremyshermanphd/ X: https://x.com/Jeremyshermn   Books: What's Up with A**holes?: https://a.co/d/0W5vCGY Neither Ghost Nor Machine: https://a.co/d/652ewa9