Elf on the Shelf (Entry 404.PR1503)

In which a solar storm in 1859 leads to eye-popping auroras and a harboring of technological doom, and John compares gold pan and pizza sizes. Certificate #54094.

In which the childhood Christmas tradition of two Georgia twins becomes a cultural tug-of-war over surveillance psychology, and Ken is going to buy a light blue tree. Certificate #45509.

In which astronauts and cosmonauts smuggle sandwiches, golf clubs, harmonicas, collectibles, and ashes into orbit, and John wants to blow bubbles on the Moon. Certificate #54825.

In which a Cantonese restaurant in San Franciscos's Chinatown spreads American revolving-table technology worldwide, and Ken wonders how long it takes to get sick of a musician in your spare bedroom. Certificate #43576.

In which ancient sorcery, changeling myths, and Edwardian fads combine to create America's only homegrown childhood rite of passage, and John's dentist turns teeth into boats. Certificate #19230.

In which telephone users once had access to a surprising array of helpful and informative services, and Ken got rid of his landline to spite Al-Qaeda. Certificate #26038.

In which an ancient linguistic and religious practice becomes a jaunty, ambulatory musical form before falling into decline, and John does not want to see condors in a hospital. Certificate #45133.

In which centuries of sterilization-happy doomsayers fail to predict a game-changing revolution in wheat, and Ken thinks Pakistan wants John to clean out his fridge. Certificate #2037.

In which dozens of national sleeping guys with long beards wait in caves for their countries to need them again, and John thinks Tom Cruise should not be in a courtyard. Certificate #53610.

In which conservative Sun Belt retirees and progressive urbanists agree on a nostalgic but radical revolution in city design, and Ken does a Norman Rockwell impression. Certificate #34959.