How to Really Surrender Control

"Should I leave my partner?" What a big question. And let's be honest, it's a question that many women in this community have. Let’s first start off by saying thinking about leaving is nothing to be ashamed of. We’re doing the right thing by looking for answers, even though it’s hard. The state of our relationships is not our fault. We fell in love with someone who really struggles with a very tragic and common issue. We love them. We see their potential. And we would do anything if the ones we love just got healthy. https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

Change is necessary if we want to move forward. Some of us enjoy changing, and others will avoid making the changes we know we need to because we're scared (I am raising my own hand). Change is uncomfortable, and staying stuck in our misery sometimes feels easier - even though it's not always what's best. https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

When I was married to a good man who suffered from addiction, I was terrified of leaving him. I thought about leaving all the time; I think part of me always knew, we would end up in divorce, but the idea of actually leaving paralyzed me with fear. There were times I was so upset I would try to will myself to leave, but for many reasons, I was always unable to walk away from a very unhealthy relationship. I thought, “Am I stuck in this marriage forever? Do I really have the courage to take my kids and leave?” https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

When our loved ones who struggle with addiction choose to go to rehab or get help, it can bring up all sorts of feelings. We might feel hopeful that maybe THIS time, they will get sober for good. We might feel scared that maybe this won’t work and will be a huge disappointment. We might feel resentful that they are being cared for and looked after while we are left at home working overtime to make up for their absence. But one of the biggest worries I hear often is concerning trust. How can we ever trust them again? https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

If you’re familiar with the world of addiction or codependency, you’ve probably heard the word “detach”. But, like many “self-help” words, it can be very hard to understand exactly what detaching means, let alone how actually to detach. Does it mean you need to leave your partner who is suffering from addiction? Is there something cruel or manipulative about detaching? So many of us feel like we’re being disloyal if we choose to remove ourselves from our relationships emotionally. https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

One of the core beliefs we have at Love Over Addiction is that addiction is a third party in our relationships. We view addiction as a separate entity from our loved ones. This helps us with forgiveness and to process why we love someone who can be so cruel and self-destructive. When they start being rude, nasty, or mean, that’s the addiction trying to bait us. Addiction craves conflict and control. We don’t need to stand there and take it - but we also don’t need to take the bait. Instead, we can remove ourselves from the situation. https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

Having good, healthy boundaries in place versus poor, unrealistic boundaries can make all the difference in our personal, spiritual, and physical lives. Having boundaries is important (especially when loving someone suffering from addiction), but boundaries can be confusing. What is a good boundary, some of us might be wondering? https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

The word surrender is used a lot in the world of addiction. One of the things that always bothered me was that I was constantly being told that I needed to “let go and surrender,” but I never really understood how. The word surrender to me means letting go of my emotional investment in a certain outcome. Surrender doesn't mean we stop loving or caring. Another way of looking at how to “let go” is to think about the opposite of surrendering. What’s the opposite of surrendering? Controlling. https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

Do you ever wonder: "Why do I keep going back to someone who hurts me so much?" There are many reasons we stay, but today, I’m going to be vulnerable and share with you why I deeply loved a man who clearly didn’t love me or himself enough to get sober. https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

Your loved one might seem put together on the outside. Most men and women who drink too much or suffer from substance abuse disorder hold good jobs and earn a good living. Most of the time, they can help take care of the kids and household duties. And because they are so high-functioning, it can leave you feeling nervous about sharing with friends and family just how bad things have become. In this episode, we explore three of the reasons why we don't talk about addiction and our loved one.  https://michelleanderson.substack.com/